The most difficult thing.. When do I accept this [Please note, thread concerns sexual abuse]

[thefinn]

I don't know if this should go under relationships or this, but I want fast opinions. So my parents divorced when my siblings and I were little, primary school age. Dm found this man, who abused me.. sexually. I couldn't tell my mum when this went on. I was age 16 and very naive about boys.. i got the courage to finally tell when I think 15 to 18 months of the torture had passed. After totally blowing up, and separating my mum made up with him. Christmas brings this to surface to me. I try to find it in me to forget forget and forgive. But nothing is, and I now do realise.. never will be like it once was. Why does this bring me down every xmas time... and the older i get .. how was this ever forgivable? Sorry about this rambling aibu. I know i am not.. but how do I feel normal around my own family again?

Yes, exactly.. the times when you can't avoid them. Or if you can you have to make it clear(er) X

I'm glad you posted. I think you'll find there are many people the same as you who don't talk about it. Whose family has brushed it under the carpet. I hope hearing from others helps you figure out what you would like to do.

I think what is most important is for you to realise it is not you who has tore the family apart. It was him and your mother with her actions afterwards. And perhaps best for everyone if you let them know too. I'm glad you have your husbands support.

I believe your mother had minimised this to the rest of the family and normalised it to your other family members. You need to let them know you will not spend any time with this man (use words like rapist or paedophile) and they can see you separate from him if they wish but you would like no mention of this.

The reason I've said to use those words are to make people think about what he has done. It may have been minimised as flirting with a 16 year old when he was drunk or something of the sorts. You need to let people know the truth of the matter.

The other way to do this would be to contact the police which I understand you may not be ready to do.

So if people ask, why didn't you go to siblings 30th party...She chose to invite my rapist over me. Why are you not going to your mum's for Christmas....She married a paedophile who sexually abused me.

If your family don't want to see you because they don't want to face the truth of it all then let them. But you have done nothing wrong.

OP, for context/contrast:
My brother lived with my parents. My kids had sleepovers there. One day my dd told me he had been sexually abusing her for months in these occasions (8months after it stopped), he was arrested and admitted it, was charged and jailed (not for long unfortunately). My parents, while agreeing totally that it was wrong and were devastated for dd, supported him at court, visited, and still want a relationship with him.

I have completely cut contact with them and while it's been devastating for dd to know they've chosen to support him over fully supporting her (they cannot do both, it's one of the other) cutting contact has been a godsend for our sanity and emotional wellbeing.

I cannot imagine as a mother, even for a second, wanting to keep any kind of contact with someone who abused my child, or supports them, no matter who they are to me, and I'm so sorry your mother has not protected you in the same way.

One piece of advice our SW gave was that anyone who supports a child abuser is under their "power and influence" and should never be trusted to look after my dc unsupervised. I strongly believe this. As harsh as it sounds, your mum doesn't really support you if she is with him and honestly, I would cut ties. I can't believe she expects you to be around him. Sorry OP, sorry this has happened and is still happening for you x

OP you have been so brave posting here and I am so impressed with how you have presented yourself.

Your mother has unrealistic expectations. It is not your responsibility. Really, these family occasions should include you but not your mother's husband, but I can imagine they won't respect you enough to go that way.

You should be able to be in charge of the relationships with your family. I would honestly only do what is comfortable for you. This is not a "forgive and forget" situation.

My brother lived with my parents. My kids had sleepovers there. One day my dd told me he had been sexually abusing her for months in these occasions (8months after it stopped), he was arrested and admitted it, was charged and jailed (not for long unfortunately). My parents, while agreeing totally that it was wrong and were devastated for dd, supported him at court, visited, and still want a relationship with him.

Ugh... that is beyond any words. Well done for cutting contact and that it has worked for you. But still I wish you and daughter every strength and hope that nothing lasting became of it. Although you never know. My own feelings have surprised me. I just hope so much noone has to go through this... while knowing many will. You are a great mum and there is nothing these people can give to your dd that would come near/ouweigh to how you fought for her. And she is forever safe. So sorry that these people get away with what they do.

Sending you lots of love OP. You said you spoke to the police. Can I ask how long ago that was? It is a huge decision and only one you can make, but things may have changed since you last spoke to them. I reported the man that abused me a few years ago. The criminal justice system is slow but I hope to get justice. At the very least he is being held accountable for his behaviour.

[Ledehe] your post really resonates with me and you have described this much more eloquently than me. My brother who I am NC with took exception to me describing my father as paedophile and rapist... How else do you describe someone who forces their young daughter to have sex? For me, it has been empowering to say that I am not accepting any more their shit and I am happier without some of them.

[Lostbeyondwords] I am sorry sorry to hear about what happened to your DD. I wish my mother had had the strength to look after me like you have done with your DD. You sound like a very strong and brave parent.

[thefinn] good luck for the future.

I spoke to the police when I was 19? I guess and they recommended me not to take it further only because extensive testimony and reliving it all is the only way to get him convicted. The police themselves called me back a few years after that saying the laws have changed. Thanks for all your support and sadly, even worse stories. I now know I don't have to be prepared to take this, and be like nothing ever happened. It has already affected so many parts of my life. Why are mumsnetters called vipers I don't know. Only ever gotten support. If I didn't answer someone's questions... sorry. My siblings know but I don't want to bring it back. They understood enough at the time. I remember my younger sis apologizing for playing outside too much.. too much not to notice. That was sad.

OP you have shown your strength by posting on here and throughout your subsequent posts.

Your DM is within the influence of an abuser - he has minimised this and gaslighted her to such an extent that she continued in her relationship with him.
I think this is a self protection instinct, if they were to really believe that it had happened and truly appreciate the impact of that then she’d have to accept her part in it all - bringing him into your life, leaving you unsupervised, whatever, and that is too painful.

You can’t control this. You can’t control who influences her or how she reaches her opinion or the reasons why and you are not responsible for thus. All you can do is keep yourself emotionally safe.
A PP talked about the power of naming what he is and what he did, i agree with this 10000%. This will also help because he will be minimising this to everyone.
You do NOT have to spend any time at all with her. You can decide which circumstances, if any you allow her to spend time with you, I think some time NC is a good idea.
Perhaps revisit counselling.

You're right. My counsellor told me to get in touch any time if I should need it. Been really feeling down after xmas with them. He caused a scene putting my mum down and it all came back. I will contact her again and let them be for a while. thank you. I don't know why I always somehow end up thinking I am failing. Thanks so much for every response, but I know I need to talk to a professional again and they can f off with family time.

Me and you share the same story OP.

You absoulately don't have to forgive. What they both did was wrong.

You sound amazing OP. I cannot believe your MUM, who is supposed to be the one to love and protect you the most in the world, married this vile excuse of a human being.

There fact that you can even hold a conversation with her is such a testament to your strength.

I really wish you peace and happiness for the future and also to the other PP's who have also been brave enough to post their stories 💐

@thefinn I it through with an advocate at rape crisis before deciding to report. They were amazing. They gave me the facts. I could talk through the options with them and the possible outcomes and how I would feel about it. They did not put any pressure on me, it was completely my decision. They arranged for a specialist officer to come out to take my initial statement and then came with me to the police station when I made my formal statement. They video recorded it and it will be played In court so I only had to say it once. They have been with me every step of the way and will be with me at court,

I don't know how long ago it was when you reported it (they will have records though so that is all evidence). Things have changed a lot since Jimmy Saville and they are taking historic abuse much more seriously.

It has been the hardest thing I have ever done but I do not regret reporting it for one minute. I need to try.

Given he has already admitted it you may not even need to go to court. But I understand it is an individual decision. I didn't ever think I would get to this point where I felt able to report it. You have to do what feels right for you. And that includes having boundaries and no contact with him.

Abuse in families thrives on people like my parents and your mum, who want to brush it under the carpet and carry on so there are no consequences. If you have dc I missed that part, but if you don't currently, can you imagine one day letting them babysit? I would think probably not, and if it's not an acceptable situation for you to put your own child in, it's not good enough for you either. Your sanity is more important that anyone else's feelings. You never have to accept being around him, don't ever let anyone make you feel like you should, you are worth more than that. Anyone is. You're not failing, you're in a shitty situation trying your best

Agree with the police being very supportive.
Things have changed in the 20 yrs since I filed a report, in a way I wished I hadn't reported in the 90's as it was still very much a new 'crime' in the court system.

Now the courts/judges are more educated on how abuse effects survivors forever.

Good.

The police also have specially trained officers. SOIT officers. My SOIT officer took my formal statement and has supported me throughout the process.

No we have no dc, and that's the only thing my mum is grudgingly accepting, that there will never be contact if we have any. Well easy for her to say now surely she'd try but no way I'd ever risk it.Again thanks, and so sorry for all of you who have had to deal with similar.Perfectly said that abuse thrives on these people.

• alone contact with eventual dc and him. My siblings agree and am sure my mum is blaming me for that as well. But it's insane to risk it.

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As a victim of this kind of abuse, I completely & utterly disagree with going to the Police at this stage OP.

That will cause events to be brought about that you are not ready to deal with emotionally & has the power to destroy what peace you have managed to build for yourself.

Go back to therapy, work out what it is that still affects you, my guess is your mums a huge part in this too. Little steps OP, please don't embark on a course of action that you seriously cannot handle.

No-one has suggested the op goes to the police.
We have given our experiences if we have dealt with the police and court system regarding historic abuse.This could help those survivors of abuse reading and not posting who want to know about those that have taken their abusers to court.

There is no and hard fast rule in what to take.

Most of posters have suggested more therapy is the way forward for the OP get clarity during this tough time.

Your mum is vile. If I were you I’d cut all ties. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

He is still a risk to children. If convicted he would be on a register and monitored however loosely. That might bring it home to your family, or perhaps not. I hope he is not in contact with children, but that not a reason for you to proceed if you don't want to.
Do what you need to do for your own wellbeing, if your mother can't understand that seeing him, and them together makes you ill then keep away. Live your own life, I hope you have support. Respect to all these fabulous survivors

howismoving

Is your response in relation to mine? If so, The police have been mentioned. I'm giving my option as everyone else has & don't need a lecture post from you.

Honestly if I EVER let back someone who abused my daughter (though hell would freeze over before I did that) I'd expect her to abandon me and for others to judge me.

Do the rest of the family know? He he abuse your siblings too? I'm so sorry your Mum isn't supportive of you. 💐