AIBU Too Feel Betrayed and Totally Gutted by my Daughter's Attention Seeking Behaviour???

[CaroBB]

I'm hoping you guys can give me some advice.
I've an DD in her early 20's. I've put her through Uni and she Graduated this year.
She's now back home and works a 30 hour week in hospitality.
The thing is, She's always trying to make her life sound dreadful to others. Her DF and I split up 10 years ago after he had an affair and he did let her down frankly. He's not been a consistent DF, more wanting to be her friend. I've stuck by her solidly, always been there for her. I've provided a normal home, worked damn hard night and day and I don't think I could have done much more to help her through the hard times.
I've recently had a friend mention she's done some shifts with DD at work. She had to put up with lots of tears and lots of ' my life has been awful ' from DD. Thing is, my DD doesn't know I'm pals with her new shoulder to cry on and to be honest, I was stunned with what she had been saying.
Yes her dad left, but her life has been great apart from that bit.
I'm getting more angry that she's going to other people lying about her past, My own Mum has found out and is furious on my behalf and says DD is an attention seeker and she should be ashamed of the negative way she is portraying me.
This is the 5th or 6th time I've herd about her bending the truth about her past to others. I'm Guaranteeing that she's not telling the truth btw....Ive not missed any TERRIBLE Incidents egg, She's had a normal life! No major Trauma etc....
Can she be a bit crazy? How have you guys felt with Attention Seekers?
No nasty comments, just nice advice please guys..... Many Thanks. I'm at a Loss Here!

I think early 20s is a key time for women to suffer depression, so she might be viewing the past through a fog?

You sound like you’ve done your absolute best in really challenging circumstances, OP. If it helps to give you some perspective my mum was similarly wonderful, always making up for my dad’s various lacking behaviours. Problem was, she did it so well, and so cheerfully, that I was largely unaware of all the behind the scenes work she put in.

It was only after I had my first baby at the age of 25 that I had the (forced) epiphany at just how much she had done for me over the previous decades and I subsequently spent the next few years making it up to her.

Sadly, she died of cancer before I even got close to making it even, but I love, miss and appreciate her every day.

Perhaps you’ve done such a good job she simply doesn’t realise how lucky she is?

I think it depends on what she is saying? I couldn't wish for better parents and had a lovely childhood but I still have significant mental health issues partly due to bullying and an abusive relationship. I have BPD and the things I get upset about can be trivial to others.

unless she has specifically said it's your fault she's upset or has told lies, please don't be too hard on her, perhaps bring it up with her? she might appreciate the fact you care enough to want to talk to her

She sounds depressed.

Yes I'd find this very disappointing but as a parent you have to try and help her get through it.

Stop listening to the stories though, no good comes of it.

also, i was assaulted as a child and didnt tell my mum
how are you guaranteeing there have "been no terrible incidents" etc.

Thing is, even if the daughter is upset about stuff, surely she would talk to a close friend and then occasionally when stuff comes up - not a co=worker she hardly knows.

If it's that bad, she can go for counselling and help herself. Sounds attention seeking to me.

What other occasions have you heard of her doing this OP?

My DM doesn't understand why I claim to have had a difficult childhood either. It's the main reason we don't really talk these days

This. My Mum thinks she's a saint when she was pretty awful to me. We barely have a relationship. OP from your tone you don't seem like the kind of person she'd have been able to confide in anyway.

Thing is, even if the daughter is upset about stuff, surely she would talk to a close friend and then occasionally when stuff comes up - not a co=worker she hardly knows

Maybe she sees her coworker as a friend? Maybe she's lost touch with her old friends since coming back from Uni?

As to what to do, tell your 'friend' you don't appreciate the two facedness, try to forget what you heard, and carry on with your daughter as usual.

In what way has the friend been two faced?

In your shoes op, I'd tell your daughter that I was aware that she is crying over these issues at work ( but not tell her how i know) and explore her feelings about it. I'd advise her to seek out some counselling if she has genuinely unresolved feelings.

Oops- in my last post I meant to highlight the first paragraph, not delete them!

You seem rather unperceptive OP. Why the hell so you think she's 'crazy'?

This is long OP - but stick with it :)

My DH was a useless bastard as a husband and a useless bastard as a father to his daughters - so i left him after 12 years of marriage and the daughters have had/are having a lovely life with me ever since. He continued to be a useless bastard and contacted them only once a year to whinge about seeing them at xmas. I never bad mouthed him. Letting them ''come to their own conclusions in their own time'', not really sure if they ever even would.

10 years after the split and with the DDs all now in their early 20s, this year they have gone through a bit of an epiphany. Why now? i don't know. But we've had tears and heart to hearts about their shit dad. With each other, with me and between themselves. They're happy and settled (have a lovely step dad for the last 9 years who loves them and whom they love and go to for all their 'dad' needs). They have wanted for nothing and have no issue with my parenting but are suddenly feeling shit about their dad.

Give your DD the time and space to feel how she needs to feel.

also, i was assaulted as a child and didnt tell my mum
how are you guaranteeing there have "been no terrible incidents" etc.

This is what I was inferring earlier, i'm sure most of us have secrets we've kept from our parents when growing up. Most won't be as big as assault or rape, but things like stealing, being bullied, pressured to go too far in relationships, cheating at school etc. You have no idea about what she may have been through, and the effect it may have had on her.

Sure the ‘but we took you to stately homes’ threads are all the proof anyone needs that children and parents’ perspectives can be divergent to say the least, and that there is more to meeting a child’s needs than providing food and shelter?

You do not specify what your dd says about her life - the best thing would be to talk to her because frankly she needs to know the truth about her workplace confidante. Do not approach this conversation in an accusatory way btw, it will not lead to her taking you into her confidence as you wish. At the same time you are allowed your feelings, and no doubt you’ve made sacrifices and kept it together in ways she knows nothing about. But she won’t be open to hearing about these if you go in all guns blazing calling her a liar and ungrateful and all the rest of it.

I think its time you sat down over a coffee and actually talked OP as woman to woman...and your daughter is a grown woman too...go for the non confrontational approach and try to find out whats happening in her life.She sounds to e like she is growing up and finding her way in the world but is maybe unsure,Maybe thats why she clings on to the past as she is unsure about the future? We all think 20 somethings are all grown up some are some are parents some are building careers some are buying houses and some arent.Some just need more time.Show more interest in her goals plans hobbies and see if through talking you can bring up the past in a roundabout way maybe something like I am so proud of you ,,you are a lovely young woman..we have come along way you and I after dad left havent we? I am proud of how much you and i have achieved together...see if this gives you an opening and her to talk with no pressure...worth a try maybe? then if you can slip in somewhere about how things can often get back from gossips and to maybe be aware of how things said can affect others you might get your point across peacefully without anyone loosing face and at 20 thats an important thing to consider ...good luck!

What exactly has your daughter been saying?
Without that info, who knows?
We’re you told?
Or are you feeling dismissive of what she’s said? If yes, this might speak volumes.

You seem angry rather than , say, concerned

My eldest daughter seems like an attention seeking drama llama to most people. There is always strife or grief in her life despite my other kids being all very typically well rounded.

BUT.

My daughter has been diagnosed with Border Line Personality Disorder. Apparently it was triggered by her dad leaving us at age 3 ( she worshipped him) after being sent to prison for extreme violence. It took me a long time to recover and she has issues surrounding that Our life was very typical after he left though, I got remarried to a wonderful man that she also dotes on, I studied, they did well at school. All very normal. But age 11 she changed overnight. She was sulky, stole, told massive whoppers and almost cost me my freedom as she told school I was being extremely physically abusive and the GP I needed sectioning ( I am bipolar). Turns out she was abused on a sleepover and combined with her trauma from losing her dad it triggered serious BPD issues. She is working hard to correct her negative behaviour but its hard for her at age 22 . She pushes people away constantly and is very very difficult to be around. I am ALWAYS the person she lies about, apparently it is about seeing how far she can push me.

The point is, you have NO idea what her life has been like when you were not there. She could be hiding any sort of secrets from you. Maybe she felt you were never there, maybe the trauma from losing her dad is still untreated and crippling her emotionally.

Dont judge.

You can't accuse someone of lying just because their perspective differs from yours.
Most people I know from broken homes seem to have some issues.
I think that loyalty to parents usually stops them from talking about it, but it could be eating away at them.
Just because it's become the norm doesn't mean that the kids aren't affected for life.
It's a shame parents don't think about this before commiting.

Even if it is ‘attention seeking’ (awful belittling phrase imho) then why is she seeking to process and validate herself in that way.

Dismissing her father disintegrating her family unit as an unimportant side note in her life is a pretty shitty thing to do. Experience makes these things relative - your broken leg doesn’t make my stubbed toe any the less painful.

There may or may not be more to her life but if something has hurt her it’s hurt her and she’s more than entitled to talk about. If she’s embellishing (really, actually, making stuff up not telling an account at odds with your own perspective) then that in itself is something that you need to find a way to support her with. Happy, well balanced people don’t do that.

HellsBellsAndBatteredBananas

What a great post, it really resonates from both sides (yours and your daughter's) Thank you for sharing.

Yes HellsBells’s post is very brave and honest, and imo if op were to take just one post away from this thread it should be that.

@StillMe1

Literally everything you have written about your DC suggests that they have chronically low self esteem and insecurity issues. I take responsibility for failing my daughter in not recognising that and correcting it when she was younger. She has betrayed me in every possible way and almost cost me my marriage on several occasions but i will always be there to help her in the same way that I will always be there for my ASD son. They are mine and did not ask to be born or to have the life that I created for them. I have done my best but obviously some people need more support for longer in their adulthood.

Please do not turn your back on somebody that you acknowledge is in a violent relationship. Step back if you need to , for your own mental health....but do not abandon them totally.

Perception is definitely everything.

My parents divorced, we were short of cash but well looked after. I’m sure my mum would say we had no trauma but I certainly haven’t told her half of the stuff that has affected me.
I have also recently found out, through a mutual friend, that DSIS is very “woe is me” about our parents divorce. She feels abandoned by our father whereas I don’t.

Maybe you need to gently sit her down and say that you have heard she is unhappy with things. Your friend really needs to say “ before you tell me anymore I do know your mum” before any further revelations damage your DM/DD relationship.

Most of the people I know whose parents split up were very profoundly affected by it and continued to be well into their adult life. My father literally never got over the breakup of his parents' marriage and the lying and cheating around the affair that caused it.

I don't believe that people should stay in unbearable relationships for the sake of their children and obviously if your partner leaves there is nothing you can do to stop them. But there is no point in pretending that the split doesn't cause substantial and lasting pain to the children involved. That needs to be managed kindly and patiently, not dismissed as not a big deal.

I think - and I mean this kindly- that you are taking this too personally because you feel it reflects on you as a parent. Her dad not being in her life and how she feels about that doesn’t mean you’re a bad mum or that she feels that you are. She’s just upset and venting. People will understand that. Early 20s is a funny old time, people often think they have the worst lives in the world / suffer the most depression / have the most stress. It’s actually really normal for people to feel that way at that time in their lives. As you get older you learn to have more perspective on things and see things from different sides.

Hi I think that you should sit her down and explain that you and her co-worker are friends. Tell her she is always welcome to come and talk to you, any time. But not to off load in work because its unprofessional, and affects other people. Suggest professional counselling.