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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To contact his parents

101 replies

Tumbledryer1 · 28/12/2018 20:43

Just had my DD call me and she’s really angry. Moved in with her partner 18mths ago and he just doesn’t lift a finger in the house. Both work full time, he often gets home before her and yet she does everything in the house - cooking, washing, dishes, cleaning etc. Yet again she has called to say they’ve had an argument about him pulling his weight. If she asks him to help out he huffs and puffs and rolls his eyes or basically says yeah in a minute but then doesn’t do it. She says she’s not his mum or his slave and he should help out they are a team. She lives a long way away from me but his parents live very close to them. AIBU to call his mum and say tell him to pull his finger out? It makes me mad he is like this and she doesn’t know what to do. I’ve said do you own washing and not his, cook your own tea and not his and see if that helps but that could just cause more arguments?? I don’t want to interfere but she’s my daughter and I don’t want her to be treated this way but she loves him and it’s not for me to say leave. WWYD??? By the way, when he was at home with his parents he had to do ALL the chores, so he knows the work involved but it’s almost like now he’s moved in with my DD he’s thought, great she can do it all!! They are 20 and 21 yrs old. Any advice?

OP posts:

Angrybird345 · 28/12/2018 21:33

I’d tell her to think about leaving and whatever she chooses to do she is always welcome at home.

AnyOldPrion · 28/12/2018 21:33

If you show her this thread... yes to ikea’s advice.

Mine would be... Don’t have children with him or you’ll be stuck with a lazy arse and ten times the work. He’ll be a crap dad if you have children with him as he already knows he can walk all over you.

Zofloramummy · 28/12/2018 21:34

Ok so a home needs work. It doesn’t matter if you have ovaries or testes the washing machine, hoover, mop etc really doesn’t care. This comes down to entitlement. All you can do is support your dd and tell her this is wrong. Honestly she needs to give this bloke a massive kick in the arse! Ask him where it says that washing up liquid can only be used by females? Same for washing machines, ovens etc. He needs to grow up and fast. You tell her she is worth so much more than that and if he expects an easy ride through life then he is deluded. A partnership is meant to be that, two people pulling together.
Don’t ring his parents but support your girl and tell her she is worth so much more than that manchild, and also that they aren’t all the same.

Leeds2 · 28/12/2018 21:37

I would be encouraging my DD to leave such a relationship. He is unlikely to change.
Whilst she is thinking about it, I would advise her to stop doing his laundry and cooking. And explain to him why she has done that.

ForalltheSaints · 28/12/2018 21:38

Moving in together at 18 with someone who is a man child or abusive man (hopefully the former) makes me wonder why the DD did this in the first place. I agree with the mum making sure that the DD is aware of red flags etc and hopefully the DD will be able to easily and as painlessly as possible end the relationship.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 28/12/2018 21:40

If you show her this thread -

Nothing turns me off faster than having to pick up after a lazy man. There is nothing attractive about someone who is so lazy they won't lift a finger. Does he seriously expect you to carry on wanting to have sex with him?

It also suggests that he doesn't care about you or have any respect for you. If he did then he wouldn't be treating you like a household appliance.

In terms of forcing the issue - one conversation where you lay it out clearly. Divide up the household chores fairly and be very firm in that it's not your responsibility to tell him what needs to be done. He has eyes and a functioning brain - if the milk is low, buy more. If the loo roll has run out, bin the cardboard sleeve and put a new one on the holder. None of this is rocket science - if he can work a smart phone, manage a TV remote control or drive a car then he'll be more than capable of using a washing machine and cleaning a bathroom.

If he does not consistently improve, then dump him. Seriously. You are very young - do not waste your best years on a selfish bastard who thinks that your role in life is to uncomplainingly scrub his skidmarks off the loo.

FFSFFSFFS · 28/12/2018 21:43

You want to call HIS MUM to get him to tell him that women shouldn't have to do everything.

Did it cross your mind to call his dad??

BrendasUmbrella · 28/12/2018 21:45

Maybe his parents have low cleanliness standards? Or perhaps he lied by saying he did everything, to impress her?

I suppose a compromise might be if he pays for a cleaner to come in twice a week? But if she can't face not doing his share because she fears arguments, he's not the right man for her anyway.

HauntedPencil · 28/12/2018 21:46

I can understand how frustrating this must be but that would be really embarrassing for everyone potentially.

I would absolutely support her in every other way. He sounds like a lazy git, it's really not on.

dorasmith · 28/12/2018 21:47

Are you a new poster or did you NC?

BlancheM · 28/12/2018 21:49

The best advice you can give her apart from 'move out' (she probably won't) is to make damn sure there are no kids on the horizon. Men like her partner, if he stays as he is currently is, make for shit parents. Your DD would be changing every nappy, making every appointment, getting up every night ect ect ect

DeepanKrispanEven · 28/12/2018 21:53

It surely must be obvious to your daughter that as long as she carries on cooking for her partner, doing his washing for him, washing up his dishes etc he will carry on as he is. Therefore the answer is equally obvious: at a minimum, she stops dong anything for him and, if that doesn't work, she walks out.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2018 21:53

What a shame that she's wasting her youth and time on this twat. He will never, ever change and your daughter is too naive to realise it.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 28/12/2018 21:53

I would tell her that were it not for the fact that you had children you would have left your DH for the same behaviours and that women today should never accept being treated as unpaid domestics.

Advise her to ensure she doesn't get pregnant with him because then she will be trapped. I think we all know he is unlikely to change so it is just a matter of hoping she realises this soon and leaves him.

Oct18mummy · 28/12/2018 21:54

Did she not know he was like this before she moved in with him? He has been clearly spoilt at home by parents hence why he is so lazy will probably not help contacting them. Let you daughter sort this situation out unfortunately

animallikeyou · 28/12/2018 21:56

Don’t call his parents.

If your daughter is unhappy with his behaviour it is up to her to either leave him or put up with it.

Simple.

Wonkypalmtree · 28/12/2018 21:58

Encourage her to leave him. I wish my parents had

pigsinarow · 28/12/2018 21:59

Can you imagine the AIBU thread if OP actually did that 😂

I cannot believe it even crossed your mind for a second.

Lovemusic33 · 28/12/2018 22:18

No way would I contact his parents, what do you expect them to do? He’s obviously learnt these behaviours from his own parents.

Be there for your daughter and encourage her not to put up with it and LTB.

CJsGoldfish · 28/12/2018 22:24

Meh.
Your DD is choosing to put up with it. Tbh, I'd be over her complaining by now. No kids, place to stay ready for her yet she continues in the same pattern whinging to you about it.

The very idea that you'd consider contacting his parents or him is weird. Most adult children would find that mortifying but I get the feeling yours wouldn't?

So yeah, YABU for entertaining the idea for even a second. Your dd knows she has a place to go when she's had enough. I'd encourage her to stop whining and do something.

LonginesPrime · 28/12/2018 22:24

She needs to sort this out for herself.

If he's not pulling his weight, that's his responsibility - he's showing her who he is, and she can either knowingly accept that this is her life now or she can leave.

The parents getting involved might make him do more around the house for a while if he feels he has to, but it won't solve the bigger issues (whether that's just that they are mismatched in their tolerance for mess, that he expects her to do all the housework as the woman, or that he's just plain lazy).

It will only prolong the inevitable and you'd be doing your daughter a disservice in preventing her from dealing with the consequences of choosing to live/stay with someone like that.

Letsmove1t · 28/12/2018 22:24

OP only he can make the required changes & he has to want to do it- sounds v unlikely.DD needs to focus energy on what she can do - move out/ house on market/ or decide this crap is how she’d like the rest of her life eith him to be

AbbieLexie · 28/12/2018 22:29

@ikeameatballs sums up the choices. Took my daughter about 18 months before she came to her senses. Reiterated I was unhappy seeing her so unhappy but would support her in any decisions she made. Always room for her at home!

Original poster

Tumbledryer1 · 28/12/2018 22:34

Brendasumbrella - Yes his parents have low cleanliness standards.
he thinks the house is fine, my daughter gets stressed as it is not. Ie: he eats chocolates, throws wrappers on the floor and as my daughter refuses to tidy they have been there for 3 days until the row tonight. She works her ass off and he’s like “meh” shrugs shoulders and rolls eyes! I’ve just got off the phone to her, I think there is an ultimatum coming and I have made clear she is welcome at home and nothing is ever so bad it cannot be fixed - she was stressing about giving up work, house etc and is having to go and collect her things - I said it doesn’t matter, we are here for her and she can come home nothing is unfixable - she even said but what if I don’t find someone else or they are just the same? Is this what men are like? - I told her no, this day and age not all men are like that and she doesn’t have to put up with it - she’s torn- she loves him but doesn’t want to live like this.

OP posts:

Tabbytwitchet · 28/12/2018 22:39

No don't talk with his parents. It would probably cause a huge row, and he'd be majorly pissed off and resentful of your daughter, and it wouldn't change his lazy behaviours. Infact as he sounds so childlike, he might actually start being worse to spite her. They are adults, and need to resolve this themselves. If it were my daughter and I wanted to give her advice, I'd tell her that she deserves far far better and to leave him. If she's going to let him treat her like a mug now, then she's got a long hard road ahead of her. Relationships are a 2 way street and both partners need to pull their weight. If he's acting like this now, what's he going to be like as a father if they decide to have children in the future? So many of my friends used to moan about their lazy husbands/boyfriends, but put up with it, and would even make jokes about how useless they were, as if it was slightly amusing and endearing how pathetic they were, but now they've got children and are trying to keep their heads above water doing EVERYTHING while their "partners" do the bare mimimum, it's created some really unhealthy, unhappy households, led to a divorce of one couple, and 2 others are extremely fed up and resentful. These giant man children need a kick up the ass! But in all honesty, I think if they're wired to be that way, it's impossible to snap them out of it, and get them pulling their weight. My friend had so many arguments with her husband about his lack of help around the house and with the kids, and he was devastated when she finally snapped and filed for divorce, but he still didn't change and even the day before they had to move out and go their separate ways, he was leaving dirty plates on the kitchen side, packed one box of "his" stuff and let her deal with the rest of the entire house. He only changed 1 nappy, and that was when the first baby was a day old and she was recovering from a c section. He refused to help at all once they were home from hospital, left her to fend for herself and do absolutely everything. Made my blood boil. I'd seriously tell your daughter to stop being a doormat and give her overgrown baby of a boyfriend an ultimatum, either help out or get out. Another approach would be to tell her to go back to basics and make a chores chart and designate jobs to him. If he doesn't do them they don't get done, and she'll have to stay strong and not cave. Maybe a simplified approach would work for his childish way of thinking. He could even get a gold star for completing all his jobs 😂

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