Dh shoved me

[wasitmyfault]

Quite a present MNer, NC for obvious reasons!

It's Xmas eve, dh has been drinking for two days straight and using Christmas and seeing family he barely sees as an excuse. He's barely slept. We have one DS 2 and I'm 34w pregnant.

I have been quite snappy with him all day, I can't help but be irritated by his drinking as Christmas for me is about the children.

Spent the day at his mums, came home at 5 with intention of seeing to DS, putting him to bed and turning the living room into a little grotto so he would be excited when he woke. Dh invited his brother round (who loves to drink too) and I was upset because dh brother had already been round THAT MORNING and the previous night and I really just wanted to get sorted and have an early night with dh.

Maybe IWBU because I wanted it to go my way. Anyway, dh brother left and dh started gritting his teeth telling me how I've been such a bitch all day to him. He wasn't wrong, so I said I am sorry I've been snappy with you, I'm just irritated by how much you're drinking because I don't want you to have a foggy head on Christmas Day as it's about DS, not us. Then he shoved me into the door, usually I'd just stop and walk away but I didn't feel scared and I think I was goading him. I shoved him back and told him to get out the house, I shoved him a few times actually- he turned around and grabbed my arm (left a big bruise) and pushed me over then went to bed. I slept on the sofa.

I grew up with an abusive father & to me, a little push is him testing the waters and I expect it to get worse. Although he's not like this sober- he's perfect. But I just want to know if you all think I'm as much to blame, as I did push him and probably antagonise him too.

Really sorry for the incredibly long story- didn't want to drip feed.

Ps HAPPY CHRISTMAS

I'm so sorry this happened. I think you know the answer - ltb.

No, I don't think you're to blame for his violence towards you. Ltb as quick as you can and don't go back

We aren't actually married. For some reason I always put DH but we aren't. I made the mistake of moving into his house and relying on him. I actually have nowhere to go lol, and it's so close to my due date.

Unless it's good natured adults don't shove eachother. Ever. You can be drunk, you can be pissed off and you can be annoyed with your partner but you don't need to be physical to demonstrate these emotions. I would be very concerned and if you really want to stay in this relationship I would be having a chat when he's sober and give him a warning shot over the bows that this won't be tolerated a second time. And mean it. Personally having had my boundaries eroded on shit like this before I would be shoving him... out of the door. Life's too short.

I agree, there is no trust left. He apologises the next day but it really isn't enough. He doesn't share the same family values as I do.

He doesn't drink often, but when he does- he binge drinks.

He's only ever shown aggression when drunk, but I don't want to fear him drinking because of this.

Thank you for your responses. I think deep down I know my bitchiness isn't to blame (maybe the shoving). I probably just wanted to get it off my chest as obviously can't tell family.

I do know what to do, thank you.

No excuse ever to push a pregnant woman, ever! Even if you did push him which you know you shouldn't have done.

I'd be issuing an ultimatum- quit drinking or you split up.

(I actually did this for non violent reasons and dh quit drinking tee-total so unless he's an alcoholic then it is entirely feasible and if he is a good man then he will do it)

I've never shoved anyone. Never reacted in this way toward a partner. I felt so emotional and angry that he had done that that I almost felt I needed to show I wasn't afraid. Maybe I was proving to myself I wasn't afraid but I definitely went about it the wrong way.

IamWOman maybe I'll do that too- thank you

I hope he accepts! 💐 merry Christmas

Get Christmas out of the way for the sake of your son then issue an ultimatum: stop drinking or leave

Do you have friends or family you could stay with until you find somewhere to live? Do you have a job to go back to after mat leave?

But I just want to know if you all think I'm as much to blame, as I did push him and probably antagonise him too.

Honestly, don't wrap yourself in knots thinking about provocation and fairness - that's beside the point, this isn't a court case, you don't have to behave like a saint to justify feeling scared and threatened.

The situation relevant to you is that he pushed you into the door while you are heavily pregnant. Who does that? What things must he believe to think that that is ok?

You already know the answer to this and have good instincts about what to do next. I'm so sorry

Another one saying he can choose between drinks and his family. Lots of men are nasty arseholes when they're drunk, it's not your fault at all.

You're right, he shoved you to test the waters. i'm glad you know what to do

I'm so sorry this happened OP. Your OH is being childish and self indulgent using christmas and family as an excuse to do exactly what he wants with little or no regard for you or his growing family.

I wonder though, if there's a little more to it? Has he done this before? I'm asking as your phrase: He apologises the next day makes it sound like a regular thing rather than a one off.

In any case, do you have anywhere to go for a short time? Give him your cold shoulder and wait. When he's binged his little heart out and come out the other side you might be able to have a calm conversation about respect and adult behaviour. If he can't ltb

Put this whole idea of blaming yourself out of the window. You apologised. And frankly unless you were coming at him with a knife he had no reason to push you.

He's "perfect" when sober? But isn't he sober when he decides to start drinking?!? He's not perfect, he sounds pretty selfish getting that drunk at Christmas.

I'd say get through this week. Make it clear you are upset but want to put that to one side so your DS can enjoy Christmas. But then I'd be issuing the ultimatum.

He should be massively remorseful and accept all the blame for the situation. You should not be apologising.

You are more vulnerable because you are pregnant. Please tell your midwife and they will help you access support and help keep you safe but will not tell you to leave him

forthelifeofpomme he has never been physical with me before- although I do know it's there when he's had a drink. I can see it in his eyes that he wants to hit me. The furthest he's gone is raising his fist to me.

I always walk away and avoid fuelling the situation.

He is a very, very good man and a very good dad- I just can't deal with the binge drinking every 3m or so.

Thank you for all your
I feel as though I needed it today.

We haven't even discussed what happened as I didn't want to ruin Christmas Day. Now I don't know how to bring it up. I'm being cold to him. When he's sober he's wonderful and I'd never want to spend my life with anybody else. An ultimatum is really what I need to give him.

A good man doesn’t push his pregnant partner. A good father doesn’t push his pregnant partner.

Sorry just to explain my phrasing of 'he always apologises'

When he binge drinks he tends to stay up all night and invite friends round while me and DS are in bed, he leaves the house a mess and me and DS are getting up for breakfast before he's even gone to sleep. He apologises for being inconsiderate and treating the house like a doss hole.

TheFaerie I agree with you completely. He's a different person after drinking.

He is a very, very good man and a very good dad
No he's not

You and your kids deserve so much better x