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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIL and DS watching TV

108 replies

AmandaBuffamonteezi · 29/12/2018 15:21

So I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable so completely ready to be told so! It also might be long because I don't want to drip feed!

DS is 3. He has never really been a sit still and watch TV kind of child and DH and I don't really watch a lot of tv while DS is awake. Sometimes I'd love him to sit and watch a film or half an hour but he just likes to be up and active. It's not a stealth boast or anything but I'm quite glad he doesn't spend hours looking at a tv/phone/iPad not that I think there's anything wrong with children having screen time at all. He has in the past watched maybe half of a film in one sitting and has seen all the Julia Donaldson films but things like ceebeebies he won't watch for more than 5/10 minutes.

SIL knows this. She has been there when we've had tv on and we have said how he doesn't like to sit and watch. She has asked if we can watch a film at PILs and tried to make DS sit only to have him not interested in sitting and watching and to have us both say that he just doesn't want to and we're quite happy for him to not be bothered by TV. I suggested watching the gruffalo because it's shorter and he loves the book only to have him get up and bring me the book to read to him instead.

Last Christmas she sent DH a photo of a portable dvd thing and asked if DS would like it as a present. DH said that it was a good present but he probably wouldn't like it or use it and he didn't want her wasting money on it so to just get him some books or paints which would be cheaper and he'd definitely use. She replied saying that his idea was better but then for Christmas she still got him the DVD player and a load of dvds to watch on it. DH didn't say anything but just thanked her for it.

We used the DVD player once and he wasn't interested. We have asked him if he wants to watch films or programmes and he just doesn't want to. I ended up using it to play music which he much preferred so he could dance around.

SIL came to Pils and ended up looking after DS for a couple of hours when they had to take their dog to the vet and DH and I were at work. DS said later on he didn't play with SIL and she made him sit and watch the tv. He said he felt sad and wanted to play with his toys but she wouldn't let him and told him he had to stay on the couch. DH asked SIL about it and said that we've told her in the past DS doesn't enjoy watching tv to which SIL said "Well I'm going to change that." When asked what she meant SIL said "I think it's weird that he doesn't want to watch films, all the babies I know watch tv and it doesn't hurt them." I told her that we're not against him watching it but it's him who doesn't want to do it and we're not going to force him.

I should add that There are no SEND issues and we're not concerned about his attention because he will spend ages at activities he chooses whether that be reading stories, role play, drawing. He just doesn't like watching tv. DH and I aren't the type of people who go on about this either. If someone asks about screentime we say things like "He's not really in to watching things" or "He prefers to be up and about" or even "I wish he'd just watch an episode of peppa pig so that I can do the dishes!" We don't make a fuss if he doesn't watch something or on the rare occasion he will watch something. We watch tv when he's in bed and DH will watch Netflix/prime on his way to or from work as he has a longer commute.

So this year SIL has bought him a full sized tv for his bedroom and a load of dvds to watch on it. She handed the box to him to open and smiled at me and DH saying "Inknow you've said he doesn't like tv but I think we should let him decide don't you?" I thanked her for the present and DS did too but this morning he asked if he had to watch tv and I said no to which he said "I don't want SIL to come to our house because she will make me watch the telly."

I feel like she's done this to make a point, although I'm not sure what it is. I'm sure in a few years he will want to put a film on but I don't really want a tv in his room. I didn't have one when I was younger until I was about 13 and think that 3 is too young for a tv in the room. Not that he'd watch it anyway!

Sorry for rambling! I just don't know what we should do. Should we return the tv to SIL or keep it in storage until he's older or even store it but speak to SIL about her weird obsession with making DS watch tv? Or am I just over reacting?

OP posts:

KlutzyDraconequus · 29/12/2018 15:59

Bollocks to her, sell it on Facebook and buy DS something he'd like.
If she asks, tell her you sold it. If she gets butt hurt, reminder you've repeatedly told her he doesn't watch TV.

DowntonCrabby · 29/12/2018 16:00

What a passive aggressive twat. It sounds like this is more about her own issues. Does she have DC? I’m guessing not as she seems clueless but it sounds like she’s covering a parenting anxiety of her own.

My DC love TV but anyone who tried to buy them a tv for their bedrooms aged 3 would have been told “no thank you, please return it” that’s bonkers!

I wouldn’t let her babysit again OP.

onalongsabbatical · 29/12/2018 16:03

You could even drive the message home by buying her something she has no interest in. She's vegan or veggie - buy her a meat cookery book. She's apolitical - buy her the latest six-volume political memoir. She hates a particular type of film - buy her a boxset.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 29/12/2018 16:05

She sounds strange. Why does she care so much?

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 29/12/2018 16:09

Very strange behavior!
I also have a child like this! 6 years old and has no interest in tv.
Loves watching movies in the cinema but has never sat and watched a movie at home. Can watch tv for ten mins and than gets fed up!
I would also love her to be able to sit with me and watch something!
Now the iPad is a different story but she's only allowed that on weekends and over the holidays

poundoflard · 29/12/2018 16:11

Buy him some paints and let him paint the TV :) :) that way the tv gets used and he uses it how he wants (kidding of course)

meercat23 · 29/12/2018 16:11

This

Why do people feel they have the right to impose their own ideas on other people's families?

Breakfastofmilk · 29/12/2018 16:14

It sounds like she thinks everyone enjoys TV and your DS only thinks he doesn't because you've somehow brainwashed him into thinking it and she wants to reverse it. I assume she isn't a parent herself because anyone who'd ever actually parented a toddler would know its really not bloody likely you could brainwash them, especially on something they enjoy.

this morning he asked if he had to watch tv and I said no to which he said "I don't want SIL to come to our house because she will make me watch the telly."

Sadly it sounds like her obsession is actually starting to affect their relationship and I wonder if telling her that would help but she said she sounds so convinced that its you with the anti TV agenda that I doubt she would believe you...

KurriKurri · 29/12/2018 16:15

How odd of her. He's only 3 - I imagine there are lots of children who don't want to sit and watch TV, even when they are school age, you;d never expect them to sit still and do the same activity for 90 mins or however long a film is, they haven;t ot the concentration span.
There might be lots of reasons he doesn't like TV - it is quite an overload for the senses expecially some of the big sets you get now, but whatever - he;s expressed a preferrence and she is trying to force him to do something he doesn;t enjoy - why would she want to do that?

I didn't watch much TV as a child (we didn;t actualy have one, but friends did and they'd have it on at their house, but if they were watchign something like dr who or batman, i'd go out and help their grandad dig the garden - I found some of the programmes scary - and that was at about 6/7) I never just sit and watch Tv now - I'm always knitting or sewing etc when I watch it.

so your DS might well just be aperson who isn;t bothered with TV (I don't go to see films much either) I'd hate to be forced to watch.

I would return the TV - even if he was keen, it is a real overstepping of boundaries for her to make the decision for your child to have a TV in his room - I wouldn't even think of that until a child is much older.
You could give the Tv away - maybe a school or and after school club or a youth group or something would like it ?

willyloman · 29/12/2018 16:19

return the tv. hate the idea of tv in a bedroom - claustraphobic! At this age my lot would also play and occasionally eyeball tv a bit if telletubbies or a musical was on. why is your sil obsessed with tv? Do tell her to back off, she sounds crazily controlling. Good luck!

Armadillostoes · 29/12/2018 16:27

YANBU-I hated films as a child and was pressured by my family to sit and watch TV with them. The result was that I was bored to tears and grew up hating films and TV. It took me literally decades to get past the bad memories and negative associations of hours of tedium. I still don't watch a lot, but when I do snuggle up in front of the TV or go to the cinema I enjoy it, because it's something I have chosen and am in the mood for. I generally prefer music and books still, but can now finally take a bit of pleasure in TV, and suspect I would take more if I hadn't had it forced on me. Your SIL is horrible, you sound like caring parents who let your DS be himself.

Goldmandra · 29/12/2018 16:32

The issue is clearly that she thinks you're lying and preventing him from watching TV. She probably feels she's rescuing him from future social isolation.

You need to tackle her lack of trust in your ability to accept your own child's wishes and feelings in general rather then specifically about the TV.

poppiesallykatie · 29/12/2018 16:37

Use the tv for yourselves, just say thanks, that is quite a generous present, though I get your dilemma. In 2 years time, it will be a tablet. I salute you if you are bringing up a child who is free from that fascination because I have let those fecking things in and it ruins normal life.

user1493413286 · 29/12/2018 16:38

That’s really weird behaviour; I’d give the TV back and say you’ll decide when he has a tv in his room; I wouldn’t want my 3 year old to have a tv in their room whether they were interested in it or not.
It’s weird how much she’s made a point out of it all.

Aridane · 29/12/2018 16:46

and there is another thread running about how normal it is to have a tv in a child’s bedroom and how unreasonable the father was to object...

BrendasUmbrella · 29/12/2018 16:49

How weird. It sounds like she's actually starting to give him issues around watching TV.

Just put your foot down. Send the TV back.

Ribbonsonabox · 29/12/2018 16:51

My son loves TV and I've got no problem with it at all but if someone gave my son a TV for his room without asking me they would be getting it straight back! How cheeky! You are not being uptight at all she is. Do not accept the gift

3out · 29/12/2018 16:53

She sounds quite bonkers!

I’d sell it and by him something he’d like, or donate it to your local Women’s Aid shelter.

TulipsInbloom1 · 29/12/2018 16:56

Thats madness! It doesnt sound like you are a soapbox "my child wont watch tv" type parent but seems she has made her mind up that you are.

Id be fucking fuming if someone insisted my child wasnt allowed down from the couch the whole time they minded him. Fuming enough that he wouldnt be left in their care again. And only you and dh should be making any choices about tvs in bedrooms.

Excited101 · 29/12/2018 17:06

She’s being strange and mean. Stand up for your son! Much healthier to not watch a screen.

Original poster

AmandaBuffamonteezi · 29/12/2018 17:32

Thank you all for reading and replying. I'm glad it's not just us who think it's weird.

She doesn't have any children and is 36, a few years older than DH.

I don't really want to cause an argument or get MIL involved which will happen if we say anything to SIL but it seems like we're going to have to speak to her! DH is on the same page as me and he will speak to her rather than me but I can back him up if needed!

OP posts:

LunaLovesgood · 29/12/2018 17:35

Absolutely return it! A family members very kindly offered us a tv for DDs bedroom (she's nearly three and loves a movie) but was very understanding when we declined on the grounds of not wanting one in her room for a long time yet.

Return it to the shop and get something else.

woollyheart · 29/12/2018 17:38

Maybe she had problems not being allowed to watch tv, and is projecting those issues onto ds.

Forcing tv onto ds is not good, but may not be the only problem that comes up if she really doesn't regard your son as an individual with his own personality and preferences.

Maelstrop · 29/12/2018 17:43

Return it. She's a cheeky fucker trying to overrule you. You know your child, she's refusing to listen to you, which is dumb. I'd far rather a 3 year old preferred to move round than sat watching TV. I think she's been incredibly rude, actually.

Sparrowlegs248 · 29/12/2018 17:48

Mine don't watch tv. Ds1 is 3 and like yours, just not interested. Would rather listen to music, or have a music channel on tv. He will watch gruffalo etc dvds. But not CBeebies. I would give the present back and not let silhave him alone anymore.

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