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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's not possible to make friends as an adult

81 replies

Loulzze · 01/01/2019 11:53

My new years resolution is to make new friends as I currently have none, nada. Its getting me down and lonely, and spiteful when OH goes out with his

I don't have kids so couldn't meet anyone through them, so my question is how? Everyone seems to have friends from years back and a group to socialise in but I just don't. I've never been good at slotting in and just can't seem to make friends with women. Where do I start?

OP posts:

calmsealife · 01/01/2019 11:53

Do you have a hobby you would like to take up?

SkeletonSkins · 01/01/2019 11:56

Me and a friend were chatting about this recently and decided that the trick is to find some sort of weekly class that involves/requires interaction.

Yoga - no, no interaction needed
Netball team - yes, interaction needed!

So my advice would be to start a couple of different activities/groups that require interaction and keep going every week. It takes time. I’ve made friends through dog training clubs, sports teams, a book club, even a pole fitness class!

HicDraconis · 01/01/2019 11:57

I made more friends as an adult than as a child or teen. I met people through work, and through a hobby (martial arts). Have a look at all the groups in your area and see if there’s a hobby you’d be interested in?

redcarbluecar · 01/01/2019 11:59

I think it’s more than possible to make friends as an adult, but not without effort as (other than work) you may not naturally find yourself in contexts where there are lots of people. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself about it, but think of things you might enjoy where you could meet people e.g. do a short course or volunteer for a charity.

Haggisfish · 01/01/2019 12:00

Can also recommend walking groups as you have to chat while walking!

AloneLonelyLoner · 01/01/2019 12:01

Take up running! Join a running group. You’ll get fit and meet some new people. Also, and I swear by this, join meet-up. There are thousands of different ones. I am in book ones, walking ones, art ones, apocalyptic ones! Start your own!

www.meetup.com

MickHucknallspinkpancakes · 01/01/2019 12:01

I have made very close friends only very recently, say in the last 5-8 years OP.

One from DS's school. Three others through my hairdresser! Then three colleagues from my last company.

I think the thing is never to assume that they will do the running - put yourself out there a bit, invite out to events, music, drinks etc.

I was always of the opinion that why would anyone want to spend time with me...it stopped me forming friendships as I had little self worth in my shit marriage.

Value yourself and think on what positives you have to offer.

MickHucknallspinkpancakes · 01/01/2019 12:02

P.S. the one from DS's school was another mum, not one of his mates.

Merryoldgoat · 01/01/2019 12:03

I joined a theatre company - best thing I ever did.

Definitely a hobby requiring interaction.

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/01/2019 12:03

It can be hard, and you have to be willing to put the effort in to connecting with others and sometimes keep persisting when it seems you’re getting nowhere, but it is possible. My top tip - be a good listener. Show interest in people, ask them questions about themselves, compliment them, tell them you like them and would like to spend time with them. I don’t mean in a smarmy or disingenuous way (I genuinely like talking to people and finding stuff out about them) but a lot of the time, other people are just as unsure as you and ultimately one of you has to be the one to take the plunge and make it clear you’d like to be friends.

Also - groups and hobby clubs through MeetUp are generally a better source of potential friendships than just going to classes or joining up to things, because virtually everybody who does something through MeetUp actively wants to meet new people as well as do the activity

APositiveMind · 01/01/2019 12:04

Posting to follow as also find it impossible to make new friends!

planespotting · 01/01/2019 12:05

Hobby, class, volunteering.
I find that in adulthood I enjoy the company of others with similar interests
Walking groups, women support groups, even a one off course in a botanic garden or a NT place

whenwillthetwitchstrike · 01/01/2019 12:07

I live hundreds of miles from where I went to school and also from where I went to university so all of my friends are people I've met as an adult. To be honest, I tend to discount those who have always lived in the same area as they do tend to have a gang of friends and family close by and instead look out for others who have moved to the area as they tend to have more space in their lives. You also have to put yourself out there, accepting every passing invitation whether you want to do it or not and issuing invitations yourself. And be prepared for lots of rejection.

Original poster

Loulzze · 01/01/2019 12:10

Thankyou for your kind replies. I have a couple of hobbies, riding which is pretty solitary, and I dance but I haven't really made any new friends at my new studio, I'll keep trying though.

haggisfish I like the idea of a walking club, I'll look into that thankyou.

alonelonelyloner Fab thanks I'll have a look, I've never heard of that!

MickHucknallspinkpancakes I'll stay hopeful then, yeah that's how I feel at the moment. Like everyone is already settled and happy, why would they want me tagging along too. Improving self worth is in the nye resolutions too

OP posts:

swampytiggaa · 01/01/2019 12:11

I have made the most amazing group of friends in the last few years through running. I forced myself to go to a casual running group and got involved with my local parkrun. Always someone to chat with and we tend to like cake and alcohol so we meet up a lot outside of group.

The socialising means it hasn’t been as good for my waistline as it might have been tho 😂😂😂

Birdsgottafly · 01/01/2019 12:11

I think Women are very suspicious of other Women who don't have childhoid/old friends. You see it said on here all the time.

There's also many posts who don't want Friends bringing other Women into a group or on a night out. Male friendships are a lot less complicated.

So it is difficult.

I've lost friends, some I had to break way from because they got into drugs (over 40). A couple died and then I was in an abusive relationship amd was isolated.

It's when there's a play/film on, or I'd like someone to go for Christmas drinks, with, it bothers, me.

MickHucknallspinkpancakes, OP doesn't have children and that can change how you are viewed.

My Sister got involved with a Church with a Social side and gathers loads of acquaintances, but there's still a lack of Friends.

Cornettoninja · 01/01/2019 12:13

It does seem age dependent. Hobby groups tend to work well if you’re older but the younger you are I think groups where you have to interact are probably the way to go so sports or drama.

I sympathise though, I tried quite a few things to widen my social circle before dd came along mid 30’s but it is really hard as everyone seems to be in established groups or work colleagues. Since dd people are practically shoving their phone numbers in my phone themselves - it’s really odd!

I finally seem to be hitting an age where things that appeal to me are shared by people of the same rough age which I’m glad about. I do have friends of varying ages but it is definitely easier to find common ground with someone of the same sort of age range.

Sirzy · 01/01/2019 12:13

Another one who has made some amazing friends through running.

Actually I have more proper friends since I joined a running club than I ever have even as a child! And lots of acquaintance type friends too.

Original poster

Loulzze · 01/01/2019 12:18

Birdsgottafly You're right I think it make sit more difficult. I moved away a few years ago and all my childhood friends are in different parts of the world. We meet up once a year and check in but they're no longer 'active friends'.

I grew up in the middle of nowhere with mostly boys and I think it's hindered me with bonding with women, lmost like now I'm not sure how to communicate with them well. I've always had male friends and have a couple now who I go for a drink with after work but that's all.

I feel like that too, if I want to just go for a quick drink or something there's no one to ask. It doesn't sting

OP posts:

Cafeaulait27 · 01/01/2019 12:20

I think it must be something about New Years and feeling like you have no friends as I have seen loads of threads about it today! I started one too!

I agree with everyone here and am trying to practice what I preach as I don’t really have a group of friends anymore and not one close friend.

I find the most popular people at work are those who are happy and take the time to ask people about themselves and take an interest in people. People love people who make them feel good.

So I now try to make a conscious effort to do that. I think being introverted I can sometimes be selfish and not bother to make conversation, or I worry that what I say won’t be interesting or ‘this person won’t want to be my friend’ but I’m trying to be positive and just be nice - it makes you feel better anyway and is bound to have a positive effect ☺️

Obsidian77 · 01/01/2019 12:26

I agree with the suggestions to try park run or a running club, also voluntary work.
I do find it slightly odd that you don't think you can get on with women. Just relax and enjoy the company of people you meet.

Missingstreetlife · 01/01/2019 12:27

You could put a note up at stables for someone to hack with?
I think in your twenties everyone is in much the same boat and you are fairly malleable. You choose others with similar interest or values, those friends are close and with luck last, and know each other, which keeps things going. Sometimes if you move or change partner or direction etc you lose people and it's harder to replace them.
When older you meet people in ones or twos, they share something, that's how you met, but maybe not much else so the relationship is not so rich. Keep going, you will meet people and someone will stick, it is hard but other people are also looking for companions as life happens to them too. Meetup groups may help, google it. Gd luck

Heyha · 01/01/2019 12:29

I know the horsey world isn't known for being the friendliest at times but if you ride what about either getting involved helping at your local riding club (or pony club but that'll be mums of pony kids I expect) or RDA group? Or have a group lesson even, sometimes?

DishingOutDone · 01/01/2019 12:30

I also recommend meetup.com - I joined an over 50s group there when my best friend died and made lots of new friends. Personally I prefer the single sex groups but that's up to you. If you are joining a group who like fishing or politics then I should imagine it doesn't matter one way or another but I joined a social group so stuck to women only.

AriadneCrete · 01/01/2019 12:30

It is much harder as an adult, but not impossible!

I got to the point where most of my friends were in couples and busy with their boyfriends or always wanting to socialise in couples, so I decided I needed to make more single friends or more friends that didn’t just want to spend all their time with their partners!

I would also recommend Meetup. I am not in the slightest bit sporty so I thought I might struggle to find a group or a hobby I enjoy, but there are so many groups! I live in London so I imagine if you live somewhere small there may be less choice. Definitely give it a go though. I’ve met people I would count as genuine friends now.

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