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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

in wanting to thrash dd to within an inch of her life?

158 replies

Elasticwoman · 26/06/2007 20:47

I caught her in the act of stealing from my purse. It is not the first time. Am incandescent with rage.

Can any one suggest non-violent but effective remedy to correcting lightfingered and economical with the actualite dd? (She is almost as big as me so might thrash me back.)

OP posts:
HuwEdwards · 26/06/2007 20:48

teenager? You need Custy.

Elasticwoman · 26/06/2007 20:49

V soon to be teenager (gnashes teeth)

OP posts:
Piffle · 26/06/2007 20:49

how old is she?
I was a terrible thief from my parents and step parents as a child and teen
What fainlyl stopped me was my stepaftehr taking me to the polic and asking if they could tell me what would happen if I got caught again

And then straight to a pyschiatrist
Scared the living shit out of me

Elasticwoman · 26/06/2007 20:51

Thanks Piffle. I think interview with police would be more humiliating for me than for her. But thanks for sharing your experience with me.

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 26/06/2007 20:51

btw did the pychiatrist have anything useful to contribute?

OP posts:
Piffle · 26/06/2007 20:53

she did not get any words out of me, but I went out and told my mum that I was done thieving, it was the "thought" that did it.

Elasticwoman · 26/06/2007 20:57

The thought of seeing a psychiatrist?

OP posts:
muppetgirl · 26/06/2007 21:06

If she's a teenager try this...
Take her bedroom door off and only give it back when you're convinced she's not stealing.
See how she likes her privacy being invaded.....

mozhe · 26/06/2007 21:08

Fascinated re; use of psychiatrist.....did you ask her why she took the money ? Personally I wouldn't over react and would play it down....but that's just me !

RosemaryWoodhouse · 26/06/2007 22:05

Flog her ipod on ebay and give the money to charity.

Cammelia · 26/06/2007 22:06

Does she get pocket money

Louplet · 26/06/2007 22:18

What is she using the money for? Just a thought but any chance she is being bullied? If not and just usual teenage stuff. Maybe you could sit down with her and come up with a way she could earn extra pocket money by helping you with chores round the house? As well as giving her a good talking to of course

bookwormmum · 26/06/2007 22:32

Ask her why she needs or wants the money - teenagers have odd expenses? She might need to negotiate a new rate of pocket money which perhaps she could earn with doing some more chores around the house to teach her cause/effect - not that shortage of cash ever excuses stealing from you.

In the meantime, keep your handbag with you at all times even if you have to take it to the loo with you. Reduce temptation.

Emprexia · 26/06/2007 22:56

Personally, i'd remove all of her toys, nice clothes, make-up, bike...etc

Deprive her of everything none essential, ground her and tell her that she needs to earn everything back via good behaviour and an apology.

Stealing is an absolute no-no and she needs to learn that before she starts theiving from other people.

paulaplumpbottom · 26/06/2007 22:58

ban her from going anywhere or using her phone

mylastrolo · 26/06/2007 23:12

i like the door one will keep that for future reference in oh my less than 10 years time

hippipotami · 27/06/2007 09:34

I pinched money from my mums purse when I was pre-teen so I could buy sweets. I thought it was a phase most pre-teens go through

ratclare · 27/06/2007 13:09

my son pinched money from my dad ,but alot ,like £50 ,i found it in his blazer pocket and confronted him ,apparently he had been doing it alot ,my dad is self employed and keeps a cash box in the house ,which he never locked, and my ds started by taking the odd 50p or £1 and then one day took a handful of notes .He was distraught when i confronted him ,but i made him take it to my parents house ,confess and apologise ,it ended after that. He had taken money from me previousley ,again a large sum that i ws stupid enough to leave lying around ,except i thought id spent it ,fairly hopeless with money,and when i discoivered it about 3 weeks later during a particularly skint patch i was angry but secretly pleased . The wierd thing is he never spent the money he took ,he just hid it

fishie · 27/06/2007 13:14

yes i took money too as a pre-teen, not loads but a bit. then someone at school found out (they were bullying me already) and were really horrible. when my mum found out she was so angry with them that the whole stealing thing was left alone, beyond agreeing it woudln't happen again.

i'm really interested to see that others did the same, it must be a fairly common thing then, perhaps it is to do with control? i have no idea why i took it, didn't do anythign useful with it.

PenelopePitstops · 27/06/2007 13:14

have you asked her why she needs it?

and does she realise its wrong? stupid question but some kids dont because its your mone, they also see it as theirs.

I would explain to her she needs to give the money back, gound her and re negotiate pocket money rules depending on why she 'needs' the moeny.

justaphase · 27/06/2007 13:27

Yep, I also took money from my parents as a teen, for quite a long time. Never got caught.

I am now a mature, law abiding citizen (bar the odd fare cheat)

Elasticwoman · 27/06/2007 16:37

Thanks for all your comments, own experiences and advice, every one.

She uses the money to buy crisps and sweets.

She gets "virtual" pocket money, ie her dad keeps a record of how much she has and she can draw on it but has to say what she wants to spend it on. This is because (a) we caught her stealing before and (b) she will binge on crisps and sweets if we let her. She is a bit overweight (not obese) and hates exercise.

She also gets real pocket money from her grandfather.

She does not have an ipod or a mobile phone.
We eat well in this family, all sitting round the table together every day eating food cooked from fresh (mostly). I do not buy biscuits or crisps unless for a special event, but I do make cakes/biscuits and occasionally buy chocolate that we all share (family of 5). Dd can make shortbread if she wants something sweet, and I usually serve a sweet dish as dessert so she is not sugar-starved. What I object to, and have told dd this, is her buying a load of junk and taking it to her bedroom to eat on her own! I sometimes find the evidence later, stuffed down the side of her bed or on the floor.

Maybe I ought to listen to Mozhe and not make such an issue of her stealing money from me. But every time it happens again, I think I should have dealt with it more severely last time.

To the person who said look after your handbag even if you take it with you to the loo: you are right, I know I know - it usually happens when I've been stupid enough to leave temptation on the dining room table for her - which is half the reason I'm so furious: angy with her, angry with me.

Dh has come home early from work today and has taken dd (protesting, natch) on a walk in order to be able to talk to her one-to-one. So we'll see what the outcome of that is.

I have tried to impress upon her how wrong it is to steal, and she must know or she wouldn't bother to lie about it.

OP posts:
FrannyandZooey · 27/06/2007 16:45

I want my children to eat healthily as much as the next person and I would also be upset if my child was buying sweets to eat alone in their room

but while this behaviour is not desirable, it isn't actually morally wrong in any way

by making her tell you what she wants to buy before giving her any pocket money (and presumably saying "no" if she wants to buy sweets or crisps) you are making eating these things into a moral issue

she hasn't got the freedom to do what she wants with her own money, so she is choosing to steal, to get the freedom to buy what she wants.

It's pretty tricky, don't you think? When are you planning to allow her to spend her own money on what she wants?

jinxed · 27/06/2007 16:45

I stole from my parents as a teen, usually no more than £1. Never got caught either, which is even stranger as my parents were tight!

collision · 27/06/2007 16:49

I also think that you should be giving her the freedom to buy what she wants (within reason) without always knowing in advance.

I would be cross about the stealing but maybe she feels a bit trapped and is humiliated at having to tell you what she wants to buy.

tis tough having kids!