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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My children have no one but me and they resent me for it

89 replies

greytwilight · 26/12/2018 08:32

It’s come as a bit of a blow to say the least. I am a lone parent without any other extended family to speak of. Both have complained Christmas at mine was boring Xmas Sad

OP posts:
chipsnmayo · 26/12/2018 09:19

Same here OP, just DD (19) and I, ex died 15 years ago and we rarely see ex's family.

Use to do the big family gatherings with my family but as all 'kids' are now adults, my dad's dead, mum's in a rest home and other family issues joint christmases seems to have fizzled out.

Last year it was just us two, I wouldn't say it was depressing but pretty boring, like any other day but with a fancy meal and lots of chocolate.

Although we have definitely made some changes, made pancakes and the we had a joint Christmas with my recently divorced friend and her daughters which was very lovely. Followed by a long walk on the beach together, then a good film.

We are not focusing on the day itself, we are visiting other friends during Christmas limbo and going to spend time with my brothers and their families in the New Year.

But omg I am so glad I do not have to suffer Christmases with my ex in laws anymore, there are bonuses!

Wonkysack · 26/12/2018 09:20

Same situation.
You can only do what you can do.

GenerationSnowflake · 26/12/2018 09:24

Tofurkey
a close friend is a widower with a daughter. He has never spent a lonely Christmas since he lost his wife many years ago, friends (including us) are more than happy to have them stay around for a few days. His daughter didn't have time to feel sad at Christmas when she was included in a big gang of children destroying the place partying around the house.

There's no rule on how you should spend Christmas, but there's no reason why anyone should feel lonely if they don't want to.

TimetoChange2017 · 26/12/2018 09:25

They're far too old to be expecting you to 'provide' Christmas for them. Suggest they pull their finger out next time and help create their preferred celebrations. And maybe turn on the news and count their blessings.

Original poster
greytwilight · 26/12/2018 09:31

To be honest I’ve lost touch with most friends - sad really Xmas Sad

OP posts:
Tofurkey · 26/12/2018 09:35

a close friend is a widower with a daughter. He has never spent a lonely Christmas since he lost his wife many years ago, friends (including us) are more than happy to have them stay around for a few days. His daughter didn't have time to feel sad at Christmas when she was included in a big gang of children destroying the place partying around the house.

Single fathers tend to get a lot of offers of help in a way mothers don't. If the OP had lots of offers I'm sure she'd have taken some up.

SnuggyBuggy · 26/12/2018 09:39

I'm going to be honest, I have parents who don't really have proper friends or a social life. As a teen I thought they were weirdos but now I know the term is introverted, I'm an introvert too but they are at the furthest end of the spectrum.

In some ways I did miss out growing up. I don't have anyone apart from my parents who has known me as both a child and adult and more importantly I didn't have anyone to model things like adult social skills which made early adulthood very difficult.

I do see where your DC are coming from. That said it doesn't cancel out any of the positives you have brought to their lives by being a loving parent.

Notacluethisxmas · 26/12/2018 09:39

OP can I ask why you avoiding answering, how you ended up in a situation where you don't have many people around?

It's ok us saying that you children are being unreasonable, but actually no one knows if they are.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/12/2018 09:40

Well that's a bit bloody rude of them, isn't it.
Ungrateful sods.
Sorry you had to put up with that behaviour!

Original poster
greytwilight · 26/12/2018 09:42

Yes that’s so true Tofu Flowers

To be honest there was one year I spend Christmas at a friends house as the children were very young and with their dads family and it was awful. I knew she was trying to be kind but honestly I have never felt more out of place or more like a charity case in my life before!

I am neither a weirdo nor particularly introverted snuggy, just a lone parent Xmas Hmm

OP posts:
GenerationSnowflake · 26/12/2018 09:43

Single fathers tend to get a lot of offers of help in a way mothers don't.
Hmm

or maybe single mothers have some weird pride and think they can't ask their friends

SnuggyBuggy · 26/12/2018 09:44

I didn't say you were a weirdo OP. I was just giving a perspective from a similar point of view to your teens

Original poster
greytwilight · 26/12/2018 09:44

Well, there’s no clear answer as to why Notaclue

I didn’t have a big extended family growing up - only one aunt and two cousins and my mum and aunt didn’t really get on very well. I can see why to be honest! I haven’t seen my aunt for years and I didn’t like her much either.

Friends have drifted despite me trying really hard to keep them, and I haven’t ‘replaced’ them (awful word but you know what I mean!) and that’s one thing I’m going to try at the NY. It isn’t easy though.

OP posts:
Original poster
greytwilight · 26/12/2018 09:45

Generation I’m sorry to be rude but that’s bollocks.

Sorry Snuggy Flowers I was probably being a bit defensive there Flowers thanks for being so gracious!

OP posts:
madroid · 26/12/2018 09:45

generationsnow that's a pretty insensitive comment.

People can be lonely at Christmas and the rest of the Year when they don't have connections with people which can be through bereavement, divorce, moving, illness or a host of other reasons none of which are their choice. It doesn't take a lot of imagination to understand that.

OliviaStabler · 26/12/2018 09:47

Try Meetup.com in the NY OP. It is a good way to make friends and socialise doing something you enjoy.

Original poster
greytwilight · 26/12/2018 09:48

Is it? I know it gets mentioned on here a lot but I’ve struggled with it to be honest Xmas Blush

OP posts:
MariaWaria · 26/12/2018 09:50

This year I'd presumed I'd be on my own for Christmas as mine are grown up and in relationships, so I announced early on that I'd be doing some voluntary work over Christmas or maybe going away.

Suddenly and very unexpectedly I started hearing how marvellous Christmas was at our house - not the food or presents - but all the bits of nonsense and fun things. Of course they'd be with me on Christmas day. What was I thinking???

It had become something they had taken for granted; something they now valued because they almost lost it.

Consequently, I involved them in the planning - food order, games, cooking etc and we had a nice day together. Shook it up a bit - went out to the local pub on Christmas Eve with some friends - none of us are drinkers - and made more of Christmas day breakfast than we usually do.

Yes, they were often on their phones and there were dull bits and DD was frequently showing us pics from her BFs Christmas day - the beautiful table etc.

But they were there, with me, at Christmas and it was and is lovely.

NameChanger22 · 26/12/2018 09:51

We don't have friends or family to meet up with on Christmas day either. People are doing their on thing on that day. Tell them they need to help with ideas to make Christmas less boring next year.

SnuggyBuggy · 26/12/2018 09:59

Besides don't all teens think their parents weird Grin.

I got a lot more sympathetic as an adult, I'm no Charismatic Carol myself and I soon learned that adult friendships are nothing like child or teen friendships. They are way harder and I've never had much luck with meetup type stuff either. It made me much more sympathetic.

Yours are still young, more time on their hands etc. They aren't quite at the stage where they appreciate everything you have done for them but it should come soon.

MrsFezziwig · 26/12/2018 10:01

If they are only just making the transition to adulthood, then they will only now be starting to realise that it isn’t up to someone else to sort their lives out.

If it’s only one day of the year they’re complaining then I think you’re doing a pretty good job! Flowers

GenerationSnowflake · 26/12/2018 10:01

and I do find it very annoying that everything has to turn into a man vs women, women being the victims, not getting as much help as men and so on. That is what is bollocks.

madroid if people want to feel sorry for themselves, that's their choice. If they want to book a holiday, throw a party or invite a big gathering for several day, that's their choice too. Unless you are in a hospital bed, you are free to do as you please. It's different if you suddenly lost a close one and are grieving, but otherwise it's up to you to organise your celebrations. You don't magically have a big gathering at Christmas, you organise it!

Original poster
greytwilight · 26/12/2018 10:06

That isn’t what is happening here, though, snowflake

I’m not going to be drawn into a daft argument but I do know widowed men in particular are supported in a way lone female parents to children aren’t.

It’s true you don’t magically have a big gathering at Christmas but most people understandably want to spend it with their own families!

OP posts:
HairyDogsFeet · 26/12/2018 10:06

I meant-why no family at all. Most children have some family even if not in touch with them. Do they have extended family they can reach out to now they are older?

DaysLikeThis1 · 26/12/2018 10:10

OP I sympathise and if people don’t have the insight to understand how a situation like yours (and mine!) can happen I wouldn’t worry about trying to explain.
Your dc are still probably not ‘finished’ and don’t realise that comments like the ones they made can be so hurtful. Try to let it go knowing you have, I imagine, done the best you can to make their Christmases as happy as you could. They probably enjoyed all of them.
Hope you have a wonderful New Year.