Excluded

[xmastears]

This is going to be a bit long but I don't want to drip feed!

I have two half-sisters, one of whom is friendly (most of the time) and the other who seems to despise me. We share the same father, who married my stepmother when I was about 6 years old. My half-sisters are about 5-6 years younger than me.

Our dad is currently in hospice after a year of fighting for his life. It's been hard for all of us, but especially for him. For years, we've all spent Christmas together, either at my Dad and stepmother's home or at my elder half-sister's as they have enough room to seat us all.

This Christmas morning the DC (teens) and I went to see him, bringing a presents and a Christmas breakfast as my stepmother suggested. My stepmother was there, as always, as was my younger half-sister (the friendly one). The elder half-sister, her H and her DC, weren't there. I didn't think anything of it because Dad's room is quite small and he tires easily.

Just before my stepmother shooed us away to allow Dad to rest, I asked what the plan was for the rest of the day. Apparently, my elder half-sister had invited everyone to their house for Christmas dinner. Everyone except me and my DC. And Dad, of course, who is far too ill.

I was shocked into silence. The DC and I drove back home (an hour's drive, so two hours round trip). I'm
angry, hurt and confused. My DC haven't said much.

AIBU to almost hate my elder half-sister for excluding us?

The elder half-sister is gearing up to cut ties with you and your family. Before she does this make sure you know the ins and outs of the will — if she’s the executer it could spell trouble for you.

@Cherries101 !! Absolutely gobsmacked - that never occurred to me about the will! Surely my half-sister wouldn't be allowed any say/control over Dad's will? Conflict of interest, etc.?

We ended up having toasted cheese sandwiches for Xmas dinner. Epic fail.

Anyone can be named as the executor on a will, it's normally someone close to the person and absolutely can be family. My step brother is the executor of my stepdad's will.

How come you didn't have stuff in for Xmas day dinner though if you didn't have any invite anywhere?

It does suck that you wasn't invited but I'd just use it as the catalyst to cut ties yourself.

It depends who the executor of the will is. You need to know what arrangements have been made.

Have you ever hosted? Did you expect to have Xmas dinner at one of theirs? Maybe they were fed up of hosting you and you never hosting them?

How come you didn't make plans for your own Christmas dinner as you knew you were going for just breakfast with them?

Why didn't you talk to each other about arrangements beforehand? (Dinner, I mean, not your inheritance)

I’m so sorry your dad is so ill. I’m sure he really appreciated your visit.

It’s more likely that your stepmum is the executor unless she is very elderly. But I know you’re not thinking about money right now anyway and are hurt by how you’ve been treated.

Did the not so nice half sister invite you and then univite you?

Had you not had any conversations beforehand about where you would be having your Christmas meal? It sounds like you assumed someone would be hosting you are unreasonable to do that.

Executors don't decide who gets what they have to do what the will says don't they?

Executors don't decide who gets what they have to do what the will says don't they?

Not unless there is a flexible trust and then there would be at least 2 trustees anyway.

They may have a say over personal belongings and a hostile executor can be difficult about providing info etc, but not insurmountable.

Had you not discussed Christmas with your family in advance?

Understanding that you Dad is poorly and this adds lots of pressure, but did you expect to just rock up and be hosted somewhere?

Did you (in the past) take gifts and food to contribute?

Also sounds like your half sister is fed up with it. I wouldn’t jump to the inheritance conclusion, but that’s also a possibility.

It’s a bit odd to assume you were invited for lunch without actually having discussed it. But your dad is dying and it’s obviosuky a stressful time for everyone.

The last thing I think you should be thinking about at the moment is your father's will. There will be nothing for you in any case I would imagine it will go to his spouse.

I expect your older sister doesn't feel like a big Christmas do while your father is so poorly.

But you could talk to her. I think it's a bit much on your part to just expect her to cater for you all under the circumstances.

I can see why you were feeling hurt, but I find it odd that you had just assumed you were going to your stepsister's for Christmas dinner when you hadn't been invited. Maybe the stepsister is fed up of you assuming that you'll have Christmas dinner at her house?

1. I do have an entire Xmas dinner for three waiting in the fridge. We'll be enjoying it later today.

1. The only family members with a dining area large enough to host eleven people are my dad and stepmother and the eldest half-sister. Everyone else brings a contribution to the hosts; veg, starters, pudding, wine, etc.

Had you just assumed you were all having Christmas together without discussing it? If your other sister and stepmum didn't step in and push for you all to be included then once your father dies I don't think they will see much of you either, I'm afraid.

half sister

I had no idea a proper Christmas dinner was being held until it came up in conversation at Dad's bedside.

Totally agree with Clowdy. Did you just turn up, ask what the plans were and expect someone to be cooking for your family?

Sorry, crosspisted with you, op

Posted 😳

I do have an entire Xmas dinner for three waiting in the fridge. We'll be enjoying it later today

So why the cheese sandwiches? Not that I don’t bloody love a toasted cheese sandwich mind!

And Dad was unhappy that we weren't invited. Poor Dad!

Also confused about Christmas Dinner arrangements... Did you just assume that you would be going to your step mother's or step sisters despite the situation with your Dad? Wasn't this discussed in advance?

Having said that, it was horrible of her to exclude your family. Is there a back story?

YANBU to be upset at being excluded and worry about what this means for the future

YABU however to assume you and your family had an invite to anyone's house for Christmas Dinner without having expressly discussed it with them an confirmed arrangements. Surely even if she was your full sister or parent there would be some communication to agree what time and who was providing what parts of the dinner/drinks etc?