I've actually had some sleep overnight, so I'm turning my attention to seasonal matters.
Detoxing. It's not fucking detoxing, as that's a medical procedure for dealing with a life threatening physical addiction. What you are doing is simply not eating Haribo for breakfast any more shit food for a bit and drinking water instead of the stuff of life gin. You feel better and slimmer because you've had a couple of good dumps and pissed a couple of gallons out that isn't the colour of Tennants Extra.
Telling people that going vegan/gluten free/eating clean/avoiding nightshades will cure all known ills, including cancer, Autoimmune Disease and Depression. Fuck off. People get ill. Deal with it. It ISN'T THEIR FAULT.
Telling people that adding apple cider vinegar to their diet/magic water will miraculously re alkalise their bodies (and cure all known ills). Piss off. Consuming a fucking acid does not re-alkalise anything because, well, FUCKING SCIENCE YOU PRICK. And if I ever see a shop masquerading as a pharmacy flogging HIGH HYDROGEN WATER TO RESTORE YOUR ALKALINE BALANCE again, well, let's just say that the OH will not be physically preventing me from marching in there and demanding they explain how a higher proportion of hydrogen ions - which is WHAT DEFINES A FUCKING ACID - is going to make anything more fucking alkaline. In any case, if it did, through whatever magical thinking and woo-woo you like, make a difference, you wouldn't notice it - BECAUSE YOU'D BE FUCKING DEAD.
People who say 'you can't have arthritis because you're young/my Nan has it in her thumb/have you tried losing weight/exercise/akalising water/prayer'. FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF. There's a world of difference between your 86 year old Nan who scrubbed floors on her hands and knees and a 34 year old whose immune system has identified her joints, skin and connective tissue as a threat. And yes, we will have tried all those things, mainly because it takes years to get somebody to do the simple blood tests that show there's an inflammatory condition and there wasn't anything we wouldn't try to stop feeling so fucking shit. They didn't fucking work, which is why we're taking the scary sounding medicine now. Except for akalising stuff. We've not tried that BECAUSE WE'RE NOT FUCKING MORONS.
(and - breathe)
Instagram Diets. Yes, she's young and pretty. Yes, he's young and muscular. Odds are that she won't look so pretty when her spine crumbles away on a diet of 900 fucking bananas a day for the next 30 years. And he doesn't look so great when he's mainlining chocolate until he vomits - in between anabolic steroid injections to try and keep a high muscle mass and low body fat percentage - either.
'Healthy Diet' Foods. Taking all the fat out but replacing it with a ton of sugar is not healthy. Or a magic fucking potion.
New Year, New You. Piss off. You're still the same twat you always have been whether you're five stone heavier or three stone lighter. And that's why when you do these big changes, you still aren't fucking happy - you're imagining you'll be a different person. Nope, you'll be the same person but taking up less space on the sofa.
The entire eliminate this entire food group and you will lose weight without EVER FEELING HUNGRY. Nope. You'll lose it if, by cutting out your usual choices, you consume fewer calories overall. And if you eat vegan snack bars, vegan cakes, vegan crisps, vegan sweets, vegan biscuits and vegan burgers with vegan mayonnaise, you'll just as likely put more on (and feel equally shit)- vegan calories are the same measure of energy as non vegan ones. By all means, choose a vegan diet if you want, but don't believe it'll make you slim and healthy by magic.