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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My children have no one but me and they resent me for it

89 replies

greytwilight · 26/12/2018 08:32

It’s come as a bit of a blow to say the least. I am a lone parent without any other extended family to speak of. Both have complained Christmas at mine was boring Xmas Sad

OP posts:
HairyDogsFeet · 26/12/2018 08:35

How many children? Donor sperm?

LaurieFairyCake · 26/12/2018 08:36

I would be giving them short shrift! Tell them it's the people that make it interesting and that they're just as responsible as you for keeping the party atmosphere going.

Tell them to suggest games, crafts, activities.

And above all don't you feel guilty.

Mouikey · 26/12/2018 08:36

How old are they?

I guess this question depends on the age answer, but have they expressed why they are bored?

It is tough if its just the three of you but also hugely disrespectful for them to say it was boring... but then there is a difference between if they are 6 or 16!

MIdgebabe · 26/12/2018 08:37

It’s good they are honest with you
ASK then for ideas to make it better
It may just be a hard part of growing up

Original poster
greytwilight · 26/12/2018 08:38

What, hairy? Hmm

I don’t think they meant any harm. They are both in relationships and are contrasting their partners families with ours.

OP posts:
Notacluethisxmas · 26/12/2018 08:40

I think hairy is asking why it's only you.

Is bit circumstance or is choice on your part?

I have friend whose mum isolated them from everyone. Didn't ever put effort into relationships outside the 3 of them and didn't like the daughter doing it either. I got why she resented her mum

BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 26/12/2018 08:40

How old are they?

TV and social media are full of big happy families at Xmas. It's not real life. Ours is small too. We make the best of it. One of my dds was facetiming a lot of friends yesterday which helped her.

Original poster
greytwilight · 26/12/2018 08:42

Late teens. Adults but only just Xmas Smile

OP posts:
IdaBWells · 26/12/2018 08:43

I was orphaned as a teenager, I am married but it can still be challenging I think especially as a mum to be without the emotional support of a close extended family. However, another perspective is that we are happy and noone is suffering from bad health, addictions, mental illness etc. There are also plenty of people with family who create constant stress and drama, especially at Christmas!

I would encourage you to refuse to feel bad or guilty about something you have no control over. Instead encourage your children to be grateful, have a game where you sit and write down positive things about each family member. Build each other up, don't dwell or ruminate on what you can't change.

Calzone · 26/12/2018 08:49

They sound entitled and selfish.

Tell them that they can host next year.

OliviaStabler · 26/12/2018 08:52

I'd tell them a few home truths if mine ever came out with that rubbish. You can't just 'conjure up' extended family.

What exactly was so 'boring'?

cushioncuddle · 26/12/2018 08:53

We have a very small family no aunts , uncles , cousins etc.
The kids would sometimes say they wished we had an extended family and I get where it's coming from.
Tbh so do I. It would be lovely to have cousins for them. But it doesn't mean we don't have fun.

toomuchtooold · 26/12/2018 08:53

It sounds like it's the first time it's really occurred to them, seeing their bf/gf's families, which to me sounds like they didn't notice when they were younger. I would take that as a win if I were you (regardless of what they say) - it sounds like you did an awesome job.

GenerationSnowflake · 26/12/2018 08:55

You can't blame them for finding a quiet Christmas a bit .. quiet. I prefer a full house and large family gatherings, it's not a crime.

That said, read all the threads on here: many people hate their families and their in-laws and have the worst time at Christmas when they have to see them for 2 hours. An outsider might see the general noise but be completely oblivious of the tensions and bitterness between family members.

The question is: do you like your quiet Christmas or would you prefer a busier one in the future?
If you find them too lonely, nothing prevents you from having friends around, inviting your kids partners families in the future and make them bigger. I do like having people staying for a week or so at Christmas, but if you hate the idea, just don't do it.
Think what works for you before anything else.

OneStepMoreFun · 26/12/2018 08:58

@greytwilight
late teens - all you need to know. Late teens often think everything their parent does is beyond rubbish. It's a natural part of the separation process. Give them five years and they'll be dying to do Christmas like you always did it.

Original poster
greytwilight · 26/12/2018 08:59

Good point toomuch, thanks!

OP posts:
NicoAndTheNiners · 26/12/2018 09:00

I get this from my 17yo dd. She's an only child, I have no parents alive. Dh's mum is alive but a few hours away ant we don't see her often.

Her bf has a large extended family so has far more exciting family gatherings. There's nothing I can do about it!

Singlenotsingle · 26/12/2018 09:03

Tell them that next year they can go to their boyfriends' families and you'll go on a Solo's holiday on your own.

brizzledrizzle · 26/12/2018 09:07

As late teens they can also take some responsibility for being more entertaining - if you told them they were boring they'd soon be offended.

Tofurkey · 26/12/2018 09:08

You can't blame them for finding a quiet Christmas a bit .. quiet. I prefer a full house and large family gatherings, it's not a crime.

No but you can blame adults for having a pop at their mother for being "boring" when it's hardly her fault she hasn't got anyone to liven things up!

OP I think they're probably at the age when Christmas just isn't as fun and they're blaming that on you. It's not your fault, they just aren't children. It's not as exciting. If you invited every old distant relative they'd complain about that for sure.

Hazardswan · 26/12/2018 09:11

It's a tricky age. There a huge pluses to both small and big families. I come from a small one and love it esp when I read the threads on here. The worse part of small families is when someone from a large fam gives you the sad pity face about it Hmm it's very weird having to defend your family to someone who judges by numbers.

Bugsymalonemumof2 · 26/12/2018 09:13

I used to spend alternate Christmases just me and my dad. Yes in a way it was boring but it never meant I resented him for it, it just wasn't the huge festive celebrations shoved in your face everywhere.

I'm now a lone parent to two and it is so tough but they won't resent you for it

juneau · 26/12/2018 09:14

They're not adults - they're teenagers - all teens are a bit dismissive about their parents surely? I know I was. Later on though I came to appreciate all that my parents did for me, the sacrifices they made, the love they managed to give (sometimes in difficult circumstances). That sort of self-awareness often doesn't strike until later in life though.

OP I would let it go, hurtful though you found the comments. Some people value quiet Christmases, others prefer ones with lots of people and when you're a teen it IS fun to have a big crowd together at Christmas and, lucky for them, they get to experience that too.

IdaBWells · 26/12/2018 09:15

I agree with Brizzle ask them what exciting looks like and tell them it’s their responsibility to make it happen! Although you’re happy to help. What about a Christmas party each year? Or some kind of gathering with friends? Do you know enough people who would like to come over so you can host a dinner party for example? As a previous poster said, it doesn’t sound like they realized anything was missing until recently. It would be easy to remedy if they are willing to put the graft into hosting. It could work out to be perfect to create Christmas traditions with friends because of course they are people you chose to spend your life with.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 26/12/2018 09:18

Ah Xmas OP

It’s a time that’s shit for so many people

All we see on TV and magazines is the large families yet for much of the world it’s not like that

Allow them their frustration and allow your pain . It’s over now x