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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to send DD to Dads

78 replies

Cath2907 · 28/12/2018 20:26

Hubby and I split amicably in October. I’ve offered him 2 week nights, 1 weekend night and 1 day each weekend with DD. He has only taken Fri night and Sat morning then returned DD each week. He went 180 miles down South for Xmas and took DD Fri to Mon (Xmas eve) lunchtime. I met them halfway home to collect DD and he went back to his mums. We’d talked about DD maybe going down this weekend after Xmas for a few days but DD (aged 8) doesn’t want to. I’ve told hubby she doesn’t want to come (he asked if I was bringing her half way down tomorrow). He has refused to reply (I know he read the message) so is now in a mood (his sulking was one of the reasons we split!). AIBU not to insist DD goes down to visit again?

OP posts:
MrsCBY · 28/12/2018 21:52

We’d talked about DD maybe going down this weekend after Xmas for a few days

MAYBE.

Having schlepped all that way there and back once already, the DD now doesn’t fancy doing it all again so soon, and no one in their right mind would blame her.

She can see her father as much as they both want when he comes back home. If he was really that desperate to see her more over the holidays, he would come back from his parents sooner instead of expecting her to spend FOUR days out of a two week holiday stuck in a car. Oh, and that M1/M6 trek is a fucking nightmare, for those who aren’t familiar with it. Exhausting.

Highginx · 28/12/2018 21:53

No I wouldn’t take her but I wouldn’t have agreed to that in the first place.

MrsCBY · 28/12/2018 21:54

Yy DementedO1. The DD should have a say in this. It’s not mandated contact time, not part of the normal routine, but a possible extra arrangement that doesn’t work for her after all.

wannabestressfree · 28/12/2018 21:54

@70sbaubles what a horrible thing to say. Regardless of my relationship with my sons father I would consider myself a failure If I didn't make sure I did everything in my power to nurture theirs with him.

She will be tired. She can sleep in the car. Don't look here for validation. Maybe be honest with exh and admit you have made a mistake and apologise.

Original poster
Cath2907 · 28/12/2018 21:58

She won’t sleep in the car!!! She hasn’t done that for years. He certainly can come home if he wants to see her more. I won’t ask her to explain herself to her Dad and argue with him - that is unfair. She shouldn’t get drawn into arguments between us.

OP posts:
wheneverythinggoestitsup · 28/12/2018 22:05

@Cath2907
So how would you feel if it was the other way around?
Say she goes this weekend with dad and when she's due to come back Monday dad says she's said she doesn't want to?

BrendasUmbrella · 28/12/2018 22:10

It's too much travel for her. Contact is for the child's benefit. If it's more to her benefit to stay and play with her cousins rather than spend two days on the motorway, do that.

If he's so keen to spend time with her, perhaps he could take you/her up on the offer of weeknights from now on.

BrendasUmbrella · 28/12/2018 22:12

Or perhaps if contact with his daughter is his priority over everything else, he could come back home and spend time with her there?

Original poster
Cath2907 · 28/12/2018 22:27

They were a day late coming back up October half term because DD wanted to stay at ILs longer. Hubby let me know - it wasn’t a big issue.

OP posts:
HirooOnoda · 28/12/2018 22:32

@Cath2907

Of course YABU Hmm

I think it’s really quite dangerous to not only discourage but actively prevent fathers from attempting to fulfill their duty as a responsible father. Also, since when are we actively listening to what a child wants at the age of eight to determine major decisions in their life, that is the role of responsible parents

Sadly too many fathers (and occasionally mothers) do not carry out the things they should do as a parent - they are rightly lambasted for it. This however does mean that you cannot prevent a parent, mother or father, from seeing their children, for the benefit of the child in question and nobody else

CheshireChat · 28/12/2018 22:39

I'd say no if she's really tired, but offer him extra time after.

Pissedoffdotcom · 28/12/2018 22:41

So, at 8 she doesn't get a say in EXTRA visits to people she has just seen? Despite it being long days spent in the car? Yeah right.
If seeing her is that important tell him to get his arse home. It isn't like you're cutting all ties with him or she is refusing to ever see him again. She doesn't want to sit in a car for the equivalent of two days.

KittensAndChristmasCake · 28/12/2018 23:13

I see dads as an optional parent, not a full time fixture.

Jeez, bitter much?

Op I think it's a hell of a long journey to do twice in one holiday, can't his mum do the journey to visit him for New Year?

lazymare · 28/12/2018 23:35

If he wants to see her that much he can come home.

Thewifipasswordis · 28/12/2018 23:41

I wouldn't have agreed it in the first place. What poor planning and a miserable few days for an 8yr old. I'd say no to sending her and suggest it's a lesson learnt and that you start taking turns. One has christmas the other has NYE. Dont try and split both.

FOTTOSOFTFOSM · 28/12/2018 23:47

I think one level no journey is enough. I'd have said he took her if he was back home but I wouldn't do the epic drive twice in a week. Why did you even suggest it?

Tryingbutfailingmiserably · 28/12/2018 23:54

I see dads as an optional parent, not a full time fixture

Just staggering.

SillySallySingsSongs · 28/12/2018 23:55

I think the importance of relationships with dads is vastly overrated.

I see dads as an optional parent, not a full time fixture.

Well aren't you a GF.

Serin · 29/12/2018 00:08

Poor kid, that sounds exhausting.
She is a person in her own right, you both need to listen to what she is saying and take her wishes into account when you plan future activities.
Otherwise you are all going to end up resentful.

Kaleela · 29/12/2018 00:54

I don't think this is your issue, the Dad has decided to spend the time further away so he should be discussing it with DD and enforcing it/allowing her to stay with you.

Lovingbenidorm · 29/12/2018 00:59

I’m all for encouraging contact with her father, but the poor kid is up and down the road like a tarts knickers.

70sbaubles · 29/12/2018 07:38

Not Gf its just from my experiences as a kid and adult. If you get a great dad its brilliant. But loads of kids dont and the mother raises them well. Not often so the other way around.

Flowerpot2005 · 29/12/2018 08:36

Totally unfair arrangement that's been made with no thought for how DC would feel. All that travel is ridiculous.

He needs to come if he'd like more time with DD.

Missingstreetlife · 30/12/2018 03:10

70s this is not the point, it's not about you
This father has pr, but presumably he can be reasonable

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 30/12/2018 03:39

Jesus christ, sorry, some of the replies, are just wow, as that kid from a divorced family and now seeing my god children being innthat situation too. I can't imagine having a mother like 70s wow give your head a wobble dear. Of course dads are important. And yes growing up i had two homes both of which i felt fairoy loved in (long story but at least i was given the opportunity) my god children have a wonderful father, he wasn't a great husband to their mother, but has always been a brilliant dad.

My mum sometimes wonders if she did the right thing i had a school friend whos mother cut the father out, she wonders if it would have been easier (especially as both my brother and i are NC with our dad) my response is no, because had she it would have been her we were angry towards, depriving us of our dad.

Any way op, none of that was aimed at you as you seem to be encouraging the relationship and visa versa, your situation is difficult, i'm not sure it was a partically good arramgement to make, how firm was the arrangement? If it was a firm one i think your going to have to stick to it. Although it doesnt seem massively fair, as you get less of the holudays than him this way. Maybe split tje holiday directly in half next year rather than her having to tracel and swap over twice.

I agree at 8, a simple i just dont want to go its more fun here isnf a good enough reason, because yeah she'll probably enjiy it when shes there. But then as shes seen him and the family already thus holiday. I can kind of see thatvshe just wants to ve settled.