Excluded

[xmastears]

This is going to be a bit long but I don't want to drip feed!

I have two half-sisters, one of whom is friendly (most of the time) and the other who seems to despise me. We share the same father, who married my stepmother when I was about 6 years old. My half-sisters are about 5-6 years younger than me.

Our dad is currently in hospice after a year of fighting for his life. It's been hard for all of us, but especially for him. For years, we've all spent Christmas together, either at my Dad and stepmother's home or at my elder half-sister's as they have enough room to seat us all.

This Christmas morning the DC (teens) and I went to see him, bringing a presents and a Christmas breakfast as my stepmother suggested. My stepmother was there, as always, as was my younger half-sister (the friendly one). The elder half-sister, her H and her DC, weren't there. I didn't think anything of it because Dad's room is quite small and he tires easily.

Just before my stepmother shooed us away to allow Dad to rest, I asked what the plan was for the rest of the day. Apparently, my elder half-sister had invited everyone to their house for Christmas dinner. Everyone except me and my DC. And Dad, of course, who is far too ill.

I was shocked into silence. The DC and I drove back home (an hour's drive, so two hours round trip). I'm
angry, hurt and confused. My DC haven't said much.

AIBU to almost hate my elder half-sister for excluding us?

So sorry about your dad.

It was thoughtless of your step sister. She may have thought you would have other arrangements but considering the distance she should have offered. People don’t always think in times like these.

Make your family a lovely dinner today and have a bit of rest later.

Well you said she doesn't like you, and the only thing you have in common is your Dad. Since he wasn't going to be there, I can see why she wouldn't have invited you. You had the makings of Christmas dinner, so I don't really see what the fuss is about. She doesn't like you, move on. Had you no plans yourself for Christmas dinner?

At least you know where you stand

It's helping me to pour all of this out. I know I should try to sleep but it's all been such a shock.

Because Dad's so very ill, I just assumed that no family dinner was planned. It's not like he's able to join in! How could they have the "usual"
without Dad? And to leave him all alone while they're off stuffing themselves!!

If it's of any comfort (which it probably isn't), I have three half-siblings. We all got along okay, until one by one, they started to exclude me from outings, and ignore messages from me. There was a change in behaviour. This was instigated by the 'nasty one'. She pitted us all against each other. It hurt like Hell.

I messaged her, outlining her behaviour and how she has driven a wedge between our, already frail, family and then I blocked her, and them.

It still hurts but I choose not to be part of their circus anymore.

Maybe some of your stepmother's dislike has rubbed off on her elder daughter?
I don't know - it seems such a shame that your stepmother has allowed dislike of a small child to affect her life for so many years!

So sorry about your Dad - and your upset at being excluded, but I agree this is probably setting the scene for what's likely to happen after your Dad is gone. At least you've had warning though :(

Yes, in answer to your question, my
mum's around, happily married to my stepdad. Traditionally we spend Xmas eve together as my stepdad is Scandinavian.

It's shitty, OP, it really is. And ffs people of mumsnet, stop constantly looking for ways the OP could be in the wrong here and simply offer helpful advice if you are able, especially this time of year.

Family dynamics change OP when a main player in the family set-up is seriously ill or has passed. It sounds to me that it's the sisters way of showing you how it will be in the future, unfortunately, but as you said above, you've always had strained relations with her. It's easy to say 'why are you bothered?' etc etc but most of us are, deep down, when it's family as the feelings run very deep.

Take care of yourself, it's easy to run yourself down with a poorly parent. Take comfort in your DC and enjoy a lovely dinner with them today.

Easier said than done but do all you can to maintain a positive relationship with the other sister and step mum? (Apologies if I read that wrong).

Above all else, again easier said than done but try not to let it effect you massively and, if it does, try not to let her see it.

I wouldn’t jump to a conclusion that she hates you. Your dad is dying, this is a difficult time for everyone. The decision to meet up without you is hurtful but perhaps not intentionally. Don’t make any dramatic moves based on one snub.

I’m going against the grain but I don’t think you’re half sister was obligated to invite you to dinner, you stated the only places big enough for dinner for 11 was step mothers and your half sisters house. Hosting 11 is a lot especially with visits to the hospice inbetween and children about. Stepmother might not have been up to it but her dd offered to host but to keep it low-key. Reading between the lines do you always go to stepmothers or the half sister for Christmas dinner and never host? My ex had half siblings although he sees them he didn’t really describe them as proper siblings because he didn’t live with them and grow up with him and felt he had more of a cousin type relationship ironically he was much closer to his closers who he actually saw. I think it’s hurtful op but I don’t think they are totally in the wrong.

Crumbs, I think the earlier posters got out of bed on the wrong side op. I would have been upset too if I learned only that morning there was to be a family get together without me! Christmas is a time to come together (especially when your father is so ill).Someone in your family should have spoken up way before Xmas day to say how wrong it was. I hope you and you children can put their disgusting behaviour behind yourselves and have a better day today.
As for those saying op expected to be hosted , at no time did she suggest that. And if the family were fed up with hosting and wanted to do it differently then excluding a member and her DC is a pretty crap way to go about it.

Oh dear. It's only just hit me that when Dad goes, I'll lose all that side of the family too! Not that it's such a great loss, now I see how little they care about me and my DC.

Trouble really started with my stepmother when I divorced XH. No-one knew (except the DC, who were also victims) of his violent rages and severe emotional and financial abuse.
My stepmother and half-sisters thought XH was goddam Prince Charming and blamed me for divorcing him, saying I was spoilt and selfish and destroying my family. Ha! Little did they know that XH was literally destroying us. Dad eventually believed me, but stepmother and half-sisters never believed it.

Hmm. I think I've just discovered the root of the problem.

I can't see why that would cause so much disruption though, unless they preferred him to you!
Regardless of your reasons (perfectly valid!), it was your life and your choice - what on earth was it to do with them?

So sorry. :(

I agree with TestingTestingWonTooFree.

I can imagine a situation where she didn't feel like a huge gathering, but didn't want her mum to be alone for half of xmas day so invited her over. Sister finds out and is also invited so that it's not awkward (or was invited anyway) but she couldn't face a big family gathering and knew you wouldn't be alone, and/or felt you wouldn't want the happy jolly lively festivities that they did, given that it's your dad who is dying. Misjudged? Seems like it, but not necessarily deliberately cruel imo.

Punto that's ridiculously insensitive. You don't just 'move on' from family, even ones you don't get on with. It takes grieving and sadness. Would you say that to someone who'd just separated or become estranged from their children. Also OP's father is dying. Emotions will be heightened in any case.

OP I'd maybe think of alternative arrangements next year. Maybe inviting the nice sister for morning/evening drinks or for you to go away with your family somewhere - hire a cheap cottage. Anything so you feel less the loss of that side of the family. Sorry about your dad

Yes - if the stepmother got you to bring breakfast and knew you were not invited, she is being particularly nasty.

For context, once my mother escaped my 'stepfather' - we never saw his daughters again. Even though my mother worked her hands to the bone for them, and scrimped and saved to make sure their needs were attended to. But no bother, they obviously brought nothing to our lives as we didn't miss them after the initial break up.

Thanks totally understand why you are upset (my family has the same set up as yours albeit my father is not ill and I am really sorry yours is). I think some posters have misunderstood and it’s not that you were expecting to go, you just didn’t realise they would be spending it altogether. I understand it is really hurtful however if she was posting here she would be told only to invite those she wanted to invite so I guess that is that - doesn’t make it any less hurtful but at least you know what is what for next year and certainly post your father passing away. Sorry it’s so upsetting, hugs and it will feel better eventually...

OP, I’m sorry you had such a miserable day, and foreseeing your blended family breaking up without the consistent presence of your father must be hard.

But I’m slightly puzzled as to why you thought there would be no Christmas dinners of any kind for your stepmother and half-sisters because of your father’s illness — you said yourself his room is tiny and he gets tired easily, so presumably couldn’t cope with visitors at his bedside all day. It seems a bit unfair to accuse the others of ‘stuffing themselves’, when they either saw him for breakfast or presumably at some other point.

And I honestly don’t get quite why you’re so upset at not having Christmas dinner with a stepmother you say has always disliked you, a half-sister who hates you, and one who is ‘mostly friendly’. Surely, especially without your father, it would be a horrifically uncomfortable occasion at best? Is his just grief at seeing your father so ill?

Sorry, ‘is THIS just grief at seeing your father so ill?,

In case anyone else missed it, she didn't think she was going. What she didn't know is that there was an extended family dinner to which she had (for the first time) not been invited.

That's how I read it and it all makes sense to me

It's normal to ask what people are up to that day isn't it? And you've be a bit gutted to find out your whole family were now meeting up without you?

Not sure why that's a struggle for people.

OP you have every right to be upset. I'd try and talk it out with your step sister and find out at least why she doesn't like you. See if there is a misunderstanding of some sort. If not I'd probably be done with all of them. Your Sm sounds like a dick and the other sister not much better for going along with it.

And I honestly don’t get quite why you’re so upset at not having Christmas dinner with a stepmother you say has always disliked you, a half-sister who hates you, and one who is ‘mostly friendly’. Surely, especially without your father, it would be a horrifically uncomfortable occasion at best? Is his just grief at seeing your father so ill?

Why do women stay with husbands that abuse them? Why do children of abusive parents stay in touch? For a lot of people, family relations aren't black and white.

xmastears Wed 26-Dec-18 08:02:19
We ended up having toasted cheese sandwiches for Xmas dinner. Epic fail.

Your stepmum or elder half-sister have always hosted you and your children in the past. You didn't even check beforehand what was happening this year. It sounds like you took their hospitality for granted.

1. I do have an entire Xmas dinner for three waiting in the fridge. We'll be enjoying it later today.

2. The only family members with a dining area large enough to host eleven people are my dad and stepmother and the eldest half-sister. Everyone else brings a contribution to the hosts; veg, starters, pudding, wine, etc.

Cheese sandwiches because I cried and ranted in the parking lot before driving back. It was 4 pm by the time we got home. We opened our pressies and then decided we were too tired and dispirited to make Christmas dinner (turkey, stuffing, sprouts, mashed pots, carrots, gravy, etc). DD offered to make grilled cheese, bless her.

So sorry your dad is so poorly. I hope you are ok. My dad is in intensive care at the moment so I understand the fraught emotions everyone is feeling right now. I wouldn’t assume you were purposely excluded, maybe just not included if that makes sense. Your half sister who is hosting may have just felt like a quiet Christmas and as you say, you are not really close to any of them, so they may feel that you and your DCs are more like guests that they have to host and she may not have felt up to that. At least you know where you stand with this.
I don’t think it’s fair for you to say they were ‘off stuffing themselves’ we still managed a scaled back Christmas dinner and left my dad ‘all alone’ too for a few hours. I don’t see that they did anything wrong in that respect.

Your stepmum or elder half-sister have always hosted you and your children in the past. You didn't even check beforehand what was happening this year. It sounds like you took their hospitality for granted.

She didn't think she was going to their house! She just didn't know they were all meeting without her! Why is this hard to understand? What's Christmas without a good kicking of some poor sod who is watching her father die?