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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To contact his parents

101 replies

Tumbledryer1 · 28/12/2018 20:43

Just had my DD call me and she’s really angry. Moved in with her partner 18mths ago and he just doesn’t lift a finger in the house. Both work full time, he often gets home before her and yet she does everything in the house - cooking, washing, dishes, cleaning etc. Yet again she has called to say they’ve had an argument about him pulling his weight. If she asks him to help out he huffs and puffs and rolls his eyes or basically says yeah in a minute but then doesn’t do it. She says she’s not his mum or his slave and he should help out they are a team. She lives a long way away from me but his parents live very close to them. AIBU to call his mum and say tell him to pull his finger out? It makes me mad he is like this and she doesn’t know what to do. I’ve said do you own washing and not his, cook your own tea and not his and see if that helps but that could just cause more arguments?? I don’t want to interfere but she’s my daughter and I don’t want her to be treated this way but she loves him and it’s not for me to say leave. WWYD??? By the way, when he was at home with his parents he had to do ALL the chores, so he knows the work involved but it’s almost like now he’s moved in with my DD he’s thought, great she can do it all!! They are 20 and 21 yrs old. Any advice?

OP posts:

Sparklesocks · 28/12/2018 20:45

That’s really shitty for her but as they are adults I think they need to sort it out themselves, he’s clearly a bit of a man child and I don’t think drafting his mum in will help!

She’s doing really well calling him out on it and not putting up with it, but they need to sort it out and he needs to step up.

ShinyMe · 28/12/2018 20:45

By all means advise her about how to tackle it herself, but NO! Don't get involved, especially not by talking to his mum. She'd be mortified.

FBEH · 28/12/2018 20:46

Um yes. It would be unreasonable. He’s a grown adult not a naughty school boy.

And your daughters a grown adult too. She needs to either wake up and smell the coffee or he needs to help out.

whatsthepointthen · 28/12/2018 20:46

Why would you call his parents, are they 12?

ShinyMe · 28/12/2018 20:46

^ I mean your daughter would be mortified.

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/12/2018 20:47

Your DD needs to sort this out, either by talking to him or leaving.

Yinv · 28/12/2018 20:48

His mum might think it’s your dd’s duty to look after him so watch out with that!!!!
(I don’t think it is, before I get flamed!)

Original poster

Tumbledryer1 · 28/12/2018 20:48

OK yes fair enough, I just feel a bit helpless being so far away and thought he might listen to his mum, but you’re right he’s an adult and my DD needs to sort it with him or not I suppose! I’ll but out then!!

OP posts:

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 28/12/2018 20:48

What is it with people on mumsnet wanting to call a partners larnets as if they're still 6 years old?

This is something that comes with living together and you need to leave them to sort it themselves.

Her0utdoors · 28/12/2018 20:49

Yabu ringing his mum. Ywbr to offer her any support she needs so she can lt-lazy-b.

Ikeameatballs · 28/12/2018 20:50

He is behaving like a lazy child, calling his parents will only reinforce this and won’t help.

Explain to your daughter that:
Yes, this is shit behaviour from him.
He so far hasn’t changed despite knowing how upset she is.
He is therefore unlikely to change.
Her choices are therefore to put up with this or leave.

Repeat each time she complains.

Original poster

Tumbledryer1 · 28/12/2018 20:51

So AIBU it message him? And tell him to pull his finger out or completely but out??

OP posts:

OutragedERIC · 28/12/2018 20:52

It depends. Is his dad bigger than her dad?

Fairylightfurore · 28/12/2018 20:52

Ringing his Mum won't help. Your daughter needs to decide if she's willing to put up with this for the duration of the relationship or not. If not time to boot him out back to his Mum. He won't change.

BumbleBeee69 · 28/12/2018 20:52

I’d tell her to move out.

pJTop · 28/12/2018 20:52

Butt out. Don’t contact him. Don’t meddle .this is up to your daughter.

Original poster

Tumbledryer1 · 28/12/2018 20:52

I like your answer Ikeameatballs 👍

OP posts:

Original poster

Tumbledryer1 · 28/12/2018 20:53

Outraged Eric - apparently his dad is the same - does nothing at all house wise

OP posts:

Original poster

Tumbledryer1 · 28/12/2018 20:54

Bumblebee - I’ve told she is not trapped and can come home anytime she wants to - that’s all I can do I suppose

OP posts:

checkingforballoons · 28/12/2018 20:55

Why would he listen to you more than he’d listen to your daughter? I’d stay out of it completely, other than supporting her.

CatnissEverdene · 28/12/2018 20:55

I'd put all your effort in getting your DD to move on and leave Mr Slobby in her past.

Beautyandthe · 28/12/2018 21:00

Probably best not to get involved for now.
If your DD is going to stay with him, she needs to figure this out for herself.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 28/12/2018 21:00

No, don't call his parents.

I'd suggest that your DD to move out, frankly. If she's not old enough to advocate for herself and tell the lazy, selfish arse to do his share in his own home, then she's not really old enough to be living with someone.

He has no reason to change. Tell her that. Why would he? She might bitch, but she's still doing it all: i bet he doesn't go without clean clothes, towels, bedding, house and meals ... because she does it all for him. Tell her to stop and start looking for someplace else to live. She's throwing her life away on a jackarse who thinks it's ok to treat her this way.

Flowerpot2005 · 28/12/2018 21:02

Do not call his parents.

Encourage your DD to not do all the housework etc & tomleave if he insists of being a lazy swine. She's too young for such a crappy relationship.

Sparklesocks · 28/12/2018 21:02

If his dad is the same he clearly has ideas about the role of men and women in the household - and sees housework as women’s work. Red flag!

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