Aibu to say no to xmil

[ThatPeskyElf]

Xmil lives in another continent.
Dd’s Dad has been absent since she was born.
Xmil regularly comes to Uk (1-2) times a year with work. We don’t hear from her in between these times. She knows when these trips are months in advance yet doesn’t tell us she is going to be here until she’s been here for a few wks. Then she is very busy with theatre trips, going to Paris to see friends, Sweden to see friends and to other Uk cities to see friends/family yet throws a tantrum when we can’t find mutually convenient days to meet up. She organised seeing friends etc months in advance so it winds me up that every single time she fails to arrange anything with us in advance.

She is a difficult woman. She seems to blame me for her son not seeing dd- I have never stopped him seeing her, haven’t gone after him for maintenance etc yet it’s easier for her to blame me rather than admit her son is a bit of a “c” word.

2 days ago she emailed me announcing she is here and wants to see us. I dutifully replied with 4 dates between now and when she says she’s going back (in the summer she said she was here for 3 wks, turned out she was here for 7 wks (just one example of her lies) so I don’t always believe her). She huffed and puffed because only one vaguely suited her but she had hoped to keep it free as apparently after her plans for today she was planning a day indoors doing emails etc for her job.
Myself and dd have no other days free before we both go back to school next wk. So it’s tomorrow or nothing.

Anyway, xmil who has never before suggested seeing a show (daughter is a budding actress and LOVES the theatre) and prefers to take us shopping basically to carry her bags as she rarely ever buys anything for dd even for bdays/Xmas etc, has actually offered to get panto tickets.
Dd is 13 and isn’t v interested in panto (unless she’s in it) and doesn’t want to go. Tbh every time we see xmil it’s a battle to get her to go.
Xmil is pretty vile to me and dd has seen this over the yrs- this and lack of pressies and not doing anything other than shop (for xmil) means that they don’t have a bond but I have always tried to bite my tongue to maintain relationship so that dd has just one link to her other family.

We are skint. I get absolutely no money from dd’s father and never have done. Panto tickets at this stage are £47.50 each!!!!!!!!! With booking fee she will be spending £160!
Dd doesn’t want to see it.
Aibu to suggest xmil buys dd new school shoes or something else that she needs with that money instead??

She’s never offered to take us to anything like this before, so don’t really know how she will react. She’s already annoyed with me about sorting the date to see her. This and the fact that she’s usually so horrid to me is making me anxious to make such a suggestion.
But is it an U request??

Does your daughter actually want to see her at all? At 13 she is old enough to decide. If you are having to convince her every time is the relationship worth keeping? Is she gaining anything by seeing her grandmother? Doesn’t sound like it. If she’s keen to see a different show by all means ask. Otherwise ask your daughter if she wants to continue the relationship.
My dad kept forcing distant grandparents on me. They’d turn up every few years and put on the good grandparent show but I realised it was completely empty and was done to make them feel good about themselves. Around her age I had enough and refused to play ball anymore. I flat out refused to see them. I had family that did care for me and they added nothing to my life.
I would seriously ask your daughter what she wants going forward. If she’s done then let them go. At 13 she will know her mind and her opinion should be respected. Let her decide.

She sounds horrible tbh. Doesn't sound like a good influence in yours or dd life. I'd personally, rightly or wrongly, cancel.
If DD is not keen anyway. There's no point forcing a relationship.

She should be asking DD what she'd like to do (if anything). I don't think many teenagers would want to go to a pantomime after Xmas or traipse around the shops with grandma.

DD is 16 in just a few short years and can then decide who she wants to see.

I’m going to go against the grain here (although I will caveat it by saying I have no first hand experience with the type of situation you’re in) and say that I don’t see anything wrong with asking her to contribute to something useful. If she says no then just don’t see her, it doesn’t sound as though you owe her anything.

Once when I was moaning about how hard-done-by I was a friend said "You get what you accept" and it was a bit of a turning point for me. I suspect that the OP is too nice a person to take up any of the suggestions in this thread, but I hope she does think about what her DD is learning when she sees the OP being treated so badly.

Your smil sounds awful. I’d cut ties with her. What’s she adding to your/your dd’s life?

I’d also contact CMS for maintenance. Lazy, good for nothing twat your ex is.

I have always modelled that we dont have to act in a certain way just because others do as my daughter has seen me taking the name calling, and sees me continue to try to maintain a relationship with xmil.

So basically you are teaching your DD to be a doormat.

Your DD is old enough to turn down contact if she wants. And why try to maintain a relationship with someone who is nasty?

I left my ex, and my DD has learned that sometimes walking away and refusing to take the shitty stuff is the right thing to do.

At 13 I'd let dd choose if she wants to see her at all. If she does, suggest a couple of things she would like to do then it's up to mil.

why are so many people still berating OP re maintenance, she has already said he doesn't work or claim benefits but lives off bank of mum and dad. She would get £0.

OP you should never allow your daughter to witness someone being verbally abusive to you repeatedly, not sure why you think this is acceptable for her to witness.

Sorry posted too soon;
You are meant to be her protective factor, not expose her to abuse.

We see her, she’s mean, we go home.
We have discussed how xmil behaviour is bizzare, how some people you encounter in life need to spin what everyone knows is the truth for self preservation but essentially that she is family and we roll our eyes at how batty she is and discuss how sane ‘normal’ people would behave.

I will not be accused of excluding her father or his family. I have the high moral ground and always will have. I have always tried to behave in a way that nothing can be thrown back at me if I were ever taken to court by him. That is the reality of crappy custody judgements so often resulting in access arrangements that the children do not want and that don’t promote their interests.

Oh and there’s no musicals at the small theatres anywhere near us.

Anyway... I text her to say dd doesn’t really want to go to a panto esp as Xmas is now over, that really she’s outgrown them anyway. So I await her response.

And as I’ve said, I’m not seeking maintenance for many reasons and even if I did I wouldn’t get anything as he doesn’t work or claim benefits.

I wouldn't be taking 3 buses to facilitate this contact if your DD isn't bothered. XMIL can come to you and do something that DD is more interested in.

I would drive.
I was explaining that if she was going alone hays how she would get there.
If I drove her I’d have to wait there as too far to come home and then go back again.

Dd wants me to stay with them, I usually get to hold the heaviest bags anyway!

I really don't understand how making your DD see someone who clearly doesn't particularly care about her, is taking the 'moral high ground'.

The woman is owed nothing and she brings nothing to your DD's life.

I will not be accused of excluding her father or his family. I have the high moral ground and always will have.

It has nothing to do with "high moral ground", and allowing your DD her choice is not excluding her father or his family. It is simply a consequence of their own behaviour towards your DD.

essentially that she is family

Just because someone is family, it doesn't mean you are forced to see them. I spent a very, very long time living with an abusive person. I will no longer tolerate anyone being mean to me, calling me names, etc, regardless of their relationship to me.

Thing is, you’re making all this effort and for what? To retain the “moral high ground”? You’ve parented your child alone for 13 years-you’ve got it!! It sounds as though you’re making your daughter maintain a relationship with a woman with whom (by your own admission) she has no bond and is abusive towards you, just so that no one can say you stopped her from seeing her grandmother. So bloody what?! Who cares?! You don’t and your DD doesn’t and no one else matters.

Climb down off that cross you’ve nailed yourself to OP and show your daughter how to be a strong independent woman.

You could meet for tea. Just make sure that you take XMiL firmly to task if she says anything remotely unpleasant. Ask her why she thinks your DD would want to sit and listen to her abusing you.

I have asked her why she thinks dd wants to hear her calling me names, whether she thinks dd will want to see her next time etc etc in the past, she just doesn’t hear it...

Anyway she text back saying she understands that dd might not want to see it and she can see it anytime ...but follows up by saying she still loves pantomimes because her parents and grandparents (bet she doesn’t see the irony) installed a life long love of them as they made them an annual family tradition, and isn’t it a shame I haven’t made that happen for my dd

I replied we have other annual family traditions so she need not be sad for dd about that

Ok well thanks all, crisis averted.

My DD hated the panto this yr. she's out grown it (for a fee yrs anyway!). Just tell her it doesn't work for you and suggest something else.

Good reply!

WHY ON EARTH are you putting your dd through this?!

Her dad and his mother don't genuinely care for her, they've given NO support financially or practically (why didn't you pursue maintenance?!) she's not interested in seeing this woman (and I don't blame her she's basically an unfriendly stranger!).

Why do you feel the need to prostrate yourself AND dd before this woman's feet?

I wouldn't ask her for a thing! She'll just use it as a stick to beat you with and its not her responsibility anyway - it's her sons/dds fathers!

Tbh you should be telling her to get to fuck - actually you should have done this YEARS ago! If anyone's to blame for her son being a shit deadbeat dad it's her (and his father if he's around).

"top of which being if he wants to see her it should be because he wants a relationship with her not because he’s paying for her." Cutting off YOUR nose to spite your face is one thing, in your case your dd has also suffered from your decision.

You've left it WAY too late to change your approach to this woman. 13 years?!

"I suggested meeting in London actually but she doesn’t like the crowds. Aren’t any musicals that I know of out of town?" Oh ffs really?! There ARE theatres and musicals life outside of London. Where are you? I'm sure if you wanted to mners could help you find a production in another town/city near you.

"my daughter has seen me taking the name calling, and sees me continue to try to maintain a relationship with xmil." Why ON EARTH would you think this is a good thing?! You're teaching your dd that women put up with shit treatment merely because someone is "family" - that's an appallingly unhealthy message to give her!

Take it from me 13-18 is really bloody expensive! Get onto the maintenance issue ASAP!

"Your dd’s needs trump your wants. "
This! With huge great bells on!

How can you possibly know what will happen with maintenance with a man you haven't seen in 13 years?!

On contact - after 13 yrs of nc its extremely unlikely any court would very interested in anything he might say on this and if he is clearly doing so because he's having to pay maintenance - and he doesn't have to say so for them to know that - that will go AGAINST him. (It may not be official but judges aren't stupid!)

"She won’t see xmil without me" I don't bloody blame her!

"I’d have to take her and hang around anyway" you don't HAVE to take her at all!

You're taking the high moral ground OVER what is BEST for your dd! You're setting your PRIDE as more important than your dds emotional well being.

Just because someone is family doesn't mean you have to stay in touch with them, doesn't mean you accept abuse or neglect from them. My immediate family are almost all abusive in some way. I'm nc with my sister and vlc with parents, bro and I get along fine.

You need to get your priorities sorted.

You may have dodged a bullet this year but not by being particularly assertive or clear! What's going to happen next time this stranger visits uk?

Yabu
this is nothing about moral high ground. Why would you allow your daughter to be around such a toxic person...ex MIL or not

I agree with the consensus. You do not need to be in contact with the vile cow. Like Graphista I am nc with my brother as he poses a physical threat to me.

The only question you need to be asking your dd is does she want to see this woman? She’s 13. I bet she doesn’t.

Are you sure your ex still isn’t working? Even if you go for maintenance the court is going to take your dds wishes into consideration. She has no relationship with him and he abandoned her when she was tiny.

OP - is there anything in your daughter’s relationship with her grandmother that is positive? Do they get on when they’re together? Do you get the impression that she loves your daughter?

I think the key thing is whether this is an entirely toxic and negative relationship for your daughter. If so, there is no reason to maintain it. Family or not.

You need to read back through all the replies on here and actually write it down and take note. You sound doggedly determined to do weird things. This mil thing based on “moral high ground” isn’t normal. It’s strange. So stop. You’ve got some strange opinions so you need to stop. Firstly, your DD is now 13. Google it and read up on what happens if anybody takes it to court. She’s 13. No court will order a 13 year old to do something she doesn’t want to do. Why don’t you go and see a solicitor to get a proper opinion on that if you’re running your life/decisions based on fear. Lots of us have been through this and we know so please do listen. It also doesn’t “go to court”. It has to go to mediation first unless there is DV. So there’s a long process, your daughter is already beyond the forced contact age so you’re worrying about unrealistic things. Are you sure he’s not working or claiming benefits? How do you know and how on earth does he live without money coming in? That money is you and your daughters right. There doesn’t have to be any contact for him to pay for her upkeep. Your mil doesn’t have any rights and who are you trying to maintain this “moral high ground” for? Who are you defending yourself against and why do you care? If your mil sends you furious messages why aren’t you like water off a ducks back and ignore ignore? She has no legal rights to your daughter and her opinion of anything is not cared about or listened to by anyone. Why would anyone care or judge what goes on with your daughter and who sees her? Are you famous? If not, then you are massively overthinking all of this.

The Panto is a photo opportunity saying to her friends back home "Even though my beloved Granddaughter and I are separated by distance and circumstances (aka that horrid women who made my Son's life hell and keeps me at arms length from by own blood), when I'm allowed to see her I try to make sure she and I do worthy activities. A pair of school shoes doesn't scream drama the same way.

You DD is being used as window dressing. It is expected that she is "seen to be seen" whilst your ExMiL is in the country. To be again put on a shelf and forgotten until the next "Royal Visit". I'm sure your DD realises this and you shouldn't go out of your way to accomodate ExMiL unless at your DD request.