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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to say no to xmil

92 replies

ThatPeskyElf · 01/01/2019 19:42

Xmil lives in another continent.
Dd’s Dad has been absent since she was born.
Xmil regularly comes to Uk (1-2) times a year with work. We don’t hear from her in between these times. She knows when these trips are months in advance yet doesn’t tell us she is going to be here until she’s been here for a few wks. Then she is very busy with theatre trips, going to Paris to see friends, Sweden to see friends and to other Uk cities to see friends/family yet throws a tantrum when we can’t find mutually convenient days to meet up. She organised seeing friends etc months in advance so it winds me up that every single time she fails to arrange anything with us in advance.

She is a difficult woman. She seems to blame me for her son not seeing dd- I have never stopped him seeing her, haven’t gone after him for maintenance etc yet it’s easier for her to blame me rather than admit her son is a bit of a “c” word.

2 days ago she emailed me announcing she is here and wants to see us. I dutifully replied with 4 dates between now and when she says she’s going back (in the summer she said she was here for 3 wks, turned out she was here for 7 wks (just one example of her lies) so I don’t always believe her). She huffed and puffed because only one vaguely suited her but she had hoped to keep it free as apparently after her plans for today she was planning a day indoors doing emails etc for her job.
Myself and dd have no other days free before we both go back to school next wk. So it’s tomorrow or nothing.

Anyway, xmil who has never before suggested seeing a show (daughter is a budding actress and LOVES the theatre) and prefers to take us shopping basically to carry her bags as she rarely ever buys anything for dd even for bdays/Xmas etc, has actually offered to get panto tickets.
Dd is 13 and isn’t v interested in panto (unless she’s in it) and doesn’t want to go. Tbh every time we see xmil it’s a battle to get her to go.
Xmil is pretty vile to me and dd has seen this over the yrs- this and lack of pressies and not doing anything other than shop (for xmil) means that they don’t have a bond but I have always tried to bite my tongue to maintain relationship so that dd has just one link to her other family.

We are skint. I get absolutely no money from dd’s father and never have done. Panto tickets at this stage are £47.50 each!!!!!!!!! With booking fee she will be spending £160!
Dd doesn’t want to see it.
Aibu to suggest xmil buys dd new school shoes or something else that she needs with that money instead??

She’s never offered to take us to anything like this before, so don’t really know how she will react. She’s already annoyed with me about sorting the date to see her. This and the fact that she’s usually so horrid to me is making me anxious to make such a suggestion.
But is it an U request??

OP posts:

Oldraver · 01/01/2019 20:50

Dont allow her to shout at you and more importantly dont allow your DD to witness it

Maryjoyce · 01/01/2019 20:51

Block her and move on

Original poster

ThatPeskyElf · 01/01/2019 20:51

Madame.... I’m not getting the arse?? I’m just trying to get opinions on whether it would be unreasonable to suggest something different??

OP posts:

Original poster

ThatPeskyElf · 01/01/2019 20:52

Madame.... but yes, I see that school shoes could be seen as a weapon of passive aggressiveness

OP posts:

Original poster

ThatPeskyElf · 01/01/2019 20:53

.... but it’s the only one I feel I have

OP posts:

FFSFFSFFS · 01/01/2019 20:53

I just don't see what value this is bringing to your daughter? You've done your best. time to ditch MIL and pursue the father for maintenance.

You are being a walkover otherwise. Allowing people to walkover you is not the same as being a nice and ethical person.

PanamaPattie · 01/01/2019 20:54

Tell GM to bog off with her money. A command to attend a pantomime during a bi-annual visit does not a Grandmother make.

Dollymixture22 · 01/01/2019 20:56

Get your ex to pay child support. I can never understand why women boast they haven’t asked the fresher of their child for a financial contribution. Your daughter would have an improved lifestyle of her father paid his fair share. Access is a separate issue and, at her age, he would struggle to force her to see him.

But for god sake make her (and your) life a little easier by making him provide for his child.

TipseyTorvey · 01/01/2019 20:57

Goodness she sounds exhausting and toxic. Just thinking ahead for the next ten years, do you really think your DD and Xmil will have a lovely relationship when you're not facilitating it out of politeness? I suspect as soon as your DD is old enough to make up her own mind the relationship will be done and dusted. I suggest you block and let your DD make her own decisions about how to spend her remaining holiday days.

Juells · 01/01/2019 21:03

"Sorry xmil, this doesn't work for us. Perhaps if you let me know earlier when you'll be visiting, we can arrange a time to meet."

That's good. She's adding nothing to your life, why do you feel you must oblige her? She's not even being really nice to your DD, I wouldn't let her be treated so casually. Her father has already abandoned her, she doesn't need to be treated casually by the rest of his family as well.

If she wants a relationship with her gd let her work for it. At the moment it's like she's doing you a favour by making you run after her and suit her. Grrrrr...

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 01/01/2019 21:04

Re. Contact with her Dad. I can see why you'd be concerned, but remember that your DD will be an adult in less than 5 years. Even if he did start pushing for contact, would DD be able to refuse to see him if she didn't want to? I'm in the USA so not sure when a teenager can refuse to see a parent in the UK.

Personally, I think you should risk it and go for maintenance for your DD's sake.

sprouts21 · 01/01/2019 21:09

I’m assuming your dh didn’t fuck off just after your children were born though and all their memories of grandparents are prob not of them shouting at your mother in different shopping centres about how terrible she is compared to their son who has never done anything ever as a father while you feel you are only there to hold gm’s shopping bags.

Why on earth would you allow that abusive behaviour around your dd?

Juells · 01/01/2019 21:11

I have always modelled that we dont have to act in a certain way just because others do as my daughter has seen me taking the name calling, and sees me continue to try to maintain a relationship with xmil.

Bloody hell, I missed that post. You're teaching your daughter to accept any old shit and keep taking it.

Tell your toxic xMiL to fuck off, along with her useless son. You'll never get maintenance from him, only grief. Ditch the lot of them.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 01/01/2019 21:13

I think it would be reasonable to add “shopping for school shoes” as a list of alternative suggestions to the panto, but she may very well not take the hint that it would be nice if she paid for them!

There are many musicals outside London, but hard to suggest anything without knowing where you live, of course. If you are seeing her tomorrow however that must rather limit the options...

RomanyRoots · 01/01/2019 21:14

You need to get maintenance sorted for your dd sake. She's 13 and he's paid nothing.
Tel the xmil to do one, she's nothing to you or dd now, it's not like she's bothered. She's only doing it out of duty anyway, tell her not to bother.

Maelstrop · 01/01/2019 21:14

Read what you have written back, OP. Why are you tolerating this nasty woman and more importantly, don't you think you should stop her impacting on your dd?

Drum2018 · 01/01/2019 21:15

If you don't want to push for maintenance that is your decision. But do not let xmil walk all over you and your dd to make her feel better about herself. You do not have to pander to her. Tell her something has come up, block her number and get on with your life with your dd.

OrdinarySnowflake · 01/01/2019 21:19

You have different issues here.

Tomorrow - say that DD doesn't really want to see the panto, and you dont want exMIL to waste her money, it would be better to buy tickets for something DD would like, or just take her out for lunch instead.

Other issues - you are skint but not going for maintenance on the off chance a man who's not found the time to see his DD for 13 years would suddenly want to out of spite because he's paying? Sorry but nope - it's unlikely, he might say he would want to see her, but really, not going to happen. Put in a CSA claim (or whatever it's called now). Just because the money is taken, doesn't mean he'll suddenly care.

MrsJonSno · 01/01/2019 21:22

Why do you attend with your 13 year old when she sees her Nan? I wouldn’t, especially not when you dislike her and she’s so rude to you.

Goldmandra · 01/01/2019 21:25

If she likes shopping so much, ask her to join you for shopping and then spend that time getting school shoes. If she offers to pay for them, great. If she doesn't, at least you managed to use the time to get a boring task done.

Petalflowers · 01/01/2019 21:25

Can you suggest tickets to another show?

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 01/01/2019 21:27

If she loves the theatre I think she will enjoy a panto.

Unless you're planning on doing all the drastic things suggested here like cutting her off, going for maintenance etc, I think it would be best if you just went to the panto. You don't even have to talk to her that way. Sit in the same aisle, have a giggle, have a half time ice cream and go home, job done.

Juells · 01/01/2019 21:31

the drastic things suggested here like cutting her off

It's not drastic, it's self-preservation and teaching her daughter that she's worth something. At the moment her daughter is getting very bad messages - her father can't be bothered with her, which can't be fixed, but skivvying around after a woman who has no interest in her can be fixed, by ending it. The OP is being walked all over.

Original poster

ThatPeskyElf · 01/01/2019 21:31

She doesn’t want to go to see the panto.

She won’t see xmil without me, I’d have to take her and hang around anyway as we live so far away from where we have to meet her. There’s no one else to take her and it’s 3 buses away- dd doesn’t know the town at all so not going to send her alone.
Actually I’d quite like to see the panto, at least we would have a reason not to be talking to each other (xmil and I) but it’s not my choice.

OP posts:

Cattus · 01/01/2019 21:35

You really don’t need to be responsible for the maintenance of your daughter’s relationship with this horrible woman. She’s nothing to do with you now.
I know you’re trying to teach your daughter to be be gracious to others but there is a limit to what anyone should take, and neither of you need to take what she is offering.

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