Dh shoved me

[wasitmyfault]

Quite a present MNer, NC for obvious reasons!

It's Xmas eve, dh has been drinking for two days straight and using Christmas and seeing family he barely sees as an excuse. He's barely slept. We have one DS 2 and I'm 34w pregnant.

I have been quite snappy with him all day, I can't help but be irritated by his drinking as Christmas for me is about the children.

Spent the day at his mums, came home at 5 with intention of seeing to DS, putting him to bed and turning the living room into a little grotto so he would be excited when he woke. Dh invited his brother round (who loves to drink too) and I was upset because dh brother had already been round THAT MORNING and the previous night and I really just wanted to get sorted and have an early night with dh.

Maybe IWBU because I wanted it to go my way. Anyway, dh brother left and dh started gritting his teeth telling me how I've been such a bitch all day to him. He wasn't wrong, so I said I am sorry I've been snappy with you, I'm just irritated by how much you're drinking because I don't want you to have a foggy head on Christmas Day as it's about DS, not us. Then he shoved me into the door, usually I'd just stop and walk away but I didn't feel scared and I think I was goading him. I shoved him back and told him to get out the house, I shoved him a few times actually- he turned around and grabbed my arm (left a big bruise) and pushed me over then went to bed. I slept on the sofa.

I grew up with an abusive father & to me, a little push is him testing the waters and I expect it to get worse. Although he's not like this sober- he's perfect. But I just want to know if you all think I'm as much to blame, as I did push him and probably antagonise him too.

Really sorry for the incredibly long story- didn't want to drip feed.

Ps HAPPY CHRISTMAS

You are right to be concerned about his drinking. I'd dump him for that alone.

Nothing from what you've described suggests he's a good man. He sounds like an abuser with an alcohol problem; he can't control his intake and then gets aggressive. Not someone who is a thoughtful, supportive partner.

If alcohol turns you into a arsehole you don’t drink. This has to stop.

How are you now OP?

A very good man and a very good dad??
Sort it out before the baby comes and for the sake of your kids. He’s an abusive twat and will ramp it up. That’s inevitable.

Please raise your standards. This is NOT acceptable behaviour. Get yourself out of there before he does something worse you may regret

I would not describe someone who pushes over his heavily pregnant partner as 'a good man'. He's an abusive bully. He gets to blame it on booze and give a weak apology the next day. That's a scumbag who should be in jail. Not 'a good man'.

Oooh of dp did this to me I would be gone, no second thoughts.

I hope you are okay

TestingTesting, thank you for asking- I'm ok. I have a bruised arm and hip but more hurt that he hasn't brought it up or apologised. I know he remembers what happened.

He's questioning who I'm writing so much too his morning (on this thread)

Grucius you're correct, he can't control his intake. He thinks he's more enjoyable to be around when he's drunk

Someone earlier on nailed it OP when they said that this very ‘good’ man is sober when he decides he is going to start drinking.

He knows he is going to get into a mess

He knows he is going to leave the house a shit heap

He knows you hate it and it distresses you

He (now) knows it turns him into the sort of abuser who pushes around his pregnant girlfriend

And yet this ‘good’ man CHOOSES to drink because to him, the pleasure of being drunk is more important than all those things.

That’s NOT a good man.

Personally I think you should leave him. But if you really feel you can’t now then you need to say that if he drinks like that again you will leave him. Hopefully that will give you some time to get plans in place on how to leave and where to take your son. It also gives you a definite indicator of exactly what is more important, you or booze. I still think you should leave now though.

He's not a good man or dad if this is how he behaves
He stops drinking or leave

He hasn't apologised? Fuck sake bring it up show him the bruises his reaction will tell you what kind of man he is

make sure to wear a top that shows off your bruise really well and when anyone asks how you got that bruise that you are truthful... DH got drunk and hit me after being verbally abusive and shoving me in to the door frame, say it loud and very clearly, let him know you will not be ashamed or quiet about his abuse that you will tell everyone who asks!
DO NOT BE SILENT! DO NOT COVER FOR HIM!
thats how they get away with it because you are too ashamed and embarrassed to tell his friends and family, tell EVERYONE!

He's sober now and pretending it didn't happen. He is not a good person

I'm not a pacifist. if you hit me, I'll hit you back. But as fucking human I would never under any circumstances push a pregnant woman. Like you could walk up to me in the street and smack me in the face, not knowing you from Adam, and I'd run the other way to avoid a fight.

Any man who'd hit a woman because she asked him to parent is a piece of shit and should be in jail. If you hit a pregnant woman you deserve to have her 7 large navy seal brothers turn up on your doorstep.

He is an abusing alcoholic.

A good person who realised they abused their pregnant wife when drunk would make that mistake once and then never drink again. He knows what alcohol does to him and what he does to you when he is drunk and he doesn't care. He also doesn't care that you are pregnant or that your DS might see and hear all this so he is not a good father.

I am sorry you are with this alcoholic abuser. You need to get away.

Similar has happened to me before. I have had a book thrown at my back once and I've been shoved a few times.

I didn't LTB. It's happened on very rare occasions (like every 2 years or so) and I'm not actually hurt. I make very clear that it's not ok and he's on paper thin ice for me leaving. I've decided if it happened regularly or actually caused harm I won't even think about it, I'm gone.

I'm not saying you should copy my decision, you're pregnant which changes things. I don't really know why I'm responding, but couldn't read and not share my story

I've just seen your name.

Please be clear, this was not your fault.

You could be the biggest cunt in the world and have the most disgraceful behaviour.

Not one thing could possibly make it ok for a man to shove his pregnant (or non pregnant) wife.

He is not a good person. Or a good dad. or a good partner.

Alcohol doesn't turn you into a different person. It just allows aspects of you that you to come to the surface that either self-control, shame or fear normally keep hidden.

He drinks like this every three months? That is very often for a man with a small child and a pregnant partner.

He needs to stop drinking completely.

This is not ok behaviour. Don't minimise it. Most men do not behave like this. Keep this in mind when he says "but it is Xmas" or "it's only every few months". Most men don't behave like this ever, particularly after having small kids. You are not unreasonable to require better from him.

Look after yourself. Talk to women's aid and consider doing the freedom programme to recognise dangerous patterns of behaviour. Were you working before you were pregnant - will there be any maternity pay etc?

How about family and friends who could support you?

Phone your midwife. They are trained to look out for signs of abuse in pregnancy and will be able to steer you towards sources of help.
I do think you also need to consider reporting this to the police. It will be hard for you, but this isn't going to go away if you ignore it, it really isn't. Better to do it now than wait until your children have seen you beaten to a bloody pulp by their father.

As a first step, call Women's Aid. You aren't alone and there are people who will help you.

OP I’m a dick when I drink (never aggressive or anything just gobby and nasty). I know this. So I don’t drink.

He’s not a good man, a good partner or a good dad. You deserve better!

If he wants to hit you when drunk but is holding back, but perfect when sober.

Why would a "good man" continue to drink? He knows the outcome of his drinking. He chooses to be the "fun" guy even when he risks his pregnant partner.

@wasitmyfault firstly no it was not your fault!

I think a midwifery appointment is needed... he will think its routine but take your other child with you as you need to show you would never leave them in any danger. Be honest with her... from my calculations the next binge is due when you are a few weeks post partum, exhausted, emotional and in the name of wetting the baby's head... you could be long gone before then!

Also OP it is a fact that domestic violence usually gets worse or begins during pregnancy.

For some men they see you as caught and feel safer in doing whatever they want.

It's not good enough that he apologises when drinking has made him inconsiderate and leaving the house in a mess for you to deal with. If it was a genuine apology, he would make sure there was no repetition.

For you even to be querying at all whether this might be even slightly your fault shows that your thinking isn’t right at all OP. It is never someone’s fault when someone else is violent towards them unless they were violent first. You need to think about why your thinking is out of kilter in this way. Is it your past? Is it your ‘D’H gaslighting you? You need help OP. Talk to your midwife as a first port of call.