To ask if you 'just know' hes right for you? Is feeling irritated by him awarning sign?

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

Ok so this sounds a bit ridiculous but ive been with oh nearly 3 yrs but we dont yet live together (we are talking about it but not rushing as i have a 6 yr old frm previous relationship so i want to be careful).

Basically my oh is great in so many ways but he also really irritates me.. a few examples.. when visiting his sister who rents his flat he looked around and said in a patronising way describing her xmas decs.. "hmm you've done very well here" .. i cant get the tone accross typing lol but it made me cringe. Why not just say 'oh i love your tree, the decorations look great!"

Other e.gs.. he hates waste and is very careful not to waste money (thats great!) but the other day for dinner he actually weighed out frozen peas! I couldnt believe anyone weighs peas?! Yes pasta or cake ingredients etc but peas to go next to a pie? He serves small portions as well! Half a jacket potato to share with a bit of salad is a dinner at his house :-/

I also find the way he talks irritates me.. he sounds a bit poncey! He uses unnecessary extravagant words in daily life which makes me cringe .. uses the word " garnent" to describe clothes or "lets decant the fish pie into this dish then dispose of the... ".. I realise this sounds ridiculous!!.. like im picking on really minor and ridiculous issues. Im losing sleep over if i really love him given i seem to be so easily irritated by him and thought Id ask on here as I cant sleep! :-/

He also has a sparkling clean and tidy house and wipes down his taps and surfaces constantly..any tiny drip of water he wipes immediately.. i made a tea and a tiny drip went on surface and hes right behind me wiping it up.

I know its individual and what one person finds annoying wont annoy others and people will say we just arent compatible but im just interested if you'd find any of the above annoying?

*garment! Not garnent!

• I meant to say my q. is really would you also find the above annoying and would you potentially end the relationship over it? I can ask him to mellow with the cleaning but i cant expect him to change the way he talks!/ who he is obviously..

All of that would irritate the shit out of me too Op.
What are his good points?

Thanks hoof..hes kind, caring, dependable.. wants marriage and kids like me and would never lie or cheat. Hes very kind and helpful with my house which ive been doing up for the past 18 months.. spending weeknds doing diy with me and hes great with my son.

Ive tried to ignore the things that annoy me but Id say around 3 or 4 times a day im feeling mildly irritated or cringing at something he has said which seems a lot

You don't need a reason to end it..life is to short to stay with someone if you are just not feeling it..
He sounds like someone who has been living alone a long time..I expect he would find it stressful anyway living with a child full time.

I live with one of the most irritating men that ever lived. But and it is a big but, he did not even start to irritate me until we had lived together for over a decade and had children and had been through an awful lot of shit and an awful lot of fun together. I would say it is a warning sign, because if you feel like this so soon (and you don’t even live with his irritating arse) what might you feel like 20 years down the line?

if he irritates you 3-4 times a day already, you should not move in with him.

Take a piece of paper, on one side list all his good points and in the other side list all his bad/annoying points...then count them up and compare to see if the bad outweigh the good (if they do then you need to decide if you can learn to live with these things and any new annoying things he may start to do in the future)

You've got the 'ick' factor. No real reason for it most of the time, but in my experience, once it hits there is no recovery. The relationship has hit its natural end.

All that would irritate me too (quite funny though.) Can you live with him decanting and weighing and eating half a potato forever?

It's hard to say.
I'm pretty sure I irritate my DH regularly, even when it isn't my intention. And it goes both ways.
DH blows his nose louder than anyone in the world, and probably does it more often than necessary. He doesn't sort the recycling out properly. A few little things that are irritating in a day to day life, but he's a wonderful man who I love and wouldn't trade him for anyone.
He will do anything to make me happy, is very hands on and capable of doing everything handy, wallpapering, putting up shelves, digging up gardens. He makes me feel sexy, loved and he provides for us. We've been together 9 years, married for 5 years, have one DS and another on the way.
I don't think there's many people out there who can hand on heart say their partner doesn't irritate them. But it depends on how you feel about him, you are questioning if you can deal with his irritating qualities forever, that's not a good sign.
The things you have described would irritate me, but if my DH did most of them, a long with his current wonderful qualities, I don't think it would be a deal breaker because of how much I love him. You shouldn't be trying to change him, do you think you'll be able to deal with these irritants for the rest of your life? Like you said, they might not bother other people and you might both be happier apart.

How would someone so particular about their house get on living with a child. Have you discussed that?

3 or 4 times A DAY?

Fuck me.

Get rid

I can’t imagine what it would be like to live with someone who behaves like this. It would grind me down and irritate me every time he opened his mouth to speak, or followed me around cleaning. If you’re having second thoughts, and questioning the relationship, then he’s not for you.

It sounds as though he has OCD and your 6 year old would be massively impacted by him moving in, can’t imagine him being allowed to play in case he makes the house untidy. God forbid if he spilt anything.

You also don’t say if you love him, or can imagine a future without him in your life, it’s about behaviours which for me would be a massive red flag.

Yeah, the irritation shouldn't start until after you're living together.

The things you've described do sound objectively irritating but more importantly your instinct is telling you that this is not the relationship for you.

I had a boyfriend who was lovely, caring, attentive, generous.... And incredibly irritating!

He also used to use unecessarily poncy words for things (saying ‘of an evening’ really made my teeth itch!). He used to be endlessly touching me (an arm around me, holding my hand, hugging me from behind). He used to say he loved me endlessly! Starts to lose all meaning. I used to dread meeting up with him and never really missed him. I had to dump him after 2.5 years.

Now, I’m with DH. He is also incredibly irritating but not in the same way. I still love him more than anything and miss him desperately when he’s not around. He also says ‘Of an evening’ and it just doesn’t annoy me. We’ve now been together 6 years.

It doesn't seem like a good plan to move in with him if he constantly annoys you. Has he annoyed you for three years?

Have you ever stayed at his place with your son? It doesn’t sound like he could cope with a child in his space. Also the meaness over food & money are likely to impact your son in the future. These things would but him in the ‘don’t move in together’ category. But if you’re finding his quirks of speech irritating rather than endearing, then it sounds like you’ve fallen out of love already.

His outlook on life is going to be difficult to tolerate - the meanness and obsessional cleaning. What’s the longest you’ve spent together? I would think a fortnight’s holiday might be enough to make or break it. Have you told him anything is annoying you?

He also sounds really tight and that could be difficult for you in the future, OP.

Yes I think it is a warning sign. If you are irritated by him now, it will only get worse. Sometimes the most 'perfect' men (loving, caring, kind, won't cheat, etc) just aren't right for you (although they could be right for someone else).

Lots of valid points here OP. I'm not saying that this is you but it was me.. I stayed in a relationship longer than a should have with someone who wasn't right for me. I think because I already had DC and it had been so hard to find the 'right' person (plus once we introduced them after a year together the DC's loved him and he had become a part of their lives too) . It felt like I had invested so much that it was hard to contemplate life on my own so I think I ignored more of this stuff than I should have.

The one thing he had your DP had in common was the wiping up the tiniest splash the second it happened. His house was incredibly tidy, and having never had DCs himself he think he struggled with ANY mess and in turn it put me on edge when we were at his. I'd get annoyed with them for things that happened at his that I wouldn't have batted an eyelid at at ours. It's tough.

I think you have lots to consider. The other thing you don't mention (and I appreciate it might not be a factor) is do you fancy him? You used the word kind to describe him twice which is obviously very important but Is sex good, regular etc as further on down the line that's obviously really important. Do you think these irritants could start affecting how you feel about him in bed ?

He sounds fussy with the following you around cleaning up after you and weighing out peas. I'm doubtful that you asking him to mellow with the cleaning will work. Take it from someone who lives with someone with similar traits. He watches me whenever I do anything in the house and often "corrects" what I do - even though I've asked him over and over not to. That behaviour is ingrained, OP - you won't change it.

If he's irritating you now that is not a good sign. He sounds like he would irritate me.

You can't live with this man. As pp said, you have The Ick. There's no coming back from The Ick.