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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact his parents

101 replies

Tumbledryer1 · 28/12/2018 20:43

Just had my DD call me and she’s really angry. Moved in with her partner 18mths ago and he just doesn’t lift a finger in the house. Both work full time, he often gets home before her and yet she does everything in the house - cooking, washing, dishes, cleaning etc. Yet again she has called to say they’ve had an argument about him pulling his weight. If she asks him to help out he huffs and puffs and rolls his eyes or basically says yeah in a minute but then doesn’t do it. She says she’s not his mum or his slave and he should help out they are a team. She lives a long way away from me but his parents live very close to them. AIBU to call his mum and say tell him to pull his finger out? It makes me mad he is like this and she doesn’t know what to do. I’ve said do you own washing and not his, cook your own tea and not his and see if that helps but that could just cause more arguments?? I don’t want to interfere but she’s my daughter and I don’t want her to be treated this way but she loves him and it’s not for me to say leave. WWYD??? By the way, when he was at home with his parents he had to do ALL the chores, so he knows the work involved but it’s almost like now he’s moved in with my DD he’s thought, great she can do it all!! They are 20 and 21 yrs old. Any advice?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 28/12/2018 22:39

What you've said to her is perfect. The ball's in her court now.

Original poster
Tumbledryer1 · 28/12/2018 22:46

CJsGoldfish - 😲 OK - I find your post little offensive! Do you have older children? I’m just asking for advice because I’m trying to do the best by my child! She may be an adult but I love her and want the best for her - I understand you may have a different point of view but surely there’s no need to be so aggressive (please!)

OP posts:
MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 28/12/2018 22:51

Remind her not to call him her partner. A partner shares the highs and the lows, the hard and the easy, the fun times and the bad times. A lazy twat is not a partner. Unless he has a personality change his attitude to the division of 'wife work' is going to stay firmly in the 1950s.

Original poster
Tumbledryer1 · 28/12/2018 22:54

Thank you tabbytwitchit- good post and very insightful. I’ve now txt her the details of this post so hopefully she can read it herself and take from it what she wants - so everyone please be respectful that she will now be reading this 👍

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 28/12/2018 22:59

Well done Mum, you’re doing the best you can for her, given the circumstances Flowers

CJsGoldfish · 28/12/2018 23:22

CJsGoldfish - 😲 OK - I find your post little offensive! Do you have older children? I’m just asking for advice because I’m trying to do the best by my child! She may be an adult but I love her and want the best for her - I understand you may have a different point of view but surely there’s no need to be so aggressive (please!)

I'm not sure why you found my post offensive. Aggressive I can maybe see though I don't mean to be :(
I do have older children, 3 of them. I would never ever ever think to interfere in their lives/relationships the way you were/are considering.
I also wouldn't be impressed to hear the same issue over and over. Do something about it or accept that that is the way it's going to be.
I just find the dynamic weird. To still be trying to 'solve' an adult childs issues by running to his parents or telling him off FOR your adult child.
I'm very close to my children and they know, and always have known, that I will always have their backs. Even when they make dumb decisions (which has happened once or twice.lol) If they want to whinge about a situation over and over when it's well within their ability to change, I'm not so indulgent. Wouldn't do them any favours to do so.

Original poster
Tumbledryer1 · 28/12/2018 23:26

CJsGoldfish - fair enough - maybe I’m being a bit over sensitive - thankyou for clarifying your point 👍

OP posts:
bridezilla1 · 28/12/2018 23:31

Tell his mum?! HmmHmm

Butt out. It's not up to you to message him and certainly not his mother, it's up to your DD how she approaches this they are both adults. I'm shocked your reaction would be to message his parents as if you are talking about primary school children having a tiff!

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 28/12/2018 23:31

If you interfere he will remember it forever, long after this issue is sorted out.

Has he lived with anyone else? I can't imagine any housemates being happy with chocolate wrappers being chucked on the floor and left.

I think the only thing she can do if she has spoken to him and it's not worked, is to give an ultimatum and mean it. Move out to a house share and see if he grows up.

I promise not all men are like this at all, I have lived in a few house shares, mainly men, and only one man in one house was bad. We asked him to move out in the end as he was unwilling to change. It's hard when people have different standards of what they consider clean but everyone needs to compromise a bit

Rachelle3211 · 28/12/2018 23:32

If he did all the housework while living at home why would his parents help you? Sounds like they don't do much.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 28/12/2018 23:37

I'd put all your effort in getting your DD to move on

^this

It is a shame you did everything for her dad for so long. Perhaps a chat about how much you regret that and how hard it was for you may be worth having?

Tabbytwitchet · 28/12/2018 23:40

You're obviously a fab mum for caring and trying to help your daughter out in this tough situation. The fact she comes to you for help and advice shows how much she thinks of you. my 2 dds are toddlers still and the thought of them ending up with a lazy boyfriend makes me so angry! Especially seeing what some of my friends are going through with their "partners". I'm actually gobsmacked that they get away with doing so little, but its easy to say "give them a kick up the ass, or tell them you're leaving" but the reality is, once kids are involved it's alot harder to just up and leave over something that sounds so petty... "the housework". Which is why I really think if your daughter doesn't want to deal with this long term then she needs to address it now. My partner has always been brilliant around the house, but I didn't realise how much it meant until we had kids and I kept thinking I wouldn't be able to do it if it weren't for him, and how much he does, and he says the same about me, which is what a partnership is all about. relying on the other person to DO THEIR SHARE, pick up the slack in time of illness, or need, and work as a team to stay afloat, not relying on the other person to do it all. Tell her of course there are plenty men out there who are more than willing to pull their weight, and she's far too young to be settling for anything substandard. And ushe can use this a learning curve for what to avoid if she decides to leave him and look for another partner in the future.

OhTheRoses · 28/12/2018 23:46

Best thing my mum ever did for me when she met DH's parents after we were engaged and DH's mother made a comment about me getting used to doing housework when I was married (I had owned my own house for 8 years and had a cleaner the concept of which was alien to future MIL who stirred her DH's tea)

"Oh, did you bring up your girls to clean?" with an incredulous smile.

notangelinajolie · 29/12/2018 00:00

Your DD needs to sort this. Please don't tell is mum - he is not a child. Stay away and let DD work this out for herself.

Womantheonlykind · 29/12/2018 00:24

yeah and she hasn't got kids YET so emphasis on the moving on swiftly, send her a copy of Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? asap.

Stress to her that you cannot change other people's behaviour only your own.

RemindMeToMoveTheElf · 29/12/2018 00:29

Tell her to triple up her contraception. Flowers

ResistanceIsNecessary · 29/12/2018 09:00

No, this isn't what men are like. What she's experiencing is a lazy cocklodger who wants to be waited on hand and foot, have sex on tap and not contribute anything in return.

It's a good lesson to learn.

I agree that the key thing here is to make sure she doesn't get pregnant. Hopefully it would be a non-issue anyway as I can't imagine why she'd want to have sex with someone who is so lazy and selfish.

MrsBobDylan · 29/12/2018 09:01

Tell your DD that he won't change (and he really won't) and that by staying with him, she is choosing this as her life.

You are inadvertently reinforcing the idea that he'll change by even considering asking his parents to have a word.

Theweasleytwins · 29/12/2018 09:07

She needs to leave him

Im a sahm now but we bith worked full time and i did everything

Now i cant work due to the price of childcare and apparently doing everything is now my job

Belindabauer · 29/12/2018 15:37

His dad is his role model and you have said he is lazy.
There you go.
I'd tell my dd she can come back home at any time.

poppiesallykatie · 29/12/2018 18:56

At 20 and 21 this will probably be her first hit on the learning curve of what she does not want; leave her to it with a few subtle hints!

Mishappening · 29/12/2018 19:01

Please do not get involved - at all. When my DDs used to grumble about their partners I used to do the "Oh dear; sorry you are feeling that way; mmm;" etc. In other words I listened, remained neutral and trusted that they, as grown adults would work it out for themselves. The idea that you might contact his parents is quite beyond belief! Get a grip! They are adults!

If she rang and said she was being abused, then I would get involved.

Mishappening · 29/12/2018 19:04

If your DD gets the idea that whenever things are not working out with a partner she can get you to try and bail her out then she will never work it out for herself. And as for her partner - my guess is he would be livid at your interference - and quite rightly too.

BishopBrennansArse · 29/12/2018 19:10

YWBU to contact his parents.

Your best course of action would be to remind your DD that she has choices here. Obviously she's expressed previously that she's not happy with the existing situation so now she has to decide whether or not to stay with him. I don't think staying would be wise by the way unless he wishes to delegate his responsibilities by paying for a housekeeper.

She needs to tell him to shape up or ship out.

kitkatsky · 29/12/2018 19:15

Sorry what? It's commendable to support DD but not fight her battles for her! Please bear in mind you also only hear her side. That doesn't mean she's not being truthful, but it does mean you don't have the full story. You should keep supporting her, but honestly if she approached boyfriend's mother what would actually be the end goal? Dyu think any mother is going to take the word of a girlfriend above her DS? I'm not saying that's right btw...