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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Too Feel Betrayed and Totally Gutted by my Daughter's Attention Seeking Behaviour???

103 replies

CaroBB · 29/12/2018 16:15

I'm hoping you guys can give me some advice.
I've an DD in her early 20's. I've put her through Uni and she Graduated this year.
She's now back home and works a 30 hour week in hospitality.
The thing is, She's always trying to make her life sound dreadful to others. Her DF and I split up 10 years ago after he had an affair and he did let her down frankly. He's not been a consistent DF, more wanting to be her friend. I've stuck by her solidly, always been there for her. I've provided a normal home, worked damn hard night and day and I don't think I could have done much more to help her through the hard times.
I've recently had a friend mention she's done some shifts with DD at work. She had to put up with lots of tears and lots of ' my life has been awful ' from DD. Thing is, my DD doesn't know I'm pals with her new shoulder to cry on and to be honest, I was stunned with what she had been saying.
Yes her dad left, but her life has been great apart from that bit.
I'm getting more angry that she's going to other people lying about her past, My own Mum has found out and is furious on my behalf and says DD is an attention seeker and she should be ashamed of the negative way she is portraying me.
This is the 5th or 6th time I've herd about her bending the truth about her past to others. I'm Guaranteeing that she's not telling the truth btw....Ive not missed any TERRIBLE Incidents egg, She's had a normal life! No major Trauma etc....
Can she be a bit crazy? How have you guys felt with Attention Seekers?
No nasty comments, just nice advice please guys..... Many Thanks. I'm at a Loss Here!

OP posts:
Cloglover · 29/12/2018 19:06

Tbh you don't come across very well. Clearly your daughter is not happy. Why don't you focus on that rather than how you feel it reflects badly on you? You don't sound like you have a huge amount of compassion :-( I may be interpreting your post badly but that's how you come across.

NameChanged241218 · 29/12/2018 19:07

Flowers, Arrow. That all sounds very familiar, although in my case both parents cheated and they stayed together another decade. I didn't have the worst childhood by a long shot, but, by the time I was 15, I knew what my mother's lover shouted when he came, because she'd told me this and more. I also used to have nightmares about what my father would do if he found my mother's extra-marital love letters where she'd hidden them under my mattress. My crippling childhood anxiety and OCD was also ignored because addressing my problems would "make things harder" for my parents. My mother considers that I had a perfect childhood because I had a SAHM until I left home, my parents were married and we had money. I think she's still angry with me because I can't validate that view of my childhood, although I accept that my parents were just human and mostly doing their best.

whitewalker · 29/12/2018 19:13

OP, you were looking for some advice. Your daughter sounds unhappy and seems to need to talk about it. Suggest counselling to her. When a parent takes a step back from parenting, as you have suggested your ex has, this is confusing for a child, and very often remains that way even when an adult. From your post, she hasn't suggested that you were inadequate in any way so please take a step back, the same for your own mother, this is about your daughter and how she feels so support her to get a safe place to talk this through with a professional. This will be much more productive and may, in fact, bring you closer together - tearing apart from she is saying and doing, will only come across as a critical voice and that may create distance between you and her at a time when she really needs you.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 29/12/2018 19:16

I can completely identify with your post NameChanged

A few differences in the detail, but overall I can see many similarities in my childhood experience and yours. When you have a parent who wants to use you as a counsellor and tell you how hard it is for them, the last thing you feel you can do it appear needy or troublesome yourself. Eventually when you've kept a lid on things for a lifetime so as not to be a bother, the pressure cooker erupts and the fallout isn't always pleasant.

RebelWitchFace · 29/12/2018 19:19

What kind of things is she saying?
It makes a massive difference if she says things that never happened or things that she has a different perception of.

My mum think she was an awesome mum and I had a great childhood full of opportunities,roof over my head,food in my belly. And ofc all the money she spent on me. And how everything she did was out of love. She truly believes that to be the truth. My side is abuse in various forms,neglect,never being good enough and having absolutely no control or say in anything important (schools,uni etc)
She'll say I was an awful,pain in the butt ,rebellious teen. I probably was. I say she was a woman with many many issues that had no idea what to do with a daughter that wasn't what she wanted her to be.

DistanceCall · 29/12/2018 19:25

Her father abandoned her.

That hurts for the rest of your life, and can seriously mess you up. It's not just "a bit" you get over with just like that.

You and your mother seem to think that her talking about how unhappy she is reflects badly on you. I wonder why.

QueenieIsLost · 29/12/2018 19:25

It all depends of where the inaccuracies doesn’t it?

If the dd relates a very different experience of what has happened, it’s one thing.
If she says let’s say that she was beaten up or there wasn’t enough food in the house/clothes were never washed etc... and this is not what happened, then it’s very different.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 29/12/2018 19:27

Yes I'd also be interested to hear what she's been saying and why you take issue with it.

twattymctwatterson · 29/12/2018 19:30

Are you going to come back and clarify what she's actually been saying op?

hazell42 · 29/12/2018 19:31

My daughter once told a school social worker that she had been suffering from PTSD ever since her best friend had died in her arms. All crap. She did have the grace to blush when I called her on it.
It is a mark of immaturity that she wants to get sympathy for imagined woes. Try not to take it personally. I doubt very much she means any of it. But do let her know that you are aware and that you dont appreciate it. She'll soon stop. And she will grow it of it.

User12879923378 · 29/12/2018 19:34

@Coyoacan I'm sorry if I have offended you in some way. I didn't say everyone felt the same. I think most people would conduct a conversation with a friend or family member about their parents' divorce on the basis that they were more likely to have found it a difficult and sad experience than to have been glad about it, which is why I (like everyone else on this thread I think?) is surprised that the OP doesn't think her daughter has any reason to feel any sort of sadness or depression.

lalalalyra · 29/12/2018 19:39

I wouldn't be taking as gospel the word of someone who is shit stirring enough to get to know a colleague then report back their words to their mother without letting onto said colleague that they know her mother.

That's a horrible deceit and they could easily be relying on you not saying anything to embellish anything said for all you know.

lalalalyra · 29/12/2018 19:41

Also perceptions can be very different. I'm one of four siblings. All four of us, and my late grandparents, have quite different perceptions of the circumstances in which we lived when we were removed from our parents. Especially with regard to how easy or hard older or younger siblings had it.

LilQueenie · 29/12/2018 19:42

perhaps there is stuff she cannot share with you that you are unaware of.

Lweji · 29/12/2018 19:47

You definitely need to talk to her and try to listen to her.

From your OP it doesn't seem like you're very open to listen to her problems, actually. More how it reflects on you.
Or maybe she didn't want to upset you with her own problems and kept you from them.

Your friend may be a good friend to you, but she's not your daughter's, it seems. I'd feel betrayed, if I was your daughter. And not sure I'd trust my friend, actually.

dorisdog · 29/12/2018 20:12

The friend (and you) need to come clean about the fact that you are talking to each other about this. You're both being deceptive and underhand. You need to be having conversations with your DD, not other people. Are you calling your DD 'crazy?' That doesn't sound nice at all.

I echo others - I'm sure you've been a great parent, but your 'truth' isn't necessarily her 'truth.' My parents aren't aware of a couple of very traumatic things that happened to me. Maybe you don't know everything.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 29/12/2018 20:17

Also how did your mother 'find out' about it and get involved? Did you tell her?

Touchmybum · 29/12/2018 20:20

That 'friend' isn't to be trusted.

Your DD has issues for whatever reason. She is unhappy. Maybe she hates that job after her years at uni. Maybe she was unhappy in uni too, or had some negative experiences?

You don't seem to know your daughter very well or have much of a relationship with her? She's not going to come home from uni filled with gratitude, because kids have no idea what we've done for them until they have children themselves. I have 2 daughters in uni and I will never tell them that I "put them through uni".

Why don't you just talk to her? Start by saying she doesn't seem very happy? Do you listen to her?

GoddamnCars · 29/12/2018 20:41

Lots of different perspectives here. I feel like you could use this information to try to understand your daughter's perspective and try to find an understanding that would help both of

you. Hope you both get a better understanding from this. I'd try to see this as a learning experience
(have been through this from a parent perspective but would like to understand my kids' viewpoints too).

MustShowDH · 29/12/2018 20:49

Don't think the OP will come back.

This probably isn't the 'poor you' response she was expecting.
Some very insightful posts though.

Biggerknickersagain · 29/12/2018 20:54

It sounds to me like you've just decided that your DD has had a great life and should be grateful for that regardless of how she feels about what happened with her dad and the subsequent fall out. Yes, you dug deep and provided practically but did you stop to realise the deep effect it was having on her emotionally. You seem to be more focused on having provided a home and education than the effect one parent just stepping out has on a teen.
Your OP sounds like you don't value her feelings at all and put your own first, you're not concerned as to why your daughter feels this way, only that you're angry she does and it's all lies. As others have said your perception of what happened and hers will be poles apart anyway and here you're basically saying that she's wrong to feel the way she does, if you've come across like that when she was growing up then she'll have felt totally devalued and now is looking for someone to just listen. The fact that the person she's found to listen is running back to you and you and your DM are furious with her will just devalue her further and make trusting anyone impossible. Forget your own feelings for a while and try and put yourself in her shoes and actually listen to her. It will make a world of difference.

Coyoacan · 29/12/2018 20:56

@User12879923378

I'm not in the least bit offended, @User12879923378, and speaking about your experience is valid.

Yabbers · 29/12/2018 22:55

Your daughter is upset and hurt about her childhood and is confiding in someone who has gone behind her back.

Your response is to call her an attention seeker, tell your mum about it and worry how it reflects on you? Not talking to her to find it why she is unhappy. Happy people don't seek attention and I doubt it's a new thing in her life.

I'm not sure your version of a great childhood will match hers.

youaremyrain · 29/12/2018 23:05

@CaroBB your OP and your thread title are all about you. Not one tiny ounce of wanting to understand your daughters perspective. Your daughter sounds traumatised and instead of doing some soul searching and trying to empathise with her it's all about you feeling "betrayed" and her being "attention seeking"

One thing to bear in mind; calling someone "attention seeking" is very blame focussed and negative language, many psychologists prefer to see it as "attention needing"

Ok you worked hard and provided for her but did you meet her emotional needs? Did you empathise? Were you there for her?

kateandme · 30/12/2018 04:12

plus you may have indeed given her the best childhood.but trust me some parents do everything are everything to their children.and seemingly the person would have the best life.then something happens.you might see it you might not.but if you did you might not know how it effected them and if you didn't you equally so.but to that person it knocks them so hard and they spiral.and get severe problems.it is not then your right as a "good parent" to blame them.being a good parent then means you scoop them up and see how to help them in anyway possible.
people can have the world and still fall off it.depending on whos there to catch them will be how they get back up.
shes suffering. she needs help.no blame.not more adults breaking her trust.its love.its always bloody love.not this.