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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The most difficult thing.. When do I accept this [Please note, thread concerns sexual abuse]

82 replies

thefinn · 28/12/2018 14:46

I don't know if this should go under relationships or this, but I want fast opinions. So my parents divorced when my siblings and I were little, primary school age. Dm found this man, who abused me.. sexually. I couldn't tell my mum when this went on. I was age 16 and very naive about boys.. i got the courage to finally tell when I think 15 to 18 months of the torture had passed. After totally blowing up, and separating my mum made up with him. Christmas brings this to surface to me. I try to find it in me to forget forget and forgive. But nothing is, and I now do realise.. never will be like it once was. Why does this bring me down every xmas time... and the older i get .. how was this ever forgivable? Sorry about this rambling aibu. I know i am not.. but how do I feel normal around my own family again?

OP posts:
thethoughtfox · 28/12/2018 14:47

It's not forgivable and you don't have to forgive. I'm so sorry.

Original poster
thefinn · 28/12/2018 14:47

Peace is all I want but I end up feeling drained after just a few hours with them everytime. Thanks if someone has experience or opinion.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 28/12/2018 14:48

How old are you now?
Are you expected to go home and see them both?

Would you be brave enough to report him?

Thehop · 28/12/2018 14:49

I’m so so sorry. This wasn’t your fault, and I’d really recommend speaking to your go and accessing some counselling

Thehop · 28/12/2018 14:49

How do you feel about going to the police?

cardibach · 28/12/2018 14:50

Don’t spend time with them. This is amongst the best reasons for going non-contact with a parent I have ever heard.

posthistoricmonsters · 28/12/2018 14:50

So your abuser, after a reconciliation, is back with your mother?

Not on.

Do you think you could ever muster the strength to report him?

Butchyrestingface · 28/12/2018 14:51

Have you had counselling to work through some of the issues around this? Flowers

Does forgiving him (and presumably, your mother) matter to you? You don't have to forgive either of them, obviously. Forgiveness is often held up as something that benefits the forgiver rather than the forgiven (who may not care). But if you were to park that for the moment, and say, "I can't forgive right now so I'm not going to try", would that perhaps relieve some of the pressure?

TinyBarista · 28/12/2018 14:52

Agree with Thehop - please do get some support with this OP, and don't forget that the blame and shame are not yours. So sorry you've had to go through this.

Sparklesocks · 28/12/2018 14:52

You don’t have to forgive anything. She let you down.

Butchyrestingface · 28/12/2018 14:53

Peace is all I want but I end up feeling drained after just a few hours with them everytime.

Ah, didn't realise you meant you were still seeing them. Do you want to see them?

TheDarkPassenger · 28/12/2018 14:55

You don’t owe her your forgiveness and you certainly don’t owe him!
They’re draining you, they’re messing with your head, cut them off!

I’m absolutely disgusted at your mother

Original poster
thefinn · 28/12/2018 14:55

Yes they even married after this. Long after. I went to therapy for five years and I can finally just be my own person, and be me. I am 35 soon now. But only when with them, playing happy families and after all work I did with myself in therapy... this is the one thing I can't do. My mum thinks this was a "terrible terrible mistake" and blames only him but... I just visit them on birthdays and christmases. Lots of hugs to everyone who posted. Never thought I would be brave enough to talk about this anywhere. Even anonymous forum xxx

OP posts:
Waddsup12 · 28/12/2018 14:56

Nope, you don't have to forgive. I'd probably be more for getting help and/or justice.

www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/signs-symptoms-effects/non-recent-abuse/

VictoriaBun · 28/12/2018 14:56

Yes I'm another suggesting you could go to the police. If your mother separated from him at the time due to the abuse you suffered, did he admit it at the time / and or did your mother tell / seek help from anyone ?
I would also question visiting them at this time of the year ( or any time really ) if it affects your mental health. What happened to you was wrong and your mother was wrong to go back to him. Protect yourself.

Rubbishwillruinus · 28/12/2018 14:57

What????

How could she ever want to be near that monster again?

Don't visit them. Go No Contact (that's the first time I've ever said that on here) and tell them why!

KMoKMo · 28/12/2018 14:57

I’m so sorry OP. You say she ‘made up with him.’ Is that how she has explained it? Sorry but you don’t make up with someone who sexually abused your child. Did she believe you and support you? Apologies if I’m wrong but it sounds as though he has convinced her you made it all up.
Do you have anyone to talk to? People who believe you? As PPs have said please find some support and work through your feelings around this. It’s ok to never see either of them again. Your mum has completely betrayed you.

Waddsup12 · 28/12/2018 14:57

Therapy isn't about becoming perfect.

It's more that you get better at dealing with the issues. If the issue is still there, smack in your face, you'd have to be a saint to forgive and I think it's too much for anyone.

Rubbishwillruinus · 28/12/2018 14:59

A terrible mistake? She's nuts.

Certainly go NC and don't let either of them near any children of your own.

BuffaloCauliflower · 28/12/2018 14:59

Bless you, no it’s not forgivable, him or your mother, and you absolutely shouldn’t have to see him. How old are you now? Have you ever spoken to the police about this - you are under no obligation to do so but it might help you?

HowlsMovingBungalow · 28/12/2018 15:01

I have experience of this thefinn Flowers

I had extensive therapy including months of abuse specific counselling.

During my 3rd breakdown, I reported the historic abuse ( I was in my twenties) He was arrested and it went to court.

You don't have to see your abuser, or your disgusting mother.

I'd get some counselling so you have a safe space to let it all out and to see if you want to report your abuse.

Thinking of you lovely, you ARE strong and brave to share your story on here.

KMoKMo · 28/12/2018 15:02

I think you need to explain to her how you feel. It wasn’t a ‘terrible mistake’. It was conscious predatory systematic abuse of a child.
Please consider reporting it, particularly if this monster has access to any other young children.

HappyHedgehog247 · 28/12/2018 15:02

I’m so sorry this happened to you and admire your courage in dealing with it in therapy and posting here. I’m not surprised being around them drains you, what a horrid thing to have to deal with at what should be special times of the year xx

BuffaloCauliflower · 28/12/2018 15:02

Sorry OP I posted without seeing your update. I certainly wouldn’t go anywhere near him and would expect your mum to see you without him in places of your choosing. You absolutely shouldn’t be expected to be playing happy families. You would be justified not seeing your mother either, she has betrayed you. I wonder if he’s abusive towards her as well?

HappyHedgehog247 · 28/12/2018 15:02

What would you like to happen?