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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH could do a bit more on the mornings?

83 replies

Lipsticktraces · 30/12/2018 09:22

Because I’ve just been told not to start before he goes to work...

DH works fifteen minutes walk from our house and doesn’t have to be there until 9am. We have four month old twins.

On a morning he will just get up (as late as he possibly can) get dressed and go. We have a dog and a cat. He never lets dog into garden for a wee or feeds them before he goes. My twins usually wake up around 7.30 to 8 am and I have to change nappies and breast feed both before I can even attempt to leave the bedroom. This takes at least an hour. I would appreciate a cup of tea and some toast from him so much as I’m usually thirty and starving. It just doesn’t happen though unless he has time and I ask him for it.

I know he has to go to work, but I work everyday 24 hours with these babies. AIBU to ask for just a little bit more thought?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 30/12/2018 12:06

I’ve got a travel cotSmile

OP posts:
ImNotKitten · 30/12/2018 12:09

What a man child he is. So selfish to just get himself ready and not even attempt to pull his weight. He should be sorting the pets out and leaving you in bed with tea and toast.

RedPanda2 · 30/12/2018 12:11

So he doesn't look after the animals or the children? Sounds like a catch

OrchidInTheSun · 30/12/2018 12:13

There you go then. Pack you and the babes up and go to a hotel.

Minniemountain · 30/12/2018 12:13

There you go then. BF means you'll need to take less stuff with you. Book somewhere easy and reliable like a Premier Inn and let the lazy sod look after the house.

safetyfreak · 30/12/2018 12:13

You sound like a single mum. What does he contribute apart from the finances?

My DD dad was the same and when we split when she was 2, it was no big trauma as I had been doing the majority of things myself anyway!

I got more of a break actually when we split because he had DD for visitation. I hope in your case, your OH listens and he will step up.

OohLookAtThat · 30/12/2018 12:16

He definitely needs to pull his weight. So he works, big fucking deal. My DH works and still takes the dc downstairs with him in the morning whilst I shower and get dressed, gets their l breakfast ready and empties the dishwasher if he has time before he goes to work. Parenting is about being a team. I would be pointing that out to him.

buckingfrolicks · 30/12/2018 12:18

Bloody hell the mans an arse.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 30/12/2018 12:19

Wait. He works 30 hours a week, a mere 15 minutes walk from the house, and does fuck all essentially at home where you're on 24/7 as you breastfeed baby twins?!?!

You've married a selfish, man child arsehole.

I'd read him the riot act and tell him things change immediately or he can get the fuck out.

GreenTulips · 30/12/2018 12:19

I had twins

I agreed with DH that
He wouldn’t leave without making me tea
Make sure there was milk and tea bags
Do the baby bottles - at least the next feed
Put the washing machine or dishwasher on as needed

This worked well!

He’s lazy and needs a kick up the bum

Lazypuppy · 30/12/2018 12:21

I think this is all a bit dramatic from some of these posters. OP you need to talk to your dh, yes he is being lazy etc but have you pulled him up on it in the past? If you don't tell him how you're feeling or what you expect he may think (rightly or wrongly) that the way things are is fine as you never say otherwise.

Upping and taking his kids to a hotel is not the right way to go about it. How would you feel if you came home from work and your kids were gone, that's what you're thinking of doing to him, because he hasn't emptied the washing machine or cleaned the cats litter tray?

There is a lot he needs to start doing so he is doing his fair share of everything, i'm not disputing that, all i'm saying is sit down and talk, and stop waiting for him to offer to do things, tell him what needs doing and he'll start to realise.

In the mornings, tell him to take babies downstairs with him, don't ask, then roll over and go back to sleep, or have a shower, whatever you want

Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 30/12/2018 12:33

I don’t even want the babies taken downstairs. I’m perfectly happy looking after them on a morning. The animals fed and a cup of tea would be enough. I’m often trapped feeding for over an hour and get awful tea withdrawal headaches (I may drink more than is good for me)

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 30/12/2018 12:39

He's neglecting you, your babies and the animals. I'd be hitting the roof with him. Selfish prick.

OrchidInTheSun · 30/12/2018 12:57

lazypuppy - do you really think the OP's DH is so stupid that he doesn't know that he's 'forgotten' to take the bins out, change the cat litter, let the dog out, feed the animals and unload the drier while his wife is breast-feeding his babies?

Of course he knows. He just doesn't care.

Why do some women persist in infantilising men? Confused

QueenofmyPrinces · 30/12/2018 13:02

Why do some women persist in infantilising men?

Completely agree!!

There’s no defence for the way he’s behaving. He’s just a selfish idiot.

SilverBirchTree · 30/12/2018 13:04

Don't up and go to a hotel. Have you even spoken to him?

I'm not sure going to a hotel with four month old twins is exactly a break either. The same work without the set up you have at home.

Pick a time when neither of you are in a rush and tell him how his behaviour is impacting you, your children and your pets. Write down the household tasks, the schedule for the day, allocate EQUAL time for rest, leisure, socialising between you.

Have a sensible conversation like adults. Running off to a hotel won't solve anything it just makes you look dramatic and mean.

SilverBirchTree · 30/12/2018 13:05

Just to clarify - as I posted earlier- I agree he is being an absolute arse.

Just don't think absconding while he is at work is the answer.

birdsdestiny · 30/12/2018 13:08

How can anyone think that writing lists for a grown adult is ok. Honestly that makes me feel ill.

QueenofmyPrinces · 30/12/2018 13:11

How can anyone think that writing lists for a grown adult is ok. Honestly that makes me feel ill.

Agree.

I wonder who writes a list for the OP in terms of what needs doing on a day to dad basis....

Oh yes, that’s right, she doesn’t need one as she’s an adult with a functioning brain.....just like her husband is.

Original poster
Lipsticktraces · 30/12/2018 13:15

I won’t run off to a hotel. I was just venting spleen!

Well exactly. Nobody writes me a fucking list. We used to have a cleaning rota before the babies were born, but I just ended up in charge of allocating the rota!

My house is an utter shit tip at the moment. It’s so depressing!

OP posts:
Wearywithteens · 30/12/2018 13:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

OrchidInTheSun · 30/12/2018 13:21

She's breastfeeding the babies Weary. Why would she want them taken downstairs? They need feeding which is something only the OP can do

SilverBirchTree · 30/12/2018 13:28

@Wearywithteens I have no time for the idea what it is a breastfeeding mothers job (on top of everything else) to make sure the dad finds ways to be included. Why the fuck should she be spending her emotional reserves on this?

Things dads (shouldn't need to be told they) can do to bond and feel included:

Settle the baby
Bath the baby
Change the baby
Rock the baby
Read to the baby
Sing to the baby
Massage the baby
Fetch drinks for mum
Fetch the remote for mum
Encourage the mum
Cook the dinner
Etc etc etc

Men should not need women to point out the bloody obvious!!!

Fucking cudos to the OP for breastfeeding twins while this idiot does little to help. It's not her fault if he is too stupid and selfish to step up.

moomoogalicious · 30/12/2018 13:30

Most men need telling, they are useless at guessing

What rubbish! As a woman i don't need telling - i use my bloody eyes and ears!

OP my friend has twins and had a DH like this. Note past tense.

Dermymc · 30/12/2018 13:34

Weary you are chatting shit.

This man is useless. Women don't need a list left for them, funnily enough we can spot the tasks that need doing and do them.

OP you need to sit him down and have a serious chat about this. If it takes a rota, by all means do him one. He needs to man up and stop being so lazy.