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Original poster

Babies at wedding

81 replies

babycatcher411 · 26/12/2018 21:27

Try to keep this as short as possible. I’m 30 weeks pregnant and have a son who is also 11.

My brother and his fiancé are getting married in about 18 months. It will be a grand event, and a lot of money is being spent on the day to make it as ‘perfect’ as possible. My brother and his girlfriend are equally parties in wanting to spend a significant amount of money (not just for the sake of it) to ensure they achieve everything they want from their day. To which I do not begrudge them at all, I’m pleased they’ve achieved the financial position they have to be able to do this (debt free) as they’ve both worked very hard to get there.

The issue ensues in that (and I have only been told this because my brother fiancé informed my younger sister of this, not ‘officially’) that my baby will not be invited. The implication from the conversation my sister had with brothers fiancé is that a baby may ruin the day somehow (I guess by crying?), and if she invites my baby, she will then also have to invite her friends baby.

My mother has subsequently had a conversation with my brother, who apparently just wants to ‘please’ his partner, so doesn’t want to put his foot down on the issue of inviting his nephew (my son will be about a year old at the point of the wedding) in case he upsets her.

We have recieved the save-the-date yesterday for the wedding addressed to “Baby-Catcher, Mr Baby-Catcher and DS1”. Now this doesn’t concern me as such, because you don’t generally add an unborn to an invite, but equally doesn’t provide clarity as to whether the baby will be invited or not. No one has ‘officially’ told me the baby is not, so I could be forgiven for thinking he is. Although later in the day yesterday during a conversation (one I was not involved in as such, but witness to) my brothers fiancé said that there will be no babies at the wedding.

I’m not sure what to do at this point, do I just not worry for now, the wedding is ages away, and maybe my brother fiancé will change her mind when the baby is a bit more real to her? Should I bring it up with my brother and/or fiancé and gain some clarity?

Is it a normal thing not to invite direct family to weddings because they’re a baby? I don’t know how I feel about going without my second son. My partner has made it clear (to me) that if the baby isn’t invited, he’s not attending.
It will potentially also cause an issue because my older sister is TTC from Jan, so there could easily be two babies in the family by the time of the wedding.

OP posts:
SayNoToCarrots · 26/12/2018 21:30

Either speak to your brother or his fiancee. If you feel very strongly about it, tell them you are not going if baby isn't. If you have childcare though (which is potentially unlikely as your whole family will be at the wedding) a one year old is not going to mind missing the wedding and you'll probably be more relaxed without him/ her

bakingdemon · 26/12/2018 21:31

There are many many threads on MN about this issue - I suggest having a look through them. You'll find a difference of opinion between those who say "their wedding, their rules" and those who think close family should never be excluded. I tend towards the first - never assume that children will automatically be invited and respect the decision of the bride and groom if they say they don't want them there. It's 18 months away so there's really no point fretting about it yet - you've got plenty of time to find childcare if you turn out to need it.

Puggles123 · 26/12/2018 21:32

Just ask them, and the baby won’t remember missing out anyway at that age; can you try and find someone to look after them?

greendale17 · 26/12/2018 21:34

Horrible to exclude your baby, I wouldn’t be going.

randomsabreuse · 26/12/2018 21:35

Having done weddings with and without 1 year olds, I prefer without. Up to about 6/9 months is easy, as soon as they're on the move much less fun as they get bored and noisy. Not yet out the other side to say when they get decent at such events - 3.4 still not behaving sensibly in church!

Starlight456 · 26/12/2018 21:36

At this point I wouldn’t worry .

When invite arrives you have lots of choices

Your dp could stay home with baby .

You could go with ds1

You could Devine invite.

londonrach · 26/12/2018 21:38

Their wedding, their choice. Either get a baby sitter or dont go. Best decision i ever made was baby free wedding as my gran vvvv ill and just wanted a quiet (she had a brain tumour) wedding she could enjoy. Last time i ever saw her and most of the family and got some lovely photos of the day. Just sent nice card and enjoy the photos later.

Original poster
babycatcher411 · 26/12/2018 21:41

I know the baby won’t miss out as such, after all he’ll have no clue what’s going on. It just makes me a feel a little bit sad that he’s excluded.

I can see both sides, for our enjoyment it may be better if he’s not there (I think my partners parents would have him no questions asked, assuming they don’t happen to be busy), but my partner is adamant he won’t come without the baby, and I don’t want to be there without him too. But equally don’t want to miss out on my brothers special day.

I’d prefer my son to be there, he is part of the family after all. Im very happy to sit at the back if required, leave the room if he’s making a scene etc. I don’t drink so I have no issues with him being there restricting on that etc.
But equally I don’t want to fall out with my brothers fiancé about this issue

OP posts:
VenusClapTrap · 26/12/2018 21:41

Just ask your brother, surely?

Tbh I can’t see how all the stuff about how much they’re spending is relevant to the issue.

HopeGarden · 26/12/2018 21:41

I guess the first thing to do is find out exactly what the situation is - you need to directly ask your brother / future SIL whether your baby is invited.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 26/12/2018 21:42

I would honestly put it out of your head for now and leave it until nearer the time and see what the actual invitation says. I don't mind a child free wedding, but 'some children and not others' is a bit off I think.

BottleOfJameson · 26/12/2018 21:42

I think it's a bit rubbish to exclude a close family child from the wedding like that. It reeks to me of going for style over substance. Presumably you can be trusted to remove the baby from the service if it started screaming. That said if they're more interested in a nice looking wedding than family being there it's their choice. I'd let DH stay home with the baby (or get a friend or babysitter) and still go personally but I wouldn't like it.

Original poster
babycatcher411 · 26/12/2018 21:44

Sorry Venus, I just meant it in the context of it being a big event for my brother and his partner (obviously it’s big in the sense that it’s a wedding anyway, I just mean big financially) and that my brothers fiancé is concerned that a baby would ruin all of that and at such a cost.

OP posts:
Original poster
babycatcher411 · 26/12/2018 21:45

I do need to speak to my brother, given I haven’t had a direct conversation yet, just haven’t had the opportunity and wasn’t sure whether to bring it up yet or leave it for now.

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 26/12/2018 21:46

Your baby will be over 1 by the time of the wedding? We were still breastfeeding pretty regularly at that point so I wouldn’t want to be away for more than 2 hours. If at all possible, I would bring a babysitter along with you and set up the sitter nearby. This is really easy if the reception is at a hotel. That way you can be with baby, pop to ceremony, head back for a visit with baby and then pop back and forth between room and reception. Do plan on calling it an early night.

It isn’t crazy to not have babies at a wedding as long as they are understanding that will still mean your focus for the day has to be split.

MissingPanda · 26/12/2018 21:47

The bride and groom have the right to the wedding they want, including child free if that is what they wish. However, they also have to remember that they send out invitations, not court summons, and potential guests, no matter who they are, have the right to decline the invitation. The bride and groom have to accept this.

On a personal level I would, if possible, find child care and go (I no longer have young children so will never be in that situation tbh). You and your partner must do what feels right for you.

There's no right and wrong here, just decisions to be made on both sides. Each side needs to respect the decision of the other.

paige789 · 26/12/2018 21:50

I have 2 kids 1 who is 8 weeks old and they is no way I would want babies at my wedding. Sometimes they can scream for 5-10 mins at a time imagine if that happens when they were saying there vows. It's completely unnesasary a baby going to a wedding.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 26/12/2018 21:51

Horrible to exclude your baby, I wouldn’t be going.

A baby will not give a toss whether they are invited or not. However, I have seen more then a few ceremonies ruined by a screaming child and the ‘shush’ noises of a parent who refuses to leave the room in case they miss something. I can fully understand why a bride and groom may choose to have a no baby policy.

Jackshouse · 26/12/2018 21:52

I would also say their wedding their choice. This wedding is nearly 2 years away so I would not be worrying/making a decision yet.

Like others have said do whatever is best for you at the time. If you have a suitable baby sitter who the child is happy with then all go if not one adult stays with the toddler.

KnightlyMyMan · 26/12/2018 22:10

I have dealt with this issue/ read about it extensively!

I’m getting married at the start of summer - big event - £25K - Stately Home and all the trimmings!

Anyway, the general opinion is this;

Regardless of your relationship to the bride/groom, if you’re not contributing to the cost of the wedding you are not ‘owed’ or ‘entitled to’ an invitation.
If you are extended one you should be grateful as ‘big’ weddings run around £120-£170 a head!
You are not entitled to complain about children/plus ones not being invited - if you don’t like it you can politely decline the invite- that is your only option! Those who make a ‘big deal’ out of it generally earn giant eye rolls by those bank rolling the event!
When you spend £25K on one day YOU can decide who to invite/not invite but please respect that this is not your day and not about you or your left out child/plus one! If you don’t like just don’t go!

Now just because I’m saying that doesn’t mean I agree that children shouldn’t be invited- I have included ALL children in my wedding (even tiny babies) as ‘personally’ I feel that it should be the parents choice whether to bring them or not. Plus our wedding had a ‘family feel’.

However, I TOTALLY support those brides who choose not to invite children. They are a big risk and when you spend that amount of money to have just one perfect day, the idea of a child shrieking during your vows or throwing a tantrum during dinner makes your skin crawl!

mortifiedmama · 26/12/2018 22:20

I wouldn't expect a very young child to be invited to a wedding if the b&g don't have kids, regardless of how close I was to them. I wouldn't be offended. BUT I'd expect them not to be offended if I was unable to go (either lack of babysitter or breastfeeding a bottle refuser).

PixiKitKat · 26/12/2018 22:20

I plan to have no children at my wedding. I know how unpredictable they are and how bored they can get. I'd hate to hear one screeching whilst I'm exchanging my vows. I'd feel like the moment would be ruined.

Let DH stay home with the baby if he wants, it's a long way off, he may decide nearer the time that he fancies a baby free night out and asks his parents to babysit anyway.

kalefire · 26/12/2018 22:40

Yea your DH seems a bit dramatic about it tbf

Original poster
babycatcher411 · 26/12/2018 22:57

I think DP is being dramatic, the baby is his first child, and he does occasionally make comments about things that I have to quietly laugh to myself and think just you wait till he’s here and you realise the reality of having a baby isn’t so straight forward. He may, as you say, appriaciate the idea of a day off by the time it comes round.

Would it be reasonable when I talk to my brother to suggest that the baby is not there for the vows, but for the rest of the day? I can certainly understand them not wanting the vows to be disturbed.

OP posts:
anniehm · 26/12/2018 23:03

I personally think it's mean to exclude younger family members (just brook a cheaper venue or buy a few less flowers if it's about money!) but they are giving you a long time to plan. A baby is easy enough to leave at a year assuming the wedding is fairly close (no overnight stay needed). As your dd won't be that old, perhaps dropping him home at some point means you get a child free party