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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh shoved me

100 replies

wasitmyfault · 26/12/2018 07:07

Quite a present MNer, NC for obvious reasons!

It's Xmas eve, dh has been drinking for two days straight and using Christmas and seeing family he barely sees as an excuse. He's barely slept. We have one DS 2 and I'm 34w pregnant.

I have been quite snappy with him all day, I can't help but be irritated by his drinking as Christmas for me is about the children.

Spent the day at his mums, came home at 5 with intention of seeing to DS, putting him to bed and turning the living room into a little grotto so he would be excited when he woke. Dh invited his brother round (who loves to drink too) and I was upset because dh brother had already been round THAT MORNING and the previous night and I really just wanted to get sorted and have an early night with dh.

Maybe IWBU because I wanted it to go my way. Anyway, dh brother left and dh started gritting his teeth telling me how I've been such a bitch all day to him. He wasn't wrong, so I said I am sorry I've been snappy with you, I'm just irritated by how much you're drinking because I don't want you to have a foggy head on Christmas Day as it's about DS, not us. Then he shoved me into the door, usually I'd just stop and walk away but I didn't feel scared and I think I was goading him. I shoved him back and told him to get out the house, I shoved him a few times actually- he turned around and grabbed my arm (left a big bruise) and pushed me over then went to bed. I slept on the sofa.

I grew up with an abusive father & to me, a little push is him testing the waters and I expect it to get worse. Although he's not like this sober- he's perfect. But I just want to know if you all think I'm as much to blame, as I did push him and probably antagonise him too.

Really sorry for the incredibly long story- didn't want to drip feed.

Ps HAPPY CHRISTMASXmas Grin

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/12/2018 10:03

I had a friend years ago who stopped drinking alcohol at the age of 20 because he knew that alcohol turned him into a violent arsehole. He made that decision because he didn't want to ever do something in drink that would hurt someone else.
That's a responsible mature attitude to have.

Your partner doesn't have that. He thinks it's ok to go on a binge drinking session and get so drunk that he abuses his partner, his pregnant partner, and pushes her over. He thinks it's ok to bring drunk mates into the house where his partner and small child live. He thinks that drink is an excuse to do these things.
He's an immature, irresponsible and dangerous twat.

Sorry. :(

ChasedByBees · 26/12/2018 10:04

There is no way he is a good man.

A good man would NEVER raise a fist to anyone and certainly never push his pregnant partner. It’s a disgusting way to behave. I would report him to the police.

WrapAndRoll · 26/12/2018 10:05

OMG get out of there!

You are kind of accustomed to him being like this but it is completely unacceptable that he is abusive to you. And how would you feel if he turned on your children in this way?

Tell all the professionals and trusted friends/relatives you see so they can help you. Midwife, GP, etc.

You can do this Thanks

Singlenotsingle · 26/12/2018 10:05

I'm a bit worried that you're living in his house, unmarried with dc. Why do women do this? Really you ought to leave but you can't because you've nowhere else to go. If he decided he wanted you out, there would be nothing you could do. Let's say in 20 years, dc grown up, he wants you out, you'd end up on the streets. This is something you need to tackle now.

starcrossedseahorse · 26/12/2018 10:11

Oh OP, he is not a good man. Not at all and it breaks my heart that you think that he is.

if you cannot leave right now then you need to make plans to leave as soon as possible. You deserve better than an abusive alcoholic who is aggressive towards you.

Please do not stay with him for your own sake and the sake of your babies. Tell people what is going on and you will get help.

DavetheCat2001 · 26/12/2018 10:15

Think of your kids OP.

EffYouSeeKaye · 26/12/2018 10:18

What do you think an ultimatum is going to achieve? I might consider a relationship with him in the future, if he quit drinking and proved that he had no intention of starting again. Even then, it may be impossible because I’d always wonder.

I’m sorry. It’s a horrible situation. But if you can’t trust him, I think it’s better to end it now than risk an alternative outcome.

AsleepAllDay · 26/12/2018 10:22

You're pregnant and he SHOVED you? He has no regard for the welfare of his unborn baby as well as you, the mother! This is shocking

CanSurvive · 26/12/2018 10:24

OP it was not your fault. He is escalating. As everyone has said, he is the “sober good man” when he chooses to drink and knowing what that brings. My DH would never be so paralytic that he would abuse or hit me. I might get him spewing and unconscious on the floor if he drank that much but he would be more likely to tell me I was wonderful than hit me if he was that drunk.

S0upertrooper · 26/12/2018 10:25

There's a lot of good advice on this thread OP, please listen to it. At the very least please take photos of your bruises and write an account of what he did to you with date, how it made you feel etc. It's easy to forget how it felt. If you stay and he doesn't stop drinking it will happen again and you need to remind yourself how bad he made you feel. Good luck

Berniethefastestmilkwoman · 26/12/2018 10:25

Normally I wouldn't give an opinion as advising someone to leave someone is life altering advice and could have serious implications. But he pushed you over when you are pregnant. It shows he is able to hurt your baby when he is angry. It is way beyond what most normal people would have the stomach for. It is too much!

abbsisspartacus · 26/12/2018 10:26

It's not your fault

The reason you pushed him back is your pregnant and defending your unborn child you said it yourself you recognised the signs it was about to get worse and you reacted

rainbowstardrops · 26/12/2018 10:28

He shoved his heavily pregnant partner and he hasn't even apologised?!
You need to raise the subject then.
He is not a good man or a good father.

MotherofDinosaurs · 26/12/2018 10:30

Please don't put up with this. He is not a 'very good man' . And he is not a 'very good father' . Its not normal for a man to raise his fist at you. Its not normal for a man to shove you. Especially when you are pregnant. Hell I wouldn't even accept a man raising his voice to me let alone his fists. Please understand that you don't have to accept this. You deserve better.

PoliticalBiscuit · 26/12/2018 11:20

It sounds like you goaded him because you knew how vulnerable you are now, but how much more so you will be with two very young children after birth.

You were tired of running scared when he has a drink and you wanted to know - go on, what exactly will you do? Who are you?

He showed you.

Be honest with your midwife. Fake some stomach pain and tell your partner that you need to see her, and then tell her the truth. She'll help find you a way out Flowers

Original poster
wasitmyfault · 26/12/2018 13:19

I'm uneducated when it comes to this- I worry if I mention it to midwife she'd have to inform SS?

He'd never hurt the children, he'd never hurt me when he's sober. DS isn't around when he's really drunk like that, and I take DS out if he's drinking in the day. I don't let him be around it. Also if he's drinking at night then DS comes in my bed and OH knows he isn't to come in the bedroom. I'm not afraid of that.

Like I've said, my dad was abusive to my mum when drunk, genuinely I know the signs when I see it - I know oh is pushing the boundaries.

We've spoken today. He's been cold all morning, I've gone for a shower and when getting dressed he's noticed the bruises and asked what happened. He's adamant he doesn't remember what happened. I really don't believe that. He's very sorry (obviously, text book) we have spoken and he's promised he won't drink. I won't begrudge him a night out with friends If that's what he wants but he's aware he's to find somewhere else to sleep that night as I am not having him like that in the house.

I wouldn't stay or put up with something if I thought it would escalate. Without alcohol I know it wouldn't. We don't argue really when sober, we have stern words but we never yell and there's no aggression.

I'm not naive and I don't believe what people say when it's something like this. It is serious. Aslong as there isn't alcohol involved I know we will be fine.

Thank you ever so much for all of your responses and concerns, I think this is why I posted here. I needed some of the MN love so I knew I wasn't going crazy.

OP posts:
starcrossedseahorse · 26/12/2018 13:23

OP I am very sorry but you are being very naive indeed. You are living with an abusive man.
Please do not stay with him - for your children's sakes if not your own.

AnyFucker · 26/12/2018 13:28

he is a very good man and father

You are deluding yourself, and you know it.

abbsisspartacus · 26/12/2018 13:29

He is lying to you

SlowDown76mph · 26/12/2018 13:51

Photograph and time date those photos. Keep a copy of your posts here. He is lying. How dare he.

SlowDown76mph · 26/12/2018 13:52

*Photograph the bruises

lau888 · 26/12/2018 13:53

He shoved you first, so you were defending yourself. In my experience, it doesn't get better. Sorry. x

IAmW0manHearMeRoar · 26/12/2018 14:43

Having dealt with a very similar issue, and also promised in sickness and in health... my dh is an amazing man but did some horrible things when drunk, I issued him an ultimatum and he agreed to quit and he did Tee total, 6 years and counting.
He did it for his family, so will yours if he really is a good man.
But make sure you only give him one chance, if he breaks your trust again then you have to do the hard thing and leave. (Or kick him out)

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 26/12/2018 14:50

He’s not a good man, he’s not a good father.

Please protect yourself and your children from this horrible man. You can stop history repeating itself.

Gobblebox · 26/12/2018 14:59

Even without the shove he sounded awful. I wouldn’t stick around nor give ultimatums. Get you ducks in a row and leave ASAP.

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