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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not possible to make friends as an adult

81 replies

Loulzze · 01/01/2019 11:53

My new years resolution is to make new friends as I currently have none, nada. Its getting me down and lonely, and spiteful when OH goes out with his Blush

I don't have kids so couldn't meet anyone through them, so my question is how? Everyone seems to have friends from years back and a group to socialise in but I just don't. I've never been good at slotting in and just can't seem to make friends with women. Where do I start?

OP posts:
Original poster
Loulzze · 01/01/2019 13:36

apositivemind I must admit I feel the same, and I'm pretty certain I've created the issue in my own head but it has me second guessing myself. A PP mentioned about our generation and phones and I agree really, I've found people my own age to be much less chatty than older generations

OP posts:
Nacreous · 01/01/2019 13:37

My mid twenties, and joined my nearest "radical" WI, and I've made about 5 friends through there! It's a nice mix of stuff to do. But I did have to woman up and ask people out for coffee separately from that! I also joined the committee to force me to interact with people.

APositiveMind · 01/01/2019 13:56

I agree, my OH is 9 years older than me. We've been together 5 years and I find his friends who are also mid 30's to be extremely kind and really chatty! I was initially very intimidated by his women friends who are older and seemed the pinical of maturity and class, after talking to them they are so lovely and welcoming. I think it's an age thing and hopefully as i/we grow older the friend game will change for the better!

WhatwouldCJdo · 01/01/2019 14:04

Volunteer at Park Runs. Hopefully yours is as friendly as our local one (with a cafe for a cuppa afterwards).

Birdsgottafly · 01/01/2019 14:06

blueskiesandforests, I've never approached the Men in any group, before the Women. I don't particularly want Male Friends, who are heterosexual, only because of past experiences.

In general, Men's Friendships are less complex. Ask anyone with Male Friends, Brothers, observing their Male Work Colleagues etc.

Going by threads on here, was what I made some of my observations on. There's been many threads about the opinion of Women who don't have an old friendship base and it was mainly negative.

I don't have an issue going places by myself. But Men, in general can go into a Betting Office/Pub/Gym etc and make friends, much more easily than Women.

Women are further impacted on the attitude to, young attractive Women, Lone Parents, Older Women, Single Older
Women etc.

I've read on here about older Women being cut out of conversations, because they've been put into 'old' category, or ironically, under 60 and likewise happens in reverse.

I'm 51, making Friends seems like an impossibility. Chatting to people, going to a hobby group, isn't making friends.

Frozenteatowel · 01/01/2019 14:18

Our WI has women your age right through to women in their 80s. It’s fun, supportive and interesting. If you can find a group with a good mix of ages that might be something to consider. You can go to a few meetings before deciding if it’s for you. I joined an evening class on bird watching 14 years ago. There weren’t enough of us for the class to keep going but the tutor and the rest of us decided to run our own group in someone’s house instead. One of my closest friends Is someone I met at it. After I got divorced I became close to the mum of one of DDs old school friends and over the years we’ve grown so close we are like sisters. I have made my closest friends since my mid 40s so it’s entirely possible.

tinytreefrog · 01/01/2019 14:22

All bar one of my current good friends I've made as an adult. Most have been through the kids, yes, but one, possibly my best one has been through work.

I would suggest like others getting involved in a hobby, or taking up a class where you have to talk to others.

ChloeCrawfor · 01/01/2019 14:33

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Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NotTheQueen · 01/01/2019 14:47

@loulzze I’ve just started a Meet-up account There’s quite a few groups etc Slightly intimidated by the requirement some have to upload a photo before they’ll let you join the group What if I’m not cool enough to join the squad? Am I destined to be squadless forever?

Ah feck it, I’ll give it a go

Original poster
Loulzze · 01/01/2019 14:51

@notthequeen
I've done the same, had a scroll through my camera roll and couldn't find a suitable pic haha. I've had a look and most social ones seem to be 30+. I'm just going to do it too, good luck!

OP posts:
Original poster
Loulzze · 01/01/2019 14:52

Man I hate not seeing messages before they're removed lol

OP posts:
Augusta2012 · 01/01/2019 14:55

Try this site. There is a girl crew in my city and they do everything from walking to pub quizzes to board game afternoons.

www.girlcrew.com/join

Haggisfish · 01/01/2019 15:19

For the meet up site, it’s just so that people know who you are if you go!

OliviaStabler · 02/01/2019 07:06

Slightly intimidated by the requirement some have to upload a photo before they’ll let you join the group What if I’m not cool enough to join the squad?

@NotTheQueen

Don't worry, the photo serves two purposes. The first is to prove you are who you say you are I.e Not a young man trying to join a women's only over 45 group and secondly so the host recognises you at the meetup.

JollyAndBright · 02/01/2019 07:39

It’s difficult but it’s definitely not impossible.

I made a friend through MN completely by accident and she is probably one of my closest friends now.
She’s bloody amazing and we totally ‘get’ each other, she’s brilliantly supportive and understanding and I wouldn’t be without her.

I think it’s easy when you find your people, people you have things in common with.
Have you tried joining some Facebook groups or forums that relate to things you are interested in?

cherrytree63 · 02/01/2019 07:48

Loulzze I sympathise with you, will watch this thread as there's some good ideas.
I've always struggled to make friends.
Lost touch with school friends.
I finally made great friends with a little group but got spectacularly "Wendy'd" by someone I befriended.
That really hurt me, we were all in a bigger FB group that met up from time to time for meals and activities, and it became apparent that I was excluded from them (I'm not sure how FB works exactly, I was still in the group but the event notifications were being hidden from me).
I moved 200 miles away to a busy (not remote) village and although I meet plenty of people for a quick chat through the horses and dogs I have no friends.
I'm not a drinker or a mum of school age children so I don't meet people that way.
All the village activities are aimed at the older generation (and I'm 55 lol!) ie chair yoga.
I went to church at Christmas though and was pleasantly surprised at the great age range there, they have morning prayers followed by refreshments on a Monday morning so I'm going to start joining in.
OP how far North are you? I'm about 10 miles South of the Humber bridge if you ever fancy a meet and greet of my horses!

nottakingthisanymore · 02/01/2019 08:01

Lots of good advice here. I think it’s inportant to remember that when you join a new club etc that you probably not become best friends with the first person you meet. You need to interact with lots of new people to get one really solid good friend. What I’m trying to say is that you need to work hard at interacting with as many new people as possible in order to maximise chances of making new friendships.

nottakingthisanymore · 02/01/2019 08:02

Sorry if my above post is waffle. I’m half asleep.

Longislandicetee · 02/01/2019 08:25

This time 6 years ago, dh and I had a New Year's Eve at home, where we realised that we felt lonely. What helped me was being prepared to be a little bit brave....

I joined a thread on mumsnet where we chat every day and was brave enough to join the first meet up - those women are now some of my closest friends. I started volunteering with the little kids at my church, which meant i got to know all the parents and have made friends that way. I also held a few parties and invited everyone in my street which has lead to me making a couple of really good friends but also a wider group of girls where we hang out together a few times a year. And finally as the kids have gone to school, i have made a few friends with some of the mums at school who are really good fun. Appreciate you can't do the last one but thought I would throw my tuppence in with all the others. I think the meet up website one is a great idea. Good luck!

Fullofregrets33 · 02/01/2019 09:37

I've given up. Sometimes I feel like I'm making a friend, mostly mums at school, and then like now over the holidays contact has been zero so what's the point.
Same with clubs etc, they are just acquaintances, not friends.
I do have one friend of nearly 20 years, we know each others families, past history, been through good and very bad. I don't think i could experience this with another person again

KonekoBasu · 02/01/2019 10:33

I can't see a way for me to make friends atm. I work full time and don't do school runs so no chance with the other mums and DH works irregular hours, is never home before 7 pm, is often not home until 9 or 10pm and also tends to work weekends so any sort of regular group is out.

cherrytree63 · 03/01/2019 08:50

After my post yesterday, I have potentially made a friend!
I was at my partner's mum's funeral, at the wake I sat down next to the ex of my partner's brother.
We chatted and laughed for ages and swapped phone numbers with plans to meet up soon.
Of all the places Grin

katseyes7 · 03/01/2019 08:59

Loulzze There's a lovely thing called www.borrowmydoggy.com where you can sign up to walk/look after someone else's dog. That way you get the 'social' thing without the permanent commitment. And you could find a friend who has a dog on there.

katseyes7 · 03/01/2019 09:03

l currently live over 100 miles away from where l grew up. All the friends l have here, l 'met' on twitter.
The weird thing is, my best friend used to live in the village next to me, but we didn't actually meet up until we both moved over here.
Not everyone on social media is going to become a close friend, but it's definitely a possibility. One of mine is young enough to be my daughter, and her and her partner were absolutely amazing when l had major surgery a couple of years ago. l couldn't have managed without them.

Ariela · 03/01/2019 09:58

@Loulzze
Your hobbies could make you more friends:
Riding: join a riding club and volunteer/join the committee
Dance: Try a different style of dancing, or volunteer to help at a dance school/dance competitions