Babies at wedding

[babycatcher411]

Try to keep this as short as possible. I’m 30 weeks pregnant and have a son who is also 11.

My brother and his fiancé are getting married in about 18 months. It will be a grand event, and a lot of money is being spent on the day to make it as ‘perfect’ as possible. My brother and his girlfriend are equally parties in wanting to spend a significant amount of money (not just for the sake of it) to ensure they achieve everything they want from their day. To which I do not begrudge them at all, I’m pleased they’ve achieved the financial position they have to be able to do this (debt free) as they’ve both worked very hard to get there.

The issue ensues in that (and I have only been told this because my brother fiancé informed my younger sister of this, not ‘officially’) that my baby will not be invited. The implication from the conversation my sister had with brothers fiancé is that a baby may ruin the day somehow (I guess by crying?), and if she invites my baby, she will then also have to invite her friends baby.

My mother has subsequently had a conversation with my brother, who apparently just wants to ‘please’ his partner, so doesn’t want to put his foot down on the issue of inviting his nephew (my son will be about a year old at the point of the wedding) in case he upsets her.

We have recieved the save-the-date yesterday for the wedding addressed to “Baby-Catcher, Mr Baby-Catcher and DS1”. Now this doesn’t concern me as such, because you don’t generally add an unborn to an invite, but equally doesn’t provide clarity as to whether the baby will be invited or not. No one has ‘officially’ told me the baby is not, so I could be forgiven for thinking he is. Although later in the day yesterday during a conversation (one I was not involved in as such, but witness to) my brothers fiancé said that there will be no babies at the wedding.

I’m not sure what to do at this point, do I just not worry for now, the wedding is ages away, and maybe my brother fiancé will change her mind when the baby is a bit more real to her? Should I bring it up with my brother and/or fiancé and gain some clarity?

Is it a normal thing not to invite direct family to weddings because they’re a baby? I don’t know how I feel about going without my second son. My partner has made it clear (to me) that if the baby isn’t invited, he’s not attending.
It will potentially also cause an issue because my older sister is TTC from Jan, so there could easily be two babies in the family by the time of the wedding.

I think your DP is totally wrong to emotionally blackmail you about your siblings wedding. This should be your choice what to do.

@KnightlyMyMan
If you are extended one you should be grateful as ‘big’ weddings run around £120-£170 a head!
You are not entitled to complain about children/plus ones not being invited

Have to say most of what you've written is total rubbish and comes across as very materialistic. Just because you've chosen to have a big expensive wedding doesn't mean you're not going to offend people and cause arguments by doing stupid invitations (for example inviting the spouse or kids of one sibling but not the other, or inviting one cousin and not the other). Of course people who aren't paying have a right to be annoyed or upset by the invites. Weddings are family events and are about more than money and nice photos to most people! If you exclude people of course they have a right to complain.

In this case since there are no babies there at all it's just not a family event. You haven't been specifically excluded and the baby won't care! So Id think it was a shame and will make the day less special but I wouldn't be offended or complain to anyone. It may be a problem if by that time there is a small baby in the family whose mother wouldn't be able to attend the wedding.

The reason most people invite babies and young kids isn't because the babies will care but because the entire family will be there and as much as you want to be the centre of attention (and will be for a large part) the reason people travel so far and spend so much money is also to catch up with family so they like to see the young kids.

I never take my DC to friends' weddings if the kids don't really know the friends as I know it's expensive for the couple and I'll have more fun without them. For family weddings I always take them because relations like to see them (when they were younger I always positioned myself close to an exit in case they started to fuss).

At my wedding all children under 10 were not invited. Nothing worse that having been to countless weddings with noisy babies in the church or parents rushing around at the wedding breakfast trying to appease young kids.

It was a great decision for us as everyone was able to enjoy themselves and let their hair down. Some People can't/won't come - that's down to them. It's your day.

@KnightlyMyMan

Wow with that attitude you're not going to have many friends or family talking to you after your wedding. It's not about what your wedding costs (have a cheaper one if you can't afford it you don't have to spend £170 a head). Just because you've spent a lot doesn't give you free license to exclude or hurt your friends and family members by being unfair in your invitations.

In this case it doesn't sound like a great wedding if they're putting so much stock in appearances rather than actually ensuring it's nice for their guests and family can easily attend but at least they're being fair so I wouldn't complain. I'd just clarify what your invite means and have in laws care for the baby.

When my DB found out we were expecting he explicitly said DC would not be invited to his wedding. We took no real issue with this as she would only have been 6 weeks old or so, the plan was we would go to the church whilst PIL baby sat, pop home, feed, go to venue, photos, dinner, home to feed etc. Easily doable as the venue was close to home and PIL were willing to help out.

Turns out DD arrived very early so was 3.5 months old by the wedding, DB and SIL fell in love with her at first sight and she was invited to the whole wedding. PIL picked her up after the meal and took her home to bed whilst DH and I partied the night away 😍

You never know what will happen til the baby is here, and I certainly wouldn’t fall out over it. My parents were fuming DC didn’t initially get an invite but it all turned out ok in the end

As a teenager I worked at a few weddings where the parents would get a room, and I’d hang out there with the baby. When the baby needed feeding or putting to sleep the parent would pop up. When the baby was happy and smiley they parent often took them downstairs for 20 minutes or so. And they could be in the photos. It was a great compromise, everyone got what they wanted. Parents had fun, no crying babies, and lots of cash for teenage me!

Speak to your brother rather than speculate. TBH I've done both, been with a baby and without. I felt completely on duty when I had the baby with me and couldn't relax and worried when baby started crying in church (it was a family wedding).

I then attended a wedding without and could see my friends with babies fretting and trying to find somewhere to change them and have to leave earlier and not drink. This might not bother you, but it did me.

If your brother is just worried about lots of babies/children, maybe they could say they only have space for the children of close family. Babies in some venues do still count as numbers so they maybe weighing up their list and worrying about inviting someone's wife over a baby. It's not black and white so I'd ask a few questions first.

I had a 'child/baby free wedding' which included family. I did not want any child/baby making noises/crying or interrupting our vows as had happened with lots of other family weddings. Also if we had invited children they would have outnumbered the adults. Some family members and friends declined our invitation, which was fine. I can totally understand the brides wishes not to risk a crying baby on her wedding day. It's not personal against you, it's just how she wants it and I think you ought to respect her wishes.

my personal opinion is that anyone who thinks a baby crying is going to "ruin" their wedding is a bit pathetic and self involved. I would never exclude my own nephew from my wedding and I certainly would never invite one nephew but not another because the second had more potential to make noise!!!? They will be judged by people because they are acting like dicks. Itsbone thing to say no kid its quite another to cherry pick which children are acceptable to you.

BUT

it is their choice. You should ask your brother for clarification and then decide what you want to do based on his response. Personally i would go alone with my older boy, leave when he wanted to and probably struggle for a long time with my relationship with brother and sil as a result. If your ds is breastfed and you cant leave him for ages go to the ceremony as a priority and as much of the rest of the wedding as you can manage. Personally i wouldn't ask if you could just bring the baby to this bit or that bit I would accept what they say and act accordingly but it would affect my relationship with my brother.

I would exclude babies and children under 10 from my wedding if I had it today. I've been to countless weddings ruined by babies, toddlers and young children, usually because the parents think it's cute for them to make a scene/hoping it winds up 'going viral' or are too pissed to care or are too self-centred to care that their baby's crying or talking is disrupting the service. Babies, toddlers and young children are just annoying at wedding receptions. If it means people don't go, that'd be fine with me.

Ask if the baby is invited, then if not and having no babysitter means you can’t go then gracefully decline.

"my personal opinion is that anyone who thinks a baby crying is going to "ruin" their wedding is a bit pathetic and self involved."

I agree. I feel that far too many couples focus too much on having a perfect day, and the more expensive the wedding the higher the expectation that nothing at all spoils the perfectness of the day.

None of the family weddings I have been to have been child free, and none of them were spoiled by babies crying.

my personal opinion is that anyone who thinks a baby crying is going to "ruin" their wedding is a bit pathetic and self involved.

Seriously, you don’t think a baby having a full meltdown in a nice echoey church during the ceremony is not going to have any negative impact on the service?

Most people aren’t going to get in a twist over the odd blabber or noise from a baby, but a full on cry is going to make an impact and I have seen enough parents at weddings so lacking in self awareness that they have refused to leave the room and quite frankly ruined things.

None of the family weddings I have been to have been child free, and none of them were spoiled by babies crying.

Lucky you. I have been to weddings where crying babies have impacted on the ceremony.

Honestly. People will be offended by anything. Your brother is placing the blame completely with his future wife because he feels the same as her. Their wedding. Their choice. Id leave dp behind with the baby and go enjoy yourself!

As it’s close family and the baby will be over 1 by the time of the wedding I would go (to keep the peace more than anything else). You don’t need to stay late into the evening. I would be disappointed that the baby isn’t invited though. I’ve been invited to a wedding next spring which my two young children have not been invited too and I will not be going because I don’t have alternative childcare arrangements.

Disagree with the idea that children would ruin the vows.

We had loads of kids at our wedding, I can honestly say that during the important bits - vows, ceremony, speeches, I was completely oblivious to everything in the church / reception apart from myself and my wife.

🤔 I think those who have children need to understand that those who do not may wish to conduct a private event without them and stop being entitled, demanding CF’erks

‘Why would they want to exclude their nephew from their wedding?’

• because he won’t sodding remember it/ is not AT ALL what’s happening
• because he’s unpredictable and disruptive, turning the party I’ve just spent £25k and 2 year’s organising into a HUGE bloody gamble!
• because he won’t actually enjoy being there! It’s not fun for a child!
• because the type of self absorbed parent who kicks off about not being able to bring nephew- will make the entire day about nephew- in which case why am I paying £120 a head for you to be in and out constantly with a screaming baby - interrupting speeches and causing a scene!

• aware of

FixtheBone By ruin I think people are talking about babies screaming so loudly that others can not hear the vows.

The wedding is still a long time away - wait and see what the invitation actually says! Personally, I think it is their choice completely, but I do think that they could draw a distinction between inviting their niece/nephew, ie close family, and a friend's child, if they wanted to. They probably don't want to, and it is a convenient excuse.
In the event that the baby isn't invited, I would attend with your older son and leave the baby at home with your husband. As it is a family wedding, you will presumably know lots of people so won't feel too alone.

We went out of our way to accommodate children at our wedding. We had toys, games and a bouncy castle. We wanted our friends, family and their children to celebrate with us.

Personally I would hate to take a child this age to a formal wedding. I have seen others do it and be totally stressed out by trying to make sure their child behaves ok during a formal service, a formal sit down meal and speeches. None of this is at all child friendly.

AntiHop That is fine. But a wedding with games and a bouncy castle will have a very different atmosphere to a formal wedding in a grand venue, which this sounds more like.

knightlymyman the day is supposed to be about you and your partner exchanging vows. It's not a show with the bride and groom as the leads. Most people are saying it is their choice but many of us disagree with that choice, especially as children are invited including the OPs son, just not babies. We are entitled to that opinion and can choose to attend/not attend.

All this bullshit about how mich they've soent is pathetix too. People who soend fortunes on their wedding have spent it because they want to. They want the big fancy party for yourselves they are not doing it as an act of kindness for their friends and family.

It is entirely up to the couple what they spend on their wedding but spending more does not entitle you to put all other people's feelings to one side. Inviting one nephew and not another is a dick move. whether or not the child will remmeber/enjoy the day is irrelevant. You either invite just the adults or the whole family, you can't cherry pick the children leaat likely to play up.