SIL and DS watching TV

[AmandaBuffamonteezi]

So I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable so completely ready to be told so! It also might be long because I don't want to drip feed!

DS is 3. He has never really been a sit still and watch TV kind of child and DH and I don't really watch a lot of tv while DS is awake. Sometimes I'd love him to sit and watch a film or half an hour but he just likes to be up and active. It's not a stealth boast or anything but I'm quite glad he doesn't spend hours looking at a tv/phone/iPad not that I think there's anything wrong with children having screen time at all. He has in the past watched maybe half of a film in one sitting and has seen all the Julia Donaldson films but things like ceebeebies he won't watch for more than 5/10 minutes.

SIL knows this. She has been there when we've had tv on and we have said how he doesn't like to sit and watch. She has asked if we can watch a film at PILs and tried to make DS sit only to have him not interested in sitting and watching and to have us both say that he just doesn't want to and we're quite happy for him to not be bothered by TV. I suggested watching the gruffalo because it's shorter and he loves the book only to have him get up and bring me the book to read to him instead.

Last Christmas she sent DH a photo of a portable dvd thing and asked if DS would like it as a present. DH said that it was a good present but he probably wouldn't like it or use it and he didn't want her wasting money on it so to just get him some books or paints which would be cheaper and he'd definitely use. She replied saying that his idea was better but then for Christmas she still got him the DVD player and a load of dvds to watch on it. DH didn't say anything but just thanked her for it.

We used the DVD player once and he wasn't interested. We have asked him if he wants to watch films or programmes and he just doesn't want to. I ended up using it to play music which he much preferred so he could dance around.

SIL came to Pils and ended up looking after DS for a couple of hours when they had to take their dog to the vet and DH and I were at work. DS said later on he didn't play with SIL and she made him sit and watch the tv. He said he felt sad and wanted to play with his toys but she wouldn't let him and told him he had to stay on the couch. DH asked SIL about it and said that we've told her in the past DS doesn't enjoy watching tv to which SIL said "Well I'm going to change that." When asked what she meant SIL said "I think it's weird that he doesn't want to watch films, all the babies I know watch tv and it doesn't hurt them." I told her that we're not against him watching it but it's him who doesn't want to do it and we're not going to force him.

I should add that There are no SEND issues and we're not concerned about his attention because he will spend ages at activities he chooses whether that be reading stories, role play, drawing. He just doesn't like watching tv. DH and I aren't the type of people who go on about this either. If someone asks about screentime we say things like "He's not really in to watching things" or "He prefers to be up and about" or even "I wish he'd just watch an episode of peppa pig so that I can do the dishes!" We don't make a fuss if he doesn't watch something or on the rare occasion he will watch something. We watch tv when he's in bed and DH will watch Netflix/prime on his way to or from work as he has a longer commute.

So this year SIL has bought him a full sized tv for his bedroom and a load of dvds to watch on it. She handed the box to him to open and smiled at me and DH saying "Inknow you've said he doesn't like tv but I think we should let him decide don't you?" I thanked her for the present and DS did too but this morning he asked if he had to watch tv and I said no to which he said "I don't want SIL to come to our house because she will make me watch the telly."

I feel like she's done this to make a point, although I'm not sure what it is. I'm sure in a few years he will want to put a film on but I don't really want a tv in his room. I didn't have one when I was younger until I was about 13 and think that 3 is too young for a tv in the room. Not that he'd watch it anyway!

Sorry for rambling! I just don't know what we should do. Should we return the tv to SIL or keep it in storage until he's older or even store it but speak to SIL about her weird obsession with making DS watch tv? Or am I just over reacting?

She's obviously got a bee in her bonnet over it and thinks you're discouraging DS from watching TV. It's very rude of her to buy a TV for his room knowing that either he doesn't like it or you don't want to encourage it. Most parents of 3 year old wouldn't want them having a TV for their room so she should certainly have asked first.

Unless she babysits all the time 8 doubt it'll be a major issue. In a few years he probably will like tv ( for better or worse) so it will become less of an issue.

I agree with all other posters.

What a self riotous, lazy, passive aggressive bitch.

I'd never let her see my kid again, because clearly she can't be trusted.

No way is my nearly 8 YO having a TV in her room. Far too young. What a strange SIL you have. I think you should tell her what DS has said and point out how odd she is being. Someone who would push a child that much to do something they don't want to do is not really suitable to be babysitting. She is being such a dick.

She is being really weird to insist that he should be changed.

Also I think that even if he loved tv, a tv in a child’s room (especially a 3 year old) is a decision for the parents, not an aunt. I think a lot of parents might have been annoyed about that present alone, regardless of the rest of the situation.

and there is another thread running about how normal it is to have a tv in a child’s bedroom and how unreasonable the father was to object...

That's a little bit disingenuous - the other thread is about a tV for a sick child who is confined to bed for long periods to receive meds, and the father (rather like the OP's SIL on this thread) is an absent parent trying to make a point and be awkward.

But sorry - that's a bit of a diversion as this is a totally different scenario.

I'd be furious. Take tv to her house and leave on doorstep. Teach her the word Boundary. CF.

Sounds like a weirdo. I would keep the portable in case of long journeys etc but ask her if she wants the big one back or give it away. Hopefully that will put her off wasting her money in future.

@Aridane What KurriKurri said - that poster's circumstances are very very different (and quite a few posters in that thread said they weren't big fans of TVs in bedrooms for small children in general but thought it was reasonable under the circumstances).

I do think she is being strange, but I think it is quite possible to downplay the disagreement if you want. Just say cheerfully, "Thanks for being so generous! He really doesn't like TV just yet, so it would be wasted here. Would you like it back so you can return it? If not then we will stick it in the loft for a few years and maybe he will be interested when he's older." or "If you really don't want it back then I could put it on Freegle? We don't have space for things which won't get used."

The only serious problem is that you won't be able to let her babysit anymore, as she upsets your son by forcing him to do something he doesn't like. And he may grow to dislike her if she won't drop the subject when you get together with her.

Sorry for the long delay in replying!

DH injured himself playing football yesterday so I had to take him to a&e. I had to ask PiLs to come over to look after DS. When we got home late last night I saw that FIL had gone ahead and put the tv up on the wall.

I was too tired to do anything last night so DH has taken it down this morning (leaving holes in the new wallpaper in DS's room ) he then called his mum to thank them for coming over last night again but said he'd taken down the tv. MIL didn't react well but DH said that DS is too young to have a tv in his room and they shouldn't have put it up without asking. Also that he was planning to speak to SIL about returning the tv because DS won't enjoy it and he finds her obsession with making DS watch tv weird.

Mil then cried saying that SIL was really excited about giving DS the present and how much she cares about him so DH told her that SIL's behaviour was starting to upset DS and said what DS has said to me.

DH asked mil to stay out of it and said that he would speak to SIL about it and sort it out trying not to upset anyone.

Half an hour later sil was here taking the tv back telling DH how rude he was being and how she only wants to be able to watch a film with her nephew. I asked her to leave and said that this whole thing has been completely blown out of proportion, she was over reacting and this situation wouldn't be happening if she was more respectful of our wishes.

So we've since had mil on the phone crying and sil on the phone again crying to DH. I've left him to it because I don't want to deal with the drama! So unnecessary!

It sounds like the tv was a joint decision between MIL and SIL.

Definitely some boundaries need to be put in place. Unbelievable that SIL thinks it is ok to make a decision like this against ds and your wishes. And PIL sound just as bad.

Absolutely ridiculous that she bought a tv for a 3 year olds room!! Totally unacceptable behaviour right there.

So glad for you that your dh is on side and dealing with it, I fear a lot of us on here would end up being the terrible dil and the husbands would go along with it to placate the mil and sil.

Sounds like Sil is trying to force your DS to be someone he isn't - ie a child who likes to sit down and watch film with her.
She needs to accept him for who he is - a little boy who isn't keen on TV - and embrace the things he does enjoy.
I rather worry with her making such massive drama. Crrying etc. your Ds will feel he has done something wrong or that there is something worn with his choices over what he enjoys. She's being ludicrous and potentially harmful.

Fil had put the tv up!!

Well done to dh for not giving in to please his parents/sil.

This isn't troll hunting but do people like your in laws actually exist? I can't imagine anyone who would behave like that, you're better off without them, life's too short for such bizarre behaviour.

They all sound unstable! Im genuinely shocked when I read these type of posts. How have these people survived up until now without someone drop kicking them?

@PattiStanger

You may have stated that you’re not troll hunting but it’s quite clear that you don’t believe the op’s story. Why bother to comment?

No, @stardustinmyeyes quite the opposite, I DO believe her, my incredulity is that anyone could act like the ILs

Hard to explain in writing maybe but I don't doubt that it happened.

You don't know me, I don't troll hunt.

As a primary school teacher we can always tell the children who have been sat in front of a screen from an early age. Your SIL does not want to play, draw or interact with your son in any way. Stick to your guns, let him develop his imagination and run around and be glad he does not want to stare at a TV. TV watching was a family cuddle up on the sofa in my house and mine didn't ever have TV's in their rooms. Don't be guilt tripped by two foolish women who want their own way, your DS is a treasure as he is.

So, are they going to pay for the wallpaper to be stripped, holes filled and new wallpaper to be put up? What on earth possessed them to think that they could make a decorating decision in someone else's house, nevermind the ridiculous television debacle.

Not only have they tried to enforce their child rearing preferences on you, they've mucked up a newly decorated wall which will cost you to repair it. This is so ridiculous it's hard to believe (not suggesting you're a troll, I'm just incredulous).

It's all a bit high strung really isn't it? Is she glued to the box herself normally OP? Although I bet she thinks you're "those" parents who don't allow children to watch tv. I don't get why she cares so much. It's the tele I'd be thrilled if mine turned their backs on it!

Oh jeez. My baby is too young to have a preference but I can assure you he will not be getting a TV in his room until he’s at least 15, even if he loves it! So I find it so bizarre this SIL is forcing an issue which is none of her business, and pretty inappropriate for such a little child!

My feeling is that she is jealous of the fact your son is naturally not into telly. Or maybe she thinks he really is, but you and your DH are pretending he isn’t to make you all look great?! I can only think it’s something like that.

Your PILs need to get back in their boxes too. It’s one of those issues that everyone might differ on but we should all defer to the parents. TVs in bedrooms, toy guns, dolls for boys... parents have to judge these things and relatives should just accept their choices (especially when they seem the right ones!!!! )

Give it back op! She’s just being passive aggressive by getting that tv. My sister does this very thing to my two year old - but with cake and ice cream instead of tv! It’s bloody weird. I’ve never “banned” these things at parties etc. but I just don’t buy it much or offer it up to DD and on the occasions she’s had some she’s just not liked either and will generally spit out cake. I was the same as a child (sadly I grew out of this )

Yet my sister is always making comments like “oooh when you visit I’m going to take you for ice cream /cake your mummy HAS to let you since it’s holidays/birthday/Xmas” blah blah blah... she doesn’t bloody like it!!! I don’t know why people feel hostile about these things - it’s strange.

Anyway sorry for derailing! She’s trying to undermine you, don’t let her.

Some massive boundary issues here with your family in law.

Firstly - a tv in a 3 year olds bedroom is ridiculous I can't believe SIL gave this as a gift without checking with you & DH first. She completely overstepped here.

But even more jaw dropping is that FIL took it upon himself to get the power tools out and drill holes into your walls and install said TV - without permission. So so rude and cheeky.

Having said that...You do appear to make a big deal if the fact that DS doesn't enjoy tv, and I think perhaps the impression they have is that you have withheld tv from him and he is missing out, and therefore felt it their duty to rescue him from a life of outdoor activities and arts and crafts.

My feeling is that she is jealous of the fact your son is naturally not into telly. Or maybe she thinks he really is, but you and your DH are pretending he isn’t to make you all look great?! I can only think it’s something like that.

Yes. This would be my guess too.