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AIBU?

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Original poster

Babies at wedding

81 replies

babycatcher411 · 26/12/2018 21:27

Try to keep this as short as possible. I’m 30 weeks pregnant and have a son who is also 11.

My brother and his fiancé are getting married in about 18 months. It will be a grand event, and a lot of money is being spent on the day to make it as ‘perfect’ as possible. My brother and his girlfriend are equally parties in wanting to spend a significant amount of money (not just for the sake of it) to ensure they achieve everything they want from their day. To which I do not begrudge them at all, I’m pleased they’ve achieved the financial position they have to be able to do this (debt free) as they’ve both worked very hard to get there.

The issue ensues in that (and I have only been told this because my brother fiancé informed my younger sister of this, not ‘officially’) that my baby will not be invited. The implication from the conversation my sister had with brothers fiancé is that a baby may ruin the day somehow (I guess by crying?), and if she invites my baby, she will then also have to invite her friends baby.

My mother has subsequently had a conversation with my brother, who apparently just wants to ‘please’ his partner, so doesn’t want to put his foot down on the issue of inviting his nephew (my son will be about a year old at the point of the wedding) in case he upsets her.

We have recieved the save-the-date yesterday for the wedding addressed to “Baby-Catcher, Mr Baby-Catcher and DS1”. Now this doesn’t concern me as such, because you don’t generally add an unborn to an invite, but equally doesn’t provide clarity as to whether the baby will be invited or not. No one has ‘officially’ told me the baby is not, so I could be forgiven for thinking he is. Although later in the day yesterday during a conversation (one I was not involved in as such, but witness to) my brothers fiancé said that there will be no babies at the wedding.

I’m not sure what to do at this point, do I just not worry for now, the wedding is ages away, and maybe my brother fiancé will change her mind when the baby is a bit more real to her? Should I bring it up with my brother and/or fiancé and gain some clarity?

Is it a normal thing not to invite direct family to weddings because they’re a baby? I don’t know how I feel about going without my second son. My partner has made it clear (to me) that if the baby isn’t invited, he’s not attending.
It will potentially also cause an issue because my older sister is TTC from Jan, so there could easily be two babies in the family by the time of the wedding.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 27/12/2018 00:21

Regardless of what any posters think of child-free weddings (there is a very strong divide, with a lot of posters lacking the emotional intelligence to understand that other people can think differently from themselves and hold different opinions about things), you have said that in your case, you think you would enjoy the day more without a baby, and you think that your baby's grandparents would happily have him/her for the wedding so your OH is being ridiculous. It suits the B&G, and it suits you. If he wants to strop, let him, and go without him. His loss.

However, what I would do, is wait until the baby (and potentially your sister's new baby) are here, and are real little people. It is perfectly possible, that, once they are enamored with their new dn(s), they might think differently from a 'theoretical baby' they are thinking about now.

Cornishclio · 27/12/2018 00:35

Given the wedding is 18 months away and your baby is not yet born I suggest you put it out of your head. Presumably you don't have to reply just yet anyway. Your DP has not yet had to experience having a baby to look after and by then he may want a few hours away. The reality of having a small baby is very different once it is actually here. Saying he definitely won't go is daft. As to child free weddings that is up to bride and groom. We had loads of kids (babies included) at DD2s wedding and it was lovely. Wasn't a £25k country house wedding though.

JustJake · 27/12/2018 00:41

I’ve been to some weddings with my young children and some where they weren’t invited. It doesn’t bother me what the bride and groom decide. And I don’t think it is a personal slight on your family.

Sometimes there are really good reasons too. My sister had a late miscarriage and two stillborns before getting married and although she loved our children dearly she didn’t want infants at her wedding. I’m not suggesting that’s the case here- merely pointing out that there are different and sometimes understandable personal reasons for the make up of a guest list.

Georgiepeorgiepuddingandpie · 27/12/2018 02:04

I wouldn't go if my baby wasn't welcome. I think this is awful.

jq28 · 27/12/2018 02:38

Oh my god just ask your brother. We had a child free wedding and it was the best.

Weenurse · 27/12/2018 03:09

Find out the venue and if you can book a room. If so, find a babysitter and book them as well.
That way you can feed baby as required, and brothers wishes are being met

SleepingStandingUp · 27/12/2018 10:52

KnightlyMyMan you do realise you're putting on a wedding, a celebration of love and of joining families, not a Show to be featured in Hello!?

I'm sure your day will be lovely, because you've put your heart into it not because you spent marginally below the average for a UK wedding in a fairly typical if beautiful venue. The meaning of it should mean far more than how much the steak or wine cost, which Etay supplier cut up your confetti by hand or how many sparkles are on your dress.

Agree it's their chocie, and I think it's good to let you know early so you can plan. DH will hopefully come round if you play it down of how much your parents will enjoy babysitting, having a night out where you can chill etc. Any chance Nan will take the older one at about 11 so you can book a room and party all night #sweetnerforthehusband

JustThisTimeAgain · 27/12/2018 13:48

Babies are unpredictable, I can absolutely understand why they don't want any there. Your baby won't remember it so this is really just about you feeling butthurt that your precious baby is being "excluded" (from something he won't remember or enjoy probably even).

I have an 8 month old, no way would I take her to a wedding even of a close relative, even if she was invited, even if she was a bit older. She might be good as gold most of the time, but she's still unpredictable and I wouldn't allow a situation where she could ruin someone's special day.

Their wedding is about them, not you and not your baby.

Piffle11 · 27/12/2018 14:23

My DS1 was 3 months when we were invited to a family wedding (my DH's half cousin). There were other children there on both sides, including a newborn. If DS1 started grizzling (he did during the speeches), I took him outside straight away. We included children in our wedding as there would have been people that could not attend otherwise. DH was an usher at a close friend's wedding when DS2 was 6 weeks old: they had decided on a child free wedding, so I didn't go. It was a fair distance away and would have involved an overnight stay: I would have been ok with leaving DS1 2yrs 9 months) with my DParents overnight, but not my baby. I get that it's 'their wedding their rules', but FGS you're his DSis!! There's no way my DH would have agreed to such a rule if it meant his sibling missing his wedding.

TurkeySandwichAnyone · 27/12/2018 14:48

The other time I've really not appreciated little ones was when one very imperious toddler chatted with his mother all through what were apparently some very witty speeches.

I loved my kids as babies, toddlers and free spirited 3 / 4 year olds but no I wouldn't have wanted them at a wedding ceremony.

I'd book the partners parents as baby sitters.

LoniceraJaponica · 27/12/2018 16:06

It strikes me that it isn't so much about noisy babies, but their parents not removing them if they become disruptive. Why can't they do this?

SilverySurfer · 27/12/2018 16:12

Since your DP has thrown a strop and refuses to go without your soon to be child your problem is solved, you go with your older child.

BMOT · 27/12/2018 16:13

We had a no kids wedding other my Godson and his twin sister who were part of the bridal party. At the time they were 8 so not toddlers but they were still collected at 9 by a babysitter so their Mum could enjoy herself.
IMO I cant think of anything worse than supervising a little one at a wedding and Yes it is really annoying when you cant hear importnat vows and speechs because of their noise.
Or even worse at one wedding I went to they Best Man was ask to tone down his speech because "little ears were listening!!"

abacucat · 27/12/2018 16:15

Or even worse at one wedding I went to they Best Man was ask to tone down his speech because "little ears were listening!!"
I would have told them no way.

thebaronetofcockburn · 27/12/2018 16:31

You really don't want the people who take such huge umbrage at their babies and toddlers being 'excluded' anyhow because they're the type of parents who think the world revolves round themselves and their progeny and will be the ones letting them make noise and run about as they think it's so cute and adds to the wedding.

TurkeySandwichAnyone · 27/12/2018 16:35

Well, yes.

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/12/2018 16:39

I see both sides. At my wedding reception (for married abroad) I said no children as 1) most had children so would have meant less adults I wanted due to space 2) my friends happy to leave their children for a day and was local so if they wanted /needed they could go back and see them

I am also a mn and nanny and have attended many weddings as childcare. A room in the venue - few toys and children in there.

Ask your brother if your son to be is invited. If he isn't you can mention that you /dp won't be going and see his reaction

But be prepared for him to say fine

R.E.M. it's his wedding. His rules

Tho b&g need to reliese if no kids then some guests may say no

nocoolnamesleft · 27/12/2018 16:54

Mixed feelings. On the one hand, it's about family. On the other hand, it might have been nice if we could have heard my brother and his wife take their vows, rather than the screaming stamping (hard soled shoes on stone steps) toddler, whose parents clearly didn't want to miss anything either, so made no move to capture the child...

calmsealife · 27/12/2018 16:59

Why would you want to take a baby to a wedding? I'd ask the in laws to watch the little one so you can properly enjoy and celebrate your brothers day.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 27/12/2018 17:00

I don't think the bride and groom are wrong to want a guarantee that they will be able to hear their own vows! You might be really good about taking a noisy baby outside at the first squawk, but other parents can be really selfish and refuse to do so. If they invite your baby, their friends will expect to bring their own babies and toddlers - it changes the whole atmosphere. Much less conflict to have a blanket ban. Besides, it's your brother's wedding, he can have what he wants.
Tbh, your DH already is sounding like one of those parents who thinks their child should be the centre of every one else's universe. Refusing to consider a babysitter (esp when it would be his own mum and dad) sounds petulant. Although, as you say, he might settle down and welcome a child free night out after 6 months Wink.

Cheeeeislifenow · 27/12/2018 17:00

I hate bringing baby of my children to weddings.... They are 5, 9,13... I have had to bring them to after family weddings. They were bored, sick of talking to adults and the food wasn't what they would normally eat.
I have been to many weddings without children and it's is much more fun.
Oh and call me dependent or whatever but I like to have a drink at a wedding, which you can't do when your supervising your kids..
Anyway, it's up to bride and groom. No one else,can't believe how offended people are when their babies aren't invited!

Cheeeeislifenow · 27/12/2018 17:03

Typo... Any not baby!

myrtleWilson · 27/12/2018 17:05

Knightlymyman how much are you spending on your wedding (and per capita)? just am not sure you've shoehorned it enough into the thread...

Confusedbeetle · 27/12/2018 17:11

Wait a while and then ask if they would prefer a baby free wedding. It is quite acceptable and has been since my wedding 1973, so I wouldn't take offence. You may even be able to have a better time your self without looking after a little one. A Day off can be nice, However much depends on how easily you can get a babysitter. It may be that they want it baby-free in case of crying during the service. If they are ok with that, sit at the back and nip out if baby grumbles. An evening do is not really a place for a baby. In any case the wishes should come directly from the couple, never chinese whispers so ignore everyone else

Whattodonut · 27/12/2018 17:17

Leave it for now. They can't know (or you) what your baby will be like at 1 yet Wink

But they can reasonably say only close family kids so that a non-reason.

Your DH might feel differently closer to the time. How much notice would his parents need to babysit? Guessing not 18months...