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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think somethingis going on?

108 replies

Member869894 · 27/12/2018 08:54

I was in bed this morning with DP chatting. I asked to use his phone to call the gp to make an appointment. As i was calling the gp in comes a text saying 'morning x'. From Patricia. A workmate apparently .

He says its a reply to a round robin he sent to all his workmates earlier this week. He's become extraordinarily defensive and won't let me see hs phone, saying if we don't have trust we have nothing .

What do you all think??

OP posts:
winsinbin · 27/12/2018 09:21

That sounds dodgy to me. I’ve been married for over 30 years and have never had any cause to suspect my DH has been unfaithful but I would be very suspicious, not because of her message but because of his reaction.

QueenDoria · 27/12/2018 09:21

Poor you. Here’s to a better 2019

brick10 · 27/12/2018 09:23

Is he packing OP or just huffing and puffing about upstairs? Hope you’re ok

Paranoiasettingin · 27/12/2018 09:24

Wow that was quick!- not even putting up a fight?! Looks like you have saved yrsekf a lot if agg and heartache OP. Heres to a better 2019.

Rayn · 27/12/2018 09:24

Definitely something
Going on. Look at his Facebook and look for Patricia x

DooBDoo · 27/12/2018 09:26

If the roles were reversed and he asked to see your phone, what would you do?

I know I'd happily hand it over if I had nothing to hide.

Purplecatshopaholic · 27/12/2018 09:26

If you think something is going on it probably is... sorry OP

NotAlwaysAPushover · 27/12/2018 09:28

So sorry OP. Your instinct was right - it wasn't a hard conclusion to reach - in fact it was the obvious one.
Sounds like he doesn't live with you?
He seems to think that if he sustains this "you're the mad one" facade, you'll believe him. No one would leave over such a reasonable request.
Be prepared that he might sterilise his phone then show you.
Sorry this happened to you Thanks

Bowchicawowow · 27/12/2018 09:29

This is a horrible thing to happen and I feel so sorry that this has happened to you OP.

WizardOfToss · 27/12/2018 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LagunaBubbles · 27/12/2018 09:31

He's up to something, seems to be leaving quickly to.

Bowchicawowow · 27/12/2018 09:32

I agree. The fact he’s choosing to leave over showing the OP his phone is telling.

Neverexpected2 · 27/12/2018 09:38

He's not putting up much of a fight to try and stay with you (none in fact), he clearly has something to hide and yes, he probably has someone else waiting if he's so willing to go so quickly. Dickhead. You're well rid

TinyTear · 27/12/2018 09:40

it can be innocent.
I have a friend - male - who I share a hobby with.
We chat often on DM but nothing is going on - I know he won't leave his wife, I won't leave my DH and yet, I am his friend and chat things like 'night night x' and we talk and we moan about our other halves and it's perfectly innocent.

yet i wouldn't want to show my DH the phone as he would see me moaning about him...

WizardOfToss · 27/12/2018 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rabbitfoodadvocate · 27/12/2018 09:46

Good for you! Starting a new year without someone who has clearly got something to hide hanging into you.

12 months is nothing when you think he's ruined it with one sly text and the next DP might be the forever one that isn't a secretive little shit! Thanks

rabbitfoodadvocate · 27/12/2018 09:47

*hanging onto you. Wow. Inappropriate typo of the year!!

Drogosnextwife · 27/12/2018 09:50

TinyTear so you hide your phone form your dh because you moan to another man about him... nice.
Wonder how you would feel if that situation was flipped.

OliviaStabler · 27/12/2018 09:50

Something is going on. Who would pack a bag and leave rather than show you their phone?

TinyTear · 27/12/2018 09:53

@WizardOfToss no i wouldn't pack a bag. That I agree is suspicious.

If the option was showing the phone or packing a bag I would show the phone, but if it was just a quarrel then I wouldn't want to show the phone

But I was just trying to say that it could be innocent and some people won't react well to being cornered.

WindyNeighbour · 27/12/2018 09:54

He's become extraordinarily defensive and won't let me see hs phone, saying if we don't have trust we have nothing .

The reaction says it all. A man who values your relationship and has nothing to hide will want to convince you. It's not like your suspicion came out of nowhere, it's very different when you've seen something. However, I definitely would not suspect the text alone as there are loads of explanations.

TinyTear · 27/12/2018 09:55

And I just realised the OP has only been with the DH for a year...
it's slightly different situation

And I know in the first year my DH messaged other people, but I didn't confront him and things worked out/stopped/ and we have been together over 20 years

Just trying to show a different perspective - i do moan to my friend who happens to be male - but I would do the same if it was a female friend

SidekickSally · 27/12/2018 09:59

If he is packing his bags to leave then that's answers your question.

"If we don't have trust we have nothing" is a bollocky line you can throw back at him, he doesn't trust you to look at his phone. Obvious as to why.

So sorry but here's to a better 2019. Glad that you have the self worth to not accept this.

missbattenburg · 27/12/2018 10:03

*If the roles were reversed and he asked to see your phone, what would you do?

I know I'd happily hand it over if I had nothing to hide*

This. I might THEN want to talk about trust. But first I would 'put to bed' any suspicion I was up to anything by showing I wasn't. That way, my conversation about trust would be clear to come from a guilt free place.

WindyNeighbour · 27/12/2018 10:04

@TinyTear Great anecdote, however, you shouldn't have to be in a relationship hoping a cheat changes. It's setting people up for disappointment. You're lucky your DH changed but, imo, it doesn't happen often and cheats end up getting cockier.

A year into a relationship and messaging other people should be out of the way, my DH did it a month into seeing each other but the relationship wasn't defined and I understand that he thought j was still dating around too. A year in and I think you should know if you love someone or at least really like them enough not to fuck it up. You should still be in a great honeymoon period so, no, it isn't 'only' a year.