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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact his parents

101 replies

Tumbledryer1 · 28/12/2018 20:43

Just had my DD call me and she’s really angry. Moved in with her partner 18mths ago and he just doesn’t lift a finger in the house. Both work full time, he often gets home before her and yet she does everything in the house - cooking, washing, dishes, cleaning etc. Yet again she has called to say they’ve had an argument about him pulling his weight. If she asks him to help out he huffs and puffs and rolls his eyes or basically says yeah in a minute but then doesn’t do it. She says she’s not his mum or his slave and he should help out they are a team. She lives a long way away from me but his parents live very close to them. AIBU to call his mum and say tell him to pull his finger out? It makes me mad he is like this and she doesn’t know what to do. I’ve said do you own washing and not his, cook your own tea and not his and see if that helps but that could just cause more arguments?? I don’t want to interfere but she’s my daughter and I don’t want her to be treated this way but she loves him and it’s not for me to say leave. WWYD??? By the way, when he was at home with his parents he had to do ALL the chores, so he knows the work involved but it’s almost like now he’s moved in with my DD he’s thought, great she can do it all!! They are 20 and 21 yrs old. Any advice?

OP posts:
GruciusMalfoy · 28/12/2018 21:05

Don't get involved. His parents sound like they operate like this, so what will they do? It's really no one else's business, hopefully your daughter will come to her senses quickly.

EmeraldShamrock · 28/12/2018 21:05

I would be playing Jennifer Lopez I ain't your mama on full blast and repeat constantly.
I would not contact his parents but I would encourage my DD to stop looking after the lazy Git.

Tweety1981 · 28/12/2018 21:05

Oh he’s just taking advantage because she lets him . He wouldn’t get away with this at his mum and dads . don’t tell his parents she needs to learn to stand up for herself and put her foot down .

Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2018 21:06

If it were my daughter, I would tell her to stop complaining because she is CHOOSING to be treated like a maid. She could very easily walk right out the door but she doesn't. I would ask her if this is what she wants for the rest of her life.

blackteasplease · 28/12/2018 21:07

I'd advise her to move out again tbh.

UserName31456789 · 28/12/2018 21:08

Definitely don't call his parents! If they haven't taught him not to be a lazy git by now they're not going to start now. Your daughter needs to accept that he might not change and decide if she wants to put up with it.

brizzledrizzle · 28/12/2018 21:10

It depends. Is his dad bigger than her dad?

I just choked on my wine, thanks for that Xmas Grin

OP, he's not going to change so she either needs to leave or put up with this man child. My DS is constantly 'in a minute' with household chores, it's a nightmare. I'm trying to nip it in the bud for the sake of his future partner.

Petalflowers · 28/12/2018 21:11

If they moved in 18 months ago, they must have been very young when started dating (students?).

I agree with the others, don’t call his parents.

Basically, she has three options.

  1. leave things as they are
  2. make changes
  3. leave

Maybe suggest they draw up a rota to see if that works. Ie, she cooks mon/wed, him tues=thurs, and Friday a takeaway etc. He does the laundery one week, her the next etc.

Or as you suggested above, she only does her stuff.

Santaissleepingoffmincepies · 28/12/2018 21:11

Not your circus not your monkeys as they say.

Drum2018 · 28/12/2018 21:13

In all seriousness I'd advise my DD to leave him. He wont change if he cannot see it's causing an issue and she's too young to put up with this shite for the rest of her life. Better to get out now than be stuck with him and a couple of kids down the line and her still doing everything.

cstaff · 28/12/2018 21:13

She needs to deal with this herself preferably by either kicking him out or getting the hell out herself. I don't see him changing and if this is him at such a young age what will he be like in 20 years.

Thewifipasswordis · 28/12/2018 21:13

She shouldnt be 'asking' him to 'help out'. She should stop doing it and tell him it's half his home so he does half the shit.

Tell her to stop doing it right away. He clears up after his lazy arse self.

Pachyderm1 · 28/12/2018 21:14

It would be very unreasonable - they’re adults, not naughty children needing their parents to sort out schoolyard squabbles.

All you can do is advise your daughter that he probably won’t ever change, and that she’d really be better cutting her losses.

Original poster
Tumbledryer1 · 28/12/2018 21:15

I will butt out, won’t contact anyone but will support my DD, I think I’ll show her this thread - sorry for late reply I lost internet connection!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tumbledryer1 · 28/12/2018 21:16

I think the trouble is that if she doesn’t do it, it doesn’t get done then she gets dressed because the house is a state! She doesn’t know how to force it...

OP posts:
Bringbackthestrioes · 28/12/2018 21:16

ikeameatballs has it. Print it out and laminate it for her.

“Explain to your daughter that:
Yes, this is shit behaviour from him.
He so far hasn’t changed despite knowing how upset she is.
He is therefore unlikely to change.
Her choices are therefore to put up with this or leave.

Repeat each time she complains.”

Make sure you BOLD the “He is therefore unlikely to change” part.

Original poster
Tumbledryer1 · 28/12/2018 21:17
  • stressed!! Not dressed!!
OP posts:
Cranky17 · 28/12/2018 21:17

By the way, when he was at home with his parents he had to do ALL the chores, so he knows the work involved but it’s almost like now he’s moved in with my DD he’s thought, great she can do it all!! They are 20 and 21 yrs old. Any advice?
So he used to do all the chores and now doesn’t? So the only variable is dd, she needs to stop and leave his stuff, just act as selfish as he does and see if he re starts doing the work.
Hopefully he will as he clearly knows how it she should leave him

AcrossthePond55 · 28/12/2018 21:18

....and it’s not for me to say leave

Sure it is! I'd tell her if he hasn't changed his lazy-ass ways by 18 months, he's not going to. That she deserves more and better in a partner. And that the best thing she can do is leave him and find someone who understands what sharing and equality in a relationship are. And that you will support her in any way you can once she's decided to leave.

She may not do as you advise, but at least she's been told.

Original poster
Tumbledryer1 · 28/12/2018 21:19

My own DH wasn’t so good in the early days but has got better in later years but I chose to put up with it and stay because we had kids but she hasn’t got kids - I worry I set a bad example and think maybe she thinks it’s ok because I put up with it - but I don’t want her to have to go through what I went through iyswim

OP posts:
winsinbin · 28/12/2018 21:21

You can not interfere in your adult DDs relationship. If you start doing that she will stop confiding in you and so lose you as much needed moral support.

She has to sort this out for herself. All you should do is be there to listen when she wants you too. And let her know she is always welcome in your house for a break or longer if necessary.

Original poster
Tumbledryer1 · 28/12/2018 21:23

Thankyou winsinbin- I will do that x

OP posts:
Raindancer411 · 28/12/2018 21:27

I was with someone for 9 years whose mum lived in the dark ages and women had to do everything and the men could swan around. I said not when we move in together. We moved in and he did a little but not much. I am not with him now to say the least...

Personally I would stay out and let it run its course. She won't put up with it forever and then you cannot be blamed. Just be there for her and offer her to come home if she needs it

agnurse · 28/12/2018 21:29

Agree with PPs. The #1 rule for parents of AC is that you NEVER get involved in their relationships. There's also a corollary - as an AC you NEVER ask your parents to get involved in your relationships.

A parent's instinct is always going to be to protect a child. That's natural. That's what parents do. But it also means, by definition, that parents are not objective third-parties.

For the sake of argument, let's say you did complain to his parents. What would they do? Spank him? Send him to his room? Take away his privileges? The most they could do is talk to him, which would likely result in his telling them it's not their affair (which it isn't). Worst case scenario, his parents get all over YOU and it turns ugly.

This is not a fight you can win. Your DD has four options: do it herself, leave it, hire a cleaner, or leave him. Only she can decide what she wants to do.

Rainbowqueeen · 28/12/2018 21:30

I like meatballs is exactly right

Does she have a job where she is that she wants to stay in? How long is the lease?

Can you say to her that you are happy to come and help her move at any time?
I’d also encourage her to lurk on here and get her the book wifework and why does he do that

Also talk about red flags and the quote “when someone shows you who they are, believe them”. He is someone who does not care if he upsets her and does not see them as part of a team

Hope she comes to her senses soon