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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my relationship? (Desperate for advice)

77 replies

oneilove · 29/12/2018 08:16

Okay, so - my DP and I got back together about 6 months ago. We have one DC who is 2.
I wasn't sure about getting back together at the time, he slightly pushed me into a corner with it because he really wanted to get back together, but I still had love for him and he's an excellent father, I just wasn't sure if I was in love with him.

We've had ups and downs over the past 6 months. Sometimes we bicker a lot and get each other down and sometimes (most of the time really, now) we get on really well. He is like my best friend, he is so amazing with our son, and there's just not many ways I can fault him... but I just don't feel how I felt before we split the first time.
I like being with him, and cuddling him, and having fun with him etc, but sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on dating other people, or like I can't see myself with him forever because I'd feel like I've missed out on other experiences/opportunities. We currently don't really have sex, which is something he's unhappy with, but I've been convinced that it's hormonal/physical problems with me, but now I wonder if the attraction just isn't there with him.

I love him and love our little family but sometimes I feel like I'm just putting on a show for the world that I'm really happy because I'm supposed to be. Sometimes I feel like I am only sticking with him because 1) I'd like more children to the same father (and my plans were fairly soon), 2) because I don't want to hurt him and 3) because I feel so bad for DS every time I think of him as a toddler not understanding why his dad isn't really there anymore and not being able to communicate this with him.
AIBU and throwing away a good thing? Is it grass is always greener syndrome? Will this feeling pass?

OP posts:
mooncuplanding · 29/12/2018 08:19

Why did you split up the first time?

Has these issue, whatever it is, been fully resolved?

Original poster
oneilove · 29/12/2018 08:21

@mooncuplanding yes the issues from when we split have been fully resolved! We just struggled adjusting to parenting together as we were quite young I suppose is the bottom line.

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 29/12/2018 08:26

You’re not in love with him and you need to to leave. This won’t go away. I’ve been there. I would lie awake at night wondering how I could end things. You will feel so free when you’ve left and when you find a truly great relationship you will wonder why you stayed so long. Some honesty is needed here. Flowers

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 29/12/2018 08:31

Are you thinking that the grass is greener elsewhere? It may be for a while but would that person love your son like his dad does, treat you the way he does?

MyNameIsNotSteven · 29/12/2018 08:33

What GreatDuck says. I kind of think that if you were keen to find someone who excites you more, the time to do so was before you had children.

continuallychargingmyphone · 29/12/2018 08:37

I would not leave a non abusive relationship with someone I had a child with.

If you feel that you’ve missed out on the love of your life, I can only gently tell you that finding the love of your life with a child in tow will be disruptive and confusing for you both.

Propertywoe · 29/12/2018 08:46

Your child is young, you have been through some large changes. People can not really tell you how you feel about your DP. My advice would be to look at yourself as a whole, are you happy, fulfilled as it can be easy to find the wrong solutions if you are not focusing on the real problems.

crispysausagerolls · 29/12/2018 08:46

I think if he’s a good man and you have love for him, you need to really work at things. I would try with the physical side too - I always feel closer to DH when we have been intimate, I think it triggers hormones or something 🤷🏻‍♀️

Lweji · 29/12/2018 08:48

This looks like one of those relationships where counselling might actually help.

I wonder if there's still resentment on your part over past issues.
Or is it that you miss the excitement of a new relationship?
Do you still have a sex drive at all without him or not?

It might be a case of injecting some romance into your relationship, which is difficult to keep with a young child.
Or manage to honestly talk about your feelings. Feeling pushed into a relationship is not a good basis for a good relationship. It may be that you feel the need to be able to say no or yes freely without feeling pressured.
Removing all obstacles, would you choose to be with this man right now?

Original poster
oneilove · 29/12/2018 08:53

@Lweji I'm not sure if I would. I feel so confused right now and don't know how to start unmuddling my feelings.

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 29/12/2018 08:54

I would arrange proper dates again almost as if you are dating from scratch. Do new things together.

Are you going out just the two of you or have you just slipped back into family life?

No2palmoil · 29/12/2018 08:54

I did this and still regret it. Love has many ups and downs and it's a two way street. If you can't really fault him you owe it to yourself to try some couples counselling and going on some dates or a couple of weekends away just by yourselves. It's so easy to just take up the parent role and forget why you were together.

Do not force the physical stuff it's horrible when you do it and just builds resentment. Without sounding odd sorry, but if you are flying solo and enjoying that enough then it's unlikely hormonal but if you just aren't finding it ever of interest then it could be.

There is an app called lasting which me and my hubby find a gentle reminder to not take each other for granted.

I lost my best friend nearly 10yrs ago and Iv never quite got it in any other relationships and having someone you can trust with your heart and soul is probably as close to actual soul mates that you get. In my experience any way.

Original poster
oneilove · 29/12/2018 08:56

@MiddleClassProblem we pretty much slipped back into family life. We have time for us sometimes but doesn't extend much beyond watching a film and getting a lie in! 😂
We are actually going out for a meal tonight, which is a first since we got back together.

OP posts:
Lweji · 29/12/2018 08:57

Have you tried to talk to him about how you feel and how you came to get back together?
Could you set a sort of date night so that you have time to talk through these issues?

I have to say that the way you described getting back together raises some yellow flags. Does he otherwise respect your wishes?

Original poster
oneilove · 29/12/2018 08:59

@Lweji yes, I've brought up about the way we got back together and he understands and I understand his perspective too, although it didn't set a good basis for a new relationship still.

OP posts:
Original poster
oneilove · 29/12/2018 09:21

I just feel completely lost. I've wanted to have another baby for a good while and he's such a good dad but my first thought when I think of TTC is I don't want to end up single with 2 babies and then I start looking into contraception! I feel so unreasonable and shit.

OP posts:
Gina2012 · 29/12/2018 09:29

I'd look at ways to make your current relationship work. Counselling and concentrating on building the relationship up.

Forget a 2nd child atm

Once you've given 'making the relationship work' a good go - 6/12 months , then think again about leaving DP

If you want to leave him because you think a new relationship will be more exciting and heart fluttery- it probably will be for a while. But then THAT relationship will also start to dull a little

Nothing stays shiny bright and exciting forever

Think about what it is that you really want.

cristinaP · 29/12/2018 09:37

When you truly LOVE THE PERSON theres no Buts or whatever. YOU LOVE HIM, his the father of your child his your best friend but? YEP YOU DON'T Love him period.

Original poster
oneilove · 29/12/2018 09:43

@cristinaP I know what you mean but I think it's completely plausible to have love for someone who you have so much history with, who's a good father to your children etc but not be in love with them.

OP posts:
Lweji · 29/12/2018 10:10

What were the issues that led to the break up? Do you think they have been sorted? Or did you truly think the relationship had run its course then?

Do you think he's making enough effort to rebuild the relationship or just pushing you into one?

Original poster
oneilove · 29/12/2018 10:13

@Lweji the issues were resolved. They weren't really issues, I just feel like - being young - we struggled into our adjustment to parenting together. Through co-parenting we learned how, but if I'm honest, when we broke up when DS was a few weeks old, I would've told you then that I was no longer in love with him.

I think he makes a lot of effort in the relationship to rebuild it. I think if anyone lets the side down on rebuilding the relationship it's me but I don't feel it's intentional.

OP posts:
Zebrasinpyjamas · 29/12/2018 10:22

Family life with young children can feel like a grind and I think it's common for that resentment to come out directed at your partner. I agree with pp that you should make an effort to do fun things with your dp (without your dc) plus have conversations about what things would improve your relationship separately (maybe through counselling). Both these things saved my relationship a couple of years ago.

Original poster
oneilove · 29/12/2018 10:23

Counselling would potentially be a good option but there's just no way we'd be able to afford it!

OP posts:
Lweji · 29/12/2018 10:33

Who left who?

Original poster
oneilove · 29/12/2018 10:35

@Lweji I left him. He wasn't stepping up to parenting and his responsibilities as much as I wanted.

OP posts:
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