Dating a man who is long term separated but not seeking a divorce

[Eulalia2]

I am a widow of 3 years and started a relationship with a man 9 months ago. It’s quite serious and we see each other almost every day and we spend the night together 2 nights a week. He’s been separated for 8 years. I asked him why he’d never divorced and he said at the time of the break up he felt it was less traumatic for his kids, older two were in the their twenties and youngest was 14. I’ve hinted that I feel that he’s not really free for me and he’s said he would do something about it in the future. Whenever it comes up he’s always very vague or just doesn’t speak. I know there is nothing between them as she’s living with somone else although their relationship isn’t that great. He finished with a rather causal but long term relationship almost a year ago. I think he feels its too soon to talk about our future but when is the right time? I’ve been quite ill mentally and only just started feeling better recently and he even said I might not want to stay with him. However I love him to bits and he’s said the same to me. I suppose what bothers me is that regardless of how he feels it works out with us he doesn’t have the incentive to actually take that step and divorce her. Is it just a man thing that men won’t do that unless pushed to? Should I back off or should I talk more?

Getting divorced is hardly going to majorly affect his life.

Well ok if you buy the "9 months is too soon to be making major life changes" line, turn it back on him and tell him the house deal is off -

BECAUSE YOU ARE ON THE VERGE OF MAKING A MAJOR LIFE CHANGE THAT CAN ONLY BENEFIT ONE OF YOU AND THAT ISN'T YOU, OP, NO MATTER WHAT WAY UP YOU TRY AND VIEW THIS
Also, crap advice from your RL friend.

I feel like you’re still grieving. Is how you feel now out of character or have you always based your worth on someone else’s opinion of you? I feel like this is on your mind constantly and you don’t know where to turn or what to do.

My opinion is work on you and work on your grief. This guy is irrelevant really. The main thing that I want to say is pls pls pls don’t sign away your house to him. He’s not family and has said nothing to make you think that it’s even on the cards. Therefore he’s basically a stranger. I beg you don’t sign that house over. Good luck with everything 🙏🏼

It looks to me that you are more a business proposition to him than a potential wife.

You are looking at him as a potential long term partner.

While you might need a business partner to maximise profit from your property, it is very unhealthy that this has become so mixed up in your budding relationship.

He may get upset when you say you are concerned that he is still married. But he genuinely thinks he just has a building project agreed. He hadn't realised you expected him to do it as your potential husband. He would have been looking at joint ownership if he was thinking that way, wouldn't he?

I'm with your friend. Just cool things down a bit. Everything seems very serious and intense. Can you just go back to dating and focus a bit more energy in to other areas of your life at the same time?

Well he’s good at this. You raise an important topic and he rages at you and blames you in the hope that you never bring it up again. Well played him.

If he can’t have a calm conversation with you about an important topic, if you can’t express your feelings, then this is not good. Choose option 1.

I can only tell you what happened to my friend.
She was divorced her partner wasn't. His kids were older and his ex had been unfaithful and moved in with the om.
To cut a long story short her dp lived in the family home. My friend stayed at his, cooked cleaned contributed to bills. The ex wife turned up one day and told him she was selling the house in which he lived as she needed the money to buy another house with the om.
The house was sold my friend for nothing. When she pushed him as to why he wasn't divorced and hadn't sorted all this out he told her that deep down he didn't want it finalised and that he could never live another woman as much as he had moved his wife!
The relationship ended after that.
They had been together years.

Loved not moved.

What could possibly go wrong?

As an aside, are your teenage kids okay?

Just when you think you've seen every degree of stupid, this comes along. Good grief, woman, do you have "mug" tattooed on your forehead? Get a grip, you're being well and truly played.

I would suggest that you do the following if you have not done so. 1) Get 3 estate agents to value your property in its current state. 2) Get 3 estate agents to value your property if it was divided into 2 properties 3) Ask the 3 estate agents to refer you to their free financial advisors who would provide you with how much loan you could get to renovate the 2 properties. 4) Get minimum 3 builders to quote you for estimated cost of the renovations. 5) Do all this investigation without involving your current partner 6) If you don't want to do the renovations sell the property, buy a smaller property and keep the extra cash for yourself, put some into a pension 7) Your current partner is not FREE to marry you, because he is MARRIED 8) If you have an empty property you need to pay council tax on it, ensure that this is paid 9) Be careful about discussing your finances with your current or any future partner, due to people potentially taking advantage of you

And what did your friend say about the house?

Or didn't you ask her?

Are you still planning on going ahead with the house idea, because you've said very little about all the masses of advice you've been given about not doing it.

You just keep coming back, talking about the relationship.

10. Under NO circumstances give ANYONE half your house ! 11) You can sell your house at auction if you wish and get cash, if you don't want to do the renovations

Well, clearly you don't do the house thing - that's just common sense to not do the

But after just 9 months I'd be running from the relationship if you were dishing out ultimatums with me. Telling me I had to get divorced, telling me I had to set a date for it etc. It's FAR too much too soon - why can't you just concentrate on your own life and family and just enjoy a relationship with him without having to take it to the next level?

I know it's boring to just live in the present but all this trying to pin him down is just pointless. He's not on the same page as you yet but with you forcing his hand, you're going to find yourself dumped.

I'd understand all of this if you were a few years in but 9 months is just so pushy and fraught with drama

Just read your updates

He's told you he's not ready yet. Why do your wants trump his? Just leave all this alone for god sake.

Imagine if the roles were reversed here..

' I've been seeing a nice man for 9 months. I'm separated and don't plan to get divorced any time soon, I will at some point but it's not a consideration yet. Anyway, this man keeps going on and on at me all the time that I have to get divorced. He's issuing me with ultimatums.' Etc etc

I feel almost sorry for him

And again, the house thing is a separate issue I feel. I think you've been silly there as well - I think you've offered him this house to almost try and 'keep him.'

The sensible thing to do would be to pay for it to be renovated. With money.

@BatFaced - indeed.

What happens if he gets bored doing the work part way through?

You get left with an unsaleable bodged house. He doesn't lose too much because the destructive part of a renovation doesn't take too long.

I have seen a few part completed botched renovations when looking for houses. They are far less attractive to sell than a genuine original house needing renovation.

And do you know anything about his building skills? Would he be able to provide safety certificates etc?

But have you decided against giving him the house?! Whatever you decide about the relationship, you need to slow everything down INCLUDING giving him a house!

Agree with the pp. Carry on with the relationship if you want but please reconsider the house idea. It’s terrible,you will be giving your asset to another family!

he got up to storm out of the door saying he’d never been so insulted in his life

Find that hard to believe

But he can indulge your intelligence by saying one thing and doing another?!🤔

• Insult, not indulge

I think when we're in a lifelong relationship we get a blueprint for what a relationship looks like. Marriage, shared assets, shared home, joint holidays, no 'baggage' from previous relationships, completely separate friendship groups, completely entwined families etc. And when our lifelong relationship ends we mistakenly carry that blueprint in to our next relationship.
I wonder if part of you that wants the security of marriage and shared home because of an old blueprint? So much so that you are ignoring the signs that your boyfriend is working from a different blueprint.

I'm in the dating game, and this wouldn't massively bother me. I wouldn't tend to make a new partner the sole focus of my life however.

If 9 months is too soon for him to commit, then 9 months is too soon for you to give him your house.

You are FOCUSING ON THE WRONG THING.

He’s clearly separated why does it matter after 9monyhs if he hasn’t done the legal divorce yet? Don’t ruin it over that!

The house idea married or not is the nuts thing, neither of you have any protection on it contractually, that’s what you need to sort.

If someone after 9months demanded I get divorced they’d be told to get the fuck out of my personal legal business. It isn’t that long a relationship!