Aibu to say no to xmil

[ThatPeskyElf]

Xmil lives in another continent.
Dd’s Dad has been absent since she was born.
Xmil regularly comes to Uk (1-2) times a year with work. We don’t hear from her in between these times. She knows when these trips are months in advance yet doesn’t tell us she is going to be here until she’s been here for a few wks. Then she is very busy with theatre trips, going to Paris to see friends, Sweden to see friends and to other Uk cities to see friends/family yet throws a tantrum when we can’t find mutually convenient days to meet up. She organised seeing friends etc months in advance so it winds me up that every single time she fails to arrange anything with us in advance.

She is a difficult woman. She seems to blame me for her son not seeing dd- I have never stopped him seeing her, haven’t gone after him for maintenance etc yet it’s easier for her to blame me rather than admit her son is a bit of a “c” word.

2 days ago she emailed me announcing she is here and wants to see us. I dutifully replied with 4 dates between now and when she says she’s going back (in the summer she said she was here for 3 wks, turned out she was here for 7 wks (just one example of her lies) so I don’t always believe her). She huffed and puffed because only one vaguely suited her but she had hoped to keep it free as apparently after her plans for today she was planning a day indoors doing emails etc for her job.
Myself and dd have no other days free before we both go back to school next wk. So it’s tomorrow or nothing.

Anyway, xmil who has never before suggested seeing a show (daughter is a budding actress and LOVES the theatre) and prefers to take us shopping basically to carry her bags as she rarely ever buys anything for dd even for bdays/Xmas etc, has actually offered to get panto tickets.
Dd is 13 and isn’t v interested in panto (unless she’s in it) and doesn’t want to go. Tbh every time we see xmil it’s a battle to get her to go.
Xmil is pretty vile to me and dd has seen this over the yrs- this and lack of pressies and not doing anything other than shop (for xmil) means that they don’t have a bond but I have always tried to bite my tongue to maintain relationship so that dd has just one link to her other family.

We are skint. I get absolutely no money from dd’s father and never have done. Panto tickets at this stage are £47.50 each!!!!!!!!! With booking fee she will be spending £160!
Dd doesn’t want to see it.
Aibu to suggest xmil buys dd new school shoes or something else that she needs with that money instead??

She’s never offered to take us to anything like this before, so don’t really know how she will react. She’s already annoyed with me about sorting the date to see her. This and the fact that she’s usually so horrid to me is making me anxious to make such a suggestion.
But is it an U request??

I feel really angry reading your posts. I was raised by a parent who like you appeared to have some warped idea about the moral high ground. What that meant is that I was often forced to watch my mother being verbally abused because otherwise someone might say something.The situations you describe would have had me in tears afterwards with shame and embarrassment.

You are harming your daughter by tolerating this abuse and acting like a gofer. She needs to be taught to say No and shown how to handle difficult situations. As a child I wouldn't have felt very safe with you at all.You are setting her up to accept abuse, and she's not going to thank you for it. Not one bit.

Many posters have pointed out the flaws in your thinking. There is no real reason for this contact and like my own parent I think you are using the moral high ground to avoid asserting yourself because you are weak.

He doesn’t work!
He doesn’t claim benefits!
Even if I did go for maintenance, I wouldn’t get any!!!
Why would I go through the stress of it all when I know this already?!!!!

DD never speaks of him or has questions about him -she is secure and stable.... why would I disrupt this when I already know that we wouldn’t get any money?!!!

I think it's unlikely he has been living off his parents for 13 years. Nobody would put up with that.

I have always modelled that we dont have to act in a certain way just because others do as my daughter has seen me taking the name calling, and sees me continue to try to maintain a relationship with xmil.
You seem strangely proud of that.
Having witnessed similar things I felt quite sick reading that. Have you thought for one moment about the emotional effects of witnessing this abuse on a young child? It's hugely damaging and a type of emotional abuse. Nobody wants to see their mum carrying bags for someone who's calling them names. It's pathetic.

What does he live off then? Who's keepign him?

If it's exMIL, have you pointed out to her that her son pays no maintenance?

If DD doesn't want to go, what benefit is there to her for beign forced to go? These don't sound like relations who bring anything other than grief, why bother?

Putting the money issues and maintenance aside. Your subservience to your ExMiL wishes at the expense of your DD's feelings and of your own self-worth is bafflingly. This women is nothing to you, and brings nothing beneficial to your DD that isn't offset by the numerous negatives.

How can you POSSIBLY know if you haven't communicated with him in 13 YEARS?!

And your post/reply has COMPLETELY avoided all we've said regarding ex mil.

I feel so sorry for your daughter.

Contrary to the good values you think you are teaching her, all I see is a very poor role model who is most certainly not acting in the best interests of her child. It's so very selfish of you.

Maintenance is her right! Pursue it for her.

Stand up to the grandmother and teach your daughter the tools to not be a doormat all her life.

I've always viewed it as the father's responsibility to facilitate contact for his parents. I have no issues with my XILs but it's a flat "speak to your son, he'll arrange it" from me. I'll deal with the father, the whole rest of his family is his to deal with.

I am not passive- when she’s being a cow, I tell her. We have walked out of shops, I’ve refused to allow her visits, I have told her that she is not to speak to me the way she does.

To anyone slating me for being weak, believe me I’m anything but. When you have to fight for everything you have and do everything yourself with no one to rely on, you become stronger than anyone will ever know.

It must be rather wonderful to sit in your ivory towers and judge me whe really you know absolutely nothing about me, my life or how I live. So to speak to me the way many of you have is pretty disgusting really.
I asked if it was U to suggest not going to see a panto and for that you have taken it upon yourselves to unleash nasty judgy comments- well I didn’t ask for cowboy legal advice, or for your opinions on our lives. Because most of you have no idea- and I hope you never do.

To say that my daughter is window dressing, that you feel sorry for her because of my actions, that I am not a good role model is pretty low.
How dare you?!!!
I have and always have worked full time, I provide a safe, loving and happy home. My daughter is doing great at school, has a wonderful friendship group and loves her life. I’ve done that... me. With no help and in spite of a shit start and despicable behaviour from many people around me. Not that it should matter, but I’ve never claimed benefits, I put myself through uni with a baby and worked at the same time. I’ve paid for everything including (albeit no frills) holidays.

Of course it’s always soooooo much easier to blame the parent that sticks around. It’s bullshit, you are bullshit.
I sacrificed every aspect of my life for my child and continue to do so everyday so to call me selfish is discusting and shows what an idiot you really are.

For the third time:

• he doesn’t work
• he doesn’t claim benefits
• he lives off of his parents
• I wouldn’t get any maintenance if I sought it

It would be fabulous if people read the actual thread before commenting on what I have already explained.

Yes it’s unusual that his parents think it’s fine for a nearly 40yr old to be living off them, but they facilitate it. Why? I don’t know, but it happens.

If these pretty shitty comments were some kind of crap way of knocking me down to build me up, well you’re no psychologists and actually for a weakling, that you consider me to be, they would have the opposite effect.

I’m now deleting my account. Congratulations. MN really is full of so many holier than thou bitches it’s unreal.

To those that haven’t been nasty, thank you and apologies for my rant. You are clearly diamonds in a shit pit.

If you really think we are here judging you from a smug vantage point, then you are guilty of rushing to judge us based on stereotypes.

I have an ex, who doesn't pay support, who is only interested in the DC's to provide his narcissistic supply. My DCs are both suffering anxiety and depression.

I put forward my views based on my experiences and will say the others have, too.

We're not holier than thou, we are all too human and our responses are based on the information you provided.

I think many of the posters have been really mean and really judgy.

And it jumped from a simple question about a panto to unsolicited and not very helpful opinions about something people have very little information about.

At no point has there been any indication that DD has any issues relating to her mothers actions or lack of, yet so many people have jumped on this bandwagon with no evidence.
This seems to be a common theme with so many posters.

If your own kids have issues due to narcissistic DF’s, that pay little or no CM like the pp outlines, why are you promoting OP to seek CM herself (that she repeatedly explains that she won’t get)... it clearly doesn’t always work out.

I’d like to give her a big pat on the back and say....
No you wouldn’t be U, and if xmil gives you grief... walk away with your head held high, because you tried and that’s all you can do.

Op your posts are full of self pitying drivel. You seem to think everyone's had it easy and you've had it bad. You are not the only single parent in the world and the only person who has a job.

Your dd doesn't want to see this person, she gets nothing out of it and you childishly complain you carry her bags while she abuses you. This contact is happening simply to meet your own selfish need so you can act the self sacrificing victim. I suspect your daughter will be reminded of this regularly.

If you want to trudge round carrying bags for someone who abuses you, crack on. But don't claim it's for your daughters benefit because it isn't.

"It must be rather wonderful to sit in your ivory towers" don't try this deflection it's nonsense! There's a LOT of women on mn in very similar situations to yourself, they're not speaking from a position of privilege at all but from knowledge of your type of situation.

That includes me. I've raised dd alone since she was 2, ex was never reliable on contact or paying maintenance and at this point (she's almost 18) it's been several years since he's done either!

My ex has dipped in and out of dds life purely when it suited him eg when he wanted to avoid the embarrassment of having to explain to people (inc his parents who are actually lovely and totally ashamed of his behaviour) why she wasn't at his wedding.

So we ARE talking from the perspective of dealing with shit ex's ourselves.

You chose a course with xmil which was clearly detrimental to your dd. You just don't like that this has been pointed out to you.

Your 13 year old dd is more than capable of making arrangements with her grandma. And you can drop dd off in whatever town and then off to do some shopping or whatever.

You do not need to be there. it's inappropriate for you to be there, this is their time together.

I have told her that she is not to speak to me the way she does

And yet she continues. If you're still here, OP, you've clearly done many admirable things for your daughter. But you don't have to keep making her spend time with someone who looks down on both of you.

I wish you could summon the anger you've directed at posters here to deal with your X MIL. Anger isn't always unhealthy, nor does absence of it always mean you have the moral high ground. It can be a good way of protecting yourselves and others from harm.

Grab some cinema tickets. Same thing, different environment.
DC and friends recommend the new Mary Poppins and they are all around 15/16.
Grin and bear it. I have a similar thing. Drive 150 miles to be insulted and humiliated just so the kids can see their gf. Kids now wise to it.