To leave my relationship? (Desperate for advice)

[oneilove]

Okay, so - my DP and I got back together about 6 months ago. We have one DC who is 2.
I wasn't sure about getting back together at the time, he slightly pushed me into a corner with it because he really wanted to get back together, but I still had love for him and he's an excellent father, I just wasn't sure if I was in love with him.

We've had ups and downs over the past 6 months. Sometimes we bicker a lot and get each other down and sometimes (most of the time really, now) we get on really well. He is like my best friend, he is so amazing with our son, and there's just not many ways I can fault him... but I just don't feel how I felt before we split the first time.
I like being with him, and cuddling him, and having fun with him etc, but sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on dating other people, or like I can't see myself with him forever because I'd feel like I've missed out on other experiences/opportunities. We currently don't really have sex, which is something he's unhappy with, but I've been convinced that it's hormonal/physical problems with me, but now I wonder if the attraction just isn't there with him.

I love him and love our little family but sometimes I feel like I'm just putting on a show for the world that I'm really happy because I'm supposed to be. Sometimes I feel like I am only sticking with him because 1) I'd like more children to the same father (and my plans were fairly soon), 2) because I don't want to hurt him and 3) because I feel so bad for DS every time I think of him as a toddler not understanding why his dad isn't really there anymore and not being able to communicate this with him.
AIBU and throwing away a good thing? Is it grass is always greener syndrome? Will this feeling pass?

Do you think that was enough to kill your love for him?
Or did your relationship have to change and you don't recognise it as love?

I can't comment on the cost although if you research you may find that you could get a grant or there may be an organisation that offers counselling by donation for benefits or low income etc or some other option that could help you access it.

My opinion is this is exactly the type of relationship counselling is made for. (As long as there's no abuse)

Your relationship might be over but it could also be that's it's hard to feel actually what you feel because the relationship has had massive changes and challenges!

Counselling can give you both a space with a trained person helping you to explore what is really going on and help you both to decide if you do want to be together or if how you feel is the reality (not in love) in which case it gives you a space to tell him that.

I think I'm just going to try and wind down today, and focus on enjoying going out for a meal just the 2 of us tonight and see how I feel after that tomorrow.

I think people throw away relationships so easily these days because there's 'something missing'

It's completely normal to fall in and out of love with the same person throughout a lifetime. It's the fundamentals of that relationship - family, love; and shared moral values that would allow you to stand the test of time. I don't think it's reasonable to think you will be 'in love' with someone forever. That's just my opinion. I'm a single parent, it's fucking hard. Really fucking hard. And it's impossible to meet someone genuine who will want to take on someone else's kids.

How old are you, OP? You say you are young. I think this is important. If you really are very young, I think the idea that you will stay in an unsatisfying relationship for the rest of your life just because you have a child is frankly completely unrealistic. People with children can and do separate from their partners all the time without causing any long term damage to their children - provided it is done amicably. It would actually be far better to do it now, while your child is small and will quickly adapt. And please don’t have another baby any time soon!

But yes, as PP have said, I would go with counselling first. If you were once in love with him it is possible you can get it back.

@Slothslothsloth I am 22.

If you have lost your libido with respect to him, then you may be able to get counselling on the NHS. Speak to your GP.

I'm not sure being in love lasts a lifetime, and that if you chase that feeling you may end up with a succession of 5 year relationships, each one ending in disappointment as the in-love feeling gets replaced by a more boring love.

Thanks for answering, OP! I think this is really important. You are so, so young and will still change so much. And so will he. Honestly if most of us stayed with the person we were with at 21, we would soon find they are completely unsuitable for us in the long term.

I think the thing about you having a baby together is a red herring when you are both so young, the child is still young enough not to remember the break up and you seem to be on good enough terms to co-parent amicably if you split.

Please don’t misunderstand me - I absolutely don’t think you should just give up. Try all you can - date nights, talking about the issues together, counselling if you can find a way to afford it - for a set period of time and check back in with yourself at the end - say 6 months, or a year. If you are still feeling like this, then it’s time to leave.

Apart from anything else, an entire lifetime of no sex or sex you don’t really want to have is not a viable option when you are so young, and one of you will surely end up cheating if you try to resign yourself to this.

Sorry OP, 22 not 21!

@Slothslothsloth yes, I just feel like 75% of the time I want it to work more than it's actually working. I feel like I've got no one to talk to about this and just keep up a good front of a perfect family. I don't want to talk to anyone about it incase people misunderstand - think I don't care about DP, think I'm just being immature etc.

I'm going to see how tonight goes as it's our first proper night together since getting back together! He's very excited too so I don't want to be preoccupied with this stuff all night.

Hello

If you look at Relate then I'm pretty sure they will give counselling sessions cost dependent on how much you're earning

How did it go one?

Yes one I hope it went well!

I'm really disappointed actually because we had the best night we've ever had, it was so fun and then it was completely ruined by him getting drunkenly argumentative and aggressive!

It sounds like he needs to grow up. The reason for the split was because he wouldn't/couldn't step up to his responsibilities as a father. He goes on a special night out with you but can't/won't stop drinking before he's pissed. It would be hard to be 'in love' with someone immature to that extent, even though it would be perfectly possible to love and care for them.

Does he get drunk and argumentative on a regular basis?

@MortyVicar Exactly.

@Lweji No, he doesn't drink regularly at all.

I would not leave a non abusive relationship with my child’s father based on these feelings. All relationships go through ups and downs, I would pu some serious effort into it ... a good man who loves you and his son .. keep trying at least for a while longer, before you pack it in ...

How long were you apart for when you split up and how did you feel being apart?
Did you miss him?

Without meaning to be in any way patronising you are really young still and I’m sure the idea of ‘this is it’ feels huge sometimes.
After 20+ years with my DH it isn’t at all exciting or romantic or giddy in love most of the time but the solid reliability and trust and feeling of being with my best friend is what is so important now.
When we were much younger and only 5 years in I would have struggled to settle for that.
It’s so hard once kids are on the scene I do understand. It makes the stakes feel so high but truth is that it will be so much easier for your two year old to cope now with a break up than at aged ten.

You could consider separating and having counselling whilst you are apart (Relate do free or reduced rates if you are on a low income) and have date nights whilst living apart to see how you feel with some space and less pressure.

What was your parents’ relationship like when you were a child, if you don’t mind me asking ?

@Dogsmellssobadbob apart for just over a year. I didn't particularly miss him if I'm honest. But then I started enjoying getting along more when we started co-parenting better and realised how much I'd missed his company.

And no, that bit didn't sound patronising, it's exactly what I'm feeling but worried to say incase I sound immature, ungrateful etc.

@JennyHolzersGhost they weren't together when I was growing up.

That’s interesting. Do you think that perhaps you’re struggling to envisage what family life is like when you’re together rather than separate? Was their relationship amicable, did they co-parent well?

I really think that a lot of what we do in relationships is so influenced by our childhoods. I know that I often find it helpful to pause and reflect on which childhood experiences any particular feeling or reaction has resonance with - it helps me understand myself, if you see what I mean.

@JennyHolzersGhost I'm not sure really.

My dad wasn't really in the picture as he was overall pretty terrible!

Although I have to say that by getting drunk and argumentative your DP isn’t exactly helping himself, here. I hope he’s apologetic and embarrassed about it today ?