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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend gave me tat Xmas present...AIBU?

119 replies

KikiB89 · 01/01/2019 23:34

After my boyfriend failed to give me anything for my birthday earlier this year (not even a card!) he stepped up this Christmas and gave me a bracelet amongst some other wee things.

When I first glanced at the bracelet I thought it was an odd choice to put silver charms on a bronze chain but ok. When I looked at it later I saw that the chain was badly tarnished and some of the diamantes from one of the charms were missing! I googled the brand and can only find their wholesale website and a few items on amazon but not this particular piece. However he doesn’t do online shopping (usually gets me to order on his behalf) so I’m beginning to question where on earth he even acquired it!

AIBU to mention it to him? I asked him for an inexpensive pair of earrings from pandora (we live close to one) and at first I was happy that he took initiative but now I really just wish he had got me what I asked for. We had a pretty big falling out over the birthday thing so I am hesitant to go down a similar road again.

OP posts:
BaeBae · 02/01/2019 08:33

Communication is all. If you want a long term relationship you need to nip this in the bud. Show him the bracelet, say you’re embarrassed to bring it up but you can’t wear it. Explain why. Tell him why a token of his love means so much and that you’d like to be able to wear it and show it off. Try to find out if it’s a budget constraint or if he just does not value giving gifts. Tell him it’s something you need to feel cherished in a relationship. Give bracelet back, say it’s faulty & you cannot wear it. Ask if you can have Pandora gift instead. Say it’s not about money but it’s having something you can wear every day that’s a symbol of his love. Reasonable, normal request - don’t shy away you need to get this sorted.

WhatsUpHun · 02/01/2019 08:38

Maybe he bought it Second hand, and spent more and was ripped off? Although you say he is stingy so maybe not?

I can't bear meanness

ourkidmolly · 02/01/2019 08:42

Awful. Finish it. He won’t change. That’s terrible behaviour. He’s not that into you because even a tightwad can splash a bit of cash when they’re in the first flush of love. Move onto someone who deserves you.

Juells · 02/01/2019 08:54

Stingy for no reason. I bet he isn't as stingy to himself. Imagine if you had children and wanted to SAHM for a few years while they were little - you couldn't because you'd be completely under his control and he'd be very tight about doling out money :( I'd run a mile, to be honest, he's let you catch a glimpse of your future if you stay with him.

Also, he must think you're thick if he thought you wouldn't suss that it was a piece of old shite he picked up in a junk shop or on ebay. Where would you even go to buy secondhand jewellery in non-precious metal? That would take a lot of seeking out.

It wasn't just tat, it was tat he put work into finding 😅 It would have been much easier to go to a local shop and buy you what you wanted, but no, he put time and effort into saving a few quid.

gamerwidow · 02/01/2019 09:32

If he is otherwise a good partner I would just readjust your expectations of gifts and only buy him cheap token gifts too. This issue caused problems at the start my relationship with DH 20 years ago but once I realised that he was shit at gift buying because he just wasn’t bothered about gifts himself we started just buying small token gifts and there is no resentment about the gift disparity then. If i want nice things I buy them myself.
If he expects great gifts from you but buys you shit that’s a different scenario though....

CookPassBabtridge · 02/01/2019 10:17

I can't believe people are saying dump him when OP says he's an otherwise good partner, talk about priorities. Just have an honest chat about gift expectations.

OnlyaMan · 02/01/2019 14:07

Speaking as a mean (married) man, I would say that, if this relationship lasts, the OP may be glad of this trait later. It gets you through hard times.
I would not suggest asking for a receipt, exchange, pretending the damage can be repaired, or any other sort of passive/aggressive action. The bracelet probably came from a charity shop, and he will not get anything back for it.
Nevertheless, the OP, I think, must mention she does not like the bracelet, and why she does not. She probably must risk the possibility of a "falling-out". And see where that leads.

Sweetpea55 · 02/01/2019 14:25

The thing is.. Can you continue in a relationship with a stingy wazzark. He won't change. He'll always be mean.

Consolidateyourloins · 02/01/2019 15:37

@OnlyAMan

My DH and I don't do presents but the boyfriend has been a cheeky fucker here, as he exchanged presents with OP last Christmas that cost them each around £100, OP has got him an even pricier gift this year.

If he wanted to get token gifts, he should have told op IN ADVANCE of Christmas so she could have cut her cloth accordingly. But the cheeky twat didn't do that, he wanted a nice present and to give OP tat.

This kind of man won't get OP through hard times. He is more likely to be financially abusive.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/01/2019 17:30

I agree Cook not a dumpable offence in isolation, if it was part of a much wider picture, then yes. Op you need to tell him that his present was naff, and tell him the diamonds fell out and that you would like a better replacement. E mail him reasonable alternatives that he can buy, you need to tell him what you want he is not a mind reader, if he is an otherwise good partner. Careless and thoughtless, but op has said that he is not like that usually.

SnuggyBuggy · 02/01/2019 19:19

If he made it himself would it have been that hard to click on a link for some charms that actually matched?

delboysskinandblister · 02/01/2019 20:00

it's not about the gift it the complete lack of thought if he can't get you a birthday card and then at christmas expects to change tat for a nice gift. He is not being thoughtful or fair. I think you need to get someone who loves you more than himself.

Hezz · 02/01/2019 20:57

I'd like a photo too

frazzledasarock · 02/01/2019 21:45

Op did tell her boyfriend she’d like a pair of inexpensive earrings from pandora. He chose to disregard her request and buy her tat.

Kim1010 · 03/01/2019 17:51

Is he short of money? Not nice to ask for Pandora items if he is?
What's he like in other ways? Kind loving helpful etc if his none of these too, I would definitely move on ..

Earthakitty · 03/01/2019 18:00

Being mean with money is something I cannot abide in a partner and I would never....have never tolerated it.
He's a cheapskate and isn't interested in impressing you in the slightest.
I've had boyfriends like this and at the first sign of stinginess they were gone.
It's not about materialism... it's the underlying sentiment. If he loves you.... he'll want to spoil you....end of.
Get rid of him.

Thewifipasswordis · 03/01/2019 18:02

Photo please OP if possible

Artofhappiness · 03/01/2019 18:09

I think you should be honest with him. Tell him that it’s broken and you can’t find anywhere that sells it. Ask him where he bought it and if he has the receipt or, if not, the transaction on a credit card or debit card statement so you or he can return for a replacement.

If he made it himself - fine
If he says it’s from eBay/Facebook/market etc - again fine, although you should point out it’s disappointing and ask if he has any money worries etc

If he doesn’t answer/changes the subject/goes red etc - not fine and if gifts, thoughtfulness and generosity are important attributes to you then you’ll need to cut your losses here.

I find that the saying when someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them - a real truism!

thebaronetofcockburn · 03/01/2019 18:10

I'd get rid of him. I can't abide tight people. They're never poor, either.

Burratorchildhood · 03/01/2019 18:13

Was it this one? My feeling is if it is obviously cheap you should mention it to him. I wouldn’t be able to hide my disappointment and my husband would know, but that’s just me Wink and we’ve been married a long time!!!

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Bringbackthestrioes · 03/01/2019 18:16

The cheapest earrings at pandora are still over £30. He might not have enough for that.

^ this. Maybe he doesn’t have as much as you think.
Or some people just place different values on different things so they would happily spend £90 on a meal out for you but think this is too much for something that could be easily lost.

Pashal2 · 03/01/2019 18:29

Why on Earth would you go online "tracking" the manufacturer? What exactly is the purpose in that. We've all received something we didn't expect or even like. But tracking down the manufacturer seems senseless and or shallow. If you find out he spent thousands on it would that make you suddenly love it? Or finding out it didn't cost much provide you with ammunition for an argument. What's your end game here? Are you looking for a loving relationship or a bank account?

BBCONEANDTWO · 03/01/2019 18:30

I'm not as bothered about what gift I get but more that my OH treats me well. I can't stand people who are tight though and always expect people to pay for their round and go half for meals out etc. (Unless they are skint)

PolarBearkshire · 03/01/2019 18:31

I would dump him. Its not about even a present. Its about him knowing what pleases you and then still giving donkey type of present... it is not worth it simply . There are plenty of guys that are more considerate and thoughtful

maureen17 · 03/01/2019 18:33

just accept he's rubbish at the present game or if presents mean more to your relationship ditch him ...he's not going to change without lots of help! or maybe money.