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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH could do a bit more on the mornings?

83 replies

Lipsticktraces · 30/12/2018 09:22

Because I’ve just been told not to start before he goes to work...

DH works fifteen minutes walk from our house and doesn’t have to be there until 9am. We have four month old twins.

On a morning he will just get up (as late as he possibly can) get dressed and go. We have a dog and a cat. He never lets dog into garden for a wee or feeds them before he goes. My twins usually wake up around 7.30 to 8 am and I have to change nappies and breast feed both before I can even attempt to leave the bedroom. This takes at least an hour. I would appreciate a cup of tea and some toast from him so much as I’m usually thirty and starving. It just doesn’t happen though unless he has time and I ask him for it.

I know he has to go to work, but I work everyday 24 hours with these babies. AIBU to ask for just a little bit more thought?

OP posts:
Imalittleelf · 30/12/2018 10:03

Then do that....

Tell your dh that you need help because it's making you Ill. Life does change after babies and it takes a lot of getting used to and getting your head round.

It took my dh a bit of time to adjust and me explaining what I needed and when. I am lucky that he is very attentative anyway but I do sometimes still need to ask.

He needs to know that babies come first and you. When all your needs are met then he can play. He needs to get up earlier and at least make you tea and some food. If you are bf you being fed is priority.

He also needs to understand that any routines will also constantly change and he needs to adapt to the babies.

SilverBirchTree · 30/12/2018 10:04

Your DH is being an arse.

It drives me mad that grown men need women to point out what any sensible person would see needs to be done. You shouldn't ducking have to ask for him to let the dogs out etc when you are trapped under babies for an hour every morning.

Since he is apparently that thick or lazy, could you write him a list? Including things to do the night before. When I had a newborn I asked that DH emptied the dishwasher every night before he went to bed. That way the kitchen didn't accumulate dishes during the morning and I didn't waste naptimes tidying the kitchen.

Mayhemmumma · 30/12/2018 10:04

You're right. He's not being very caring really and you can't necessarily install care into someone. You can tell him what you need...but a tea in the morning should be obvious to him. I'd text his parents and say, just to pre warm you I've had a long tiring night with babies and have nothing in, looking forward to seeing you both but please can you stop off to get bread/milk etc.

SilverBirchTree · 30/12/2018 10:04

And congratulations on breastfeeding twins for this long!! Great stuff

thinkingcapon · 30/12/2018 10:06

I totally get why you're so fucking angry, he's not helping at all but you have to tell him this before you self combust
Are your twins good sleepers?

TheVonTrappFamilySwingers · 30/12/2018 10:13

It constantly amazes me how much shit women put up with from their 'D'Hs on Mumsnet. Honestly nip this in the bud right now or your growing resentment will end your relationship down the road.

PerfectPeony · 30/12/2018 10:13

Good for you OP. Stand up for yourself. Print off these replies and show him!

Caring for and breastfeeding twins, he should be worshiping the ground you walk on. Smile

CripsSandwiches · 30/12/2018 10:14

YANBU but don't bring it up in the morning. Choose a calm time and agree that in the morning he'll get up 15 minutes earlier, feed the cat, let the dog out and make you a cup of tea. Then he has to set his alarm and stick to it.

TheBigBangRocks · 30/12/2018 10:15

Not really that lazy if he works a twelve hour day and comes home and cooks etc. He could let the dog out though in the morning.

Four month old babies don't need to be dressed for visitors. A sleepsuit is fine.

rwalker · 30/12/2018 10:16

Why don't you say to in laws could do with some help this morning .Explain you've done every nappy ,every feed, house a tip and anything would be appericated . They would probably love to be of some practical help and feel useful . Plus mil might bollocks her son. Also not a criticism but when you do everything other half does't realise how hard it is and the scale of what needs doing .

HollowTalk · 30/12/2018 10:18

I agree re breastfeeding twins - that's amazing. Just caring for one child is tough enough.

You need to get really tough with him, OP. He's acting like a teenager. That's exactly how my son was at 15, getting out of bed, into the bathroom and off, because he had no other responsibilities. It's hard to believe the absolute selfishness of someone who'd leave their wife feeding twins without even drawing the curtains or making her a cup of tea.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 30/12/2018 10:21

Your anger is totally justified, he’s behaving like an inconsiderate arsehole. My ex husband was like this. You need to have a serious talk, he firm and direct and let him know how much of a toll his attitude is taking on you. You’re both parents, he needs to grow up.

And well done on bfing twins for so long! I’m in awe of that, I found bfing just one baby exhausting!

QueenofmyPrinces · 30/12/2018 10:24

Oh OP - his behaviour is shocking!

After my first baby my DH acted a bit like yours, didn’t seem to understand that I needed help and how time consuming the baby was etc and how much I was struggling. It went on for months, the resentment building until eventually I couldn’t take it anymore and I packed me and baby off to my moms whilst he was at work and phoned him to tell him I wasn’t coming home because I didn’t feel like we were a team.

I ended up staying with my mom for 4 days until I agreed to go back home. After that things improved massively.

Every morning before work he would get up, sort the cats out, bring me up a cup of tea, wash up from the night before and then make me a packed lunch and put it in the fridge so he’d know I would at least have something to eat at lunchtime.

When he came home from work he would take the baby and send me upstairs for about 1.5hours to get some sleep and in that time he would cook us a hot dinner. He was brilliant.

We have a second son now (16 months) and he’s equally, if not more so, helpful and supportive in terms of what he does to enable me to rest and do his share.

I’m not saying you need to leave but sometimes men need to know that enough is enough and actions speak louder than words as they say.

You sound bloody amazing and you deserve so much more from your husband!!!!

Lazypuppy · 30/12/2018 10:32

OP TELL your partner what needs doing, set out your expectetions and start asking for help. I am not having a go, but you seem to expect him to know what needs to be done. And yes to some extent he should, but my partner would be the same if i let him. He has said to me he finds it hard to know what to do as me and baby have our routine from when i was on maternity so he would just try to slot in.

Tell him he needs to do x, y and z before wotk so its his responsibility to get up in time

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 30/12/2018 10:33

I'm off on mat leave, my husband gets up with the toddler and gets her ready and if the baby wakes up he will get her up change her nappy and get her a drink. He brings her to me in bed to breastfeed. Then drops the toddler at nursery on his way to work.

I think it's incredibly selfish to have a lie in every morning while you struggle on your own with two babies. It's not like you have a break in the day. Does he do an equal share at weekends? Give you a lie in? I think both people should have same amount of lie ins, hobby time, relaxing time etc and if you're getting up in the night then he gets up early to make it fair. You can't have young twins and not expect it to impact on your life or be a bit tired!

Make the changes now before you get so resentful you can't get past it ams before he thinks this is the way it's going to be forever. If you make childcare your role in the relationship then you will always be the default parent, for everything

Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 30/12/2018 11:20

Thank you for the replies everyone. It’s good to hear most people agree with me.

He does sometimes do long shifts, but he actually only works 30 hours a week at present so hardly overworked!
Babies are pretty sound sleepers and I do all night waking anyway due to BF. He definitely still gets his eight hours a night.

I’m going to have to sit him down and discuss it. I can’t go on like this.

I never really get a lie in now. I can’t leave babies for more than a few hours either as DT1 is a bottle refuser, so I can’t even express for her. Not that I want to leave then for long anyway but the responsibility feels crushing sometimes.

I’ve been asking him to empty the bin for to days. The clothes I asked him to take out of the dryer yesterday are still in there. The babies hardly have no clean clothes as I’ve not had time to wash with PIL being here. I might go on strike!

I had a rant at MIL about his laziness earlier and she agreed with meGrin

OP posts:
OrchidInTheSun · 30/12/2018 11:40

Your husband is a lazy inconsiderate arsehole. You are feeding and caring for his babies 24/7 and he's leaving their clothes to fester damply in the dryer, stinking bin of rubbish in the kitchen and a cat tray full of piss and shit while he sits on his arse playing on his PlayStation.

He's a revolting man-child.

I would leave. Take your babies and go and stay with your family for a bit. Someone might actually make you a cup of tea

Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 30/12/2018 11:42

I had an argument with DM a few days ago so can’t even go to parents!

I might book into a hotel. One with room service, a mini bar and a clean bin!

OP posts:
QueenofmyPrinces · 30/12/2018 11:44

Do it. He’s behaving appallingly and you shouldn’t put up with it.

OrchidInTheSun · 30/12/2018 11:48

Do it. Order room service

Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 30/12/2018 11:56

Can you even take small babies to hotels?

OP posts:
Cranky17 · 30/12/2018 11:58

I had a rant at MIL about his laziness earlier and she agreed with me brilliant you are getting closer, if she’s around ask her for help before they go.
Maybe she will have a word with dh as well.

Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 30/12/2018 12:00

They’ve gone now Cranky and they live hours awaySad

OP posts:
Minniemountain · 30/12/2018 12:01

Of course you can. All you need is a travel cot.

saffkey1 · 30/12/2018 12:04

He sounds lazy.My DH used to do this even on his days off he would lie in and listen to me struggle,we have 3 children under 5 and my oldest son is severely autistic.You need to talk to him.I told mine how it made me feel like a slave and its careless,I know he works but they are his children/pets/home and you aren’t exactly asking him to do entire house clean before leaving.

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