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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Too Feel Betrayed and Totally Gutted by my Daughter's Attention Seeking Behaviour???

103 replies

CaroBB · 29/12/2018 16:15

I'm hoping you guys can give me some advice.
I've an DD in her early 20's. I've put her through Uni and she Graduated this year.
She's now back home and works a 30 hour week in hospitality.
The thing is, She's always trying to make her life sound dreadful to others. Her DF and I split up 10 years ago after he had an affair and he did let her down frankly. He's not been a consistent DF, more wanting to be her friend. I've stuck by her solidly, always been there for her. I've provided a normal home, worked damn hard night and day and I don't think I could have done much more to help her through the hard times.
I've recently had a friend mention she's done some shifts with DD at work. She had to put up with lots of tears and lots of ' my life has been awful ' from DD. Thing is, my DD doesn't know I'm pals with her new shoulder to cry on and to be honest, I was stunned with what she had been saying.
Yes her dad left, but her life has been great apart from that bit.
I'm getting more angry that she's going to other people lying about her past, My own Mum has found out and is furious on my behalf and says DD is an attention seeker and she should be ashamed of the negative way she is portraying me.
This is the 5th or 6th time I've herd about her bending the truth about her past to others. I'm Guaranteeing that she's not telling the truth btw....Ive not missed any TERRIBLE Incidents egg, She's had a normal life! No major Trauma etc....
Can she be a bit crazy? How have you guys felt with Attention Seekers?
No nasty comments, just nice advice please guys..... Many Thanks. I'm at a Loss Here!

OP posts:
Hwory · 29/12/2018 16:20

Just because your perception and her perception doesn’t match up doesn’t mean that either of you are lying.

Having a parent abandon you can have a life altering effect.

IceRebel · 29/12/2018 16:20

I'm not sure why your daughter was crying to a co-worker about her past, that in itself seems very strange behaviour, and very unprofessional.

However you can't know this for certain Yes her dad left, but her life has been great apart from that bit. Teens and young adults keep all sorts hidden from their parents so there could be things you have no idea about. Also if you worked night and day that could have also had an impact, she went from having 2 parents to her dad having an affair and hardly seeing her mum.

iano · 29/12/2018 16:21

What exactly is she saying? I agree that just because you think her life wasn't hard doesn't mean she has to feel the same

Bombardier25966 · 29/12/2018 16:22

Can she be a bit crazy?

What does this mean?

It's quite possible that your daughter's memory and interpretation of past events is different to yours. Have you asked her about it? Or are you happier to gossip with the mutual friend behind your daughter's back?

Notacluethisxmas · 29/12/2018 16:23

Perception is everything.

Quite frankly I think it's awful this person is pretending to be a shoulder to cry on, but hiding her connection to you and you are hiding it too. This person is running to you with all the info. Then you tell your mum.

If you think this is ok, I am getting her life hasn't been as rosey as it is from your point of you

Notacluethisxmas · 29/12/2018 16:24

And i bet you anything, this middle person is loving this. They will be adding bits in or maybe making up whole chunks.

missyB1 · 29/12/2018 16:24

OP does seem to say though that her dd has told lies about her past.
I’ve known people like this and I don’t know why they do it, there must be some psychological reasons I guess. It’s very wearing though and people stop believing them in the end.
Have you thought about asking her why she has said some of these things?

greendale17 · 29/12/2018 16:25

She sounds like one of those people that wants sympathy all the time. Poor me, oh look at me types.

I wouldn’t be happy either as she is wrongly portraying past events possibly making you look bad.

Mrsbclinton · 29/12/2018 16:26

Do you think her Dad leaving may have had a bigger impact on her than you realise & she finds it easier to let it out to a stranger?
She may have a different take on things than you.
Does she talk to you about it? Could you have a conversation with her about it without mentioning your mutal friend.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 29/12/2018 16:27

Perhaps being abandoned by her DF has had more of an impact on your DD than you realise?

ChodeofChodeHall · 29/12/2018 16:29

My DM doesn't understand why I claim to have had a difficult childhood either. It's the main reason we don't really talk these days.

Prosecco94 · 29/12/2018 16:29

Why are people attacking the OP? If nothing traumatic other than her dad leaving has ever happened in her life (and yes there could be some stuff that the OP doesn’t know about but it sounds like she’s been saying her homelife has been traumatic!) then I get why OP’s annoyed. She could’ve had my childhood FFS, then she’ll know what traumatised was.

Yes, perception is everything but really, most people nowadays have divorced parents, and maybe don’t get along with one, if that’s all that’s happened then I can understand OP being annoyed at her daughter painting her homelife as traumatic.

Timeforabiscuit · 29/12/2018 16:30

A calm sit down talk with your daughter is in order, its either a gossipy co-worker stirring the pot or something else is going on which needs getting to the bottom of.

Early 20's isnt quite a grown up either, an early lesson in "people talk and you dont know whats going to get back to whom, particularly in the workplace" is a good one to learn!

MoaningSickness · 29/12/2018 16:32

Just because your perception and her perception doesn’t match up doesn’t mean that either of you are lying.

This. And yes, she is prime age for being a bit overdramatic about things and taking them to heart, so things may come over a bit stronger than she means them.

As to what to do, tell your 'friend' you don't appreciate the two facedness, try to forget what you heard, and carry on with your daughter as usual.

Doobydoobeedoo · 29/12/2018 16:32

It sounds as though you could do with a bit of space from each other.

Your DD should be able to talk to someone at work without it being reported back to you and your mother. Equally, you shouldn't have to listen to reports of "DD said this/that".

The first step should be telling the mutual friend that you don't want to hear any more. If you can't face that, tell your DD that everything she tells this person is being fed back to you.

Cherries101 · 29/12/2018 16:32

It’s possible she has attendance or performance issues and is playing up the sympathy card to the other staff. Either way I suggest you tell her, as calmly as possible (so wait until you’re no longer angry) that her shoulder to cry on is your friend and is telling you everything.

pinkdelight · 29/12/2018 16:33

"She's had a normal life! No major Trauma etc...."

Erm, apart from her dad having an affair, letting her down and leaving at a formative age. And it's only your perspective that you've been beyond reproach. The fact that your mum and you are up in arms about this and think she's crazy, plus keeping your relationship with her confidante covert, might suggest things are more complicated. If I were you, I'd be more worried about whether my DD was okay than what people might think of me, first and foremost. Even if she's got a warped perspective, that isn't normal and suggests something is wrong. Don't be so quick to rush to judgement, and keep it between you and DD, leave your mum and this untrustworthy go-between out of it.

SnuggyBuggy · 29/12/2018 16:35

Is she actually making up things that didn't happen or giving a different slant on events?

Dollymixture22 · 29/12/2018 16:38

You need to have a chat with her - your friend should have let her know about the connection - but now is your opportunity to have a calm chat about what you have heard. Ask her if she did say it, if she believes it and find out why she feels his way.

Her dad was a bit crap - I am sure she feels a bit sore about that. Maybe she was feeling a bit down and exaggerated for sympathy. Maybe she didn’t see her childhood the way you did. Maybe your friend exaggerated.

We can’t tell you, only your daughter.

And it is unlikely she is ‘crazy’.

StillMe1 · 29/12/2018 16:39

I am in agreement with OP. My DC father disappeared after creating havoc in our lives. I made sure DC had a decent house and good educational chances. Paid for clubs etc. Meanwhile, I am the baddie of DC story.
There was an allegation of abuse. I said we will go and report to Police and Social Services. Didn't want that done.
Was involved in violence but refused to walk away not even when violence extended round the elder persons of our family. Could not see anything wrong with partner.
Been violent in public to me as parent who provided to such an extent that Police intervened without being called.
There was even a denial of something which happened long before DC born. I don't know why that is not clear enough. LIfe existed before DC.
I know that alcohol is involved. Drugs could also be involved. I know that DC has a few people around that are manipulative.
I can't go on trying to talk sense. I am tired of knocking my head off the wall.
I don't know what to do either. We can't change other people but we can change how we deal with it.
I think it is fairly abusive to turn on the parent who was actually there and provided. (The father dodged child maintenance)

HighwayDragon1 · 29/12/2018 16:39

My dad left when I was three. My step-dad and mum have been the best parents anyone could ask for, but it has left me with serious issues, attachment and depression, lack of self confidence and a desperate need for validation. From the outside world I've had a perfect life.

pinkdelight · 29/12/2018 16:40

"Yes, perception is everything but really, most people nowadays have divorced parents, and maybe don’t get along with one"

Perception is indeed everything - I perceive that most people don't have divorced parents and not get along with one. Statistically around half of marriages end in divorce but not all those will have DC and some will be amicable. Not saying it's uncommon but 'most' is purely your perception. And my perception is that it can still be deeply traumatic for a teenager to have their dad cheat and leave. Even if the OP was mother of the year ever since, that doesn't mean the DD can't still be upset.

trooth · 29/12/2018 16:40

Another one for perception is everything.

My dad left when I was 8, leaving near nothing for mum. She worked shifts - a combination of days/nights to keep a roof over our head. In some ways we ended up raising ourselves while she worked her ass off. At the time we seemed fine. Looking back I can see lots of things that have affected us more than we could have known. My mum has no idea. Many of us have had counselling to deal with things and are still dealing with problems now. A few other things happened to us but this is really just to illustrate that you don't necessarily know how it affected her and what is going on in her mind. She could be struggling and it may have affected her mental health. Just have a conversation with her, she's your daughter. She might just need some emotional support.

skybluee · 29/12/2018 16:41

why on earth did this person not say she knows you
this amount of deception is honestly worrying and odd.

poppiesallykatie · 29/12/2018 16:42

Somebody who was her world, dropped her like a hot potato. A whole lifetime can go by without being able to come to terms with that. You have done your best and tried to be everything; it is not a reflection on you. Don't take it personally, but she is far from crazy to have those unresolved feelings. Talk to her.