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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my relationship? (Desperate for advice)

77 replies

oneilove · 29/12/2018 08:16

Okay, so - my DP and I got back together about 6 months ago. We have one DC who is 2.
I wasn't sure about getting back together at the time, he slightly pushed me into a corner with it because he really wanted to get back together, but I still had love for him and he's an excellent father, I just wasn't sure if I was in love with him.

We've had ups and downs over the past 6 months. Sometimes we bicker a lot and get each other down and sometimes (most of the time really, now) we get on really well. He is like my best friend, he is so amazing with our son, and there's just not many ways I can fault him... but I just don't feel how I felt before we split the first time.
I like being with him, and cuddling him, and having fun with him etc, but sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on dating other people, or like I can't see myself with him forever because I'd feel like I've missed out on other experiences/opportunities. We currently don't really have sex, which is something he's unhappy with, but I've been convinced that it's hormonal/physical problems with me, but now I wonder if the attraction just isn't there with him.

I love him and love our little family but sometimes I feel like I'm just putting on a show for the world that I'm really happy because I'm supposed to be. Sometimes I feel like I am only sticking with him because 1) I'd like more children to the same father (and my plans were fairly soon), 2) because I don't want to hurt him and 3) because I feel so bad for DS every time I think of him as a toddler not understanding why his dad isn't really there anymore and not being able to communicate this with him.
AIBU and throwing away a good thing? Is it grass is always greener syndrome? Will this feeling pass?

OP posts:
Original poster
oneilove · 30/12/2018 15:20

@JennyHolzersGhost only slightly apologetic - nowhere near as much as I'd expect. He even shouted at me for crying after he'd been shouting at me for 10 minutes prior last night! It completely ruined the entire night.

OP posts:
JennyHolzersGhost · 30/12/2018 15:21

That’s not sounding good I’m afraid.

Original poster
oneilove · 30/12/2018 15:23

@JennyHolzersGhost it's not! I was appalled and still am. He's actually staying at his mum's right now.

OP posts:
JennyHolzersGhost · 30/12/2018 15:24

Did he move out when you broke up before ? Perhaps you should be honest with him that you’re considering the future of the relationship and you need a few days apart to think.

Tweety1981 · 30/12/2018 15:26

Just remember that a good man is a rare find and he sounds like a good one , every relationship needs work .

I’m more in love with and attracted to my husband now than when we first met ... 11 years ago ...

Original poster
oneilove · 30/12/2018 15:28

@JennyHolzersGhost yes, he moved out when we broke up. I'm definitely going to have to put a bit of space in place so I can have to room to think.

OP posts:
JennyHolzersGhost · 30/12/2018 15:29

How does the thought of him not coming home make you feel ? If it’s relief then maybe you’ve got your answer.

Dogsmellssobadbob · 30/12/2018 15:30

It sounds like you could be a really effective unit if separated. Sometimes the couples who actually do respect and like each other but aren’t ‘in love’ are the best people to co-parent.

It’s so stressful worrying you only have one shot and as tho it’s a split between missing out on the best person you might ever find if you leave or settling for someone who never quites makes your heart flutter if you stay.

Gut feeling from your posts (and I obvs say this as an internet total stranger!) is that it isn’t right. He’s a good bloke and a great father but not the love of your life.
If you can separate without animosity and you can do parent really well then your son will be fine.

Do NOT have another baby with him. It would make this whole situation a million times more complicated.

Original poster
oneilove · 30/12/2018 15:33

@JennyHolzersGhost the thought of him not coming home is weird - on one hand it makes me really upset to think of him not coming home and I'd feel miserable and miss him. But then when I do think of him coming home I feel a bit drained (although I'm not sure if that's just because of last nights arguing)!

OP posts:
JennyHolzersGhost · 30/12/2018 16:22

Well that sounds to me like it’s not over - at least not yet - and you guys have got some working on things to do. I agree that counselling would be a good start. A lot of counsellors charge based on income so it doesn’t have to be beyond your reach necessarily.

MaryDollNesbitt · 30/12/2018 16:43

I think you need to do the 'good enough' test:

  • Is this relationship good enough for me?
  • Is this the man I want to commit myself to?
  • Is this the best I can do?
  • Am I settling?
  • Am I happy?
  • Do I see myself being happy with him for years to come?

Not to throw cold water over anybody telling you how hard it is to find a good man, but ... you're 22, OP. You have your whole life ahead of you. You are both still so young with so much growing still to do - and I don't say that condescendingly! I had my DD at 20. She's now 11.5yo. Every year that passes me by makes me realise just how flippin' young I was when I had her! Wink Your 20s are the years where you really start coming into your own, imo. They're the 'learn how to tackle life' years, if that makes sense?

You mentioned grass is greener syndrome. I actually think this is more a case of running before you can walk syndrome. You're trying to force-fit this 'perfect' mould - both as a couple and as a family with a young child. There's no such thing. It doesn't exist. But more than that, OP, I think you're both putting a lot of pressure on your still very young shoulders to have this successful, long lasting, meaningful relationship while raising a young family, when the fact is folks in their 30s and 40s struggle, and they're sitting on 10-20+ years more life/relationship experience.

I actually think the best thing you guys could do is stop living together (for now) and spend some time apart. You both need some breathing space. I think you're smothering each other under the weight of trying to make all of this work, and all it will do is breed exhaustion, resentment and doubt. By all means have your date nights as a couple and spend lots of family time together with your DS, but learn how 'to be' as separate individuals. Don't let your DP 'push you' into any corners. Figure out what you want and what you feel would work best, and learn to put your foot down. Don't rely on each other for all of your experiences and opportunities. Go out and grab some of these solo. You absolutely do not need to do everything as a couple or as a full family unit.

What things do you do for you? Do you work or study? Any goals or plans for the future you want to work towards? Do you have friends you meet up with? Any hobbies, interests or passions?

Slothslothsloth · 31/12/2018 13:31

Thanks for the updates, OP. Great post from MaryDoll and the advice about living apart and slowing things down if you can is good.

Honestly the people telling you a good man is so rare are just bonkers. Sure, having a baby makes it a little harder to meet someone new, but at 22 it’s still pretty much a certainty that you will. There are so many men still available at this age, and yes many of them are good!

So put fear of not meeting someone out of your head when making this decision. I guarantee you won’t be alone for very long at your age if you don’t want to be.

Tractortod · 31/12/2018 13:37

Hmmm. So very hard to tell if the way you feel is purely down to the fact you've settled down so young and getting a grass in greener/more exciting elsewhere... but you can't expect him to wait while you have fun elsewhere if you eventually realise you've got an overall good thing going here.

Or .. he's more of a friend than a lover and your child has complicated an otherwise clear situation.

Original poster
oneilove · 31/12/2018 13:39

I still feel so lost. We still haven't recovered properly from the arguments over the weekend.

I think I'm going to tell him tonight that I want some space - although I know he's going to be really disappointed and hurt to not be with us on NYE. I think that's the only way of figuring out what I want.

OP posts:
Tractortod · 31/12/2018 13:47

Sounds like you'd be better calling it a day, learn to co parent well and learn from it, so when the right person does come along.. you'll know it.

Just go careful, you have a child to consider.

Original poster
oneilove · 31/12/2018 13:51

He's such a good dad, and he makes my life so much easier, I can't even remember how I coped as a single parent for a year when I think of how easy he makes my life now. I'd be upset if he met someone else if we split, I'd miss having a close friendship too. And oh my goodness, I feel sooo much guilt when I think of my little toddler not being able to understand/communicate about why his dad isn't there anymore.

But... I still don't even know if I feel in love with him or if I'm sexually attracted to him anymore. His arguing and drunken aggression was unacceptable to me. We have different values and opinions on a lot of stuff. I feel 'trapped' a lot. He's got quite big jealousy problems too - I've arranged a night out with a friend this weekend (first time since we got back together) and I know he will have a problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
oneilove · 31/12/2018 13:56

I feel even worse because I usually love being a mum so much and I'm totally preoccupied and distracted with my petty problems! I need time to balance my mind so I've ended preoccupied from my toddler and have actually enjoyed being at work just for some time away!!! I feel like a terrible mum especially right nowSad

OP posts:
Annasgirl · 31/12/2018 14:01

OP, to be honest, the more you post about him the less likeable he sounds. You are settling. There really is no point in staying in a bad relationship for the sake of a child. It sounds like you parent better when apart - many couples do.

Yes you might be sad at the thought of him meeting someone else but you don’t imagine your life with him. I think he is probably taking out his frustration on you and that is not good so maybe best to wind it all up before the relationship is destroyed and you can’t coparent amicably

Annasgirl · 31/12/2018 14:02

BTW, there are loads of good men out there and there is life alone which is also great - no one needs to settle for unhappiness just in case this is the best man they can find.

theOtherPamAyres · 31/12/2018 14:09

I wasn't sure about getting back together at the time, he slightly pushed me into a corner with it because he really wanted to get back together

Getting back together was not what you wanted. You felt pushed into it and are regretting it.

I don't think that counselling will help you, unless you want to be persuaded that you can settle for a love-less partnership for life.

It sounds like your partner would continue to be a responsible, caring dad and and a friend, even if you were to separate.

The4thSandersonSister · 31/12/2018 14:20

Being a good Dad might be enough for your DD, but will never be enough for you. At 22 you are going to become resentful really fast. You got back together at his insistence and it sounds like you felt it was easier to say "Yes" than tell him to give you more space & time. You are already looking for an "out". Move out an co-parent for a length of time and see if your feelings strengthen or further fade.

Maelstrop · 31/12/2018 14:49

He doesn't want you going out with friends? You are allowed to and need to get out occasionally. If he makes this awkward or difficult for you, then yes a fucking wanker. I think you know what you need to do, OP. On and up.

theOtherPamAyres · 31/12/2018 17:49

Arguing, drunken aggression, possessive, incompatible values, has a problem when you don't do as directed, you don't feel sexually attracted to him....

.... and you feel trapped.

That's a long list of red flags as well as deal breakers in a relationship. Is it really worth putting up with this man for an easy life?

The day will come when you are utterly repelled by him and can't bear to be in the same room. Your child will be that much older and it will be harder to split. Meanwhile the jealousy, aggression and coercion will continue and your child will see it. Is that the life you are prepared to accept for you and your child?

I thin you know already that it's time to spring free of the trap. There are too many downsides and signs of dangerous times ahead.

Original poster
oneilove · 31/12/2018 18:27

Told him to go home tonight. He was hurt and taken aback about me not wanting him to spend NYE with us, and has rang up a friend of his (who I really don't like) in front of us and decided to go out tonight.

OP posts:
giantnannyknickers · 01/01/2019 20:35

The more you post about him the more controlling and manipulative he sounds. I get the red flags now.

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