Oh, this could be a long one.
'Speak proper - it's H-aitch'. Fuck off, you uneducated moron with delusions of grandeur.
'Oh, it's very non-U'. Piss off, you only heard about this concept from reading some shitty newspaper filler article when you were a single parent with five kids from two different fathers, living in a council house filled with dirt, junk and animal shit.
'Looking back in retrospect'. For the love of God, don't use words you don't understand the meaning of because they sound fancy.
'It's Political Correctness/Elf 'n' Safety gone mad'. No, it's because calling people D*kies/Coleds has been offensive for a Very Long Time and most workers prefer to finish their day still alive and in one piece.
'You know me, I'm not racialist, but...' INCOMING RACIST COMMENT KLAXON!
'Blood's thicker than water'. The complete phrase actually means that your family is less important than religion.
'You only get ONE MUM'. Thank fuck for that. Could have done with a replacement model, though, as the version I got was clearly malfunctioning.
Deliberate mispronunciation of words in an attempt to sound 'cute'. It's not bisketti, you fucking moron. And whilst a three year old saying 'Calerpittar''is so cute it hurts, a fifty five year old male doing it when talking to his mother is creepy as fuck.
Deliberate misspellings of words in texts, not to fulfil the conventions of text speak, due to genuine errors or dyslexia, but because you think it makes you sound 'normal'. You just sound like an idiot.
Davinia McShouty. Just because.
Fiona Phillips on TV. She was fine doing a radio stint one year, but the moment a camera hits her, I just want to hit her repeatedly.
Carol 'I'm good with numbers so you can trust me when I persuade you to flog your home and intended inheritance to a dodgy equity release company' Vordermann.
Every comedian that appears on TV panel shows at the moment that thinks it's so funny they are they apparently an utter fucking moron. Seems most prevalent with female comedians. What the fuck is the point of encouraging representation when said representation is largely blondes pretending they can barely read or count to 100?
BOGOF offers. If I wanted two, I'd buy two. Just give me one of the fucking things at half price.
Self checkouts. No thanks, I'd rather have 10 human beings in employment at NMW than 20 checkouts, one supervisor and some happy shareholders.
People who are paid over fifty grand a year complaining the minions don't want to do as much unpaid overtime as they do. If they were getting somewhere in the region of a grand a week, I'm sure they'd probably feel more amenable to the suggestion.
Snidey comments about people receiving benefits having flat screnn tellys and mobile phones. You try buying a CRT at any point in the last fifteen years - or claiming benefits without internet access and the ability to make long calls.
People who seem to think that everybody receiving Universal Credit is a workshy scammer. It's paid to people in work too, you know.
People who think that the State Pension isn't a benefit. Of course it is. And whilst we're here, that money you paid in over those years? It's not been kept in a fucking bank vault to be given back to you, it was spent on other people when you were younger. It's a contributory benefit, but it's still as much a benefit as contributions related JSA or ESA is/was.
Autotune. If you can't sing the fucking tune reliably after a hundred goes in the studio, you shouldn't be fucking singing it in the first place.
Melisma. This is a subtle musical ornamentation technique, to be used like cayenne pepper - sparingly. This does NOT mean warbling around, screeching out every single note, half tone and quarter tone for 90 seconds in an vague attempt to sound like Whitney/Christina to cover up the fact that you can't actually hit the one note it's supposed to be.
'Stick with what you know'. Seriously? If you actually did that, rather than use it as an excuse to reject anything you don't want to do/try/let somebody else do, you'd still be drinking formula milk out of a bottle and shitting in a nappy.
I'm going to stop now. I obviously need to eat, have a cup of tea and calm the fuck down.