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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in wanting to thrash dd to within an inch of her life?

158 replies

Elasticwoman · 26/06/2007 20:47

I caught her in the act of stealing from my purse. It is not the first time. Am incandescent with rage.

Can any one suggest non-violent but effective remedy to correcting lightfingered and economical with the actualite dd? (She is almost as big as me so might thrash me back.)

OP posts:
TootyFrooty · 27/06/2007 16:51

I'm with F&Z on this one. Very wise words. I'd be concerned that not letting her spend her pocket money on what she wants (so that she feels she 'has' to steal) might be making her fondness for sweets into an issue. She's eating in secret and that is a road you really don't want to go down.

jinxed · 27/06/2007 16:52

I got a set amount of pocket money each week, I got to spend it how I chose, but once it was gone, it was gone. I had no other money for the rest of the week if I blew it all on the saturday.

How old is DD? Could you just allow her some of her pocket money in her hand to spend as she wishes and say that is it for the week and it has to last?

Kewcumber · 27/06/2007 16:57

if she is almost a teenager, then you can't control what she spends her money on for long. Whetehr you like it or not, I think you have to give her a longer leash. Eating it on her own in her room isn't the biggest crime.

Unlike Mozhe I wouldn;t let it go. It is wrong to steal. You must give that messgae consistently even if you don;t make a huge dela of it, you surely can;t ignore it - keeping quiet sends her the message that it is OK.

Can she "work" back the moeny she has tkaen - gardening housework etc with a set rate per hour (say £2) would also give her some exercise and earn her pocket money going forward with the agreement that if she "earned" it she can spend it on what she likes.

MrRuffalo · 27/06/2007 16:59

'Personally I wouldn't over react and would play it down....but that's just me !'

mohze so speaks the mother of non teenagers

Desiderata · 27/06/2007 17:03

MrRuff - Mohze has five children and she's 44. I would imagine that at least some of them are teenagers.

EmilyDavidson · 27/06/2007 17:03

Wow elasicwoman thats one harsh regime. Your dd has no mobile ,no ipod,no hard cash.No sweets or other goodies unless you say so. No wonder she is rebelling.

If you make it a big battle then she will have to fight you wont she ?
She will be able to think of worse things than nicking a few quid off her mum

ggglimpopo · 27/06/2007 17:04

Mozhe - why would you play it down? Would you let it continue? What would you do if it carried on?

FrannyandZooey · 27/06/2007 17:06

I don't see what the mobile or the iPod have got to do with anything

jinxed · 27/06/2007 17:08

i wouldnt allow my pre-teen to have a mobile or ipod either!

FrannyandZooey · 27/06/2007 17:09

No, it's hardly a "harsh regime" is it

paolosgirl · 27/06/2007 17:10

Agree with jinxed - absence of ipod and mobile does not exactly make for a harsh regime!!!!

Desiderata · 27/06/2007 17:11

I'm not quite with you there, ED. You appear to be judging the OP's parenting techniques, and finding them wanting.

For what it's worth, I intend to hold out for as long as possible before mine gets all this consumerist shite. Not having a mobile is hardly an excuse for stealing from your mother's purse!

EmilyDavidson · 27/06/2007 17:12

It would be considererd a harsh regime by my teenagers and their mates!

Twiglett · 27/06/2007 17:14

I totally agree with franny on this one I'm afraid

I think a child who is sneaking sweets and crisps in her bedroom is developing quite severe issues with food which is most probably the antithesis of what you desire for her.

I think if it were me I'd be tempted to relax the 'unhealthy' food rules .. things that aren't forbidden are much less appealing

Blu · 27/06/2007 17:15

I agree 100% with F&Z.
Ease up on the freedom and respinsibility you give her.
But, obviously, make it very clear that you cannot live together happily and steal from each other.

fairyjay · 27/06/2007 17:16

Just a random comment - my ds has a friend whose father is a dentist. When it was birthday party time, this friend used to make himself virtually sick gorging on all the sweet things that he wasn't normally allowed. Personally, I think that you need to give a little, to stop sweets becoming an issue.

But I too would be furious about the stealing - you should not have to keep your bag with you in your own home.

paolosgirl · 27/06/2007 17:17

I agree with the food thing - banning anything makes it SOOOO much more appealing! That does not condone the stealing in any way, shape or form though - stealing from anyone, be it your parents, the woman next door or a stranger is just plain wrong. I'd go back to the negotiating table.

merryberry · 27/06/2007 17:28

Elasticwoman, when I used to eat like that (on my own, binging crisps and sweets) for me it was a comfort and control thing, I could comfort myself with some small pleasure that I had control over. Mine started aged about 8, got out of hand around 28, under control (ish) 2 years ago at 37.

If she is feeling driven to nick to fill herself up (emotionally) maybe she needs to work that out?

Cammelia · 27/06/2007 17:51

I would tend to think of it as a cry for help

MrRuffalo · 27/06/2007 17:52

DESIDERATA - no -Mozhes 5 children are babies regardless of her 44 years!

Blandmum · 27/06/2007 17:55

I would 'take' something of hers, not to keep, obviously, but so that she realises that stealing isn't oK when you are the victim. Or dock her poacket money until you are paid back

I wouldn't 'let it go'. That is sending a message to her that it isn't a problem. Which it is.

I would, however, free up her pocket money. Onlt when she is free to spend her own cash will she learn the value of money....ie 'If I buy x today, I can't get y later in the week'

Cammelia · 27/06/2007 17:57

I wouldn't let it go but I would want to get to the bottom of what was wrong

MrRuffalo · 27/06/2007 17:59

my ds kept 'stealing' nice food - crisps - cakes- biscuits . ALL the time. Sounds minor but it went on and on and there seemed to me no getting through to him.
Eventually we decided to make him re buy a full pack of anything we 'thought' he had eaten. Did this a few times and guess what - the pilfering stopped!

LadyVictoriaOfCake · 27/06/2007 18:01

i think you need to hand her the cash pocket money and say 'once its gone thats it'.

the stealing to buy sweets is worrying. food/sweets must be an issue, if they are 'banned/forbidden' then she is possibly doing it for some sort of control in her life. you say no you cant buy xxx, so she steals to get it.

i was gettign my own pocket money to spend as i wanted quite young, i could make it last the whole week, or spend it all in one go. but that was it for 7days. once i hit teenage years i used my money on nail varnish and small bits of jewellery etc, i had a fondness for mood rings

lou33 · 27/06/2007 18:01

regardless of whether she should be allowed junk food, ipod, mobile phones, she still stole money and was caught

if dd1 (15) did that, she would be instantly grounded, have all her pocket money halted and banned access to the pc, mobile phone etc

she would be forced to sit through a long lecture from me and be given extra chores to make up for it

when i was satisifed she was learning her lesson, she would slowly get her privileges and stuff back

i would also deduct the money she tried to steal from her pocket money