Dh shoved me

[wasitmyfault]

Quite a present MNer, NC for obvious reasons!

It's Xmas eve, dh has been drinking for two days straight and using Christmas and seeing family he barely sees as an excuse. He's barely slept. We have one DS 2 and I'm 34w pregnant.

I have been quite snappy with him all day, I can't help but be irritated by his drinking as Christmas for me is about the children.

Spent the day at his mums, came home at 5 with intention of seeing to DS, putting him to bed and turning the living room into a little grotto so he would be excited when he woke. Dh invited his brother round (who loves to drink too) and I was upset because dh brother had already been round THAT MORNING and the previous night and I really just wanted to get sorted and have an early night with dh.

Maybe IWBU because I wanted it to go my way. Anyway, dh brother left and dh started gritting his teeth telling me how I've been such a bitch all day to him. He wasn't wrong, so I said I am sorry I've been snappy with you, I'm just irritated by how much you're drinking because I don't want you to have a foggy head on Christmas Day as it's about DS, not us. Then he shoved me into the door, usually I'd just stop and walk away but I didn't feel scared and I think I was goading him. I shoved him back and told him to get out the house, I shoved him a few times actually- he turned around and grabbed my arm (left a big bruise) and pushed me over then went to bed. I slept on the sofa.

I grew up with an abusive father & to me, a little push is him testing the waters and I expect it to get worse. Although he's not like this sober- he's perfect. But I just want to know if you all think I'm as much to blame, as I did push him and probably antagonise him too.

Really sorry for the incredibly long story- didn't want to drip feed.

Ps HAPPY CHRISTMAS

Even without the shove he sounded awful. I wouldn’t stick around nor give ultimatums. Get you ducks in a row and leave ASAP.

This. Pushing and bruising me while pregnant is way beyond the line of no return. I wouldn't ever want my young kids exposed to this (and he's unlikely to change instantly even if he is willing to try).

Some people don't react to alcohol in a normal way, and it really does transform them into horrible people when they are good deep down. The only solution for those people is to quit drinking altogether. If they really care about those around them, they will do it.

But he is showing no remorse and apparently pretending not to know where you got your bruises. To me it doesn't look good.

He's hurt you, he's been cold, he wasn't aware that he did it.

He will carry on drinking but avoid you whilst he does so.

Imagine having a 3 week old baby, and a 2 year old toddler, and he goes out, and comes home because he's forgotten he shouldn't. You tell him to get out, he tells you he's welcome in his own fucking house if he wants to be. He throws something. You leave and shut yourself in your room with your two babies. You're trapped and have no where to go and no energy to fight for a better life or a new situation. Work with the midwifery team for a comfortable situation and a restful post birth.

He's not different when he drinks. Just uninhibited.

You say you can see it in his eyes. And that he has raised his fist.

Get rid before he becomes like that towards your children. His behaviour, this violence he has pulled a veneer over is abnormal. Real relationships don't involve walking away to avoid being hit when you disagree.

You are working around his abuse, that in itself is abusive. If he was a good man he would have joined AA today.

Does he do coke op? Him still being up when you get up doesn't sound right for drink alone.

And I agree it will escalate. LTB.

PoliticalBiscuit that thought gave me chills.

I agree, real relationships don't involve one walking away to avoid violence. I know I must leave now, I've been thinking of it all day & yesterday.

Eliza yes actually a lot of nights when he drinks he does do coke, that is something I say no to when our son is in the house but a lot of the time he denies it until I find out.

Reading my replies back are shocking as I see how it looks and sounds to someone else. Absolutely insane. Regardless of the violence I can feel history repeating itself, my dad was the same as oh, I really do know that I do not want my two boys to grow up thinking it's normal or end up resenting me or their father.

I know an ultimatum won't cut it

This is why I think telling someone caring and compassionate will help you. Someone to help you be responsible and accountable to your own children. Someone who will hold your hand, give you extra support in your few final weeks whilst you wait for your new life with two wonderful children - who you adore and who will live you unconditionally.

I am worried about you. Please go and get checked out and tell your midwife how you are coping and start afresh

Tell a HCP about this and they will find ways to keep you safe, you shouldn’t have to live in fear of when he starts drinking again, and it’s not something you want your DC exposed to either.
I hope you’re OK, you can do this for you and your children.

What would your reaction have been if your child had been sitting on the stairs watching this go down?
You know what you need to do. Please don't let your kids grow up with a father like yours. Don't let them feel like you did.
It will not stop.
Take a picture of your bruises. Use them to make you strong.
If a man child cannot restrict his booze intake to make your child's Christmas special, if he puts drink before your child and your unborn baby, despite so called provocation, then you need to find somewhere to go. Now.

Bit if a huge drip feed there OP. Your DP is also a coke head and you didn't think that was an imporant factor?

Get your shit in order and give your kids a chance to make better decisions than you or him have Guess what? Cokeheads and binge drinkers don't make wonderful parents or partners.

Of important

I hate this phone.

Nothing to add as it’s all been said OP, just feel sad at how vulnerable you are xx The coke and alcohol combo is horrific for triggering aggression. Whatever you decide please t

Sorry, meant to say please take care

@wasitmyfault it's heartwarming to read your brave post. Protecting your children comes in so many forms, the first is by protecting yourself.

My biggest fear is that you stay, plod through life dreading the next incident then brushing it off again on a cycle. Until one day your H goes too far and your children don't have you anymore or your son watches this for years and snaps to defend the mother he loves and ends up in either trouble or hospital.

You can do this, you need to do this. Xxx

You wouldn't stay if it escalated?

Sorry to tell you it has.

You take your child out so he doesn't see him drinking and doing drugs.

He has gone from raising his fist wanting to hit you to physically shoving you over and bruising you.

What could have happened to the child you are carrying? That is not the actions of a good man or dad.

You sound clued up to what the next step would be. Don't be there for it.

Thank you all for your concern, it's made me feel very emotional. We're currently 200 miles from home visiting my father (who no longer drinks and is a good husband to his new wife).

OH knows that we're through. We will be home in two days and then can go from there. My mum has said we can stay wth her until I figure something out. Stupidly I don't have any savings or a contingency plan but luckily I'm surrounded by amazing family who would never see me or my DS go without.

I feel sad, I don't feel like it's what I want but I know my feelings are clouded by how heartbroken oh is acting. It's what needs to happen.

Thank you again

You might not want it now but in a few months or however long when you realise you arent living on eggshells or anticipating the next incident you will be glad you've done it.

Stay strong.

The thing is that you're right - ultimatums won't work, and giving in to your OH's sadness that he has brought this upon himself won't work either, because if you change your mind and stay then he has zero incentive to do anything about his behaviour.

It's just possible that you leaving might be his "rock bottom" and his turning point, where he realises that he's driven his family away by his drinking and drug-taking - in which case, he may turn his life around. If he does this, you'd want to leave it an absolute MINIMUM of 6 months and preferably a year before you even thought about going back to him, if you even wanted to by then. He'd have to prove he'd honestly really changed - and anything less is utterly unacceptable and you should stay away.

I'm glad you have family support - take full advantage of it.

I'm uneducated when it comes to this

Let me give you a wake up call, the time when a woman is most at risk from severe DV is when she is pregnant or when the relationship has ended.
Do not go back with him, go straight to your Mums. Arrange to collect your stuff with company. You can phone Women's Aid and ask if they will help recover your belongings.

He has bruised you and he pretends he cant remember. Stop minimizing and take this seriously.

dfvbenchbook.aija.org.au/dynamics-of-domestic-and-family-violence/factors-affecting-risk/

I won't change my mind. I love him but I love my children more, there's no way that I'd risk them ever knowing that their father is abusive, whether it be mental, emotional or the occasional push and shove.

When I speak of what our relationship is like to others I realise he's quite controlling and manipulative. I would hate if my little sister explained her relationship and it was like mine.

It breaks my heart, when he's sober and happy- he can be so lovely. I hope he finds the help that he needs.

The good news is that you say how heartbroken he's acting. Because that's exactly what he is doing. Acting. You have come on a long way but I would recommend you have someone with you when you do move or do it in secret.
It is the most dangerous time for women when they leave a violent partner.

Well done lovely on your realisation. When you write about saying you took your DS out when he was drinking and into your bed for protection, I was coming on to day that’s really really not normal behaviour that you’re having to use.

Can you stay with your dad or get your mum to come and get you? Do you think driving back with him alone is a good idea?

A good and brave decision, I think.

please keep us updated or we will worry. Biggest hugs