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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My children have no one but me and they resent me for it

89 replies

greytwilight · 26/12/2018 08:32

It’s come as a bit of a blow to say the least. I am a lone parent without any other extended family to speak of. Both have complained Christmas at mine was boring

OP posts:

Tofurkey · 26/12/2018 10:12

Why don't you google the statistics on how many widowers/vs widows actually end up looking after their own children after the other parent's death? Men get offered more help, family step in more... even raising the actual child for them

I don't actually care if reality is annoying for you.

Original poster

greytwilight · 26/12/2018 10:13

You too days

Hairy like I say there’s not really an extended family. Just my aunt who we haven’t seen for years (and don’t want to!)

OP posts:

Tofurkey · 26/12/2018 10:14

Single mothers are a dime a dozen because women always get stuck holding the baby, when a man does it people notice and offer help.

abacucat · 26/12/2018 10:15

I have an absolutely tiny extended family - basically my mum, brother and sister. I enjoyed Christmases growing up, but at about their age I was bored with Christmas, although I would never have said that. I do think they are rude to have done so.
But I think they would likely be bored with large extended family Christmases at this age too, if it was THEIR family.
I think it is part of the normal process of separation. And I wonder sometimes if having such a tiny family actually makes the separation process tougher and maybe thus makes the adult children more harsh in doing it.

NameChanger22 · 26/12/2018 10:16

I don't have contact with my family because my family are abusive. I've never had lots and lots of friends, usually just a few, but quite a lot of those decided to drop me around the time I became a single parent. The friends I do have now are busy with their family on Christmas day. DD's father is dead and his family were also abusive, so no contact there either.

Christmas can be a very lonely time for lots of people. Especially single parents and people with family problems. I don't know how you are supposed to conjure up a loving family and friends when there isn't one.

Tofurkey · 26/12/2018 10:16

OP you can also look on FB in your local area to see if there is a meet up group for single parents (or just people!)

Tofurkey · 26/12/2018 10:17

Similar Namechanger, I've also moved continents.Maybe we can rent a family?

NameChanger22 · 26/12/2018 10:17

Anyway, Christmas is either hard work (if you're hosting it) or boring (if you just sit around watching TV whilst being fed).

NameChanger22 · 26/12/2018 10:18

Tofurkey - I'd gladly pay for that and forego all the presents.

megletthesecond · 26/12/2018 10:20

I think it's very easy to end up with very few family and close friends, especially as working LP. It was just me and my dc's yesterday.
On the plus side I did get to tidy up and watch my choice of tv yesterday while the dc's were glues to screens.

GenerationSnowflake · 26/12/2018 10:21

Tofurkey of FFS, I should have use the word widow instead of widower, I should have known that it's impossible not to be drawn into an argument men vs poor us women on this forum, even when it's totally irrelevant.

Why don't you ask a single father how much help he gets, how rejected he is by all the "mums groups", how he is not tolerated in support group, how he is made feel like an intruder in baby clinic and so on? It's complete and utter bollocks that women get more help, even if you prefer it that way, it's simply not true.

Single mothers can spend Christmas with friends as much as anyone else, can invite people around as much as anyone else. It does irritate me no end that something about loneliness has to become gender orientated when it really is not.

Just ask yourself how differently parents react if their daughter is invited at a sleepover when the single parent is female, or male... ever considered that, among many other examples?

Original poster

greytwilight · 26/12/2018 10:22

I think snowflake is just after a row.

Merry Christmas

OP posts:

GenerationSnowflake · 26/12/2018 10:25

or maybe I cannot agree with posters talking rubbish. It's not me who started to argument because I dared mentioning a widower as an example.

Coronapop · 26/12/2018 10:26

I think you are taking the comments too seriously. They are just being typical (selfish) teenagers. In a few years they will have grown up and have more awareness of what you have done for them. TBH I find Christmas day quite boring (DH does the cooking), sitting around drinking and watching mostly rubbish on TV, trying to persuade my young adult children to come out for a walk with me.

Tofurkey · 26/12/2018 10:27

Actually snowflake men are welcome at all the baby groups and because they don't bother to show up most sure start centres now offer special Saturday options just for dads where they get bacon sandwiches and hire in special "man friendly" games etc.

because obviously, no one helps them. eh.

Tofurkey · 26/12/2018 10:28

or maybe I cannot agree with posters talking rubbish. It's not me who started to argument because I dared mentioning a widower as an example.

It was a stupid example, when you invited him over.

She can't invite herself to people's houses. I'm also guessing you know quite a few single mothers who you didn't invite over eh.

Tofurkey · 26/12/2018 10:29

You're right twilight. Anyway Merry Christmas!

GenerationSnowflake · 26/12/2018 10:33

Tofurkey
no they are not welcome, and creating a separate Saturday option insist on the fact that they are not welcome at the others.
there are many social media groups for mothers who don't accept men.

There were complaints when my own DH went to baby clinics, not to his face, he only got the evil looks, because it was inappropriate and was disturbing breastfeeding mothers

Anyway, you might offer more help to fathers than mothers, but I don't know anyone who is stepping out to help a father more than a mother. Around me, Invitations for Christmas and other times are being sent to single parent regardless of gender, because that's what you do around Christmas. But MN is a weird parallel universe sometimes.

GenerationSnowflake · 26/12/2018 10:35

It was a stupid example, when you invited him over.

Who is starting to start an argument?
If you want people around, you don't wait for an invitation, you do invite them yourself, or you ask if you can come and visit. How do you people ever visit friends and relatives?!?

Changeling1970 · 26/12/2018 10:35

Single mothers are a dime a dozen because women always get stuck holding the baby, when a man does it people notice and offer help

A massive generalisation!

BlueJava · 26/12/2018 10:36

Don't feel guilty - they are as responsible as everyone else for making the day go well. I have 2 late teen DS, we also had my parents (eighties, my DM has dementia) and I was slightly worried about whether my DS would find it boring. But they really helped and did things with my parents which in turn means they weren't bored either.

Original poster

greytwilight · 26/12/2018 10:37

It’s quite rude to invite yourself over snowflake

I mean obviously there are times where it’s appropriate, usually as a quick drop in, but not on Christmas Day.

OP posts:

MissCharleyP · 26/12/2018 10:38

I kind of understand where your DCs are coming from, my DPs are both only children so no aunts/uncles/cousins for me & DB. Our last surviving GP died when I was 12 and DB was 9. It was a bit shit when we were younger (I’m talking still at school) and people would have family parties with cousins/relatives and it was/is a bit sad that we will never experience the niece/nephew/aunt/uncle/cousin relationship. On the other hand....DH is from a big family; many of whom don’t talk to each other anyway!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/12/2018 10:41

greytwilight, I'm sorry your children were insensitive. The contrast between their experiences of Christmas with their partners' families and with their own, can be a bit stark sometimes.

Some of those 'adorable' families can lay it on a bit thick with the 'pity'. It's not really pity, it's a jibe that they can use to make themselves feel better. They don't care or think of the mum/dad at home on their own trying to make a good Christmas for their children. You only have to read some of the threads here to see how quickly and delightedly the boot is put into any parent (Mum!) who falls somehow short of their own exalted performances. Anything to give themselves a pat on the back at the expense of somebody else.

You've had some good advice on the thread, put this back to your children and ask them what their expectations were of Christmas - and then give them some responsibility to make that happen for the next one.

Merry Christmas and here's hoping that 2019 is a good year for you and your family.

Tofurkey · 26/12/2018 10:42

no they are not welcome, and creating a separate Saturday option insist on the fact that they are not welcome at the others.

No, it's because men need to be bribed and are also the only parent who works, right? Where are the working single mothers who can't go during the week? They don't get a special day.

A massive generalisation

Find me literally any statistics to prove otherwise.

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