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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The most difficult thing.. When do I accept this [Please note, thread concerns sexual abuse]

82 replies

thefinn · 28/12/2018 14:46

I don't know if this should go under relationships or this, but I want fast opinions. So my parents divorced when my siblings and I were little, primary school age. Dm found this man, who abused me.. sexually. I couldn't tell my mum when this went on. I was age 16 and very naive about boys.. i got the courage to finally tell when I think 15 to 18 months of the torture had passed. After totally blowing up, and separating my mum made up with him. Christmas brings this to surface to me. I try to find it in me to forget forget and forgive. But nothing is, and I now do realise.. never will be like it once was. Why does this bring me down every xmas time... and the older i get .. how was this ever forgivable? Sorry about this rambling aibu. I know i am not.. but how do I feel normal around my own family again?

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 28/12/2018 15:03

You dont accept it.

LordNibbler · 28/12/2018 15:05

I honestly do not know how your mother can face you, look you in the eye after such a betrayal. What kind of woman marries the man who abused her daughter. Most of us would want to kill him, but settle on dragging his sorry arse through the courts.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 28/12/2018 15:05

And yes, you never accept it.

Does your abuser have access to children?

Outwards · 28/12/2018 15:06

Hi OP.

I've also got abuse in my history and I'm sorry to say I understand somewhat. It takes huge courage even to post on here Flowers

It wasn't my DM's partner but it was another family member who hurt me.

Everyone is different and there's no wrong or right way to deal with a situation like this. My DM refuses to believe the truth, so...the way I cope is no contact whatsoever with the abuser, and very low contact with DM.

I find Xmas and birthdays hard and for a few years now it helps me NOT to see DM or other family related to the abuser anywhere near those times, so I can relax and have memories not tainted by them.

It's about what you are comfortable with. You do not have to forgive or forget, your responsibility is for yourself only.

Would seeing your DM on her own, out in town for a coffee for example, feel less draining?

Contact should be entirely on your terms and please don't feel you have to do anything to keep anyone else happy. X

Original poster
thefinn · 28/12/2018 15:06

Yes I have plenty of support. It's a thing that is still dividing the wider family. He came clean, which was a surprise, immediately and got some "help" but I have no details about it. I did speak to a police and a very frustrated psychiatrist.. who thought no one should be able to remain free after all that. But it was purely my decision not to take it further. I would love to go NC with them and have done. It's just the big event's.. a sibling's 30th coming up.. birthdays and xmas that I have wanted to still be apart of the family. It's so hard. I am gobsmacked at my mum mainly. She thinks this was terrible but you can brush it aside as any other.. "fall out"

OP posts:
CatnissEverdene · 28/12/2018 15:06

You don't ever have to forgive or forget. What your mother did is inexcusable.

I honestly think you should talk to a professional about this, perhaps start with your GP. And think about reporting - he could still be doing it, especially if there are other teenage girls in the family.

You made a really brave step posting here Flowers

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 28/12/2018 15:09

Hi OP what an awful situation. Nobody would be OK with seeing their abuser or walking past them in the street so to have to spend time with them is horrific and it is awful that your mum has put you in this position. Would she still see you by yourself?

jessstan2 · 28/12/2018 15:10

I'm so sorry for you op Flowers.

It's beyond me how your mother got back with him, frankly. Or why anyone in the family has anything to do with him, never mind you who sits in his presence at family gatherings. I would not do that.

Please do avoid this man and have some counselling. x

HowlsMovingBungalow · 28/12/2018 15:12

My abuser came clean too, and then my mum and him gave me the option to go to the police at the age of 11yrs old ( they made sure they told me it would likely result in me being taken into care )

My mother continued the relationship until I was in my teens.

It is hard to explain how much a mother staying with a sex offender completely destroys your core.

Original poster
thefinn · 28/12/2018 15:14

@Outwards .. wow I can see truly you know how this is like. I still will never ever have an idea how it is when your dm doesn't believe you- if mine hadn't I'd be dead. so nmany hugs.

And thank you all... this was the hardest post.. after my first one was featured on the fail... again about her saying "too old anyway" at being a mum at 34. Love you all.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 28/12/2018 15:14

God how horrible for you. Particularly awful that your mother went on to marry him and sees what he did as a "terrible mistake" it must be absolute torture being around him.

I know you want to be part of the family still, I understand that but I honestly think going NC with your mum and this man is the only way. That includes not attending other family members birthdays etc. You can still see everyone else at other times. Just stay away from functions where your mum and this man will be.

Wish you well OP. Flowers

thisisjustdaft · 28/12/2018 15:14

Not only was his behaviour inexcusable at the time, you mother's behaviour was inexcusable then, and remains so.

If anyone ever abuses my daughter, I'll kill him with my bare hands.

Original poster
thefinn · 28/12/2018 15:18

answer to all you lovely posters.. each and every one. Yes I meet mum rarely one on one but she drags the subject back to how we get the family back together= me spending normal amount of time with them again. And i have forgiven. I don't feel hate. Just that i have been realising whatever is said or done... the family isn't the same. I wish them all the best but neither Dh or me feel relaxed with them. I can't change that. :/

OP posts:
Gth1234 · 28/12/2018 15:19

@OP. You are definitely better off keeping away. If it means you don't see your mum, then so be it. She's rejected you anyway, by reconciling with this chap. Are you single? If not, I hope you have told your partner. This is the sort of thing that is best not bottled up inside you. Good luck.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 28/12/2018 15:22

Your mum is putting so much on to you expecting you to forget and just be one big happy family. He ruined that and it's not down to you to make it "all better". You can't brush what he did under the carpet.

Have a trial of not seeing him or going to there house, see if this makes any difference to how you feel. It may not but I think it's worth a try.

Ellie56 · 28/12/2018 15:23

I can't believe your mother went on to marry this vile excuse for a human being. Angry She is not fit to be a mother and you certainly don't have to forgive either of them.

Maybe you should consider prosecuting now? Does anyone else in the family know what he did?

99point9FahrenheitDegrees · 28/12/2018 15:23

Similar set up. NC was the best thing I ever did.

thecatsabsentcojones · 28/12/2018 15:26

That's an utterly hideous situation for you. We are just getting over the hell of finding out that one of our friends is a paedophile. All I can say is that we now know how utterly manipulative they are. I'm not excusing your mum for anything but I imagine she's probably quite weak and the man who abused you can tell her the sun is green and she will agree.

Personally I can see two sides, one is that you go no contact with your mum - or you say that you're prepared to see her but not with him. In the circumstances that'd be incredibly generous of you. Her judgement is appalling.

winsinbin · 28/12/2018 15:28

I (sort of) understand why you want to maintain contact with your mum despite her failing you so horribly but am at a loss to understand why you should be expected to spend any time at all with your abuser. I would stick to seeing your mum one on one only and cut her off if she starts on getting the ‘family’ back together. Tell her very clearly ‘he is not my family, he is my abuser’ and that forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting.

If that really can’t be done I would definitely, absolutely refuse to visit at Christmas or on your birthday. Be very clear that you want to enjoy those special days and being with him is not enjoyable.

Good

category12 · 28/12/2018 15:37

I couldn't accept this, ever. I'm so sorry Flowers.

I wouldn't be able to forgive my mother.

GodrestyemerrySchadenfreud · 28/12/2018 15:38

It is hard to explain how much a mother staying with a sex offender completely destroys your core.

THIS ^

The person a child should most be able to rely on to protect them, betrays them in the most painful way possible.

finn - only you can decide what is best for your mental (and physical) health in the long run. That you don't feel the need to take revenge may be because in may ways you have come to terms with the abuse and betrayal - or it may be that you are so deeply traumatised that you still don't feel (subconsciously) that you have the "right" to see him punished.

Perhaps if you went NC for a year or so - met other family members but not your sorry excuse for a mother, and not your vile abuser - to see if it brought you some peace, it might help.

And if your mother talks about " how we get the family back together= me spending normal amount of time with them again" - tell her it will happen when she chucks that piece of filth out!

Does he have access to other children? Your nieces or nephews? Are your siblings aware of what he did? Do they accept him?

Your courage is amazing! While I respect your decision not to go to court, I feel that you might have sublimated your own needs in order to try to have a "family" life with your mother and siblings. It's very hard for you to get enough distance to see what you yourself need while he is still in your life - even peripherally.

StillNumb · 28/12/2018 15:40

Dear OP, I am sorry to read about what happened to you. I was sexually abused by father for many years, and my mother found out on a number of occasions and did nothing. She believed him every time when he said it wouldn't happen again.

I kept in contact with them for many years because I was scared of not having an extended family, of what other people would think about me etc. Things came to a head earlier this year and I broke off contact with my parentss and one brother. My father died a few months after that.

For me, it has been the best thing I could ever have done. I have had a few very tough months, but I am feeling the most peaceful I have done for as long as I can remember.

I hope you get some resolution and peace in your life xx

Original poster
thefinn · 28/12/2018 15:43

Flowers Thanks so much all. It really is hard. And I'm terribly sorry for anyone, and it seems a lot of people have something like this to deal with. I have told my mum we need to have a talk. I can forgive but now thanks to you all in a large part, I have to confidence to say that she made her choice, and any future meetings are on my terms. I seriously felt like cmon after all these years. But the memories don't fade away. I wish I could magically make them go away. Lots of love to everyone who commented and who unfortunately have some personal connection to any of the things of this nature. It destroys families. And certainly mental health.

OP posts:
Original poster
thefinn · 28/12/2018 15:46

StillNumb.. I feel I can't even imagine. This man only ruined xmas.. nothing to do with what I wrote about. And I still feel like finally, enough is enough.

OP posts:
HowlsMovingBungalow · 28/12/2018 15:47

Christmas/birthdays/life events are always the hardest for survivors, I guess it is the realisation that we didn't and don't have the parents that should've protected us when we were children
It is fucking hard to accept that year in and out even with all counselling one recieves.

Hugs to all my fellow survivors xx