AIBU Too Feel Betrayed and Totally Gutted by my Daughter's Attention Seeking Behaviour???

[CaroBB]

I'm hoping you guys can give me some advice.
I've an DD in her early 20's. I've put her through Uni and she Graduated this year.
She's now back home and works a 30 hour week in hospitality.
The thing is, She's always trying to make her life sound dreadful to others. Her DF and I split up 10 years ago after he had an affair and he did let her down frankly. He's not been a consistent DF, more wanting to be her friend. I've stuck by her solidly, always been there for her. I've provided a normal home, worked damn hard night and day and I don't think I could have done much more to help her through the hard times.
I've recently had a friend mention she's done some shifts with DD at work. She had to put up with lots of tears and lots of ' my life has been awful ' from DD. Thing is, my DD doesn't know I'm pals with her new shoulder to cry on and to be honest, I was stunned with what she had been saying.
Yes her dad left, but her life has been great apart from that bit.
I'm getting more angry that she's going to other people lying about her past, My own Mum has found out and is furious on my behalf and says DD is an attention seeker and she should be ashamed of the negative way she is portraying me.
This is the 5th or 6th time I've herd about her bending the truth about her past to others. I'm Guaranteeing that she's not telling the truth btw....Ive not missed any TERRIBLE Incidents egg, She's had a normal life! No major Trauma etc....
Can she be a bit crazy? How have you guys felt with Attention Seekers?
No nasty comments, just nice advice please guys..... Many Thanks. I'm at a Loss Here!

My DM doesn't understand why I claim to have had a difficult childhood either. It's the main reason we don't really talk these days

Me too.

In fact her refusal to acknowledge the existence of any bad shit in my childhood traumatised me as much as the abuse did.

I agree perception is everything. You were the responsible adult and had one view of her life, she was living that life and experienced it differently. It may seem ungrateful that she doesn’t appreciate what you did for her and you are entitled to be hurt by that but that doesn't change her experience.

A few things stand out from your post for me - you say you ‘put her through uni’ - does that mean you gave her money in addition to her student loans? That isn’t ‘putting her through uni’ IMO, it’s helping her out financially while she does the very real work of a degree. Do you appreciate how hard she has worked?

You say her dad let her down and left her ‘but her life has been great apart from that’. That’s like saying ‘sure she lost her right arm and leg, but the left arm and leg still work really well’. It seems to be massively underestimating the impact her dad’s behaviour has had on her.

And you ask what to do with an attention seeker - as a psychotherapist my attitude is that if someone is seeking attention it’s because they need attention and you should give them as much as you can. Hopefully, with love and support they will start to feel more self sufficient and the need for extra attention will pass.

It sounds like she is still a little too immature to fully appreciate all the sacrifices you have made for her and the love you have given her.

Your perception isn't her perception.

As I always used to say to my mum - children are largely the product of their upbringing. If you don't like how your DD has turned out, if you don't like how she's acting or what she's saying, you are partly to blame as you raised her to be as she is. You should therefore take some responsibility.

As others have said, I get that you feel your daughter has had no major trauma, but there will be loads you don't know. My mum thinks she knows everything about me. In reality, she knows v v little. I've been through all sorts she knows nothing about! Furthermore, a parent and a child's perception of parental break-up is usually different, and your daughter is entitled to feel what she wants.

Lastly - it's her life and her job and her work colleagues. You shouldn't really be privy to this info. There is loads i'd not say to various people if I thought it would get back to my mother (shudder at the thought!!!) - I'd ask your friend to stop breaking your daughter's confidence and stop telling you things you shouldn't be hearing! I bet there are things you've said to friends or colleagues that you wouldnt want your daughter to hear

You have my total sympathy OP.

My youngest son has completely rewritten history and I know how hurtful and, frankly, gutting it is.

There is no reasoning with him, I think he has told the lies so often he actually believes them himself. Been n.c. for about 5 years and it hurts like hell.

There is nothing at all you can do unless you feel you can have a rational and unemotional conversation with her. Far from easy and although she might say the things you want to hear I doubt she will change her behaviour away from you. It is now a habit and she has got the attention she craves from outsiders. I had 'The Conversation' and got nowhere but I wasn't able to control my emotions which was a massive mistake.

In what way has the friend been two faced?

Listening to the daughter without letting her know she knows the mum (which surely a normal person would have mentioned as soon as they realised) then running to the mother to repeat on what's been said.

My parents gave me and my siblings plenty of experiences, different environments and meeting a wide variety of people from different cultures. They were fairly liberal (in some ways) and we were given a lot of freedom and independence from a young age. They think we had a wonderful childhood and many opportunities.

Or alternatively :- we grew up without any stability, constantly moving and exposed to any Tom, Dick or Harry with little to no monitoring of our adventures.

Yeah this could be the daughter actually suffering from her past.

Or maybe she is just attention seeking. Seems weird to cry and moan to someone you don't know well about your past trauma. And she wouldn't have known the colleague well at first, probably still doesn't if she just keeps talking about herself.

Or the colleague could be just stirring shit.

OP you know your daughter best and should talk to her. No one here knows, it's all guesswork. Personally, it sounds like attention seeking to me. See it a lot from other people and it's the same scenario, barely know a colleague yet suddenly get their whole woe is me life story.

Sounds like your daughter will use the excuse of her dad leaving to play the victim card for the rest of her life.

Has your DD gone to therapy to talk through how she feels? Her view might be different to yours but it's still valid.

she had a dad for 20 years.a wall.a safety net.setting her parameters and rules and how to feel love and live life.he had an affair and then didn't want to be the dad but a friend figure?this would fuk you up.did you know how this impacted her fully?from how she then coped in uni.with friends.with men?
im not saying you didn't do you best.but parents splitting can be the wort time of a persons life at many ages.especially if its an affair and then you lose that parent.
and bloody hell this isn't going to help her with trust or feeling good if someone she has confided in is sharing it with her mum.behind her back

This is the 5th or 6th time I've herd about her bending the truth about her past to others.

She's bending your truth. But not hers. It's important to understand the difference.

My mother raised us single handedly after our father left and she would say the same about my siblings and me. But her perception of 'the truth' and 'how thing were' when we were growing up is very different to ours.

There is no doubt she had a tough time and did extremely well to hold things together in some ways, but it can't be denied that she really screwed up in others.

She has an incredibly selective memory and a habit of rewriting history and filtering out the bits that might make her look bad. She is always completely indignant and bewildered to find that our memories of our home life are not quite as rose-tinted as hers.

To be fair her dad leaving and not bring great to her from that point on is a pretty big deal. Some people will be more affected by it than others but it's not outrageous if she does have lingering issues over it.

Why on earth did the mutual friend provide a shoulder to cry on for your DD then go running back to her mum about? Sounds like she's stirring up trouble maybe she embellished more.

I don't see why your mum has to also be involved and furious with DD? Sounds a bit like you're both more concerned with appearances than your DD. There's a lot hostility.

Both the friend and you are being really, really shit to let her carry on believing she's saying all this stuff in confidence. It's like finding out someone you know is on here then keeping tabs on what they're posting or reading someone's diary.
Your DD's feelings are valid. Your experience isn't the same as hers. Horrid.

@HellsBellsandBatteredBananas
Thank you for your response.
I think it is entirely possible that my DC is lacking self-esteem. A person in their professional capacity has said that DC is in Social Decay. However DC causes people to be upset by their conduct both in the family and at work. She acts very differently from how she was raised.
There has been a change of partner and while I do not think there is any actual physical violence I believe there is manipulation, which I was expected to accept as it extended to me.
The father, my exh, is on the scene now and re-writing history. DC has seen some proof of the past and recalled some of it. DC is now believing every word exh says. This is DC choice.
It has been said that the violence towards me is the frustration for the helplessness DC feels. DC is big and powerful which I am not. Things have been seen by official persons so there can be no cover-up by me.
I am in physical danger as well as emotional danger. I have listened to so much of how bad, useless, ugly, no-one likes you (me), everyone thinks you are short-to-the-shilling and I have been ridiculed for my health condition.

I have endured all this for years and it ramped up when all my male relatives died but now I can't cope anymore. In recent times I have kept myself at a distance, my symptoms have improved as has my confidence. I can never be cured.
I don't think anyone should do that to another human being and definitely not the parent who stayed and saw parenting through to adulthood. Worse than me being involved in such situations is that there are children in that household.

Early 20's isnt quite a grown up either

Yes it is.

My own Mum has found out and is furious on my behalf and says DD is an attention seeker and she should be ashamed of the negative way she is portraying me.

You have just told the whole internet that you think your daughter is an attention seeker. How would she feel if she knew that, do you think?

Ten-years-old can be a particularly hard age to have your parents split up and children often misunderstand. Sometimes they believe it is their mother's fault or sometimes they think they have to always be on their best behaviour to avoid giving their mother any further problems.

However there is very limited information here to know what is at the root of the daughter's conduct.

Most of the people I know whose parents split up were very profoundly affected by it and continued to be well into their adult life

How sad. I was saved by my parents' splitting up and have never ever regretted it. And I have seen a lot of people like me post on mumsnet.

Enid Blyton had two daughters, both wrote accounts of growing up with her. One said it was sunshine and roses, wonderful mother, the other said the opposite. Neither was lying, they had different experienc es. So you probably can't speak for your daughter although you did do everything you could. Try to not take it as a personal insult, I'm sure that's not her intention.

My dad cheated, my mum was (and i believe still is) messed up by it. At 13 i heard more than i ever needed to and had more put on my shoulders than i should have. It really was so hard and does still affect me now. I can remember horrible episodes and feelings from that time. My mother though doesnt have the same memories and when i remind her of them she either doesnt remember of the emotion of the event is recollected different than mine.

So I'd suggest telling your dd that your friend told her dd was still upset by the seperation & ask if she wants to talk about it. Without judgement from you.

same here Arrow

What do mean by 'I've put her through Uni?'

The co-worker is betraying her confidence and so are you by listening to it. And how did your mother find out? Another breach of confidence?

The whole thing is horrible, like reading a diary.

She sounds really unhappy. Can you chat to her about things and help her feel held emotionally