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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to send DD to Dads

78 replies

Cath2907 · 28/12/2018 20:26

Hubby and I split amicably in October. I’ve offered him 2 week nights, 1 weekend night and 1 day each weekend with DD. He has only taken Fri night and Sat morning then returned DD each week. He went 180 miles down South for Xmas and took DD Fri to Mon (Xmas eve) lunchtime. I met them halfway home to collect DD and he went back to his mums. We’d talked about DD maybe going down this weekend after Xmas for a few days but DD (aged 8) doesn’t want to. I’ve told hubby she doesn’t want to come (he asked if I was bringing her half way down tomorrow). He has refused to reply (I know he read the message) so is now in a mood (his sulking was one of the reasons we split!). AIBU not to insist DD goes down to visit again?

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 28/12/2018 20:27

If that was the agreement then I think it should be stuck to.

ChloMaloe · 28/12/2018 20:30

At 8 years old I think your DD would need a pretty good reason to refuse to spend time with her father and would be keen to get to the bottom of that before just telling her father she's not going?

Milkmachine15 · 28/12/2018 20:33

If you were still together and had planned to go to his mums for a couple of nights over New Years and DD decided just before that she didn’t want to go what would you do?

Original poster
Cath2907 · 28/12/2018 20:33

She says she is having a great time with me and her cousins and doesn’t want to spend 2 days in the car (one there and one back) having only got back from the last visit 4 days ago. She likes PIL but there is lot less action going on down there than at home and she was only there last weekend!

OP posts:
Tryingbutfailingmiserably · 28/12/2018 20:34

YABU
At least find out why she doesnt want to go but equally I think you need to follow through on this unless there is a very good reason why she wants to stay put

Original poster
Cath2907 · 28/12/2018 20:35

We never went down twice over this time, we always did the pre-Xmas weekend so she has already been and done the normal Xmas visit. This is a second visit and we definitely wouldn’t have planned it as a family.

OP posts:
ChloMaloe · 28/12/2018 20:36

Sorry but that's not a good enough reason to not send your child to spend time with her father.

Milkmachine15 · 28/12/2018 20:36

But that’s not my question, if you’d made plans to visit someone over Xmas/new year whenever and then DD just decided she didn’t want to go would you cancel your plans?

Zampa · 28/12/2018 20:39

YABU

At 8, a child doesn't realise the importance of forming relationships with a parent and extended family. You should be working hard to encourage her relationship with your ex and his family.

SillySallySingsSongs · 28/12/2018 20:40

Sorry but that's not a good enough reason to not send your child to spend time with her father.

^ this.

Im not suprised he isn't answering you. How would you feel if it was the other way around? if you say you wouldn't mind then sorry but I don't believe you

MrsG010814 · 28/12/2018 20:42

I think you need to send her and try and talk her round. It's difficult when she's saying she doesn't want to go but she's not at an age where she can decide for herself. You need to stick to the agreement until she's at an age where she can take responsibility for herself.

Tryingbutfailingmiserably · 28/12/2018 20:42

That really isnt a good enough reason IMO.

Original poster
Cath2907 · 28/12/2018 20:44

Oh bummer! I had wondered, it seems such a long way to go to visit family you saw last weekend. Certainly as an adult I wouldn’t go up and down the M6/M1 to visit the same people twice in the same week but obviously I need to rethink. Looks like I will now have to ring the grumpy git and make an arrangement then drag a grouchy kid to M6 Corley services and hand her over.

OP posts:
Tryingbutfailingmiserably · 28/12/2018 20:45

She'll probably be ok once there. Could she takes some Xmas toys with her?

Walkerbean16 · 28/12/2018 20:47

I dont think you are being unreasonable. He chose to go miles away for xmas why should you be driving about, especially if DD doesnt want too.

Allthewaves · 28/12/2018 20:50

Make it more fun for her? Suprise activity bag with some bits in for the journey. Lunch at the services (weirdly my kids love this)

Tryingbutfailingmiserably · 28/12/2018 20:51

He chose to go miles away for xmas
FFS he went to his mums!! Hmm

Original poster
Cath2907 · 28/12/2018 20:52

To be clear DD already went to ILs with hubby on 21/22/23/24th Dec and I drove halfway down to collect her. This would be second visit over the New Year weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cath2907 · 28/12/2018 20:55

We’ve travelled to ILs at Xmas, for a week in summer and at least 2 other occasions every year for the last 8 years. I’ll happily facilitate her normal visits and she went down with hubby at October half term and will be going again in Feb half term.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 28/12/2018 21:00

Tbh it sounds like a silly arrangement to have her travel up and down the country twice during the Xmas break, the pair of you would’ve been better arranging for her to just stay there a week and come back for a week so there wasn’t such a lot of travel.

Imagine if he texted you to say she didn’t want to see you. You’d be upset too. He may have more fun stuff arranged- you have no idea. She should spend time with her dad.

Missingstreetlife · 28/12/2018 21:01

It's a lot of travelling, more than he is doing

Tryingbutfailingmiserably · 28/12/2018 21:02

OP you are obviously not getting the responses you want. Your decision ultimately. You obviously dont want her to go probably because you cant be arsed with the faff of driving etc etc

blackteasplease · 28/12/2018 21:04

Sounds like a silly arrangement to me too.

OP she's your dd. Don't drag her anyway based on what strangers on the internet say. You know your dd and the situation we don't.

Original poster
Cath2907 · 28/12/2018 21:07

ILs insisted she went for the weekend before Xmas, that is the weekend we always see them at Xmas. she then came home for her usual at home Xmas day. My MIL or hubby wouldn’t have wanted the pressure of doing Xmas day for DD!

OP posts:
OhLemons · 28/12/2018 21:08

I think she should go but I don't think you should have to do half the journey twice.