Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Excluded

93 replies

xmastears · 26/12/2018 04:33

This is going to be a bit long but I don't want to drip feed!

I have two half-sisters, one of whom is friendly (most of the time) and the other who seems to despise me. We share the same father, who married my stepmother when I was about 6 years old. My half-sisters are about 5-6 years younger than me.

Our dad is currently in hospice after a year of fighting for his life. It's been hard for all of us, but especially for him. For years, we've all spent Christmas together, either at my Dad and stepmother's home or at my elder half-sister's as they have enough room to seat us all.

This Christmas morning the DC (teens) and I went to see him, bringing a presents and a Christmas breakfast as my stepmother suggested. My stepmother was there, as always, as was my younger half-sister (the friendly one). The elder half-sister, her H and her DC, weren't there. I didn't think anything of it because Dad's room is quite small and he tires easily.

Just before my stepmother shooed us away to allow Dad to rest, I asked what the plan was for the rest of the day. Apparently, my elder half-sister had invited everyone to their house for Christmas dinner. Everyone except me and my DC. And Dad, of course, who is far too ill.

I was shocked into silence. The DC and I drove back home (an hour's drive, so two hours round trip). I'm
angry, hurt and confused. My DC haven't said much.

AIBU to almost hate my elder half-sister for excluding us?

OP posts:
newmumwithquestions · 26/12/2018 08:23

I’m really confused by the cheese sandwich comment. What were you expecting to do for Christmas dinner?
And I can understand why your SIL wouldn’t want to host a big dinner yesterday - maybe they’re a bit stressed and didn’t want to do the same thing as usual, just without your dad?
Do you have other family OP? Did you live with your dad and stepmum/stepsisters growing up?

Loveweekends10 · 26/12/2018 08:23

I think your head is probably all over the place. Perhaps you should just forget about Xmas dinner. It’s trivial. Concentrate on your dad. Big hugs.

SoyDora · 26/12/2018 08:26

If you’ve got an entire Christmas dinner in the fridge, why did you have sandwiches?
Were you expecting to be invited somewhere?

Original poster
xmastears · 26/12/2018 08:28

Cheese sandwiches because I cried and ranted in the parking lot before driving back. It was 4 pm by the time we got home. We opened our pressies and then decided we were too tired and dispirited to make Christmas dinner (turkey, stuffing, sprouts, mashed pots, carrots, gravy, etc). DD offered to make grilled cheese, bless her.

Still awake. Sorry I have to justify myself on here when all I wanted was some comfort.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 26/12/2018 08:29

I think people are just trying to understand where you were expecting to eat Christmas dinner.
I’m sorry you had a rubbish day.

sackrifice · 26/12/2018 08:29

Wnat happened to the breakfast that you took?

Rapidjohnson · 26/12/2018 08:30

That sounds really shitty. I totally feel for you. It's not you, it's her. Just remember that. Keep focus on your day today. X

PrettyLovely · 26/12/2018 08:30

She sounds mean for leaving you out, and they arent much better for going along with it.
Sorry you are having a shit time of it op Flowers

glotterbug · 26/12/2018 08:31

Please take some comfort. You deserve and need some right now.
OP stated the reason she was upset was that Christmas dinner was arranged excluding her family not that she expected someone to cater for them.
OP I hope you have a better day today 🍸

Lifeofsmiley · 26/12/2018 08:31

Why would you want to go to someone’s house for Christmas dinner who openly despises you?
Why didn’t you just have your Christmas dinner instead of the cheese sandwiches?
Apart from that, I would also agree that she is gearing up to cut contact with you when your df passes.

Original poster
xmastears · 26/12/2018 08:31

Whoops. Just remembered I posted on AIBU so should have expected to be challenged. Sorry.Blush

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 26/12/2018 08:33

I think we all feel for you having such a horrible day. It’s just some bits were confusing which is most likely because you haven’t slept.

Your DD sounds lovely making you all sandwiches, and you can enjoy your dinner today instead.

peachgreen · 26/12/2018 08:33

Sounds like they're keeping Christmas low key this year which makes sense given your dad is so ill. Given you didn't raise it with any of them before Christmas, presumably they assumed you were happy to spend it at home. I don't think it was a deliberate exclusion, just a very different Christmas.

RayRayBidet · 26/12/2018 08:34

YANBU op, that was a really shitty thing of your half sister to do.
I'm really sorry about your dad Flowers

MsTSwift · 26/12/2018 08:35

Not criticising you op but most people are very clear about where they are spending Christmas Day I don’t get why you even thought you were going to your sisters if not specifically invited in advance? Very hurtful though

EnglishRose13 · 26/12/2018 08:35

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Your half-sister is a bitch for excluding you but why hadn't you queried plans before the day? Surely these things are planned weeks in advance?

Original poster
xmastears · 26/12/2018 08:40

@Lifeofsmiley I don't want to have anything to do with my wretched half-sister ever again. Not after such a horrible snub. It hurts, though. Especially after seeing my beloved dad in hospice, all skin and bones, weak, tired and desperately ill.

And a fellow resident passed away just an hour before we arrived. That person's family rode up in the lift with us. They were too shocked to cry. It was terrible. To have your loved one pass away on Christmas morning...

I'm in tears again. So sorry. It's just been a very hard day emotionally.

OP posts:
converseandjeans · 26/12/2018 08:41

I think the elder step sister is not going to want to keep in touch in future. It must be hard when a parent moves on and has a new family. YANBU to be upset after a long journey and your Dad being ill.
Where is your own Mum? Do you have other family to spend time with?

Firesuit · 26/12/2018 08:41

I don’t get why you even thought you were going to your sisters if not specifically invited in advance?

In case anyone else missed it, she didn't think she was going. What she didn't know is that there was an extended family dinner to which she had (for the first time) not been invited.

converseandjeans · 26/12/2018 08:43

I doubt your step sister has any idea how you must feel. She sounds to be lacking in empathy.

Blackness78 · 26/12/2018 08:45

Shitty behaviour. They can't erase you out of their lives...can they? Sad

Are they trying to forget that your father had a past, and a child, before meeting DSM?

I'm not surprised your father was upset. But, you know what, try not to let it get to you too much, you've done nothing wrong! Remember that.

Let them get on with it.

Bungleinthejungle · 26/12/2018 08:47

I don't think the OP thought she was being invited! Hence having bought the full works herself. It sounds like she thought it wasn't happening because of her father's illness. And I completely understand how it would be hurtful to be excluded. It's only three extra they'd have to cater for.

I'm not sure why there are so many people on here who don't understand that it's awful to be excluded, especially by family. I've had this happen before OP, although not at Christmas, and it does really hurt. It's not about the catering, it's about people showing they don't want to be with you. I'm not sure how to resolve this going forward. You may be forced to try and build relationships just with the nice stepsister. Although it's rotten that the others didn't stick up for you. How's your relationship with your stepmother. You'd think she'd feel close to you having known you for so many years, but people are funny!

OldGrinch · 26/12/2018 08:54

I am so sorry OP what a horrible and mean spirited thing for your step sister to do, people seem to be missing the point that you have always spent Christmas together as a family in the past. I would be very upset too, your DC sound lovely, try and have a nice day together today Flowers Is your mum around?

Original poster
xmastears · 26/12/2018 08:58

My stepmother's known me since I was 5. She was 19 at the time and in fairness to her, especially in the late 60s, she didn't realise that marrying my dad meant accepting a stepdaughter too. Or if she did, she wasn't prepared for a little girl who didn't understand why Mummy and Daddy weren't together anymore.

Still, that was many years ago. She always disliked me but managed to put up with me on the odd weekend or week of school holiday.

My half-sisters and I loved each other to bits until they reached adulthood. Especially the nasty one. She used to adore me. And I her. I've never understood what happened, how and why she started to resent me. I never knew how much she hated me until yesterday.

OP posts:
PirateWeasel · 26/12/2018 09:00

It def sounds like elder sister feels that your dad is the glue holding you all together and that if he's not around she doesn't need to include you... Which is really horrid considering how long you have been a family. If I were you I would be extending an invitation to stepmother and nice sister next Christmas if your dad is no longer with you, and see how she takes that! There's no reason for you to lose touch with them just because she has decided to be nasty. Whatever you do don't let this sour the time you've got left with your lovely dad Flowers

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread