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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to say no to xmil

92 replies

ThatPeskyElf · 01/01/2019 19:42

Xmil lives in another continent.
Dd’s Dad has been absent since she was born.
Xmil regularly comes to Uk (1-2) times a year with work. We don’t hear from her in between these times. She knows when these trips are months in advance yet doesn’t tell us she is going to be here until she’s been here for a few wks. Then she is very busy with theatre trips, going to Paris to see friends, Sweden to see friends and to other Uk cities to see friends/family yet throws a tantrum when we can’t find mutually convenient days to meet up. She organised seeing friends etc months in advance so it winds me up that every single time she fails to arrange anything with us in advance.

She is a difficult woman. She seems to blame me for her son not seeing dd- I have never stopped him seeing her, haven’t gone after him for maintenance etc yet it’s easier for her to blame me rather than admit her son is a bit of a “c” word.

2 days ago she emailed me announcing she is here and wants to see us. I dutifully replied with 4 dates between now and when she says she’s going back (in the summer she said she was here for 3 wks, turned out she was here for 7 wks (just one example of her lies) so I don’t always believe her). She huffed and puffed because only one vaguely suited her but she had hoped to keep it free as apparently after her plans for today she was planning a day indoors doing emails etc for her job.
Myself and dd have no other days free before we both go back to school next wk. So it’s tomorrow or nothing.

Anyway, xmil who has never before suggested seeing a show (daughter is a budding actress and LOVES the theatre) and prefers to take us shopping basically to carry her bags as she rarely ever buys anything for dd even for bdays/Xmas etc, has actually offered to get panto tickets.
Dd is 13 and isn’t v interested in panto (unless she’s in it) and doesn’t want to go. Tbh every time we see xmil it’s a battle to get her to go.
Xmil is pretty vile to me and dd has seen this over the yrs- this and lack of pressies and not doing anything other than shop (for xmil) means that they don’t have a bond but I have always tried to bite my tongue to maintain relationship so that dd has just one link to her other family.

We are skint. I get absolutely no money from dd’s father and never have done. Panto tickets at this stage are £47.50 each!!!!!!!!! With booking fee she will be spending £160!
Dd doesn’t want to see it.
Aibu to suggest xmil buys dd new school shoes or something else that she needs with that money instead??

She’s never offered to take us to anything like this before, so don’t really know how she will react. She’s already annoyed with me about sorting the date to see her. This and the fact that she’s usually so horrid to me is making me anxious to make such a suggestion.
But is it an U request??

OP posts:

TheBigBangRocks · 01/01/2019 19:54

It would be unreasonable to ask her for school shoes instead. Not yet job to provide the basics for your child.

If she doesn't want to go just tell MIL that and see if she suggests another gift or activity.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/01/2019 19:56

I don't know why you're even questioning this.

"Sorry xmil, this doesn't work for us. Perhaps if you let me know earlier when you'll be visiting, we can arrange a time to meet."

End of.

StripeyDeckchair · 01/01/2019 19:56

I'd reply saying DD has outgrown pantos and would prefer to do something else and make couple of suggestions e.g. Other shows, etc

GemmeFatale · 01/01/2019 20:05

You can’t afford school shoes and haven’t pushed for maintenance from her father? Why on Earth not?

And just tell MIL panto is for younger children. DD is really into x, y or z at the moment.

Handsfull13 · 01/01/2019 20:10

Is there a reason you haven't pushed for maintenance?

I would be saying really sorry but you didn't give us any warning so we can't meet up. Please let us know with more advanced warning and I'll make time for it.

WWWWicked · 01/01/2019 20:14

“I’ve checked with DD and she doesn’t want to see a panto, she’s getting a bit old for that now. How about the cinema and lunch (or insert other suitable suggestion here) instead?”.

As for asking her to buy school shoes instead, that would be really cheeky. Ask your DD’s father for the money if you can’t afford them yourself.

Ginger1982 · 01/01/2019 20:20

Why have you let her dad get away with not paying maintenance?

As for this, as a PP said, tell her it doesn't work for you and maybe see her next year.

Original poster

ThatPeskyElf · 01/01/2019 20:21

Haven’t pushed for maintenance for many reasons, top of which being if he wants to see her it should be because he wants a relationship with her not because he’s paying for her.

I thought shoes would be a good idea as we could shop for them seeing as she likes shopping so much, and they’re not a luxury item so shopping for these might go down better than shopping for a neon flashing unicorn that wees lemonade.

Also thought it would remind her that usually I buy everything she ever needs (and children are expensive) and just once it might be nice if I could rely on someone else to contribute, thus reminding xmil that I’m not the devil incarnate and maybe she might be kinder towards me. Rather than being the Disney grandma who arrives, makes herself feel better by seeing her g.daughter and then disappears again for 6months/a year.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThatPeskyElf · 01/01/2019 20:22

She would be doing ‘normal’ grandma stuff.

(Posted too soon)

OP posts:

allthatmalarkey · 01/01/2019 20:22

I get that, but that is so not how she will see it. Just suggest something other than panto. What about a musical?

Original poster

ThatPeskyElf · 01/01/2019 20:27

I suggested meeting in London actually but she doesn’t like the crowds. Aren’t any musicals that I know of out of town?

OP posts:

LongtimeLurker29 · 01/01/2019 20:29

I would change my number, move house and never bother with her again. I give up with people who do nothing but stress me out and don't bother the rest of the time. If she's vile to you and your child can see that then I would cut her out and not let it happen any longer.

LongWalkShortPlank · 01/01/2019 20:29

I would tell your daughter that she can put in the effort and see one panto, no matter how the grandmother is. We don't have to act a certain way just because other people do. We recently saw a panto and it was a lot of fun. I think it's nice that she's suggesting something other than shopping, which you've complained about. It's a couple of hours. I'm sure you feel slotted in, and I get that, my daughters grandparents on her dad's side are the same, but when they're gone you'd wish you did more.

LongWalkShortPlank · 01/01/2019 20:31

Your issues with her and your daughters relationship with her are two seperate things. If you need to have that conversation with her then you should have it, you'll feel better after, trust me. But the rest is seperate.

GrumpyInsomniac · 01/01/2019 20:33

At this point, it seems pretty clear your ex wants nothing to do with his daughter, so there is no harm getting CMS after him for maintenance. He can always go to court for access if he wants a formal arrangement. And life will be easier if he coughs up some money.

As for ex-MIL, just be honest and say DD isn't into panto and offer a couple of other suggestions. And if she's not happy, that's her problem. Just be polite and suggest (again) that she could give you more notice next time so it's possible to plan something suitable. But I would honestly also be polite if she gets arsy and remind her that her son has never paid maintenance or wanted a relationship with you DD, and that her own interest seems limited to dragging DD round shops once a year, and that they both might want to consider getting to know DD as a person. Of course she won't like it, but it's not your fault if she feels uncomfortable with the truth.

Original poster

ThatPeskyElf · 01/01/2019 20:35

I’m assuming your dh didn’t fuck off just after your children were born though and all their memories of grandparents are prob not of them shouting at your mother in different shopping centres about how terrible she is compared to their son who has never done anything ever as a father while you feel you are only there to hold gm’s shopping bags.

I have always modelled that we dont have to act in a certain way just because others do as my daughter has seen me taking the name calling, and sees me continue to try to maintain a relationship with xmil.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThatPeskyElf · 01/01/2019 20:36

(That was responding to LongWalk
Btw)

OP posts:

MadameButterface · 01/01/2019 20:38

Well she sounds like a bellend and you don’t have to accommodate her completely, but it’s not her job to buy school shoes, yes it would be nice if she offered, yes it would be nice if she was a totally different sort of person, but you can’t change who she is or what she’s like can you? The only thing you could change would be to go after maintenance from dd’s father if you’re struggling that much. But you won’t, because you want him to want to see dd. Do you see here again that you’re also wanting to change who he is? Your dd’s needs trump your wants. Wishing he was different or his mother was different is just crying for the moon. You have to deal with the situation as it is, not how you think it should be, no matter how right you are.

WWWWicked · 01/01/2019 20:38

All you’re modelling to your daughter is how to be a walkover.

Original poster

ThatPeskyElf · 01/01/2019 20:44

Starting to agree www

OP posts:

ThePinkOcelot · 01/01/2019 20:44

Like another PP, I would be changing my number, email etc and never hear from her again. She sounds awful!

Didiusfalco · 01/01/2019 20:46

Agree with pp, at 13 I would go for maintenance. Try not to take the moral highground, do it for your daughter. She’s old enough to know that he’s not bothered and I doubt he’d pursue a relationship with a teen.
I’d take dds lead on the relationship with her gran - if she wants to maintain it fine, but honestly I think you’ve been a saint to have so much patience with her. I wouldn’t feel bad about dropping contact.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 01/01/2019 20:48

What unpleasant people, I'm sorry you're in this situation, OP.

My DD (also 13) wouldn't want to see a panto either, so I'd be honest with her GM and explain that she's outgrown them, suggest something else, etc. - I though the cinema and lunch suggestion was a good one.

Re. Your Ex. You should def. go for maintenance, OP, it's the least he could do for your DD.

MadameButterface · 01/01/2019 20:49

She does sound bloody awful but putting up with being screeched at etc then letting resentment build to the point where you’re getting the arse because she wants to do something not especially unreasonable like take her dgd to a pantomime isn’t the way forward. Pick her up on her bullshit as and when it happens eg ‘I won’t be spoken to like that, we’re going home now bye’ is what you need to do, it’s the only way forward. Be assertive. Asking for school shoes to make some sort of point isn’t assertive, it’s passive aggressive.

Original poster

ThatPeskyElf · 01/01/2019 20:50

I couldn’t ever afford to go to court if suddenly he decided he wanted to see her.

Dd doesn’t want to see him, but I know from my own experiences as a child and the experiences of friends, that courts don’t always listen to what the children say. So it’s not worth the risk.
He (and his mother) is spiteful enough to seek contact just to ‘get his moneys worth’. He doesn’t work or claim benefits, he lives off of the bank of mum and dad, so we would only get about 50p a week maintenance anyway.

We’re not on the breadline and if I’ve done it all by myself this long, I can do it myself for a few more years and then she will be a grown up.

OP posts:

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