Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH could do a bit more on the mornings?

83 replies

Lipsticktraces · 30/12/2018 09:22

Because I’ve just been told not to start before he goes to work...

DH works fifteen minutes walk from our house and doesn’t have to be there until 9am. We have four month old twins.

On a morning he will just get up (as late as he possibly can) get dressed and go. We have a dog and a cat. He never lets dog into garden for a wee or feeds them before he goes. My twins usually wake up around 7.30 to 8 am and I have to change nappies and breast feed both before I can even attempt to leave the bedroom. This takes at least an hour. I would appreciate a cup of tea and some toast from him so much as I’m usually thirty and starving. It just doesn’t happen though unless he has time and I ask him for it.

I know he has to go to work, but I work everyday 24 hours with these babies. AIBU to ask for just a little bit more thought?

OP posts:
Passthepigs · 30/12/2018 09:24

He definitely should be pulling his weight!

When I was on maternity leave I did the night shifts so from 11pm to 5am. From 5am until 8am when DH needed to go to work he was in charge so I could have a few hours rest. He would take DS down and put him in his bought chair while he got ready and then usually bring him back up when he left for work at which point DS would usually go back to sleep.

Adversecamber22 · 30/12/2018 09:26

He absolutely shoukd make you a tea and some toast and sort out the pets before he goes as a minimum. It would make a huge difference to the start of your day and he could do it all in ten minutes. He needs to realise life has to change when children come along. Does he do anything after work at all?

Congratulations by the way I found just one at a time hard work.

Emma145 · 30/12/2018 09:28

He should be doing more I have one 7 month old and my partner has to leave at half 7 for work but he gets up at 6 to walk the dog and to see to our son for half hour so I can get his bottles ect sorted for the day.

trooth · 30/12/2018 09:30

Exactly what Adversecamber22 said! Life changes when you have children. All he would have to do is "sacrifice" 15 minutes of sleep by setting his alarm earlier. It would make such a huge difference to your day without all the rushing. Plus it's all these small kindnesses over the years that shows someone cares and values you.

Shoxfordian · 30/12/2018 09:31

He's acting like a single man not like a father with responsibilities

Its not good enough

Does he do anything around the house or look after his children in the evenings or weekends ?

Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 30/12/2018 09:34

@Emma145 His parents and little brother were visiting yesterday. I walked the dog myself at 5pm because he’d sat on the PlayStation with his brother all afternoon!

With regards to what he does after work...he washes up. Sometimes makes some food for us both. The bin has needed emptying for two days now though and the cat tray (which he is supposed to do) should have been fully cleaned days ago.

I’m just so pissed off today. Everyone thinks I am fucking Wonder Woman. Even when his parents visited yesterday it was all just cuddling the babies. Nobody offered to help me change a nappy/do anything practical. I’m sick of doing it all myself!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 30/12/2018 09:36

And his sodding parents are coming back round again in half an hour (they live three hours drive away and are going home today) my second twin is still feeding and niether them or me are dressed yet! Fucks sake.

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 30/12/2018 09:40

Babies dont need dressed. Text pil and ask them to bring food with them for lunch as your stuck feeding babies and havnt made it out of bed yet. Be honest and tell them.what you need.

Authenticcelestialmusic · 30/12/2018 09:41

I have twins who were breastfed and your dh is being very unreasonable. Has he always been lazy around the house? Dh is a sahd and I cannot imagine leaving him to do everything, never mind playing games all afternoon (I am not anti computer games). Is he hosting today or expecting you to run yourself ragged cooking, feeding, cleaning etc while he sits down n his bum?

Allthewaves · 30/12/2018 09:41

Most people won't change nappies unless asked esp mil. ASK them to.do some practical things- they may be worried about stepping on your toes

Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 30/12/2018 09:42

I mean not dressed in the sense we are in last nights clothes etc.

I don’t really feel comfortable asking them to bring food. We aren’t that close really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 30/12/2018 09:44

He’s at work for 12 hours now Authentic. PIL aren’t staying long and then I’m on my Todd again all day.

OP posts:
RumbleInTheJungle29 · 30/12/2018 09:45

He sounds really lazy. His working hours aren’t that long especially considering his commute. My dh does everything. We both just do what we see needs to be done. Sitting playing PlayStation when you have twins and there’s things to be done is completely arrogant imo. Can you sit down together and talk about it? Would he respond well to having set tasks? Some men seem to be clueless and need to be told exactly what to do and when. Maybe you could come up with a list of household tasks and then go through them together and decide who will do what. If he won’t listen I sugges doing nothing for him. No cooking for him, cleaning, washing etc. Too many women enable tho behaviour and men take advantage. If he knows he won’t get away with it things will soon change.

user1493413286 · 30/12/2018 09:45

Definitely; we agreed that my DH would feed the cats, do the washing up and put a wash on before he left in the morning. Although that did come about after I got upset telling him I needed some help.

He was off to work before I was up but tea and toast would have helped if I was up.

PerfectPeony · 30/12/2018 09:47

He sounds so lazy! Have a serious talk with him and tell him he’s not doing enough. I do all the night feeds (ebf) so DH does everything he can possibly do in the morning- I wouldn’t expect anything less.

Looking after twins all day is far far harder than going to work anyway- at least he gets a lunchbreak!

user1493413286 · 30/12/2018 09:47

As said before he can’t just carry on like he did before; life has changed now.

AlsoBling2 · 30/12/2018 09:52

Completely unacceptable. This needs to stop immediately.

Dh and I briefly had a period where I got stuck in the parent role alone in the morning. It stopped as soon as we realised what was happening.... because dh is a reasonable person whounderstands it's not all up to me.

If he needs to leave at 845 and the morning chores include feeding babies, making tea/breakfast, feeding pets, letting pets out, gettinv dressed/showered for work/day etc, you need yo agree a breakdown of responsibilities and a time to get up accordingly.

I wouldn't be subtle. Be direct. Tell him what you consider his responsibility and timings

Birdsgottafly · 30/12/2018 09:52

Yes he should be doing you breakfast. His life is a doddle compared to yours.

You have to ask people to do nappies, we've all become so aware of misinterpretation of actions towards children.

Likewise, if you read MN as a MIL, you'd be too scared to bring foid, do cleaning etc.

Even with my DD, I ask, or she does.

So start asking and start making it clear to your DP what you need.

Weenurse · 30/12/2018 09:52

Sounds lazy.
Feed twins on weekend then tell him you want tea, toast and a sleep in and leave him to it.
He needs some hands on care

Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 30/12/2018 09:52

Getting more raging with every response here. Just gone downstairs. Curtains still shut etc. Literally everything to doAngry

OP posts:
CreativeMumma · 30/12/2018 09:53

Today when the babies need a change just give it to him and say X needs a new nappy.

I think if he isn't thinking of it then tell him, I need you to do xyz now/by this time and have a serious talk about your needs. He needs to step up to the plate. Good luck!

Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 30/12/2018 09:53

Actually feel like telling everyone to just fuck off today!

OP posts:
AlsoBling2 · 30/12/2018 09:54

Also, my dad once told me that a man who wasn't willing to make his wife a cup of tea in the morning was not much of a man. He is right
.

madcatladyforever · 30/12/2018 09:56

Have you actually told him what you want? Most men need telling, they are useless at guessing. I've learnt this over many years blokes need telling in no uncertain terms what you expect from them or they will do nothing. Generalisation I know but even so.
Congratulations of your twins, you must be exhausted though.

Moominfan · 30/12/2018 10:00

Op your anger is justified, he sounds a lazy man child. Life changes when you have kids.

Swipe left for the next trending thread