To ask if you 'just know' hes right for you? Is feeling irritated by him awarning sign?

[Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon]

Ok so this sounds a bit ridiculous but ive been with oh nearly 3 yrs but we dont yet live together (we are talking about it but not rushing as i have a 6 yr old frm previous relationship so i want to be careful).

Basically my oh is great in so many ways but he also really irritates me.. a few examples.. when visiting his sister who rents his flat he looked around and said in a patronising way describing her xmas decs.. "hmm you've done very well here" .. i cant get the tone accross typing lol but it made me cringe. Why not just say 'oh i love your tree, the decorations look great!"

Other e.gs.. he hates waste and is very careful not to waste money (thats great!) but the other day for dinner he actually weighed out frozen peas! I couldnt believe anyone weighs peas?! Yes pasta or cake ingredients etc but peas to go next to a pie? He serves small portions as well! Half a jacket potato to share with a bit of salad is a dinner at his house :-/

I also find the way he talks irritates me.. he sounds a bit poncey! He uses unnecessary extravagant words in daily life which makes me cringe .. uses the word " garnent" to describe clothes or "lets decant the fish pie into this dish then dispose of the... ".. I realise this sounds ridiculous!!.. like im picking on really minor and ridiculous issues. Im losing sleep over if i really love him given i seem to be so easily irritated by him and thought Id ask on here as I cant sleep! :-/

He also has a sparkling clean and tidy house and wipes down his taps and surfaces constantly..any tiny drip of water he wipes immediately.. i made a tea and a tiny drip went on surface and hes right behind me wiping it up.

I know its individual and what one person finds annoying wont annoy others and people will say we just arent compatible but im just interested if you'd find any of the above annoying?

It sound very irritating however if he has lived alone for x amount of years, it’s easy to become so used to your own way of living and become particular about things. Perhaps you could explain these things are a little too picky for you and that if you’d like to progress in the relationship he could find a way of loosening up a bit. If he loves you I’m sure he will find a way of compromising.

He sounds like a right bell end, I'd end it now. Don't have children with him because it looks like he will be really tight as well.

I had an ex who always said ‘whereupon’ but tbf we did used to laugh about it.

Most of the “good points” you list about him are just basic things to expect in a relationship, eg not cheating or lying, being dependable, kindness.

The annoyances you mention sound a PITA! I’d be concerned about his ability to tolerate normal household mess and living with your DC.

With his use of language, does he just have an extensive vocabulary, or is he deliberately using long words as a pretentious thing?

He also used to use unecessarily poncy words for things (saying ‘of an evening’ really made my teeth itch!)

The irony. The expression makes my teeth itch drives me mad and of an evening wouldn't.

Relationships need compromise. Did you not say first time you got a tiny meal “I’m still hungry I would normally have a whole potato and mound of cheese”?
I worry it sounds like you’re just festering in these irritations not speaking up.

You’ve only been together three years and don’t live together and yet he is already driving you mad. Clearly he is not ‘the one’ for you. Do the decent thing and split up so you are both free to find someone better suited to you.

You need to think very carefully about whether you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who weighs out peas and follows you around wiping tiny drips of water. Frankly, it would drive me mad.

The irritations of this man would drive me potty!

My DH can be irritating but I tell him and we (or should I say I) laugh about it. If you feel you have to bottle it up, your relationship has had it. Seriously. We've been married over 30 years and there wasn't any irritations to speak of in the beginning, it's only after decades of living together which is quite normal I think. Who can live with someone for so long and say the person they live with doesn't irritate them sometimes?

Your bloke sounds like a tight wad! Measuring peas??? WTAF. I had a boyfriend once who used to wipe up every drip in his kitchen and I can remember why I finished with him.
I took a piece of kitchen roll (off a kitchen roll metal stand) for something, leaving the next piece slightly pulled out. He walked over to the kitchen roll and tidied it up after me. I finished with him that night.
I haven't thought of this for god knows how long but it was the straw that broke the camels back. I thought... god you're anal, I don't want to be with you any more.

You need to tell him he's using decant in the wrong context.

I have a bit of an problem with people who pick on others for using more precise vocabulary - it's your issue if your lexicon is limited - but people using words incorrectly really gets my goat!

As for, "I meant to say my q. is really would you also find the above annoying and would you potentially end the relationship over it?" you can end a relationship for any reason you wish. For example, I wouldn't be with someone who held their cutlery incorrectly - it doesn't bother some people because some people do it but I couldn't watch that every day for the rest of my life!

I wouldn't be with someone who held their cutlery incorrectly - it doesn't bother some people because some people do it but I couldn't watch that every day for the rest of my life!

Yes yes yes. If someone held their knife like a pen they wouldn't last beyond one date!
My kitchen roll man.... I just thought, you will forever be hovering and tidying and being generally irritating.

The half a baked potato is ridiculous. Did he even ask if that was OK for you? Or had he decided you should only have a half. He sounds awful

After three years you should be able to say what the fuck are you weighing peas for. You sound overly formal with each other.

I had an ex who did this. It started off with irritating words, extra small portions, correcting me all the time and being a different person around his ‘posh’ friends. We were together for almost 3 years when I ignored my gut and moved in with him. It lasted a year but I was miserable the whole time and should have left much sooner. He just got more annoying every day where I just couldn’t take it anymore. I ended up blowing up at him after he got in a strop about me using a lush bath bomb in the bath as he’d just cleaned it. He was actually trying to clean the bath while I was still in it! It was the last straw.
Cut your ties and definitely don’t move in. You’ll start to notice every single irritating thing. It gets to the point where just the sight of them annoys you

I think you need to talk to your OH; obviously you cannot change the way he speaks, although that may change over time. BUT you should certainly request more food, and ask why he feels the need to weigh peas.

The mere fact you don't appear to mention/question this behaviour speaks volumes in itself. If you can't discuss the small stuff, what hope do you have with the big stuff?

Your son is 6 and probably relatively cute, when he’s a teen, he won’t wash and his room’s a mess he won’t be cute. As a mum of teens I confirm they would drive anyone who like cleanliness and order absolutely insane. DH and I have been together 25 yrs and frequently irritate each other but know each other well enough to deal with it, until we’d been living together for a while it was just his way and I found it endearing.

It sounds like this relationship is coming to a natural end sorry.

So he's a patronising cheapskate. How do you see your DC living with him and any other potential future children?

Being irritated could be par of the course but embarrassed? Nope. I used to roll
my eyes at my ex frequently but I was never embarrassed by him or what he said.

He sounds like Alan Partridge. I wouldn't fancy him.

Yes yes yes. If someone held their knife like a pen they wouldn't last beyond one date!

Exactly!

Desperatetobeamummyonedaysoon don't be so desperate to be a mummy (although surely you are one if you have a 6 year old already...) that you will overlook factors in your relationship that are clearly 'deal breakers' for you before you've even moved in with him.

I wonder if he is from another country where they use different words to describe things? Or has he been learning English here and got not got the words quite right? Or is he blatantly taking the piss out of himself?

Oh my god this would irritate the shit out of me and I wouldn't be able to be with him. Sorry OP.

How strongly do you want to be in a relationship?

There are plenty of people who (although they won't necessarily admit it) would rather be in a relationship with someone who was nice-but-irritating, than be alone.

But it's not 1810, you're not Charlotte Lucas, you won't be socially ostracised for being single, you're able to earn your own living, you already have a child. So you don't have to make that choice unless you want to.

The question is, could you live with the irritations and the mean-ness with food for the rest of your life? I suspect you would say not if you thought about it some more. A life sentence.

Those things really start to become more annoying as time goes by, it doesn't get easier to live with, and he will not change.

Excellent reference, @Trills

I'd be asking him if he learned to weigh his peas on the exceedingly excellent and meticulously calibrated measuring scales at Rosings.

I had a female friend who used to do some of those things and they turned out to be symptoms of serious controlling behaviours.
To the extent that she underfed her child. She also used to use love as a conditional reward.
In the early stages it was hard to sort the 'Hyacinth Bucket' keeping up appearances type things from the controlling behaviours.