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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to send DD to Dads

78 replies

Cath2907 · 28/12/2018 20:26

Hubby and I split amicably in October. I’ve offered him 2 week nights, 1 weekend night and 1 day each weekend with DD. He has only taken Fri night and Sat morning then returned DD each week. He went 180 miles down South for Xmas and took DD Fri to Mon (Xmas eve) lunchtime. I met them halfway home to collect DD and he went back to his mums. We’d talked about DD maybe going down this weekend after Xmas for a few days but DD (aged 8) doesn’t want to. I’ve told hubby she doesn’t want to come (he asked if I was bringing her half way down tomorrow). He has refused to reply (I know he read the message) so is now in a mood (his sulking was one of the reasons we split!). AIBU not to insist DD goes down to visit again?

OP posts:
Debfronut · 28/12/2018 21:09

I am not with the majority here. I feel the child's wishes should be taken into account. Its her Christmas break too. Yes she needs a relationship with him but its not like she is saying she never wants to go she just wants to have her holiday at home playing with her cousins. I would not make her go the idea is abhorrent to me to force a child to go to see her grandparents again because if she enjoyed it the first time she would have wanted to go again. Its not the same as one on one with her dad. Children need to have some control when parents split up they are not pawn pieces for parents to move about at will.

70sbaubles · 28/12/2018 21:09

I think the importance of relationships with dads is vastly overrated. She's at home, happy. You wouldn't send her on a long holiday journey 4 days after returning, its too much. He can see her when he gets back, her home is at yours

UserName31456789 · 28/12/2018 21:11

I agree that unless there's a very good reason she should probably go. What if she goes to her dad's one time is having a ball and doesn't want to go home? I think it's one thing to ask and be flexible but if the other parent has plans you have to stick to the schedule.

Tryingbutfailingmiserably · 28/12/2018 21:12

I think the importance of relationships with dads is vastly overrated
Hmm

adaline · 28/12/2018 21:13

I think the importance of relationships with dads is vastly overrated. She's at home, happy. You wouldn't send her on a long holiday journey 4 days after returning, its too much. He can see her when he gets back, her home is at yours

Disgusting.

Doyoumind · 28/12/2018 21:13

She celebrated Christmas with you. It's fair she sees her dad to celebrate the new year.

MrsCBY · 28/12/2018 21:14

People are talking out of their arses saying YABU. Of course you’re not. Driving up and down the country like that, there and back, and there and back again after only a few days - what kind of a holiday is that? Kids are knackered after the long autumn/winter term and they need a rest. Two more long days in the car are NOT restful.

Plus, as you say, she’s having fun with her cousins, and this second weekend was only ever a maybe, not a firm plan. Don’t put her through it. He chose to bugger off down there for Xmas. Don’t ruin her holidays because of him. Let him sulk. At least you don’t have to live with him any more!

Seriously, your DD deserves better than you giving in to this crap because some randoms on the Internet say you should. Trust your instincts.

adaline · 28/12/2018 21:15

People are talking out of their arses saying YABU. Of course you’re not. Driving up and down the country like that, there and back, and there and back again after only a few days - what kind of a holiday is that?

So what if it was the other way around? Dad didn't want to take her back to her mum because she was having too much fun and he couldn't be bothered with all the driving? Hmm

Missingstreetlife · 28/12/2018 21:16

Fair to who? Let him have extra time when he is back, or let him come back early

70sbaubles · 28/12/2018 21:19

The driving is his choice. He could choose to stay home at NY. He wants it both ways. My kids are exhausted after term finished. They wouldn't want dragging round the country once, let alone twice. There's a lot to be said for being at 'home'.

Singlenotsingle · 28/12/2018 21:20

Poor kid. Is this going to be the pattern for the future? Spending half her life on the motorway being shuttled backwards and forwards umpteen times a week? She'll soon come to resent her df if she's forced to go!

Missingstreetlife · 28/12/2018 21:20

Let him sulk, that is not negotiating. It need not bother you anymore

winsinbin · 28/12/2018 21:26

Talk to DD. Come up with a compromise such as an extra day next time or something and make him an offer. If her relationship with her dad fizzles out now she will probably regret it later. Don’t let your irritation at his sulking come between them.

adaline · 28/12/2018 21:27

Poor kid. Is this going to be the pattern for the future? Spending half her life on the motorway being shuttled backwards and forwards umpteen times a week? She'll soon come to resent her df if she's forced to go!

RTFT. Her dad is at his mum's for a while and she's visiting him there. Presumably normal contact is at his house which is much closer to OP.

Original poster
Cath2907 · 28/12/2018 21:30

He will be back up here after new year and DD will go back to seeing him as often as he cares to. I am away for work mid jan so she can stay with him all week if he wants (if he doesn’t she can stay with my parents as the dog already will as hubby never wants to look after him).

OP posts:
Redglitter · 28/12/2018 21:32

I think the importance of relationships with dads is vastly overrated

You have got to be kidding!!

70sbaubles · 28/12/2018 21:35

Why red?

TORDEVAN · 28/12/2018 21:36

I think YANBU and as she went last weekend I would respect her wishes. It is a lot of travel in just over a week and forcing her to go may start her harbouring resentment for your exH/ILs (speaking from experience).
If you let her choose to not go through you should make it clear it's because she went last weekend

70sbaubles · 28/12/2018 21:37

I see dads as an optional parent, not a full time fixture. Prob down to experience. Imo the mother is the first and most important parent and her home is the childs home. None of this you have 2 homes.

Honeyroar · 28/12/2018 21:37

70sBaubles is correct- children are possessions that belong to their mothers. Nasty sperm doners wanting a say in their lives!!

KnightlyMyMan · 28/12/2018 21:38

Would you find it acceptable if he hadn’t returned her to you on the basis that she didn’t want to go?

How come if he moved her into his house and said she was to live with him full time now as she ‘wanted to’, would you be ok with that?

🤔 NO ofc you wouldn’t, you’d say ‘she’s 8 and I’m her mum give her back or I’ll call the police’

😡 so many women think children ‘belong’ to them and it’s one rule for them and another for fathers!

Send her back to her dad!

adaline · 28/12/2018 21:41

I see dads as an optional parent, not a full time fixture. Prob down to experience. Imo the mother is the first and most important parent and her home is the childs home. None of this you have 2 homes.

So if you have sons, you think it's okay for them to be optional fixtures in the lives of their children and grandchildren?

DementedO1 · 28/12/2018 21:41

I wouldn't send her. My DD is 10 but even at 8 had a voice. She's only got 2 weeks off school. It's not unreasonable of her to not want to spend 2 of those days traveling when she's already spent 2 doing it. She likely wants to play with her stuff, surely her dad can see that. Maybe if she spoke to him herself though as he might listen better to her than you.

Redglitter · 28/12/2018 21:45

Well IMO Dad's and their relationships with their children are equally important to the relationship with their Mum. In fact many people ate closer to their Dads than their Mums.

To say the mums house is their only home is ridiculous.

wheneverythinggoestitsup · 28/12/2018 21:49

Some of the replies here.
The amount of times my stepson has not wanted to go back to his mums- imagine if my DH posted on here saying was he BU to keep him as he didn't wanna go back.

Not a change he'd get these responses.